I don't usually correct people's work when I'm doing reviews, but I have made an exception for you and will help only with your first chapter. That way, you can get a feel of what you are doing wrong and i will point them out to you as well.

1. ' "...I thought she's sleeping, but..." ' should be ' "...I thought she was sleeping, but..." '
If we went technical, one could argue that 'she's' is correct, but don't you think adding 'was' sounds better?

2. ' "She never floats before," Kris stated... ' should be ' "She's never floated before," Kris stated... '
Or 'has'. The other sentence just makes no sense.

3. ' ...on the bed and then lay her down on the bed gently. ' should be '...on the bed and then laid her down gently. '
It's probably just me, being picky, but the repitition of 'on the bed' is annoying and your tense changed in this sentence. 'Laid' instead of 'lay'.

4. ' I have learnt that sacred realm like this... ' should be ' I have learnt that sacred realms like this... '
Plural. More than one realm since she is referring to all types of realms that are sacred.

5. ' This young man... is young. '
No duh. Do I really need to? It seems you have a problem with repeating your words.

6. ' He is reminded me a lot of Luhan. ' should be ' He reminds me a lot of Luhan. '
Okay, it's not tense this time. Just wording.

7. ' But something is different from him. ' should be? ' But something is different about him. '
That sentence was weird. Again, it's your choice of words that is the problem.

8. ' Worries were written on his... ' should be ' Worry was written on his... '
Okay, now your plurals were off. You would know about this since I did see the same sentence again, but correct.

I'm hardly half way through, but I can find all these mistakes. Clearly, English isn't your first language. However, you must edit! Look, reviewers are not editors. It is not our job to correct every mistake you make. Get yourself an editor, there are many who can help (even I have my own shop) and fix your writing. I can see that you did, but get yourself a better one. No offense, but really.