“When do you think Eli will be back?” Hoon asked, sprawled out on his bed. Dongho shrugged, eyes on his game.

“Do you think he’ll be back in maybe half an hour? Or more like a couple of hours?”

“I don’t know.”

Hoon resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He shouldn’t have bothered asking Dongho.

He rolled over and got up off the bed, steeling himself for what he was about to do. He had tried to respect Soohyun’s obvious wish to be left alone on the relationship issue, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He had given Soohyun his space for long enough.

“Can’t respect your wishes if they’re stupid,” he muttered to himself as he left the room.

It had been a few days since the last time Hoon had tried to bring up the subject. The two had been painfully awkward around each other for the first day or two after that. They tried to act like nothing was wrong so the rest of the group wouldn’t be concerned, but they were only partially successful. Hoon was sick of it. 

Today Soohyun seemed particularly miserable, making Hoon feel even worse than usual. He had made a mess of everything when he confessed his feelings. He felt bad about that, but even so, he wasn’t sure he was sorry he’d done it.

He had to confront Soohyun once and for all. To either hear Soohyun admit his feelings, or to leave convinced that he truly didn’t have any. Hoon had his share of doubts, the last few days, about whether Soohyun loved him or not. But he kept reaching the same conclusion. Why would Soohyun kiss him if it didn’t mean a thing? Once quality Soohyun had in abundance was sincerity. Besides, why would Soohyun be so miserable lately if he truly didn’t care for Hoon?

Hoon knocked gently on Soohyun’s door. He hesitated when there was no answer, and then let himself in, shutting the door behind him. The lamp beside the bed was on, casting a soft glow on Soohyun, who was sound asleep in his bed. He looked down at his friend. Friend. A wry smile twisted his face. The word ‘friend’ hardly seemed to apply, lately. He debated whether he should wake Soohyun up. This was his best chance at having a private word with him, before Eli came back from wherever he was and wanted his half of the bedroom back. 

In the end, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the sleeping leader. He hesitated, just for a moment, then carefully laid down beside him. If this was the last chance he had to be this close to him, he was going to take it. He moved slowly, holding his breath as he situated himself alongside Soohyun. When the other man didn’t move, Hoon slowly relaxed. He pressed his face into Soohyun’s side, scrunching his eyes shut, his heart hammering.

This situation he’d gotten himself into was hardly ideal. The tension between the two of them was a constant ache in Hoon’s heart. But even so, he couldn’t bring himself to regret confessing to Soohyun, or kissing him. His best friend was someone completely worth falling in love with, whether that love was reciprocated or not.

Perhaps half an hour passed, and Hoon began to drowse. Sleepily he wondered if he should get up, or if it would really be that bad to fall asleep here. He should probably leave. He wasn’t sure he wanted Soohyun to wake up and find him there. But it was so comfortable snuggled up here…  

Hoon was pulled back into full wakefulness when Soohyun suddenly started twitching, no doubt lost in some dream. Without warning, his arm flung out and hit him square in the face. Hoon yelped in surprise and pain, leaning back and rubbing ruefully at his cheek. Apparently woken by Hoon’s cry, Soohyun stirred again. His eyes opened, squinting in the lamplight.

He froze as he noticed the man by his side. Then he turned his head to look.

“Hoon.” His voice was expressionless. “What are you doing in my bed?”

“I… came to talk to you,” Hoon answered, abashed. He certainly hadn’t meant to be found like this.

Soohyun glowered at him, not saying anything.

“You were asleep, so I… I’m sure you’re not happy to see me, but I…” Hoon trailed off, taken aback by Soohyun’s bad temper.

“Of course I’m happy to see you,” Soohyun responded, his words sounding forced. “You’re my friend.”

“Friend,” Hoon echoed sadly.

“Friend,” Soohyun repeated, voice firm.

Hoon saw the tense set of Soohyun’s jaw. He looked away.

Soohyun sighed, rolling his head back onto the pillow to stare at the ceiling.

“I was thinking things over,” he murmured. “I want to go back to the way it was. I’m hate how we’ve been acting so weird around each other.”

Hoon glanced at him. Of course, he wanted to stop being awkward around Soohyun as well. But Soohyun’s next words did nothing to hearten him.

“There’s this… thing with us,” Soohyun admitted, clearly uncomfortable. “But we don’t have to act on it, in one way or another. Look, I know how you feel, but it’s just not something we need in our lives. We have to ignore it and move on. You’ll thank me someday.” He sounded like he didn’t quite believe his own words, as if he was trying to convince himself as well as his friend. 

But it didn’t matter. Hoon knew that once Soohyun set his mind to something, he was determined and he wouldn’t give up. Am I too late? Hoon thought, heart sinking. Did Soohyun make his decision without me?

He couldn’t bring himself to give up, though. He decided to ignore Soohyun’s declaration rather than respond to it.

