Title

Your title is one that can grab readers' attention at a glance. It holds some ambiguity and can intrigue readers, making them wonder why there seems to be a sense of finality about it. At the same time, it lets off enough for readers to guess that this piece entails "angst", so readers have an inkling of what to expect. 

Unfortunately, I have to dock marks due to the lack of uniqueness. Being unique is important as a similar or exact same title can trigger readers' memory of a similarly titled story and affect the impact you story should have on them. I also found it not very relatable to your story since Jiyong himself wasn't the one dying.

4/5

Description/Foreword

The first sentence of your description is good since it gives off this somewhat melancholic feel that matches your story. However, the subsequent sentences didn't ride the same waves of emotions somehow. The description you had there felt a little shallow in that it didn't hook on deep enough emontionally. You generally gave away a chunk of your general storyline, and while this works for some, I felt that yours came off a tad too telling. 

Do also note the inconsistency in paragrahing indents in your description. It comes off as messy and may put readers off.

Your foreword is your short message, so nothing to comment about that.

3/5

Writing style

Your writing style is a tad simplistic. Your story has the initention of delving deep in emotions since there's hardly any conversation in monologues. However, I felt that you have not managed to express deeply enough due to the nature of your style of wriitng. 

The flow is another thing I have to comment on. Generally, the pace was not too bad. It was easy to follow, possibly because of the short length of this piece. 

However, there's definitely quite a bit of room for improvement. The length of your story crippled the flow. Some parts felt a tad short and incomplete, and this hinders the flow of your story.

14/25

Grammar and Vocabulary

For this section, you didn't fare too well. There were quite a few instances of improper use of punctuations and words. I understand that this one-shot is a monologue, but even then, proper sentence construction is necessary. Vocabulary was a little simplistic and sometimes repetitive with the usage of the same words.

[Mistakes will be in red and my correction for you will be after the double hyphens. Comments will be written in brackets.]

My life has being a burden of hate. Not one of anger, and not one of revenge. It has been a hate of embarrassment, of pity and of anguish. -- My life has been a burden of hate. It isn't one triggered by anger or revenge but rather, by embarrassment, pity and anguish. (Firstly, 'has being' is wrong and I do think you just typed it wrongly. Next, your second sentence was not complete. The third one, 'a hate of embarrassment' is I believe, incorrect. 'Hate' is in itself, an emotion, and 'embarrassment' is a feeling. I believe you can't have an emotion of a feeling, but you can have an emotion that was triggered by a feeling.)

I will never forgive myself for all my doings. For all the trouble that I caused. -- I will never forgive myself for all my wrongdoings, for all the trouble that I have caused. (Since it is negative, it should be 'wrongdoings'. 'caused' should be 'have caused' since you started your story with 'has been'. Again, you split the sentence inappropriately such that your second one is incomplete.)

I regret not having the knowledge of all the things she did for me. For not knowing how false I was. For lying to her every time I told her that I never loved her. For never appreciating her feelings and caress towards me. -- I regret not having the knowledge of all the things she has done for me, for never appreciating her feelings towards me. She never knew how false I was, lying to her each time I told her that I never loved her. (Over here, I was confused since your various sentences didn't flow. Aside from the mistake as stated before of incomplete sentences, your middle two sentences didn't fit right there. I've rearranged them for you.)

[From here on, I will not pick out and correct your sentence structure. I will focus more on other mistakes. Just do note that the issue of improper sentences prevails through your story.]

on this pity world -- in this pitiful world

even the way she use to eat -- even the way she ate (I believe you meant it in past tense since you said 'made me furious'.)

laying on -- lying on

and I pray in regret -- and I pray with regret in my heart 

when you most needed me -- when you needed me most

even if I was already big for it -- even though I was already too old for it

what people most say -- what most people will say/ what people often say

as if I was to leave her -- as if she was afraid that I would leave her

I recognized she forgave all my mistakes -- I realized that she had forgiven me for all mistakes 

Now, now she knew that she could rest in peace. -- (You wrote 'now' twice when they are both in fact, redundant.)

My sobs filled the room once I sank into the bed, crying and in pain of how I lost my dearly sister. -- I sank onto the bed, my sobs filling the room as the pain of losing my dear sister tore at me. (Awkward sentence structure on your part here. And it's 'dear' not 'dearly'.)

I could held her -- I could hold her

If I ever had a chance of seeing her again, I would open up my heart -- If I ever have a chance to see her again, I will open up (Take note of the tenses!)

For giving me hopes -- for giving me hope ('Hope' as a noun has no 's'.)

on my side -- by my side

I'm not the same ignorant I used to be. -- I'm not the same ignorant boy I used to be./ I'm not ignorant like I used to be. 

18.5/30

Plot and Characters

The plot was very compact. Again, the length of your story hindered the proper development of your story. What could have been easily a 2000 word piece was concised into what you have written. You could have delved more into the happenings of the past and displayed a stronger feel of hatred that Jiyong had for his sister then. Another part that could have been better developed would be what I believe is the peak or of your story - the scene at the hospital. What Jiyong saw, what he felt, what memories were triggered by watching his sister's life fade away - all these could have been narrated and described to a greater degree.

As for characters, there isn't much aside from Jiyong since it is a monologue. Again, his emotions and thoughts could have been written with greater detail to bring out his character more strongly. There is little development in your story - aside from Jiyong regretting his actions in the past, I don't really see much of anything else from him that shows his personality. 

14/25

Insights from reviewer

Overall, this was a tad short for my liking. The incomplete sentences and occasionally muddled flow also added to that. I understand that English isn't your first language, but I hope that pointing out your mistakes can help in improving your writing. Don't be discouraged! Keep writing! :)

5.5/10

Overall grade: 59/100

- Admin Sehun

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