(SOOJUNG POV)

I was brooding when my mother called me to go downstairs to greet her guests. I already know who they are exactly. Strangers that are destined to be my new family without any of my consent.

Match-making. I hate this !

You know what? I had a boyfriend before all the that happens right now. How can they make such decision withouth telling me about it beforehand? I mean, WAY beforehand. I was in a very good relationship with my boyfriend.  Choi Minho.  The most popular guy on campus who I admire greatly... but it didn’t last for long because I had to end up the relationship with him immediately.

My mother called me again for a second time. So I give in!

I did as she told me and rushed down to greet her guests. And there he is… Lee Jinki, my future husband.  My mother told me to sit in front of the guy who would be my husband.  I observe him closely and he is doing the same thing that I did earlier before I sit in front of him right now, brooding.

He has a handsome feature, his face and those chubby cheeks. And his scent really made ​​me so comfortable. His hair is caramel brown, neat and straight. But his eyes are what make me couldn’t gaze away from him. I know, I'm not supposed to be act this way. But it was hard for me because his smalll are hypnotizing, even though he doesn’t look straight in my eyes at the moment.

I didn’t realize the way I observe his face makes Jinki’s parents’ smiled secretly. I stopped looking when Jinki’s mom whispered something to him and the both of them suddenly turned to look at me. I'm trying desperately to hide my embarrassment at the time.

Silent loomed over us after that. Then I heard my parents start talking about the match-making. This is a conversational topic that never fail at bringing my mood down to the deepest hell. Even though Jinki is not too bad to be my future husband in terms of looks, but when they talk about that particular topic it made ​​me remember of the incident that I distaste and it still lingered perfectly, breaking up with Minho was the hardest thing I did in my life. I didn’t want to. Never!

I was thinking of resisting to my heart’s content when they start to talk about it. But I’m already expected the outcome, whatever I want to say what is on my mind at this moment, I will never able to change anything that has been decided. Particularly because this is one of the wishes of my dearest parents. I love my parents more than anything existed in this world and I’m willing to sacrifise my own selfish happiness for theirs including losing Minho from my life.

The man that I loved.

I return my gaze back at Jinki after I lost at my own train of thoughts for a split second. I still can’t grasp the current situation. I wanted to spew so many questions to the guy who sits in front of me. Does Jinki ever consider rejecting such request from his parents?!

He looks deep in thought when I’m done staring at him.

…

“ So this is your son, Lee?” My father initiate the conversation with his parents. His dad nodded while smiling politely to my parents. “The name of our son is Lee Jinki. What about yours, Jung?” The middle-aged man return the question back at my father.

“The name of our daughter is Jung-Soojung. Some people call her Krystal too. But, I prefer Jinki to call her Soojung. I think using her birth name would’ve been good for someone that’ll be your future wife, right Jinki?” My mother replied with a soft smile.  

There he is. I think, I got the answer for my question about ‘Does Jinki ever consider rejecting such request from his parents?!’ I guess not, because he seems to agree of my mother’s statement while smiling softly at her. I give him an apparent disgusting look towards him for a few seconds. I’m very sad with the whole deal and he can easily show off his smiles and enjoy it. What else can I show?

“We have something to announce, tomorrow will be the happiest day in our families history because, Jinki will be Soojung’s husband. Don’t you all agree?”  My parents announce it without hesitation. My eyes widened like they’ll never blink again as I hear the jawdropping statement. I shift my eyes to see The Lee’s family reaction. Fall to the deepest pit of hell! as his parents said yes with pleasure without looking at their respective son and myself.

 I breathed in deeply and give in with all of this . Nothing can be changed. Without realizing, the tears streaming down my face.

Then I turned my head to look at Jinki’s face in hope that he will do something against our parents’ decision and our eyes met and locked for the longest time. For the first time today, I feel like we have the same feelings, that is sadness. Almost in unison, we turned around to look at our parents who look exceptionally exuberant. They’re happy. But we’re not.