“You never answered my question,” he murmured.

“What question?”

“Whether you loved me.” He stretched his hand out, mindlessly tracing patterns on Soohyun’s upper arm. “You never answered. You just ran away.”

Soohyun closed his eyes. He took a shaky breath.

“I want an answer, Soohyun,” the younger pressed. “If you really don’t love me, I can accept it. Or, at least, I will try to. But I want you to tell me the truth.”

He glanced at Soohyun, who was still staring steadfastly at the ceiling. His heart fluttered nervously.

“I don’t love you,” Soohyun said harshly.

The butterflies in Hoon’s chest died. His heart plummeted into his toes. The fingers that had been gently Soohyun’s skin stilled.

Soohyun turned to look at him, jaw clenched. “I don’t love you, I’m not gay, and I never will be. So give it up. Give it up.”

Hoon stared at him, trying to understand past the rushing noise in his head. No. He couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t accept that Soohyun didn’t love him.

Because I don’t believe it’s the truth? He found himself wondering. Or because I don’t want it to be the truth?

Screw it. He pushed himself up, launching himself at his friend. Leaning across the elder’s chest, he pressed his lips against Soohyun’s, kissing desperately, once, twice –

For a moment Soohyun didn’t react. Then his arms came up, and he shoved Hoon back violently. Hoon collapsed on the bed next to his friend, holding himself up on one elbow.

Soohyun was sitting up now, eyes trained on the younger, chest heaving.

“What the hell, Hoon?”

“I…” Hoon stuttered. “I guess I thought I would ask your body directly. Your brain keeps lying.”

Soohyun let out a frustrated groan. “Why can’t you just accept it? Move on! I understand you’re hurt, but you’ll get over it.”

“I can’t accept it because I don’t believe you,” Hoon whimpered. Tears pricked his eyes. “God, Soohyun. Maybe I’m just completely crazy. But I can’t believe it when you say that. I’ve spent the last year and a half watching you. I probably know you better than you know yourself at this point. For a long time I didn’t think you could ever feel for me the way I feel for you. But then you… you kissed me. It opened my eyes for the first time.”

“Hoon--”

“Dammit!” Hoon exclaimed, ignoring Soohyun’s rising protest. “You’re too honest, Soohyun, you’re too sincere. I can read you. How do you expect to lie to everyone? How do you expect to lie with your whole life?” He broke off, breathing heavily.

Soohyun stared at him, brows drawn together, lips clenched. They trembled briefly. Then Soohyun lay back down, looking away.

“What are you so scared of?” Hoon asked, voice breaking. The elder didn’t answer for a long time, leaving Hoon to collapse face-down on the mattress. A black hole opened somewhere in his midsection, tugging at his aching heart.

At long last, Soohyun’s voice came, tentative, so quiet it was almost a whisper.

“What if it isn’t real?”

“What?” Hoon lifted his face off the bed, fixing his gaze on his friend.

“God knows I haven’t dated in a while. What if… what if I’m just mistaking friendship for something more? What if my body is just taking the only outlet it sees? What if these…” His voice dropped until it was just a puff of air. “What if these feelings aren’t real?”

Hoon’s heart swelled with love and pain. Soohyun did love him. He did. But he was afraid. Hoon tried to ignore his urge to hold his friend tightly to his chest.

“Why wouldn’t they be real?” he asked instead, gently.

“I’ve only ever dated girls. I mean, I’ve sort of thought about guys before. Certain ones. But doesn’t everyone do that? I’ve never had a… a crush on a guy.”

“Maybe you just didn’t know any that were particularly appealing to you. It’s possible to be bi, you know. I am. I’ve dated both genders.”

“You have?” Soohyun turned his face to look at Hoon, curiosity bringing some spark back into him.

“Oh, yes. I didn’t sign away my prime dating years to a company the way you did,” Hoon teased.

A little smile played at the edges of Soohyun’s lips. He resettled himself on the bed before opening his mouth for another question.

“So I don’t suppose you would… No. erted question. Ignore me.”

“What is it?” Hoon grinned.

“Well, I mean, guy on guy… Have you… I mean, I wondered…”

Hoon decided to rescue him, guessing what he was getting at. “Oh, it’s good. Just as good as with a girl.”

“Really?” Soohyun took a moment to digest the information. “It’s not just disgusting?”

“ is always disgusting, if you think about it,” Hoon responded. “But people like it anyway. I don’t think two guys is any worse than a girl and a guy.”

“Oh.”

Hoon couldn’t help it; he let out a laugh at Soohyun’s expression. The elder’s eyes flicked to him, and he grinned reluctantly.

“I can’t believe you’ve done stuff like that. Jeez, Hoon, you’re supposed to be the cute, innocent one!”

