Title: Fiction

Link to story: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/48853/fiction-beast-junhyung-lovestory

Author: jwhong005

Brief description of story: A story of a girl (Hyun-Ae Seok) who gets a phone call from her old friend Haw of Prepix. He asks her to fly out to South Korea to help train Beast to become bboys for the 2011 Star Dance Battle. She finds herself falling for one of the Beast members. Meanwhile behind the scenes it's Ji Yong (GD) who pulls the strings in Hyun-Ae's life.

Genre: Romance

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Title: 9/10

Fiction sounds like a good title for a story. It attracts reader attention due to the fact that b2st has just released an awesome song called fiction, however the only downside to it is that it isn’t so original. I’m sure if I typed fiction in the search box, more than 5 stories titled fiction would come up. Perhaps you could add a small twist to the title.

Description/ Foreword: 16/20

Your description is quite short and hard to grade, however I think it is giving a necessary amount of information but not giving the entire story away through the small paragraph. I think it could be a little more detailed in your writing, because readers do judge your story based on the description or forward, so if you had a detailed description, readers tend to assume you’ll have a detailed story ahead as well. The only mistake I would point out would be the mistake with spelling career or in your case, carreer. I’m not sure but it could be some way the Americans spell it, but in Australia we spell it as career with one r. Please correct me if I’m wrong!

Your forward is just a description of the characters given in the story. I can’t find a single spelling error in it. Well Done!

Originality/Plot: 20/30

The storyline of a girl flying to S. Korea as a choreographer who falls in love with an idol is a cliché story except with your own sort of twist to it. The other country to America topic is overused and would be better off left in a box in the corner of your room. I know it is hard to use original story ideas due to the massive number of stories on Asian Fan fiction; however I find that this idea is one of the most popular ones.

Your Plot however, is actually quite interesting and it’s going quite smoothly at the moment. I hope to see it get better soon, once I continue reading it.

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Style: 22/30

Your Grammar and Punctuation are just fantastic! I really can’t find many mistakes at all! Congratulations on perfecting those areas of writing!

As for your writing style of the story, the only problem would be the lack of flow in your story. The sentences are short and choppy, making it quite hard to read the entire story in one go. The sentences could be much longer, as I’m sure readers don’t need to take a rest every few words or so, so I’ll give you a few examples/tips of how you could make your sentences flow more:

1.       Learn to use joining words like: And, because, but, so, however etc.

http://www.vivquarry.com/wkshts/linkwd.html - is a good website with teaching you the joining words.

2.       DETAIL! : detail is one of the most important parts to writing stories. Without it, I don’t think a story could flow at all. I think your detail is good, but it’s just separated into multiple sentences, so joining those sentences with the JOINING WORDS listed above would help. Personally, whenever writing something, I just have to have the mindset of sounding like a professional. Try that, It might help! :)

So an example for one of your paragraphs would be:

“I let out a sigh. It was just Haw from Prepix. Of course I didn’t want to be rude but I was just so flustered. He’s one of the choreographers for a band out in South Korea. They debuted back in two-thousand and nine. I’ve listened to some of their songs. They’re not that bad.”

Would become:

“I let out a sigh realising that it was just Haw from Prepix. Of course I didn’t want to be rude, but I was just so flustered. He’s one of the choreographers for a band out in South Korea that had debuted back in 2009. I’ve listened to some of their songs and they’re not that bad.”

Hope that helped! Now try it out on some other paragraphs!

Character/Detail: 8/10

 So the characters are written well, apart for the fact that the girl is another one of those perfect girls who magically know how to dance be good-looking and speak 6 different languages . Other than that, I like your characters.

Like I mentioned before, your detail is just lacking the flow. You’ve worked well on the detail, but you just need to add in the flow of your sentences. It’s like cereal. Plain cereal tastes different without the milk but milk tastes bad without the cereal :)

Total: 75/100

General Comments:

Apologies for my lame analogy with the cereal and milk xD

I find that you have a good idea sprouting in the story, but you just need to master the flow of the story. Choppy sentences are a no-no and without them, I’m sure that your story will be a great read!

Hwaiting! ><

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Heartbeat Graphics and Reviews

SHINeeGirl910

2011