“Tomorrow will be a very tiring day and perhaps, the strangest day I will ever encounter”

***

“Lee Jinki, would you like to be the husband of Jung-Soo Jung, in difficult circumstances, happy, and sad?”  the headman, asking question such as weddings in general. I saw, he turned to his parents who  standing not so far from us.  They nodded their head, telling him to answered ‘Yes’ .

“I-do.” he answered simply and so easy.

“Then, you Jung-Soojung… would you like to be the wife of Lee Jinki in difficult circumstances, happy, and sad?” the headman, asking the same question to me. oh god! What Should I do Know? I have even known this man just yesterday! Then, I should to accept him to be my husband right now?

Really?

I saw him try to looked at me with fully nervous. he seemed agitated by his own thoughts. or ... he was agitated because waiting for my answer? No! I have to do this. I cant step back.

““i…do” I said it finally.

I looked at him again and he seemed more relieved for a next second.  Then, Now we have legally become husband and wife. easily. I smiled at all the guests who come. and then, I saw choi minho, stood at attention, looking straight at me with a sad face. I've never seen him like that before.

 i don’t know yet, what will be happen next? but, in fact I have no longer to choose something that suits my wants. And its over for me.

my tears began to falling again. this feeling really made me sad.  The ‘over’ words really piercing my heart in this time. how I can get through tomorrow without, given the opportunity to make choices in my life?

sound of musical instruments ranging echoed. all guests, starting stand up slowly to hear the official announcement from the headman. After that, we have to do acknowledgment as husband and wife as usual. We have to kissed.

He leaned forward and press his lips against mine. It was awkward and weird at first. But, I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy it.

His lips weren’t as soft as I imagined my prince’s lips to be like in my childhood dreams. But, he wasn’t quite the prince I imagined as a child either. his lips were so smooth and stronger at the same time, and they felt good against mine. I like the substance of it.

I like the way he kissed me. He closed his eyes, like really want to feel my lips against him.  My lips like a breath for him, source of his life, and berthing place of his love last. without realizing it, my tears-was no longer falling. They stopped, when his eyes started open slowly and met mine. Locked for eachother. Just the two of us. Then, after that… I kissed him back.

The kiss became deeper and deeper. His hands that cupped my face were strong,  So strong and feel hot against my skin.  Then, I kind of titled my head to the side, and he did the same. my lips moved a little against him. It was nervous and tender. But, it sent a million butterfly in my stomach and makes my heart beat faster than usual. Is it love at first kiss? Or, first sight? Or what else?!

Whatever is it, I just didn’t want to end up this moment. I loved his lips. I loved his-

Suddenly, I heard the sound of giggling guests who successfully interrupted our kissing session. I hate because, Jinki heard that too. with a very crap forced, we have to pulled away this kiss when I, haven’t had enough and felt addictive.

…

As a time went on, all guests started to move tasting food. I saw, minho use the situation by giving me a code to talk for a while. I looked at jinki for a second, ensure that he was busy before, I following minho outside.

“let’s run away” he said with a little forced me by, taking my hands slowly.

I pulled back my hand before I said, “no!”

“what?! S-soojung, please. I know you just love me, right? You cant sacrifice your happiness for granted. moreover, it is also about mine too!”

“I still cant Minho! I loved my parents so much, I didn’t want to hurt them!”

“then, you want to hurt me?!” he ask me with a sad face. I was silent for a moment. Can’t say anything. Then, he glared angrily at me because of it.

“you don’t Love him, Do you?!” he asked me again. then, here its is… the words about love reminds me back to the time when Jinki kissed me.

when we kissed.  It felt warm and safe. I still can feel it until now Even though, his lips no longer touched mine.  involuntarily, my fingers started to move slowly was about to touched my lips , to feel something soft that had touched earlier. No, I just cant get enough of it!

“Im so sorry, Minho. but, I have to go!” I said that, as i walk slowly into the building. But, a gently wrist back hold my hands, ask me to stay. I Looked at his face, which are full of sad and dissapointed.

“the way you kissed him back earlier…  It doesn’t indicate that you loved him, right?” he asked. I keep silent again. “ANSWERED MY QUESTION SOOJUNG!!” he shouted at me.

i-i didn’t no what to say. I just wanna go from this condition as I, try to release my hands off him. then I said, “im sorry, Minho. I-I just cant...” and I ran inside the building.

