It wasn’t long after the ambulance picked up Himchan’s body when the fans found out what happened. Their company tried to keep it a secret and said that Himchan was just sick. But the truth about Himchan’s ‘illness’ was spreading like wild fire.

The problem was no one knew if Himchan was alive or not.

The company wasn’t speaking out about the ‘rumors.’ They wouldn’t even talk to B.A.P. It seemed that they just let the members struggle through the press. Yongguk couldn’t handle it. They spent most of the following days in their dorms; all promotions halted until further notice.

Daehyun seemed to be the one to take it worse than any of the other members. He would lie on his bed either crying or staring into space. Sometimes Youngjae or Jongup would lay with him and try to keep him calm; but mostly he would curl in a ball and cry himself to sleep.

Zelo would cling to Yongguk more than he used to, and stare at the phone hoping they would get a phone call saying Himchan was alive and well. No such phone call came.

**

About a week after the ambulance took Himchan away there was a knock at the door. Yongguk and Youngjae quickly ran to the door and forced it open. Their manager looked at the pair gravely, “can I come in?”

The two nodded and allowed the older man to walk in.

They watched him sit on the couch and he quietly asked them to gather the other three. They ran to the room and got the three; Daehyun was reluctant.

The members sat on the floor in a semi-circle around their manager. Jongup hugged Daehyun expecting the worst.

“Himchan,” their manager took a breath, “He’s ok.”

There was silence as the members processed what their manager said. The two youngest members jumped up screaming in joy and hugging each other. Daehyun felt more tears fall from his eyes as Youngjae gave him a hug. Yongguk was the first one to speak up, “When can we see him?”

The manager looked away from the group, “He doesn’t want to see anyone right now.”

The boys looked at each other, “well to bad at least one of us is going to see him.” Yongguk said, anger slipping into his voice.

The manager shook his head and stood up, “I’m sorry Yongguk he’s not in a good state to have visitors right now.”

“Well he’s going to have one whether he likes it or not!” Yongguk yelled while standing up.

The manager looked at the younger boy and shook his head again, “I’m not going to change your mind so come on.”

Yongguk followed the manager out of the dorm, giving the younger boys a look before shutting the door behind him.

**

The drive to the hospital took longer than Yongguk liked. There were fans waiting outside of the dorm and their manager took a longer route so the fans wouldn’t know where they were going.

When they reached the hospital Yongguk covered his hair with his hood, put sunglasses on, and covered his mouth and nose with a mask before stepping out of the tented car. They walked into the hospital and took the stairs up two flights of stairs, so they wouldn’t be noticed. The manager walked past the nurse’s station and stood outside of a room while Yongguk walked in.

The sight before him had his face drained of color. Himchan was lying on his back, with his eyes closed. He looked like a corpse. His black hair looked unusually dark lying on his white skin. It had no color; his cheeks were sunken in. And he couldn’t tell if his friend was alive or a corpse waiting to be identified.

He slowly walked up to Himchan like he was walking towards a dangerous lion. When he reached the bed he touched his friend’s hand.

The hand on the bed jumped and he looked at Himchan’s sunken in face. Himchan was looking right at him. Yongguk felt the cold hand in his grasp move away and Himchan to his side, “go away.”

Yongguk sat down, “No we are going to talk.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why’d you do it?” Yongguk said ignoring Himchan.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong. All of us are worried.” Yongguk sighed, “If one brother isn’t happy we all are not happy.”

“Like you care.”

“Himchan we do care! Junhong and Jongup are so scared that you actually died. Youngjae can’t even form an appropriate sentence! And I can’t sleep at night knowing something was wrong and no one knew about it! And Daehyun! He’s probably the most scared out of all of us! Why did you do it and write that on the mirror?!”

Himchan sat up, “I did it because you don’t care! All anyone does is make fun of me! I’m not a true member of your group! I have no purpose! I was supposed to be the visual! What do visuals do? They look handsome on television; they stand in the front of the dance group; they are the face of the band! Am I? Hell no! I’m put in the back! I don’t sing or dance! Daehyun’s the visual; not me. I can’t do this anymore Yongguk. I can’t be made fun of by the younger ones, I can’t be mocked in interviews; I can’t be put in the back and ignored in performances. I’ve worked too damn hard for that.” He rolled over and laid back down as Yongguk let out a shaky breath, “Get out Yongguk. I’m done with idols.”

Yongguk stood up from his seat and walked to the door, “You’re more than that, Himchan.”

Yongguk closed the door softly and walked out of the hospital.

**

When Yongguk reached the dorm the other four members ran up to him before he could walk completely through the door. All of them asking questions at the same time.

