empire of the sun;

And then, Kyuhyun dissapears.

The first time Sungmin notices a certain softness in the way Kyuhyun acts when he's around him is also the first time he sees Sooyoung crying in the hallway of the hospital, eyes red as the sun at sunset. She dissolves into sadness quickly, almost too fast for Sungmin to realize how the low whimper has become a serious weeping and her echo loses in the darkness of the night. It's almost spring but it snows so hard that it looks from afar like the beginning of winter.

"He doesn't love me anymore," she tells him, " I know this, Sungmin." She lets herself to slide slowly against the white wall and Sungmin covers her legs with his scarf when he feels them cold. 

He should say something now; he should, because Sooyoung has been there to comfort him when he needed a shoulder to lay his head on and it would be nice to return the favor, hold her in his arms even for a bit, let her feel some warmth when the wind blows so fiercely outside.

"I don't know what happens to him. And it gets worse and worse," she says, pushing each breath harder each time, " I don't know what to do anymore. He always goes somewhere and when he doesn't, he just stares at the walls, at the sky, like I don't even exist."

He shouldn't let her cry for an idiot, shouldn't let her struggle finding out what has happened with Kyuhyun's feelings, why aren't they the same anymore and caress her hair instead, kiss her on her small forehead instead of Kyuhyun and tell her things will be fine

Still Sungmin remains quiet at her whimpers and lets her rolling in the grief of her own despair because Kyuhyun isn't there for him either, and he loses faith slowly. The bed is cold at night, the coffee is tasteless when he drinks it in the morning, Paris has no charm without Kyuhyun and the sand on the roof of the cathedral reminds Sungmin of good things, things that maybe won't happen anymore.

He tries calling Kyuhyun the next morning, but when he sees he can't, he dials Ahra's number instead. There's a short 'beep' and then a familiar voice says 'morning, Sungmin, if you call for Kyuhyun, he told me to tell you he has something to do in Incheon."

"Hasn't he told you what that 'something' is?"

He knows he sounds worried, a little more than he should since he's just a friend, so he clears his throat and tells her, " I know I'm not supposed to tell you this and that it would be more appropriate for Sooyoung to say it to you , but could you tell Kyuhyun to call her when he has some free time?"

"What happened to her?"

"She's okay, it's just that they have something to solve. That's all."

"Are you sure it's just that?"

Sungmin thinks about it just for a moment. "I'm sure."

It would be easier if he told her the truth because Ahra is understanding and wise and she would give Kyuhyun an advice, tell him not to throw away a relationship that has lasted for three years now, but then he remembers that maybe the bond between them is not strong enough; that Kyuhyun could kick him out of his life and all of a sudden Sungmin gets scared.

"You sound tired. Are you okay?"

Sungmin hums through the phone before hanging up. He remembers Kyuhyun pushing him against a wall in a deserted alley downtown, Kyuhyun giving him a kiss that never lasts as long as it should.

*

Sometimes, Sooyoung calls him and asks him if she can come over. They watch T.V while eating popcorn, drink hot coffee on the balcony while gazing at the stars, play cards under the sheets as they used to when they were little and Sungmin's heart softens at the way she lets herself to smile though the smile is not real. Still, Sungmin senses some kind of peace in her being, a sensation of calmness that spreads around them a gentle air that takes him back, back to his childhood, and makes Sungmin wonder 'what if things were different'. 

He wonders if Sooyoung's lips are as sweet as Kyuhyun's, if they taste like sugar cane, if her eyes are black coal when she's happy, and it's like Sooyoung reads his mind because she leans in slowly when Sungmin lets their foreheads bump.

"We shouldn't," Sooyoung whispers against his mouth.

He already knows that but he can't help but ask himself what does she have so special that Kyuhyun's sharp smile automatically sweetens when she's around even if he doesn't love her. He leans closer, and bumps into warm skin. Sungmin realizes that Sooyoung has her hands steady on his shoulders and that she tries pushing him away.

"I'm sorry."

"No," Sungmin says, and smiles, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

They part little after that.

Sungmin helps her wear her jacket and leads her to the door, right hand caressing the small of her back. Her cheeks are red when Sungmin kisses them. The gesture is somehow mechanical, but it remains appropriate. They're friends after all, Sooyoung makes fun of him sometimes that she knows his body like she knows the map of Seoul.

He waves her goodbye from the window of his room, and little after Sooyoung has disappeared into the silence of the night Sungmin gets out. Goes downtown and pretends of staring at the small glimpse of light coming from an apartment, people walking, the rush of life. Pretends of not seeing Kyuhyun looking at him from the top of a building, Kyuhyun's black shadow dissipating into thin air.

*

They measure distance in meters, miles, trying to compress space into numbers for it to look smaller than it is, sometimes bigger. Sungmin says that they lie, space cannot be measured in numbers because he's learnt distance is measured in the space between two mouths, how many steps are from a porch to a bedroom, how far Paris is in warm spring nights.

He tells Sooyoung all those one day, but Sooyoung rolls her eyes and calls him stupid.

She pulls away from his arms and walks on the tip of her toes to the kitchen counter to sit up on it. Letting her head against the wall, Sooyoung looks up at the sky and a strand of black hair falls over her face. Her long fingers removes it quickly.

"I'm sick of missing him, Sungmin, but I can't help. He's like a sweet poison." She rubs a leg against the other one and takes off her slippers. Her eyes, big and clear, let out two tears. Her face is lightened by the yellow sun and the glimmer makes her look more beautiful than she really is.

Sungmin looks at her, all big eyes and trembling lips, without saying a word because, what's there to say in such situation?

He turns to the stove and puts a pot with water on an eye to make some coffee instead. 

"He hasn't called, not even once since he's left," she says between a sniff and an exhale, "Am I that insignificant to him?"

Sungmin knows he shouldn't, but he asks her anyway, " Why don't you break up then?"

Her eyelashes are wet the moment she looks at him, and while Sooyoung's brows take a weird shape, Sungmin pretends he's busy. Pouring water in a mug, a teaspoon of coffee in another one. Pretends of not seeing Sooyoung storming out of the apartment with her jacket caught between two fingers because ' Kyuhyun's sent me a sms, he says he's waiting for me at a bar two streets from here'.

He wonders why hasn't Kyuhyun called him instead. Wonders why he would.

*