inspiration

music (or this)

kris/lu han

~1750 words

“Did you get your shampoo out of the shower?” Kris shuffles his feet awkwardly, kicking away things that aren’t there.

“Yeah, conditioner, too,” Lu Han crouches by his open suitcase, counting things in his head and making a mental checklist. He’s also avoiding Kris’ eyes.

“You smell like lavender,” Lu Han scrunches his nose when Kris flops down beside him on the couch with still wet hair from his shower.

Kris ruffles his hair with his hand, trying to dry it more. “Yeah, I accidentally used your shampoo instead of mine.”

Lu Han just laughs and sidles up to his boyfriend, taking a long, deep breath of the familiar scent. It’s nice to know that Kris will take him wherever he goes today.

Lu han stands, still facing the door, back to Kris. He has a death grip on the handle of his suitcase, knuckles white and fingers sore. “Goodbye, Kris.”

“Yeah,” Kris doesn’t bother with a returned ‘goodbye.’ There’s really no point. Lu Han wanted this. He wanted to leave Kris and Kris has to accept that. He doesn’t want to, but he has to.

With that, Lu Han closes the door behind him one last time. His set of keys are on the table in the kitchen, and Kris thinks of giving them to Chanyeol so he can stop complaining about having to knock all the time.

Kris stares at the door. The image of Lu Han’s back is burned into his eyes, the last thing he saw of the boy. Not his smiling face, not even a sad, crying one. His back. Rejection. Lu Han will never come back.

He wanders aimlessly around his own apartment, like he’s in someone else’s home. It all seems so new, Lu Han’s presence completely gone. Kris supposes it isn’t home anymore. Just a living space. Lu Han’s empty coffee mug isn’t sitting on the counter like it is every day when Kris comes home (he always put it in the sink for him). Lu Han’s soccer trophies aren’t sitting around the television set, showing off his high school accomplishments (Kris always insisted on keeping them out, despite Lu Han’s embarrassment). Lu Han’s clothes aren’t folded neatly on top of the washing machine, ready to be packed away into now empty drawers (Kris never really liked doing laundry).

“This place is a mess,” Lu Han huffs when he gets home, dropping his bag at the door and scanning the living room before his eyes land on Kris. “Did you not clean while I was gone?”

Kris shrugs from his spot on the couch before getting up and moving toward Lu Han. “I didn’t see a need.”

“I bet your clothes are piled a mile high in the laundry basket, and the trash hasn’t been taken out, has it? And look at this! An empty pizza box on the table. We’re in college, Kris, but you can’t keep living like a teenager,” Lu Han rambles and rambles, oblivious to an approaching Kris until said person presses a finger to his mouth, shushing him immediately.

“You talk too much for just getting back from a three day trip,” Kris smirks when Lu Han flushes pink.

“Sorry,” Lu Han murmurs against Kris’ lips, thinking that maybe they can leave the cleaning until tomorrow.

Kris wanders into their his bedroom, and it’s like the world is crashing down on him. He’s suffocating, breathing in air that isn’t there. Lu Han’s soccer posters leave behind squares on the wall a shade of paint lighter than the rest of the room. There aren’t any picture frames decorating the desk in the room. The special edition Rubik’s cube that Sehun bought Lu Han for his 21st birthday is missing from it’s spot on the window sill, and Lu Han’s navy blue sheets are replaced by a bare mattress.

Kris plants himself by the bed, leaning against the frame. The sunlight filtering into the room reveals minute dust particles floating in the air, and the whole room has a yellow tinge to it. Lu Han’s dark curtains aren’t there anymore to block the sun from entering. Head held in his hands, Kris uses every ounce of strength he has to hold back his tears. He hates crying, the feeling of being weak and pathetic. His eyes get red, his nose becomes stuffy, and the sobs make his chest hurt.

“Kris? Kris, are you okay? What’s wrong?” The lovely smile previously gracing Lu Han’s face slowly melts into a worried frown.

It’s Kris’ birthday party, and it’s just the two of them. All of his friends were too busy or out of town, so Lu Han took the liberty himself to throw Kris a surprise birthday party at home. Granted, the only place decorated was the living room (streamers, a few balloons, and a single present on the coffee table), but Kris still thinks it’s the best birthday present ever. Lu Han also decided it would be a good idea to sing Kris happy birthday acapella, and without anyone else.