“Calm down guys! Himchan is okay! Just a little upset but he’s going to be fine.” Yongguk said taking off his shoes and going into the living room.

“Can we visit him hyung?” Zelo asked.

Yongguk hesitated, “He’s not quite well enough for visitors just yet. I just wanted to make sure he was okay.”

The four members frowned but went back to whatever they were doing, before he came in, which was ‘watching’ a music program they were supposed to be performing on.

Daehyun was the only one that didn’t sit back down he stood by Yongguk and looked down, “Hyung can I talk to you in the room?”

Yongguk nodded and followed Daehyun into the room. They sat on the bed and Daehyun began speaking, “Hyung tell me where he’s at.”

Yongguk sighed, “he doesn’t want visitors.”

“I don’t care hyung. I have to see him.” Daehyun said with tears in his eyes.

“Daehyun, you don’t understand. He doesn’t want to see us at all,” Yongguk whispered with his head down. Daehyun’s eyes widened and the tears fell again.

“Hyung I have to see him. You don’t understand!”

“You like him”

Daehyun blushed, “I—”

“I’ll tell you,” Yongguk interrupted, “but I don’t want to hear it if things don’t go the way you want it.”

Daehyun nodded eagerly and Yongguk told him where Himchan was at.

**

The next day Daehyun slipped out of the dorm while the others were still sleeping. He quickly walked to the hospital, happy that it was a cold day and many other people were wearing hoods and masks to protect themselves from the cold.

When he reached the hospital he took the same route that Yongguk took the previous night. When he walked into the room he was met with a similar site. Himchan was asleep on his back; he looked like death warmed over.

Daehyun burst into tears and ran to his hyung. He didn’t even try to be quiet, or gentle. He put his arms around Himchan’s neck and lay beside him, “Hung you scared me.”

Himchan groaned and tried to push the younger one off of him, but he didn’t have the strength, “Get the hell off me Daehyun and get the hell out of here!”

Daehyun sobbed, “Hyung I’m so sorry I didn’t know what was wrong but I want to fix it! Please forgive me hyung! I—”

“Get away from me!” Himchan yelled at the younger boy.

“But I—”

“Don’t you even ing dare to say you care!” Himchan yelled at Daehyun, “You just want me back in the band so you and the others have someone to make fun of!”

“No! It’s not like that!”

“Then what Daehyun?” Himchan said darkly, “you want to mock me behind my back? Make my life a living hell?”

“Where’d the happy, joking Himchan go?” Daehyun yelled back at the older one.

“When was I ever happy about you making fun of me?!”

“During all of the broadcasts—”

“I was least happy there, Daehyun.” Himchan calmly stated. I didn’t want to be the of everyone’s jokes. But I was! I have taken all I can, Daehyun. I can’t do it anymore! I don’t want to be a part of the band or idol life or even life anymore.”

“Daehyun stood up off the bed. Himchan thought he was leaving, but the younger one got on his knees and bowed to him.

Himchan watched him with tears in his eyes, “I’m sorry hyung. I-I didn’t know.” Daehyun choked back more tears, “If I did I would have protected you. Please accept my apology, I love you.”

Himchan gasped. He felt tears fall from his face, “get out.” He calmly stated.

Daehyun looked up at him, “Hyung please—”

“Come back later. I’m tired.” Himchan said lying back down and rolling onto his side so the younger wouldn’t see his face.

Daehyun walked out of the room in shock.

**

No one visited Himchan for several days. He was beginning to think he scared them off; like they didn’t care. Until he got a text from Junhong that had him in tears. He immediately texted him back and the next day he had five visitors.

When they walked in he was sitting up in his bed. He got up and bowed all the way to the floor before anyone could say anything, “I’m sorry.”

Junhong ran to Himchan and lifted him up, “Don’t be sorry hyung! We should be sorry. We didn’t take your feelings into consideration.”

Himchan smiled weakly, “but I over reacted.”

“It’s ok Hyung.” Jongup spoke up. Four of the members walked over to Himchan and Junhong and gathered them into a hug. Daehyun was the only one to hesitate.

Himchan looked up and over to the only member left. He gave a weak smile. Daehyun walked over to the group and joined in on the hug.

They separated not to long after—well four of them did. They slipped out of Himchan’s grasp one by one until it was just Himchan and Daehyun hugging each other. The two didn’t notice until they heard the click of the door closing. Daehyun tried to back out of Himchan’s arms but Himchan held him closer,

“Help me get better.” He whispered into the younger boy’s neck.

“Daehyun smiled softly, “ok hyung.”

~~~~

AN: I have no clue what the hell I just wrote ;~; ... Hope y'all enjoy It anyway?