Reviewer's Comment: YeoJaGaSu

Alright! Thanks for requesting! As you can see, I'm The-Not-A-Sis since you asked for a reviewer change. I think I'm the most strict out of everyone, so sorry if I'm a bit mean. Also, a story that isn't finished cannot be reviewed properly. It's a good idea to come back when you do.

Title: 3/5

'Into Your World' is a very broad title. There's heaps of stories with the same name. I suggest changing it. There's a reason for this. Your little 'drawing thing' at the beginning doesn't allow readers to see the description. I'm not saying take it out, but because of this you will need something else to entice them in. Your tags as well... They list the characters and 'angst'. That's it. That's all I know. I didn't know there would be fantasy or anything else. For all I know, it could be about a random bunch of guys. If you are wondering why you don't have readers, you need to bait them, hook them, sink them, then reel it in. So far, I see none of that.

Foreword and Description: 6.5/10

Personally, I don't like your foreword. Again with the fishing analogy, I am not hooked. It isn't interesting enough for the readers to click on the next page. Simply, it is boring. Put an extract of the story;  the climate of it. Not just the characters. No one cares. Can't you develop it throughout the fanfiction?

Presentation: 7.5/10

Neat and tidy. I love it! It's all pretty, but simple. However, no poster and the background is what, wood?

Plot: 16.5/20

I like the plot. I haven't read a lot of stories with this angsty-supernatural themes, but I write angst a lot, so I judged you harder. Actually from the first two chapters, I feel no angst. This is why you should ask for a review after you have finished.

Creativity & Originalty: 7/10

As per before, my lack of this genre experience, makes me unsure whether this is cliche. However, is it just coincedental that these guys rocked up to her house? Again, with the unfinished-ness. I can't judge this too well.

Flow: 3.5/5

It flows really well! I mean, you had one time skip at the beginning, but I can sort of see where it's going. It's too techniacl that it just doesn't flow for me.

Spelling, Grammar and Vocabulary: 8/10

Whoa there! It's so complicated! Even I didn't understand most of these words and that's saying a lot since I'm an English speaker and minor. Have you ever stopped and thought about just who your audience was? If I didn't understand that, how can you expect AFF's non-english speakers to? They make up more then half of the AFF population! Of course, it's not dumb it down, but it's lower the complexity.
Another thing I found was your punctuation of your speech.
“Wait…” He whispered brokenly... The 'he' should be lowercased.
“Please… Help us.” He pleaded... Again, the 'he' lowercased and a comma after 'us'.
When using speaking verbs the pronoun/noun after the speech should be lowercased. Also, in these instances there should be a comma before the closing quotation marks. Except for the cases of ellipsis, exclamation or question marks.

Details: 7.5/10

You detail. It's average. Those with vivid imagination should be able to picture it. I'm supposing that the vocabulary that you use describe?

Writing Style: 8/10

Don't go out of way just to include those words. It's sort of distracting. However, the style is nice and I do love it.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

I love it! Apart from the choppy description, I found myself enjoying it.

Bonus: 0/5

There is no reason to award you a bonus.

Total: 71/100

I hope my maths is correct. I apologise on behalf of al the staff at LoL Review Shop for taking a long time. I recieved this at 8:30 on a Thursday night, so sorry it could get to you sooner. As you can see I did find a few (lots) of problems that are easily fixed. As soon as you have that done, update then the readers will roll in! Fighting~! Remember, it's not the end result that matters, but the journey you take to get there!