“So is Kevin, and he goes around seducing everyone and pretending he doesn’t notice that he’s doing it. Looks can be deceiving.”

Soohyun reached over and punched his shoulder, laughing.

They quieted after a minute, and the atmosphere began to slip back into one of tense emotion.

Hoon decided to take another chance. “So,” he said, breaking the silence, “would you be willing to give me a try?”

Soohyun looked startled. “Give -- what?”

“A relationship, hyung.”

“Oh. Oh.”

Hoon felt the manic urge to laugh, but he was too anxious.

Soohyun hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said in a tiny voice.

“Soohyun--”

“No, listen. Say that my… my feelings are real. I can… I think I can believe that. But what if it still doesn’t work out? What if we end up hating each other?” His eyes flickered nervously to Hoon. “I don’t want to lose you like that. I’d rather have you as a friend that not at all.”

“Shin Soohyun.” Hoon shook his head slowly. “That’s what love is. Don’t give up before you even give it a chance.”

He took a deep breath before continuing. “I know you. You set your mind to something, and you succeed. How do you think you got this far? Did you give up on singing as a child? Did you give up as a trainee when you weren’t the first one picked?”

“That’s different.” 

“No. It’s not. You saw something you wanted, you worked at it, and you got it. This is the same. The only difference is that this time, I will be here to help you.” Soohyun looked at him, the hope unfolding in his eyes making Hoon feel like he was coming undone.

“Don’t worry about failing, Soohyun. Don’t worry about hurting me. Right now you’re hurting both of us because you won’t give in to what you feel. Give us a chance.”

The two looked at each other for a long moment, chests heaving, thoughts and fears echoing between them. If I tried to kiss him right now, Hoon thought, would he pull away? I don’t think he would. He ached to close the distance between them, but this was Soohyun’s decision to make. He had to put in the effort, too. Instead, he reached out, touching one finger to Soohyun’s cheek. He ran it slowly, gently down the side of his jaw. Soohyun closed his eyes at the touch.

“Hoon,” he mumbled, letting out a breath. “You’re making it hard to think.”

“Sorry,” Hoon whispered, stilling.

Soohyun shifted, rolling onto his side, supporting his head with a hand. His eyes searched his friend’s face for a long moment, Hoon staring back at him. Their breath was the only noise they could hear in the quiet dorm.

“I want to find something out,” Soohyun said abruptly, face looking hesitant, but voice firm. Hoon could only look at him with wide eyes.

“Forgive me,” Soohyun whispered.

Slowly, he slid his arm around the younger, drawing him close. Hoon’s breath caught at the embrace. They laid still, hearts thudding. Then Soohyun’s face came closer… closer… and Hoon’s heart was jumping painfully now as he waited for the touch… But Soohyun just pressed his forehead to his friend’s and stilled again, his breathing uneven. Hoon closed his eyes, clutching the blanket beneath them tightly, sinking his teeth into his lip to keep himself from closing the distance between them with his mouth. He thought he might die from the tension.

Then Soohyun moved his head slightly, touching their noses together. His face continued its upward tilt… and then, god, yes, his lips pressed gently against Hoon’s. Hoon’s eyes scrunched tighter shut and a short, quiet whimper escaped him, muffled by Soohyun’s mouth. The elder laid a soft kiss against Hoon’s upper lip, moving his hand up his back.

It was too slow for Hoon, who had been waiting, needing this contact desperately. He latched onto Soohyun’s lower lip, tongue pressing against it before he could take stock of his actions. Soohyun’s breath caught, and he shifted his mouth down, lips reaching for Hoon’s tongue, only to be frustrated by the fact that it had been pulled back. He pushed his own tongue out, cautiously but firmly, brushing against the other’s teeth. Hoon opened his mouth immediately, meeting Soohyun, emitting another muffled whimper.

Their kisses turned hungrier, more desperate. Soohyun pushed himself up, pressing Hoon down and leaning over him, propped up on his hands. Hoon looked up at him, face so open and pleading that it took Soohyun’s breath away. He collapsed onto the younger’s chest, Hoon’s arms opening and enfolding him as their lips met again. Soohyun moaned as the pace between them grew more frantic, Hoon threading his fingers into his hair and tugging lightly. More, more, more was the song sung between them, their breathing harsh, their whole beings focused on nothing but each other.

Occupied as they were, they didn’t notice when the door swung quietly open. It took another moment after Eli’s startled “umm?!” before they registered his presence.

Soohyun slid off Hoon, their mouths detaching with an embarrassing noise. All three stared at one another in shock.

“What is, uh…?” Eli managed after a minute.

Soohyun couldn’t help it; he let out a loud bark of laughter. Eli and Hoon looked at him as if he’d grown an extra head, which only added to Soohyun’s hysterical state. He was mortified at having been caught making out. So why was his reaction to want to laugh and laugh? He stuffed his hands into his mouth, shoulders shaking.

