Title: Heart's Connection

Link to story: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/40286

Author: crystalline_sunshine

Brief description of story: An idol and an average girl finds themselves spellbound a day after they kissed. Because of this, they have to spend an awful amount of time together. Just as the girl was falling for Hyunseung, her ex-boyfriend returns which causes her to be unsure of whom she really loves.

Genre: Romance, Comedy

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Title: 8/10

Your title is a simple yet good idea of your story in two simple words. Just from seeing it, I am able to know straight away briefly about what you story is based on. The only problem with it would be that when you spell ‘heart’s’ with an apostrophe s, you’re pretty much saying ‘heart is’ which would make your title ‘heart is connection’, which wouldn’t make sense. It isn’t a serious mistake as most people won’t notice it at all.

Description/ Foreword: 15/20

Since you don’t have a foreword, my judgement is only based on your description.

It was a good description. A plentiful amount of details was given and yet it wasn’t giving the entire plot away. There were small mistakes, but they’re understandable since English isn’t your first language.

 You, Hee Young has been through this, too. –Hee Young has been through this too.  (For some reason, the ‘has’ just doesn’t sound right when you put the ‘you’ in front of Hee Young. The comma before ‘too’ is unnecessary.)

It was until an idol broke your heart that you started to despise Kpop - It was all until an idol had broken your heart, that you had started to despise K-pop.  (I’m getting a little confused by your uses of tenses. At times you use past tense but all of a sudden it’s written in present tense. Try to keep on the same track so that you don’t confuse your readers.)

Hyunseung starts to know your emotions and you feel the same, too. Both of you start being at the same place, at the same time. – Hyunseung starts to know your emotions and you feel the same too, and both of you start being at the same place, at the same time. (usually commas aren’t used just before the end of sentence. Commas can be used to list things or just give the reader a break for a second.)

There aren’t many mistakes but if you slightly fix these, you can give a clearer understanding to the readers about your story :)

Originality/Plot: 29/30

Nice and original :D I seriously haven’t seen a story where two people are connected through their hearts and start to feel the same way as each other. Congratulations on being the first! The only thing that is overused is the idol dating girl theme, but that’s understandable, this is all fiction anyway. 

Your plot is interesting and I actually liked it, even though I’m not a big fan of Hyunseung in beast but I feel like your story may actually turn my thoughts around about him.

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Style: 27/30

Your writing style is clear and definite. There aren’t many parts of confusion and your tense isn’t as messed up like your description was. All your details are defined and crisp… if you know what I mean? I think you could lay off the commas and full stops a little though. I feel as if I’m pausing a lot in the story and it would be nice if your story flowed a little more throughout.

Like I had just mentioned, your punctuation could be used less in many cases but it isn’t something compulsory to fix but just a suggestion for more comfort when reading.

Your Grammar is correct and in the right places, there isn’t much to comment about it :)

Character/Detail: 9/10

Your characters are well presented. I can see who is who without seeing their names written on it, which can be helpful and easier for you, when writing your story. The Detail is great! It’s not lengthy and repetitive yet is isn’t short and brief, it is quite well balanced throughout the story.

Total: 88/100

General Comments:

I really enjoyed reading your story overall J I think it’s one of the best I’ve reviewed so far and I believe there is potential for your story to become even better! I really apologise for taking such a long time, I had actually finished reviewing your story a while ago, but I just never got the time to put it up D: so sorry!

Apologies if I sound y, but I’m just giving my honest opinion for your improvement! Hope you liked it!

Hwaiting!

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Heartbeat Graphics and Reviews

SHINeeGirl910

2011