Title

Your title would not appeal to mature readers but I assume that you're probably targeting younger readers so I suppose it would attract their attention.

In addition, I find your title slightly irrelevant as Taemin seems more of a supporting character in the earlier chapters. It misleads people into believing that unlike your title, the story revolves around Jaehee and Jongin instead of Jaehee and Taemin.

3/5

Description/Foreword

It can be seen that your foreword (or should I say, description) is slightly different and you've also taken the time to explain why and how so. For someone who doesn't appreciate such genre of stories, I must say that you've garnered my attention and also many others.

Your description doesn't give away too much information nor did you summarize your entire story in one paragraph so I wouldn't deduct marks for your description. However, I'm wondering why is your description a quote and your actual description placed in your foreword?

I would advice you not to use character profiles for your foreword as they are usually frowned upon. Although I am aware that there are a lot of cliche stories using character profiles, would you not want to set yourself apart? One thing though, I realize that you didn't really include their personalities in your character profiles so it's not that bad. At least you did not list down every trait for every character.

However, I still think that it would be better for you to leave out character profiles as certain things, such as Minhee being Jongin's biggest stalker can be revealed in the story instead of the author having to notify the readers first. In addition, I also spot a small spelling mistake; exaggerating instead of exeggerating.

3/5

Writing style

Your writing style is simple, nothing distinctive but I think that you have room for improvement because previously, I've read quite a number of similar stories but they all turn out to horrible due to the improper grammar and terrible characterization. However, I'm not too pleased with your characterization either. I'll elaborate this later on.

However, I must say that you did a reasonable job and your writing style is decent and you were pretty much able to convey what you wanted to say without much difficulty. Certain writers have problems finding the exact word to describe situations and actions but I see that it isn't really a problem for you.

Your flow was good, it was easy to follow your story and you don't leave out the details. However, it would be better if you didn't add comments in the middle of your story, it distracts the readers from your story.

15/25

Grammar and Vocabulary

From what I see, your grammar is fine so are your sentence structures. They're simple and easily understandable which I assume is what you're looking for since you're targeting younger readers. Your vocabulary was alright except that I see that there are certain words which were unnecessary as they seem too pompous.

There weren't any glaringly obvious mistakes and these were the only ones I could spot after reading your story twice.

Original: Did you really expect to not be fired after how you spoke to a customer?

Correction: Did you really not expect to be fired after how you spoke to a customer?

Correction:Did you really expect that you wouldn't be fired after how you spoke to a customer?

Original: Honestly, though, he was about to fire you, anyways.

Correction:Honestly though, he was about to fire you anyways.

Original: She kicked at him, but he caught her foot.

Correction: She kicked him, but he caught her foot.

These are the words that I personally find unnecessary as it doesn't really fit in well with your comparatively simple writing style.

- vile, pernicious monstrosities

- dolunim

The story is written in English so I think it would be better if you didn't add Korean words.

20/30

Plot and Characters

The plot is, well, I know you've tried to make it unique but it doesn't exactly stick out from the crowd. However, I don't have much complaints with the plot, it isn't the most original plot around but thankfully, it is entertaining and hilarious.

Your characters, they seem very exaggerated and one-dimensional. Jaehee is overly violent, Jongin is just well, he strikes me as the typical bad boy. Taemin, sweet and caring. Minhee is overly annoying, like most of the second female leads in most story. But why? Why does Minhee like Jongin so much? How is it possible for her to like him to such an extent? Basically, your characters lack depth.

Another aspect that I find questionable is that most of your characters seem to have little to no character development. Jaehee occurs to me as a very strong-headed and independent kind of girl who doesn't seem like someone who would give in so easy. However, why does she gives in to the guy's kisses so easily? That doesn't seem like something Jaehee would do. Character derailment is always a no-no.

If you were to delve deeper into your characters and put yourself in their shoes, I'm sure you would be able to create better characters.

http://rpg.ashami.com/

This website has assisted me a lot in creating my own characters so I hope it will be of use to you in the near future. Do not be disheartened by my comments as your story is still incomplete and still has room for improvement.

15/25

Insight from reviewer

Yoona isn't able to complete your review which explains why another reviewer took over your story instead. I tried my best to be objective as possible as despite I wasn't a fan of your genre of story, I gave you the score that I thought you deserved. I hope that you wouldn't be saddened by your low score but bear in mind that there is room for improvement. I can see that you have a fairly good grasp on English as you do not make much mistakes on grammar which gives you an edge. As long as you improve on your character development I believe that you story will have potential.

5/10

Overall: 61/100

- Admin Kai

Remember to credit the shop. Please use this link instead when you credit as your review may be deleted when we decide to revamp our page.