Kris had always tried to tell Lu Han how pretty his voice was, that he was lucky to have such vocal chords and that he should put them to good use outside of bartending (because really, he doesn’t use them with that kind of job). Lu Han would always blush and shake his head, denying his undeniable talent. Kris would smile sadly, but let it go. Whatever Lu Han wanted.

“I’m-- it’s... I’m okay, Lu,” Kris is wiping at his eyes, trying to keep his face from Lu Han. He can feel the lump in the back of his throat and that pressure in his chest pushing their way up to make his tears spill over. It’s stupid, really. All of his friends will poke fun at him for it, and he’ll never live it down. “I just really like my birthday present.”

Lu Han smiles softly and takes Kris’ larger hand in his own and plays with his fingers. “I’m glad.”

Kris’ birthday is in two weeks. It’s been one week since Lu Han left.

He keeps telling himself to move on, to forget about Lu Han, but it’s quite nearly impossible. He’s tried, he really has, but he can’t help what’s habit.

He’s making what can barely be considered ramen when the familiar sound of a key in the lock sends him back to last month.

“Hey, Lu, how was class?” he calls, not bothering to turn around. Who else could it be?

“Um... It’s Chanyeol,” a deep voice says timidly, wavering in the doorway. Kris turns around to see a sad smile on the younger’s usually happy face. Kris had forgotten about giving the key to Chanyeol (if only to get it out of his apartment, along with the memories).

“Oh,” Kris blinks a few times, then turns back to his ramen. He’s not really hungry anymore.

This process repeats itself. Kris hears Lu Han singing in the shower; it’s just the radio. There’s a clatter in the kitchen, Lu Han fell again. Kris just stacked the dishes too high. Kris comes home from his morning classes and heads straight to the kitchen counter, grabbing at air before realizing that Lu Han’s coffee mug isn’t there. It won’t ever be there.

There’s nothing left of Lu Han in the apartment, but somehow, some way, he’s still there. Kris feels it in the air. Lu Han’s warmth permeates throughout the apartment, all the way from the front door to the back corner of the bedroom. The bathroom still smells like lavender, and there are still stains on the rug from that one time Lu Han got a bloody nose. It’s still suffocating, and Kris is still running out of air.

As he sits and watches the fluttering of the new curtains he bought, his eyes are drawn to the shadows dancing on the floor. That’s it. Lu Han’s shadow. Lu Han may be gone, his stuff may be gone, but his shadow remains. Maybe it’s Kris’ desperate attempt at coping, but he concludes that Lu Han’s shadows still haunt his apartment.

And they’re everywhere.

Kris laughs, bitter and wet because now he doesn’t care. He’s crying, sobbing, and it does hurt. He can’t see clearly, his chest hurts, his throat will be raw, he’ll be carrying around tissues later today, and his lungs are striving for oxygen through all the saltwater (at least he’s breathing).

“Are you sure you have everything?” Lu Han asks, frantically counting everything over in his head, once, twice, three times.

Kris smiles. “I’m sure, Lu. I marked everything off that checklist you gave me. I’ll be okay.”

Lu Han sighs, crosses his arms to keep from fidgeting and glances up at Kris while chewing on his bottom lip. “I know you’ll be okay. But what about me?” His lips form a pout, one Kris has never been able to resist.

“Tell you what. You can text me whenever you want, call me whenever you want, and be that annoying girlfriend that every guy dreads.” He gets a slap on the chest for that, but also a laugh that makes everything okay.

“You’re so mean.”

Kris hugs Lu Han, resting his chin on the elder’s head. He’s always liked their dynamic; Kris is taller, but Lu Han is older. It takes moments like these to remind them both who they really are. “I know.”

“Please be careful,” Lu Han mumbles into Kris’ chest, clutching his shirt like a small child afraid to leave their mother.

Kris rubs soothing circles on Lu Han’s back. “I will be. And Lu?”

“Hm?”

“I think I forgot deodorant.”

Lu Han looks up at his boyfriend with a look of utter disbelief. “I swear, you...” and he storms off to the bathroom to retrieve said deodorant.

Kris just laughs. He always ends up leaving something behind.

Lu Han forgot something when he left. It wasn’t deodorant, wasn’t a shirt, wasn’t anything that he really needed for himself.

He just forgot his shadow.

~

so i watched that video and it was just like BAM INSPIRATION idk i should be finishing other things but you can't stop the flow~

P.S. I KNOW I PROMISED YOOJIN SEKAI BUT SLD;AFSDF THAT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS RN OK