I feel horrible.

 

I can't picture myself succeeding in any way. Even if I try, I know I'll fail.

The human being was design to continously fail. But even I consider my failures are too much.

 

I can't even practice properly anymore.

Dance... I just think I'll have to give up on it someday. It's impossible to keep up with such intensity and rhythm.

 

 

Ah... Who was I trying to fool. I'm not 16 anymore. I'm 25. I'm getting old, and dirty. My body doesn't work well anymore.... Seung Hyun's always bothering me because I forget to eat my meals. My dongsaengs are watching over me all the time... I kinda find it bothering.

Everyone pisses me off, honestly.

 

Yes, even those who are close to me.

 

 

I've become moody lately.

 

No, no. It's not just my impression.

 

 

All the energy I have left is slowly leaving my body. At first, I thought it was because of my routine... But then I realized,

 

 

Something's wrong here.

 

 

I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago.

 

It actually was Seung Hyun who made me go there. He told me how worried he was for me, and he pushed me to go to the hospital. I didn't want to sound rude and I certainly didn't want to make the single thought of me being a bad girlfriend to cross his mind. 

So, I composed myself and took a day off of my trainee life.

 

That was the day everything fell to the floor.

I felt like I was walking through hell.

For a couple minutes, life was drained out of me.

 

 

That doctor told me that my myocardial muscle was deteriorating. My heart would stop functioning in few months. Who knew, maybe I wouldn't even last weeks.

 

 

Why me ?

Why wasn't someone else chosen for this ?

 

 

I remember looking up to the sky after exiting the hospital.

I cried.

 

My parents wanted a long life for me.

I just wanted to be a singer.

 

 

I just wanted to spend my life next to Seung Hyun.

 

 

What about my dreams about inspiring other people, what about my dreams of becoming the best housewive ever ? How about my dreams of having my own children ?

How about my life ?

Why is this stupid ilness making me giving up on everything ?

 

I can't even dare to look at Seung Hyun in the eyes anymore. I used to be so strong, but now I'm so useless. I just wanted to be normal, I just wanted to be healthy. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I just wanted to accomplish my dreams like anyone else. I just wanted to live a long life like anyone else.

 

 

I just wanted to be happy.

All I wanted was to be able to smile everyday.

 

Heck.,. How can I smile... ?

 

Last night, I hugged Seung Hyun tightly.

 

 

It was so comforting to feel his strong arms circle around my body. To feel his heat against me.

 

I asked him to make love to me.

 

 

He just told me,

 

" Honey, you look so tired today. We have so many days to do it. "

 

 

No, baby, no... We don't have that much.

 

I laughed awkwardly and bit my lip. I insisted and he gave up. 

 

And he made love to me.

For the last time.

 

 

I felt protected in his embrace. I always felt like that whenever he hugged me.

But I don't know anymore.

 

 

I don't know.

 

I don't know if he can keep protecting me.

 

I don't want him to suffer with me.

I don't want him to see me like this !

 

Taking dosis of epinephrine so that my muscles can hold on a little more... Laying in a hospital bed, with sensors connected to me the whole day... People around me all time, controlling me and whatever I do...

 

I don't want us to live like this.

 

I wish I could even understand this myself.

 

But my brain doesn't want to process it.

 

Everyone's so happy... I wish I could be like them. 

 

I walk outside on the streets, and I look around. People are happy.

I'm not.

 

 

" Ah, my chest hurts again. "

 

 

 

 

 

Why so many pills ?

Seriously though.

 

I take like 5 a day now.

 

 

Isn't it crazy ?

 

Huh.

It seemed like yesterday when I was dancing vigorously in that practice room. 

 

 

But everything's so much clearer now.

 

 

 

Yes, here I am. Leaving the company's headquarters.

 

 

 

 

Saying good bye to my dream.

 

 

---

  Chapter 3 - Published 01/01/2014