I couldn't help the feelings I had for Jiyong... right from the start he was my style... my type from his attitude right down to those beautiful eyes and his amazing sense of fashion. I fell in love with him... and now he uses that fact to make himself feel good not caring about how I might feel... that I might suffer...

 

 And I do suffer... everyday I suffer...                                                      

 

 I wanted to be a rapper, it had been my only escape from my feelings; writing songs and listening to hip hop. Finding people who accepted me because of it was an added bonus. But it couldn't get me where I wanted to be... The gigs I was doing around that time were too small for what I wanted for myself... I wanted the arenas and not just underground hip hop clubs... If I wanted to be a famous rapper I would have to join the music industry on a more popular level. YG Entertainment had the kind of image & style I was going for, with them I had the potential to be great... 

 

 But I was told no... because of the way I looked... 

 

 I was overweight, I always knew that but... I guess I fooled myself into thinking that maybe I could get by on my talent with this company...

 

 I worked hard to lose the weight... It wasn't easy. I barely ate and spent most all hours of the day working out... Just so I could go back to YG Entertainment and show them that I could do it. That I had the drive to succeed at anything. To prove to myself that I could do it... 

 

 And I did do it... and I finally had the chance to be a rapper...

 

 But in a group?

 

 I wasn't so good with people... I was having a difficult time dealing with spending so much time with these 5 other boys... I didn't want them to hate me... I didn't want them to be afraid of me like other people had been... 

 

 I also didn't want them to know that I was secretly gay.

 

 I had tried to like girls. My best friend was a girl. I loved her... in a way... but it wasn't an attraction kind of love... I didn't think her ugly or repulsive but... the best of her ... I thought if anyone could change my feelings it would have been her and... she did in a way.