***

The next week after married. I tends to be a wife as usual. preparing breakfast when he woke up. then, prepare his clothes when, he wanna go for college. were still in college, but different place. I always get a little embarrassed when I start to prepare his clothes.

The clothes really had smell nice like himself. It was warm and safe. Even, when he used the parfumed, I just cant get enough to smell it, secretly. Oh god, what is this feeling?!

I just want to be a good wife for him. Make everything’s good and healthy for him. And be a better person everytime.

You know what? Sometimes, secretly I often watched him when he was a sleep on the couch. his face is so innocent and calm. His cheeks were so chubby and really makes me want to bury my face to him. his white skin, will be perfect to be touched mine. Because, i had white skin too. and, were so perfect together.

My sound a little bit creepy, right? I cant take this anymore… it seems like I already Loved him. I had a crush on Lee Jinki. My Lovely Husband. im happy, and thankfully to my parents which doing matchmaking for us.  but, did he loves me too?

I never saw him showing signs that he liked me except, when we kissed on our wedding day. But, it might be only forced by people cause, we have to do that. Especially, when the headman already announce the legally statement.

We are married and he never touched me. We didn’t have yet. He did keep himself away from me. And I don’t really know why?

This is the harder time, when I start thinking about rejection from him. Its  possible, if he doesn’t like me? He always avoided when we were in one room. and he always goes wherever I want him to stay. painful, yes it is.

The thoughts and this situations always succes to bring my tears stream down for a three times in a week.  He had never try to approached me at all. Maybe… he really hates our marriage.

I always try to do my best as a wife. Hope, that a miracle will come with it from love. but, I was wrong! Hearts cannot be forced. It wasn’t his fault. this was clearly my fault. yea, I am. because, I already in love with him at first and expect something more that will never happen. stupid girl!

***

Here I am

Standing alone on campus hallway ready, for going back to my apartment. oups, my apartment with Jinki. ours. when I wanted to go, a gentle hands pulled me slowly. I turned to him, and smiled sadly when I knew who he is. Choi minho. My-ex boyfriend.

“let me give you a ride” he offered.

“no, you don’t n-“

“please…soojung” he pleaded with, a cute frog eyes. I couldn’t resist constantly, He had been a part of my heart.

“okay..” I said, agreeing with his offer.

…

 A silence looming over us just the sound of a car engine with the sound of rain is quite heavy.  After 30 minutes had passed, we are finally reached my apartement.

“thank you, Minho” I mumbled softly, and rushed out of the car to get into my lobby apartement. He chased me, and took my hand again in the next few seconds.

“you wanna say something?”  I ask him. He looked avoiding my eyes which stared at him.

“Minho?” I called his name for making sure what is it. he finally staring back at me after, take a deep heavy breath for a moment. “I love you, soojung-aah” he said it.

“I cant forget you. I really do love you…just, please… comeback to me~” with the saddest face.

My tears began to falling again. it wasn’t because Minho. But, Jinki… I would be so happy if, he were saying this words to me.

if he cant love me like minho, so why did we still together until Now? if I knew  this thing would happen, I would never love anyone else besides Minho. I was hurt by the person who I loved. And, the worst things…Now ,I hurt the person who are really loved me.

“i-im sorry, Minho…I really sorry…” I cried,  cried hard that I thought my heart would drop out.

“don’t cry soojung, please” he said while wiping the tears from my eyes. I had to stopped the sobbing, before Jinki arrived and see this. I just have to.

“minho please go home..i don’t want my husband seeing you… “ I Said. His eyes sadly again.

“o-okay… but, you have to know one thing. if he doesn’t treat you as well. I swear, I will take you away from him! I will never let you go again for the second time, Soojung! I'll wait you forever ... I promised!” he finnaly said before, he leaved. And then, I turned to leaved the lobby too.

***

I walked into my apartment located on the 9th floor. And when I got there, I have no sign of where’s Jinki was. maybe, my husband hasn’t back home yet. I breathed a sigh of relief, as I wiped my tears were already rushing along.

