Dear Jong,

It is so hard for me to sit here at this moment in time and finally write this out for you...but I feel that the words forever written upon this small sheet of paper are words that should have been spoken aloud so many years ago. Words that should have filled the air that has surrounded us on so many different occasions and locations around the world. Words, that for so long, I have wanted to say to you in the hopes that you truly understand how I feel each and every day that I stand before you as a mere small speck upon this large planet that we call Earth. To be perfectly honest with you...I never thought that this day would truly come. The day where I could finally let go of every fear, inhibition, and negative thought that has raced through my mind, and lay all 52 cards upon the table of life. The day where I could finally build the strength just be honest with not only you, but myself. I feel that within this letter is a breath of fresh air that I have been yearning to breathe for over three years now, and a breath that I hope you will take in little by little with every word that passes. For months...no...years, on end, I have been keeping every bit of truth about myself bottled up, and the guilt within my heart has finally driven me to a point that edges along the boarders of insanity. The sweetest of insanity that drives me to silently speak the words that I want to embroid deep onto the surface of your beating heart. Concealed behind a protective, seemingly indestructible, wall that I built sturdy enough so that no one, not even myself, could break through, in the hopes that everything could somehow seem "normal" at the end of the day, my true feelings had no choice but to stay hidden in complete darkness, with hopes, and seemingly impossible dreams, that one day they could step past the wall and experience the wonderous feeling of what it is like to step into the light . Each and every time that I smiled at you, waved at you, or even gave you a hug, something that I anticipated each and every time that it happened, I repeatedly pushed those feelings back behind the wall, crushing their dreams and welling the wettest of tears into their eyes. In a way, I was becoming a murderer, Jong. I wanted them to experience only what I wanted them to experience. Feel only what I wanted them to feel. And crush what they were destined to experience. Destined to feel. Like a wicked mother-in-law, I thought only of myself, and never the feelings, which only got more rebellious as time went on, now attempting to shove my physical being into the light, instead of fighting to radiate such light upon themselves. And after years of attempting, the little wicked feelings have gotten their way, and I have finally decided to succumb to the light. I'm letting it shine down upon me and shower the depths of my skin with every word that I write upon this page, knowing that each and every one is significant towards how I truly feel, and not this fantasy of how I am "supposed" to feel.

It's strange though. What I was "supposed" to feel is what everyone has always wanted for me. Ever since I was a little boy, I have heard everyone say "find someone who makes you happy," "find someone who makes your heart skip a beat everytime you see them," "marry someone who you have truly fallen in love with." And strangely enough, as I sit here before you and write all of this, I have found all of these things except the latter, which I have hoped and dreamed, every night, may one day become a reality that I can touch, feel, and appreciate its softness. The softness that I touch in my dreams is the someone who has made me happy. The someone who makes my heart skip not one, but two beats at a time with even the slightest stare. And the softness that I touch and feel, is the hand of the person as I slip the diamond encrusted ring, symbolizing unity, upon their finger, materialistically claiming them as my own in not only marriage, but true love. But my dreams soon turn into nightmares every night as the fire of everyone else's reality seems to slip in one way or another, and burn my dreams into the blackest of ashes. This is a love "that will never be accepted," everyone says. A love that is "impossible," everyone proclaims. A love that "shall never be," as my mind has, so many times, stated to my heart. And as so many long days passed by, I believed the message that my mind was telling my heart. I believed that I was dreaming the impossible. I believed that with every slip of the ring upon the finger of the person who I truly wanted to be with, I was steering my heart straight down into the depths of a dark truth that, all around me, stated that my dreams were nothing but lies. That they would never happen. But as I write all of this to you...it's strange. I want to shout at that dark "truth." I want to stand up out of this chair, run outside, and shout to every dark truth around that my dreams are indeed possible. I want to scream as loud as possible that my dreams will one day come true, and that I shall feel the cotton softness of the hand that lies softly within mine, causing my heart to skip three more beats. I want to scream louder than humanly possible at the dark "truth" that my love is real. My love is true. My love is you.

Jong...it's you. I never thought that I would openly reveal that, especially to you of all people, but my true love...is you. Your hand is the one that I want to feel resting in mine as we stand across each other in pure happiness, the whiteness of our smiles being the only light that is radiating a great hall with nothing but the purest of joy as all of our truly loved ones surround us. Your eyes are the pair that I want to see looking deep into mine. Knowing every characteristic of my being. Knowing every emotion running through my mind, body, and soul. Knowing everything there possibly is to know about me, and loving it all, whether good or bad. And most of all, your lips are the ones that I want to feel against mine as we take that fateful step forward and show, and officially proclaim, our love to everyone in the world, whether they watch or not. I want that kiss to be the symbolism that everything that I felt in the past, and more importantly, everything that I feel right now was all worth it. I want to feel pure joy Jong. I want to know that the times that I looked at you with tears welling in my eyes, due to the sheer happiness that you're standing here on this Earth, were of worth. I want to know that every warm feeling that you sent jolting up my spine was of worth, and that you have felt the same jolt, even if it was only for one millisecond that was never thought of after. I want to know that the fact that my heart has the name "Kim Jonghyun" on the front of it is not a mistake. I want to know that we are destiny, Jong. I want to know that each and every time that I look into your eyes, and feel the love bubbling up inside of my stomach, my emotions and true feelings will one day be known to the entire world, and will be spiritually released out of my body as words as I stand across from you in my best suit and grinning my brightest, most pure, smile. I want to know that every time that I get that feeling of nausea every time you smile at me isn't a nausea of sickness, but instead, of pure love that will one day be returned. Overall Jong....I want to know that one day, you will love me the same way that I love you. I want you to know that I love you. I love you with the pains of the worst of infected cells running through my veins. I love you with the fire and intensity that we give everytime we make our way out onto each stage that we have the honor of performing on. And above all, I love you with the knowledge that each and every day, you stand next to me alive, well, and happy. Your happiness is what keeps my love strong Jong, and it is what will forever keep my heart beating strong. When you hurt, I feel ten times the pain. When you cry, I cry ten times harder. And I hope that one day, when you love, it will be the missing heat within my body. The cure to the infected cells within my body. The missing piece to my heart. You are truly the missing piece to my heart Jong..and I hope that one day, one fateful day that Buddha brings upon us, you can make it whole. That you can be the person that wipes my tears when I cry. The person that I laugh, cuddle, and watch cheesy dramas with.

I hope that one day...you can be my true love.

Sincerely,

Key. <3