“Beep Beep, Rise and Shine! Beep Beep, Rise and Shine!”

I lazily shut off my alarm and yawn, slowly opening my eyes I look at the frog alarm that I was going to give Minho as a friendship present, but I got too scared to try… I’m so pathetic and useless…

Yes, you are.

I know Ana, (A/N Ana is a voice inside Taemin’s head that stands for his anorexic voice. Ana is kind of like a term for Anorexia and Mia is a term for bulimic.) The clock read 8:00 AM. Thank god I got nine hours of sleep this time. You burn calories while sleeping, which amazes me a lot. I probably burned around 200 calories from nine hours. “Taemin! Breakfast is ready, come down and eat!” Key starts yelling in his diva ‘umma’ type voice.

“N-Ne! I’ll be right down!” I reply as I run down stairs. “Taemin, have you seen the others?” Key asks while putting down the plate of pancakes covered in maple syrup. Disgusting, probably around 519 calories and 14 grams of fat and it’s almost all carbs. I pull a plastic bag out of my pocket and while Key runs up to grab Jonghyun and the rest I quickly and stealthily stuff ¾ of the pancake into the bag.

Key comes back around five minutes later as I smudge some syrup on my face. “Taemin, are you already done? I wanted to eat as a family…” Key says with a pout as I grin awkwardly. “Mianhe hyung, mind if I store the rest for… Later?” I say calmly as Key nods. “Sure, what time are you going to school?” Key asks as I laugh a bit. “Umma, there’s no school today. It’s Sunday, remember?” I say as Key gives me a diva look.

“What ever, Taemin do you want to come shopping with Jonghyun and I later?” He says with a big smile. I shake my head. “Ani, it’s okay. I want to stay home today.” I say with a laugh as Key frowns. “Mianhe, I’m just going to study for tomorrow. I need to keep up my grades right?” I exclaim as Key smiles a bit. “Don’t over do it okay Minnie?” I nod.

Taemin-ah, you’ve gotten better at lying I see. That’s good; you shouldn’t make them worry about someone as pathetic as you. I-I know. I won’t.  I know exactly how to deal with everything, I’ve been doing this for three years so I’m used to everything by now. Thanks Ana… What ever you fat .

Ana wasn’t the nicest, but she is my only friend I have. She is beautiful and perfect, her ‘S’ line figure that everybody wants and her small petite little face with her curly long black locks. Her long eye lashes and perfectly oval shaped manicured fingernails, her long model like legs and the skinniest and most perfect figure. She was like a goddess that only existed in my mind.

Even if she insults me and everything, I know that she’s only telling the truth.

I wait until I can’t hear their voices and foot steps so I can grab the left over pancakes and throw them away. I pick it up quickly before Onew or Minho wake up and rush over to the trash. “Taemin? Didn’t you say that you were going to eat that later?” Minho’s voice enters the kitchen.

 “Uhm, no… I don’t feel very good. I think I may have a small stomach ache. It’s nothing big though so don’t worry hyung. Your breakfast is on the counter.” I say calmly as Minho nods and starts patting my head. “Don’t stress yourself too hard okay? You’re always exercising.” Minho says kindly as I smile. “No I don’t, I don’t exercise that much hyung!”  I say giggling. Of course it’s fake though. I never really giggle.

“Are you sure? I always see you in the gym every time I go there. Or when I call you I can hear the gym announcements. Everyone is pretty worried about you…” Minho says casually as he starts munching into his 519 calorie filled pancakes. I wince and wonder how he can eat something that fast “I’m fine hyung. I’m really healthy and I only exercise to bet fit for P.E class. You know how I used to at P.E hyung!” I say with an awkward smile that I hope Minho doesn’t notice.

“You weren’t that bad Minnie. Okay, I’m finished eating… I’ll be in my room if you ever need me! I may at history and geography but I’m not too bad at math!” He says with a wide grin that makes my heart thump. I feel a hot crimson red blush appear on my face.

“Ne, I’ll be outside for a bit, if umma calls tell him that I’m going to grab some bubble tea with my friends.” I say with a lying smile. “Okay, even though I thought that you weren’t hungry…” Minho says as I laugh. “It’s for later silly.” I reply as he nods. “Annyeong Taemin-ah, come back before 2 okay? You still have to study!” Minho says in a parent like voice.

I nod and do a small friendly, polite bow. He grins and runs to hug me. “Ahh, my Minnie is definitely the cutest.” He says as he smiles. That smile, I fell for that smile. Did he just call me cute? I feel kind of happy… Shut it fat , you’re only cute to Minho as a chubby little brother. What a pathetic crush.

I guess that’s true… Minho would never like me in the way that I like him.

 “Call me if you need anything okay? Hyung will always be there for you!” He says cutely yet with a cool tone. “Okay…” I say as he climbs up the stairs to go to his room. I exit the house and head over to the gym. I’m such a liar.

~~

Don’t stop. You can’t be tired yet. You have more stamina than this. Keep going.

Words keep pounding in my head as my breath quickened and sweat falls down my face; it was the typical work out for me. I run and run until I fall over; panting and out of breath as my lungs are most likely already broken just like everything else I have.