And I heard someone’s knocking before opening my door apartement. It must be jinki. W-what should I do?! S-should I greet him or stay here until he called me?

“soojung-ssi!”  he called me. oh my god!!! Did he really called me before?!

I greet him with sweet smile for a next second. He doesn’t replied this time.  “that man…eum…I saw…I-I mean, that’s your boyfriend wasn’t it?” he asked me.

I was surprised. My eyes widened. I don’t know what to say. H-he… saw me with minho earlier, isn’t he? Oh god, what should I do?! This could be a misunderstanding. Oh no-no never, it cant be. Especially, because jinki doesn’t love me like I Loved him right now. Why did he have to ask this question at first place?! when we should have greeted each other warmly as husband and wife as usual.

I turned to look at him, and he looked deep thought in this moment. “N-no. he’s just my friend..” I  answered slowly. Im not lying. I have no idea why, that sounds like a little bit stutter and my eyes automatically avoided his. “why did you ask, anyway?” try to changing the subject.

“ouh, nothing. J-just making conversation… w-we cant always meet up with silent, right? Especially, because were live together in this apartement. So… I guess, I have to ask some question to make us feel more comfortable around eachother..” he explained.

He’s right. We cant be the hell silent all the time. But, im still confused with everything around us so, I keep silent for a while. Cannot say anything for some reason.

“I guess, I want to take a bath. Im so tired, sorry for disturb you!” he said with, looking my  face. Then, he leaved to the bathroom.  He will shower there.

how nice if I could be with him right now ... Ouch, No!! in bath?! You really cannot control your hormone,  soojung! What a ert girl!

***

I stopped my step when I saw jinki goes to music room after all his business in the bathroom finished. And I contineu to step forward for take a drink in kitchen. When, I was about go back to my room..I Heard the sounds like played piano and soon, a soft voice singing accompaniment it.

Jinki was singing.

I dont know if he has a very nice voice. His voice really made me relieve and sad at the same time for some reason.  Relieve, because this adds to my positive value to him. I know more about his figure through in the way he played and sing. Sad… because, the song he was singing was so sad. All of sudden, his deep voice… was sounded painful in my ears. Like, he’s devoting his sadness in that song.

Did he suffering? Suffering, had to live with me?...

I decided to listen to the song for a while. There are so many things I couldn’t say. I just standing here while only to heard him. then, by the time he reached high notes .. and I heard he sounds like he was crying as if his fate. I don’t know why, but im crying too. (too much, I think).  That song reminds me back to everything that I shouldn’t remembered.

I ran in to my room and shut the door. Half opened.

***

Heartbeat faster, time began to escape me, trembling hands touch skin it makes this harder. And, the tears stream down my face. I don’t wanna be without him. voice is numb, try to scream out my lungs ,and my judgements clouded…like tonight sky.

I know i am a fool and can only watch you from a far. your heart may look away from me, and so we could even become strangers just like, a fool as i can’t even say that i love you. It will be painful and sad for me if you reject me after that. I just want you to know, if you were to come…then come near me Jinki.

I love you… why did you sad because of that?

If only you had known then, inside my heart youre like the air I breathe. Valuable person.  My jinki… please don’t let yourself go too far from me. because I cant.. I just cant.

Blinded filling my self. I was about to cried louder in everysecond. But, it didn’t last long when you suddenly, came and asking me a question.

“why?” he ask. I looked at him ,after done wiped my tears, and changing with sweet smile. Or fake smile, I guest.

“why are you crying, Soojung?”  he asked it, clearly.

I thought for a moment. Try to found the best answer. did I have to tell him the truth?, told him if I loved him. So much. Told him, I dont want to lose him? Told him, with a louder voice if I DON’T WANNA SEE HIS SADNESS ANYMORE!! Then after that, would you like to love me Jinki?

Would you-

“do you want a divorce?” he ask me finally.

…

You know the time when the only one hopes that the angel of death came early? I hopes his coming fast right now. This pain is just too real.

TBC

*author's Note

Im sorry again for grammar and etc. im just trying so hard! im sorry really ^^