Hoon cleared his throat, pushing himself up and swinging his legs hurriedly over the side of the bed. Muttering a good night, he slunk out of the room, Eli stepping dazedly out of his way to let him pass. 

Once Hoon was gone, Eli fixed Soohyun with a hard stare, eyebrows raised. Soohyun’s manic grin faded. The younger shook his head and walked the rest of the way into the room, dumping his wallet and jacket onto the dresser.  He didn’t say anything; he just stripped out of his jeans and shirt and slipped on some shorts to sleep in. He then left for the bathroom.

Soohyun laid back, staring at the ceiling as his mind raced. He had liked kissing Hoon. A lot. Before Hoon had come in, he thought he had been prepared to never touch him like that again. But Hoon’s arguments had swayed his thinking just enough, and he had gone and kissed him again. Obviously his mind wasn’t as made up as he had thought it was. He sighed. How could I have changed my mind so easily?

Because I love him. The thought came unbidden, making his stomach lurch. He wiggled in anxiety at the realization.

Settling back down, he couldn’t help but replay in his mind what had just happened. A reluctant smile broke across his face as the recent memories came flooding in. Maybe I should give this a chance. 

Am I really sure about this? Cold fear trickled through his insides. He pushed it down. The logical part of his brain was far from being certain, but he knew. His mind had made itself up. 

So how was this going to work? Soohyun knew he wouldn’t want to try and keep it a secret. He couldn’t, anyway. It wasn’t even official yet, and Eli had already caught them. They would need to tell everyone -- the rest of the group, the manager. He quailed at the idea of having those discussions, but he knew he would be able to handle it.

Eli came back, Soohyun following him with his eyes as he got into bed. He reached over and shut off his light. For a minute they laid in the quiet darkness. Eli still hadn’t said anything, and it was starting to make Soohyun nervous. 

He decided to break the silence. 

“So… you don’t have anything to say?”

“Nope.”

Oh. They laid in silence for another minute.

“You have absolutely nothing to say about the fact that Hoon and I were making out.” Oh god. I really just said that. Soohyun brought his hands up to cover his face.

“You guys can do whatever you want,” Eli said, voice expressionless.

“It doesn’t bother you at all?”

“Well. Uh, it was kind of unexpected. But yeah, whatever, it’s your life. Do what you want. Just, you know, stay off my bed and away from my stuff when you’re… doing that. And maybe lock the door.”

Soohyun let out a laugh. Jeez, why was he like this all of a sudden? He kept laughing when there was no call to. He wanted to go run around and possibly scream, not go to sleep. He let his arms thump down onto the bed, sighing heavily. Life was about to get a whole lot more interesting.

“Quick meeting!” Soohyun announced the next morning after everyone got up. Soohyun hadn’t talked to his friend yet today, but he figured he would agree with what he had to say. 

They gathered around (reluctantly in the case Dongho, who was still half asleep). Hoon looked at Soohyun with tension in his face, trying to avoid meeting his eyes. Various sleepy and curious eyes watched as Soohyun walked to Hoon, taking his hand. Hoon looked up at him, hope and fear both in his eyes. The elder gave him a little smile. 

He turned so he was facing the rest of the group. He slid his hand up Hoon’s back, stopping to let it rest on his shoulder.

“Hoon and I have something to tell you all.” He swallowed back the spike of nervousness that shot through him. He looked around at the attentive faces of his group, trying to keep the words from getting stuck in his throat.

“We’re dating,” he burst out clumsily. “I mean, from now on… we’re in a relationship. We’re together.”

He glanced at Hoon for support as the younger’s fingers spasmed, tightening on his. Hoon was looking at him like he couldn’t believe it was true. Softening at his friend’s -- no, boyfriend’s -- gaze, Soohyun wanted nothing more than to reassure him with a soft press of lips. For the sake of the rest of the band, he suppressed the urge. Instead, he reached up with his free hand and softly touched Hoon on the cheek. The younger closed his eyes, leaning into the touch.

“Finally,” Kiseop exclaimed, and the two looked up, startled. For a moment, they had forgotten everything but each other.

The look on Kiseop’s face was somewhere between a happy grin and a smirk. “I’ve been waiting for you two to figure it out.” Kevin giggled nervously.

“Well, congratulations, anyway,” Eli said. “Just don’t… uh, make out all over the place.”

Hoon looked down, blood rushing into his cheeks. But he couldn’t hide the smile of joy.

Later that day when the two managed to find a minute alone, Soohyun took Hoon into his arms again. They kissed slowly, passionately, their hearts meeting and overflowing.

No, their relationship probably wouldn’t be easy, or necessarily convenient. They would have plenty of battles to fight. But they were together now. They wouldn’t go back. And even with all their flaws, nothing could be more perfect.