I ran 6 miles straight… That’s not too bad, although I could’ve done better. I could’ve done better. I should’ve done better. I’m gulping some water down but not too much because I’m absolutely terrified of water weight. People around the gym start staring at me with eyes of surprise and envy mixed together.

I felt pretty smug for a millisecond there, because I knew what they were all thinking. “Wow, he just ran six miles straight, I wish I could do that.” I don’t really feel that confident, only when it comes to exercise because I know that I can keep going; because the calories need to go away so that the bones can be shown.  Sweat is fat crying and I’m going to make fat cry as much as it made me cry back in the earlier years.

I hated middle school; like the school work wasn’t hard enough they had to add in some bullies? Middle school is the phase where everyone is trying to figure out who the hell they are and where they fit in with life. It’s also the time where everyone changes, girls with curves or guys with abs. apparently I seemed to have been hibernating during that because obviously I’m still fat.

I exit the gym as I start my medium paced jog back to my house that I share with Key, Minho, Jonghyun and Onew. We were all kind of just lost little puppies in middle school. Our parents didn’t help with any of our needs such as food, money, laundry, waking us up in time or just taking care of us in general; so we all packed our bags and used our savings and a small loan from the bank to buy a small comfy house that we call ‘home’.

We all met by Key but that’s a whole different story that isn’t really important, the point is we all live together because our parents are messed up drunk adults who can’t take care of their own god damned children.

I move onto a quicker paced jog as I start breathing faster and shorter breaths into the cold windy breeze. I used to hate the cold when I first started exercising but soon enough I ended up becoming friends with it.

I reach the house in a matter of twenty minutes and jump into my warm soft queen sized bed in my poster filled room. My room has a bunch of secrets lying around; if you look hard enough you can find them quite easily.

 For example a few of the posters are double sided meaning that even though the first side may be a car or a harry potter poster the back could possibly be a skinny, Korean model with a thin waist and a fake smile. Or maybe some of my drawers have a secret compartment at the very back that stores a few spare blades in case of emergencies.

Or my Harry potter series could have a photo of models and skinny anorexic girls lying inside a few of the marked pages, maybe a few notes reminding me to not eat. Then there’s that mirror that lies mockingly on my wall begging to be gazed into. There may be a few cracks in the mirror from previous frustrations or a few smudges from stained tears but that mirror was me.

Then, the object that meant the most to me, that was the equivalent of me; my scale. No, it shouldn’t be called a scale it’s something that means much more. They aren’t just numbers; those numbers represent me; who I am. What I need to become. To me it isn’t “The more the better” but “The less the better”.

-BEEP BEEP- I pull my old used flip phone out of my pockets and check my new message. A small grin appears on my milky skinned face as I see that my Minho hyung texted me. Yes, MY Minho hyung. I wish. I quickly check what he sent me as if it was second nature.

-Taeminnie!! Banana milk is on discount! Want me to buy you some? From: Froggy-

I smile without realizing as I see what he called himself. He wouldn’t send anyone else that because he truthfully hates the nick name Froggy but ever since I started calling him that he got used to it. My grin fades as I start thinking about the calories in banana milk. I did burn a bunch of calories today… Would just ONE banana milk hurt? Besides, it is from Minho-hyung…

-Okay! Just one though! ^^ Are you busy today?... Would you maybe want to hang out at the park today? - I re-read the text making sure that I don’t sound creepy. I hold my breath in and click send as a reply comes back.

- Only one? Alright if you say so, and sure Minnie, I have nothing else to do today :) how about at around 7Pm? From: Froggy hyung- I release the breath and replace it with a sigh of relief and happiness.

-Yeah! That would be great! See you later then!- I send quickly in case he might be waiting for a reply. Just incase…  This is the day Taemin; you are finally going to ask him out. He might say yes or no. That’s the worse that could happen right?

He could feel disgusted and hate you. Damnit Ana, did you really have to say that? Now I’m even more anxious… I walk into my room once again and I see the mirror. I walk closer; light steps echoing in the empty house as I stand in front of my beautiful nightmare, that’s what I call the mirror. It was a beautiful nightmare. It fits well…

I open my eyes as I take a look at my reflection in the cold slightly broken mirror. Ugly and fat. I frown as despair makes me shiver. Or maybe that’s just the cold. I eye the bathroom and wonder, should I? You should. It’s been a while Taemin-ah…

 And there’s Mia, I figure she’s right and walk over as I pull out the tooth brush that I keep in the cabinet. It’s a portable tooth brush so it fits in my “sleeping” pill case. I told everyone that I get nightmares a lot so I needed some medicine and instead I used the case for my purging toothbrush.

I pull it out of the case and stick it down my throat.

~

I clean everything up and head back to my room as I choose an outfit to wear for the park. Considering it’s going to be cold I choose a long sleeve “Keep calm and carry on” sweater and a red varsity jacket with tight ripped skinny jeans  and a batman hat with a black studded belt and of course my favored neon red high tops. I also accessorize with a black glow in the dark watch and rubber bracelets for three different meanings. When ever I see it, it reminds me not to eat. Two, when ever I start feeling hunger I snap it. Third, it hides the scars.

