Chapter Two, The reason.

“Taemin-ah… I”

“I love you too, although you were quite random about it!” Minho replied with a smile as he hugged me and lifted me off the ground as everything that I’ve ever suffered for the past few years have been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like a new person, maybe I could start fresh and be happy for myself once. Minho actually likes me back? That couldn’t be possible! Everything was perfect we laughed together and smiled as the sun sets into the beautiful horizon.

Yeah right, nothing ever goes well for me; you should’ve realized that by now. Here’s how it really went down.

“Taemin-ah…I”

“I can’t accept your feelings, I’m really sorry… We could still be friends though of course!” He adds as he scratches his neck awkwardly as I smile and choke back in the tears. Ah, I guess this is how it should go; I am after all un-loveable. “Its okay hyung, I didn’t expect much anyways.” I say with a fake smile on my lips playing its role of hiding emotions.

“I’m really sorry Taemin… I didn’t even know that you liked me that way…” Minho said with sad puppy eyes. He feels guilty, he didn’t do anything wrong… It was me who did wrong and now he’s upset… I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.

“Ani-yo, I’m fine.” I say with a laugh at the end as I kick a pebble underneath my feet. “Is there a reason?” I ask dumbly. “A reason for what?”  He asks as we start walking back to our home. “For rejecting me, is there something wrong with me? Because if you want I can change.” I say casually as he smiles. “Of course not Taemin, you’re perfect. There’s no reason really other than that I’m straight.” He says casually as I nod.

“Oh, okay.”

We didn’t speak much after that, it was a silence the whole way back. You know, silence was always something I hated. It was the after math of fights or sad events. Silence never meant anything good. Therefore, I heard silence a lot in my life time. “Good night Taemin, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Minho says as he gives me an awkward hug as I nod.

“Yeah, see you… Tomorrow…” I say as he goes in his room. Its times like these that I wish that we didn’t live in the same house. I open the door in to my room and lock it once I’m inside. I walk over to my mattress and just lay there. Still and emotionless as I review everything that just occurred. So, I just got rejected eh?

There had to be a reason. Was it really just because we’re the same gender? Was he homophobic? No, he was always okay with Jonghyun and Key who were practically the gayest of gays. Maybe it’s because he’s really popular and that being gay would affect his social standing? Maybe he just didn’t like me. I look in to the cold hard mirror and smile sadly. Who would ever love someone like me? I think as my empty thoughts fill my mind.

Maybe I can change. I should give it a try… I rewind every single happy moment I’ve ever shared with my hyung and I cried. Crying is really pathetic, I’ve always hated crying but I’ve always cried so much. I wonder if I could write “shedding useless tears” as a talent for my job applications. I finally found something I’m good at…  I smile as my thoughts wonder around a bit more. I’ve come to a conclusion that what makes me sad is that,

MY hyung will never really be MY hyung… He’s just A hyung now. I sighed as I kept crying… I hated feeling this pathetic. I wish there was a way out of it all, the stress and anxiety. I start pinching the back of my hand as I feel a slight pain and everything disappeared. “Woah, this is amazing!” I smile as I realized that I’ve discovered something rather helpful.

I’ve never cut before, always wanted to try. I have blades in my drawers and everything but the pain always seemed scary to me. Now I realize that it’s actually quite soothing. I keep pinching until my hand goes numb and I can’t feel a single thing anymore and I cry myself to sleep dreading the day that comes tomorrow.

~

The annoying sound of the stupid alarm woke me up as I refused to get up out of the comforting sheets on top of my soft mattress. The pillow felt cold and soaked up from yesterday; I look back at the events and I feel like an idiot. So what if he doesn’t like me? Things can change; it’s not even half as bad as I thought it was. I can work with this; I think with a sad smile… Back to step one.

I walked slowly outside of my room and see no one there. “Hyung?” I say out loud expecting a response or a sign but received silence instead. I decide to go downstairs incase they just didn’t hear me,  I walk about three feet and knock something over. I look down and see a bottle of banana milk rolling on the ground. I pick it up and saw a note on it “ Taemin-ah, I’m still really sorry about yesterday! I love you as a dongsaeng forever; just keep that in mind. Onew, Key and I have student council early in the morning so you and Jjong are going to school together. Love froggy hyung.”

I smile sadly at the note as I crumple it up and put it in my room drawer and look at the banana milk deciding I don’t need anymore weight on my fat body so of course I throw it away. “Taemin? Are you throwing away banana milk?!” A voice startles me as I look behind and see Jonghyun-hyung. I didn’t know how to respond because before when I was me I wouldn’t even throw it out even if it was expired; being the fat I was and am.