I look at the outfit choices and nod, I take a quick shower then I change in to the newly chosen clothing that was lying on my cold bed. I try to smile into the mirror as I end up frowning and push the mirror away. I hate myself.

I look at the clock that hangs over my computer; it reads [6:24]. I tie my neon red laces into neat knots and head outside as the evening breeze hits my face. It’s close to sun down; I wonder what Minho will reply with…

I’ve loved him for so long; I’ve been eagerly waiting for the day where I’ll finally have enough courage to finally say those haunting three words. I’ve been planning this day for years, every single response that he could’ve ever said. In the end the only thing that will really make a difference is whether he loves me or he doesn’t love me...

I’m closing in to the park, my breath quickening and I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack. People may just think “Oh, why is he so nervous? If it’s a yes then be happy and make out or something. If it’s a no, then what ever! It won’t kill you or something.” Oh, but it does kill me; emotionally and physically.

I know; I’m being kind of obsessive and annoying but I REALLY love Minho… So much, everyday and every second that I spend with him makes me the happiest person alive. I honestly don’t remember when it started, was it in middle school when he stuck up for me with those wretched bullies? Or maybe when he sang/rapped me to sleep when there was a harsh storm? Or maybe it was just love at first sight.

In the end it doesn’t matter to me, as long as he’s here and by my side even if it’s just as a friend; I’m okay with it. I’m okay with it. I am okay with it. I hope I am okay with it.

I shake the panicking thought out of my mind as I freeze up a little as I see Minho’s baseball cap. He wore that to his first high school baseball game; he won for the entire team and invited me for the winning after party. It was really fun even though I threw up around five times because there was pizza and ice cream and soda.

In the end it was a pretty fun time, Minho talked to me a lot and I remember the memory so well. Even though the purging got pretty blurry…

The park is growing closer and closer and I can see the swing sets clearly now, it's all about the patience, stamina and hope. Not just for losing weight but for everything in general. For example, Minho; Patience for years waiting for him to love me back. Stamina; trying to figure out ways for him to get to talk to you and be near you at all times gets pretty tiring after a few years... And of course, Hope; something everyone needs to survive. I hope that he says yes.

I see him, he’s so close. My heart completely stops. I could’ve sworn time did too. Think Taemin; think.

The worse he could say is no and you guys don’t talk anymore, the best thing he could say is yes and you will be completely happy together with no regrets… The medium thing he could say is no and you guys are still friends. That’s got to be all the options, right?

I convince myself that I’m not wrong and head over to my hyung. “A-annyeonghaseyo!”  I manage to squeak out. “What’s up with the formality? We’ve been friends forever! Not to mention we live together!” Minho says happily as he hugs me and then pats me on the back. Please don’t say no. Please don’t say no; I pray under my breath as I am picking at the healed scars layed out neatly on my wrist

He starts walking over to the slide and sits down as he looks up at the orange and red with a slight pink shaded evening sky; it seemed as if you were inside of a giant piece of cotton candy and everything seemed so calm and peaceful.

I was thinking of what to say, everything just went blank and my mouth wouldn't move and I couldn't breathe. The peaceful silence doesn't last very long as Minho's voice echos in the abandoned park. 

 “So what’s going on Minnie? Is there a reason you wanted me to come here?” he exclaims happily; probably completely not noticing my anxiety. Here’s a change Taemin, say it. Hurry up. Just say the stupid words. I'm scared though. That's what you said when you first started cutting and purging, but isn't it helping now? That is true. Okay, here goes nothing... Or more like here goes everything...

“M-Minho, Saranghae!”

What happened to all those years of planning a heart warming speech of my un-dying love? Did I really just blurt out those insignificant words out? I gasped for air as in my relief some gets in me and I continue to breathe and not faint to the ground. (which I was close to doing)

--

And that was it, the two words that changed it all; or maybe it was his response? That one response that made me change. But was it for the better or worse?

I stop and so does he, he looks me in the eyes; his dark chocolate brown eyes that made the stars seem like rocks and diamonds seem like dust. All he does is now is  mutter a few words words, words that changed me.

“Taemin-ah, I------------------------“

~

Keke, sorry for the time it took for me to update! (Mianhe) I hope you like the first part of my story and yes this will be a chaptered story. (I hope you guys like it!) Don’t worry it is not moving to fast I have planned this story out quite thoroughly. (first time ever)

I will update soon and I hope that you guys don’t get mad if I update just a bit late because of all the homework stacked up beside me. ^^ sorry that it took me a while. Idk how I feel about this chapter, it's kind of a so-so type of chapter. Not amazing but not THAT terrible... Leave a comment for me if you want it would be greatly appreciated!

[NOTE: IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE SUBJECT OF SELF HARM AND ANOREXIA/BULIMIA PLEASE DO NOT READ FOR YOUR OWN SAKE! THIS IS A REALLY TOUCHY SUBJECT

AND I DON’T WANT TO OFFEND ANY OF YOU LOVELY AND PERFECT READERS! -]

Annyeonghaseyo and thank you for reading the first chapter/ intro of this story!