“What? Oh my god! This was Banana Milk?! Thanks hyung, I thought it was just expired soy milk.” I say with a fake emotion of sacredness and put the milk in my jacket hood. I look up with an awkward smile but seeing my hyung’s face I slightly broke. Okay, let’s just break this down quickly; Jonghyun means the WORLD to me. He knows about me loving Minho and everything except my “problems and addictions” he’s one of the only friends I can actually trust. Truthfully he means more to me than Key umma even.

I can’t explain why, it’s the way he looks at me. It’s as if he really cares and wants to protect me from everything and anything that may harm me. He holds me firmly when I’m scared and sings to me when I can’t sleep. If I wasn’t hopelessly in love with Minho; Jonghyun would be the one for me…

 Even if he “cares” for you that doesn’t mean he wants someone fat like you.

I shake my head slightly to stop an argument with Ana from occurring because I KNOW she’ll win regardless of what I say or do, it’s been like this ever since, I don’t mind though I think I kind of like being used like this…? It’s kind of like happiness to me… A very different happiness.

Anyways, I looked at Jonghyun’s face and he was giving me THE saddest puppy eyed face I’ve EVER seen on him; he’s always been happy and cheerful by my side… So why is he giving me this look? “H-Hyung? What’s wrong…” I say delicately as I move my shaking and fragile pale hands closer to cup his face as he looks away from the ground and instead; straight into my eyes.

“Taemin, you know I can always tell when you’re acting differently. Maybe Minho, Key and Onew can’t but I can Taemin. I know you more than you know yourself.” He says with a sweet voice.

Do you really? Are you sure about that? I don’t say anything though; I let him think what the thinks because if I told my real feelings he’d end up figuring it out, my little secrets.

“Jonghyun-hyung, can we skip school for the first half? I just feel a bit woozy; I promise it’s only for the first half; right before lunch starts we’ll be at school.” I say with pleading eyes and a sound of desperation in my voice. I really did NOT want to be at school right now.

“Of course Taemin, what would you like to do for now though? Do you want some breakfast?” He says while holding one of my hands as I cringe a bit. “Uhm, n-no thanks; I feel a bit sick already, I wouldn’t want to throw up.” I say as he stares at me but nods.

“Sure, so what do you want to do then?” He asks me softly; I appreciate this, the way he never forces things on me and understands me well. Never making me do something I don’t want to; that’s why I trust him so much.

“Could we just take a nap?” I ask as I fake a yawn and rub my eyes. “Sure, Taemin; I’ll come to your room to wake you up at 11:30 alright?” He says with a bright smile. “A-actually, if you don’t mind I kind of wanted to sleep in your room.” I say quietly, embarrassed and feeling pathetic.

“Oh, do you want me to leave or-“ I shook my head and muttered one word. “Stay.”

  I don’t like Jonghyun that way, I would’ve if I hadn’t met Minho but; Minho is everything I’ve grown to love so I just can’t get over it that fast…

He smiles as he tucks me in and joins me into the soft welcoming mattress. I look at him and notice all those beautiful features that I’ve grown to know so well.

 “Taemin-ah, sleep well; I’ll be here.” He mutters as he kisses my forehead and moves his fingers on to my eye lids and closes them lightly. “I’ll be here right by your side, whether you need me or not.” He whispers as I smile.

“Thank you.” I say right before I fall into a dreamless slumber.

I don’t deserve someone as amazing as Jonghyun by my side right now, I don’t deserve someone at all for that fact…

-------

Sadly, I had to wake up sooner or later and head to school, although it wasn’t that bad since Jonghyun was by my side taking to my classes and everything; he really was such a good friend. Lunch came quite quickly and just as fast as lunch arrived, so did Jonghyun and Key.

“Taemin! I missed you, how come you weren’t at your classes?” Key asks me as he wraps an arm around my shoulder. “I felt sick, sorry.” I say as Key nods and held me a bit tighter. “If you need some medicine or anything talk to me okay? Poor Taebaby...” Key says while comforting me a bit more.

I REALLY don’t deserve any of this kindness, I should be rotting in hell by now; like the pathetic little demon I am.

Making our way to the lunch room we heard a bunch of cheering and loud claps and whistling; wondering what the commotion was about we rushed to find out.

Oh, how I regretted that; If only I didn’t want to find out, if only I wasn’t curious, maybe I would’ve been saved the sadness and agony.

We pushed through the crowd of teenagers and the sight before me made my stomach turn and twist, my vision blurry and fogged; my legs trembling and weak.

Minho was kissing a girl.

Who was she? Was she pretty? Was she skinny? Did he love her? Did she love him?

Questions raided every inch of my thoughts and I really did want to run, to just flee off like the coward I am; how ever my legs betrayed my mind and decided to collapse on me.

I felt arms on my shoulders and a warm breath by my ear.

“Are you okay Taemin?” Jonghyun’s voice entered my thoughts.

No.

“Yes.” I answered forcing my self to stand up and stop looking and acting so weak. I could feel Jonghyun’s worried eyes bore into me and I felt guilty but honestly I was still stuck on the fact that Minho was kissing a girl, the day after I confessed to him.

Why was life so cruel to me?

Oh, but it gets even better as Minho and the girl notice us and walks towards us. “Jonghyun, Key; guess what?” I hear his deep voice come closer.

No, go away. I don’t want to see you or hear your stupid voice. I think ignoring the fact that he didn’t even mention my name. What, was my name to ugly for him? Was it a waste of breath?

Probably.

“This is my new girlfriend, Yuri. I just asked her out and she said yes! Can you believe it?” He says cheerfully as Key grins and pats him on the shoulder as Jonghyun looks towards me with the speed of lightning and I force on a small smile.

Do I dare look at this girl, Yuri?

I did, and there she was in real life; Ana. The dream girl I’ve always imagined in my mind, the one who was constantly making me think twice of putting food in my mouth. The figure that was to die for; the figure I always thought didn’t exist. There she was.

Before I knew it Jonghyun was by my side trying to pull me away but I didn’t want to move just yet.

He looked at me; Minho looked at me and smiled innocently. Why? Did I not suffer enough these past years that now I must deal with this crap? I take on the challenge and look straight into the eyes of Choi Minho.

No, I did not swear at him or create a big fuss. That would’ve created too much attention and my secrets might have been found out.

I smiled a smile so big and bright that my cheeks hurt. “Congratulations hyung! I’m so glad you found a girlfriend; I was thinking you needed one soon. You’re very lucky, she’s very pretty; like a model. Invite her over sometime neh?” I say with a very fake yet most likely believable tone of voice.

“Taemin…” I hear Jonghyun say behind me as I grip his hand giving him a sign to not say anything.

“Jonghyun, Key, Minho, Yuri; excuse my bad manners and all but I need to use the restroom quickly. Save me a spot at our table okay?” I say cheerfully as they all nod; except for Jonghyun and they all leave to find a table as I walk rather quickly to the restroom.

I checked around making sure that no one else was here; since it was only the beginning of lunch there was rarely anyone in the bathrooms. I found myself a stall and sat down in the corner as everything that just happened past by in small quick flashbacks.

How can I make the pain stop? I don’t like this feeling, I don’t like it one bit. I remembered the pinching and took it to the extreme.

I pulled out my wallet and that extra blade.

“Should I? I don’t know if I should.” My mind was going blank on me, was I really ready to try? Thinking back to everything and seeing Yuri’s pretty little face and her pretty little waist which connected to he skinny model legs.

I held my breath and made the first mark; the first little streak of red on the higher parts of my arm so no one could ever see; I started with just one line but slowly many more followed. Each and every scar was another secret to hide.

What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Where am I? Who am I?

I’m just Lee Taemin, a lost child who strayed too far from the city lights; I’m doing this to free myself; no one can save me now.

~~~~~~~~~~

A/N

THE FIRST CUT HAS BEEN MADE.

Don’t hate me, also the Jongtae thing that is happening here won’t be too legit; this is after all a 2MIN story, but like Taemin needs someone to help him through this while Minho is being an ignorant idiot and besides I’m a closest Jongtae shipper and it was just recently Jonghyun’s birthday and also he was in a car accident :(. 

So let’s not hate on Jongtae okay? Do not worry; this is still a 2MIN and anorexia story base, I’m certainly not forgetting about my friend Ana here; she’s a star in the story <3

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNAWARE OF WHAT PRO ANA REALLY IS; I DON’T WANT TO SCREW YOUR PRETTY MINDS UP. I IN NO WAY SUPPORT ANOREXIA TO OTHERS IT IS JUST A FANFICTION. <3.

Seriously though, you guys are so lovely and perfect; thank you for reading this story even though it has it’s flaws. You guys are amazing. My lack of updating is about as serious as my lack of sleep; I don’t sleep so I seriously apologize. ugh I don't know if I like this chapter or not, it's definitely not my favourite; otl I'm upset with it now :c.

-sigh- oh yes, I have two tumblrs that you guys can check out depending on your tastes; only if you want to.

SHINee blog: shineefandom.tumblr.com

Normal (summer, girly, fashion slight vintage?): xshining-star.tumblr.com

I’d like to show my instagram but wouldn’t seeing the face of the author ruin the image of the story? Especially in this case considering what the story is about; I’m of a rather young age and I think it may ruin the story if you saw me? Meh, I may later :)

More updates to come and comments are the base of my motivation :) subscribe for more if you want to keep updated <3.