The first time Soohyun seriously considered the fact that he might like other men, it was because of Hoon.

Hoon had been with U-KISS for over a year now, and Soohyun firmly considered him to be his closest friend. He had seen him at his best and worst, and always been by his side. When there were breaks in their schedule and Soohyun didn’t see him for a few days, he would inevitably find himself missing the other man. He took to texting Hoon all the random comments that would spring to mind, sometimes calling him when he felt the need to hear his voice. Of course, he missed everyone in U-KISS when they were absent; but he missed Hoon the most.

One particular night was the last one U-KISS was going to have together before going on a short break, so the group had gone out and partied some before coming back to crash at the hotel. They stayed up well past midnight, enjoying the fact that they wouldn’t have to be up early in the morning. Not wanting to separate to their own rooms, they’d popped in a movie and made snacks. Eventually, as the hours got later, half the band finally went to bed, the other half dozing off in the living room. Soohyun had been one of the first to fall asleep, lulled in a happy fog of friendly companionship and alcohol.

Hoon had been particularly clingy tonight; in his own alcoholic haze, no doubt. Soohyun hadn’t minded. He never minded being touched by Hoon. Even so, he was a little taken aback when he woke up on the living room floor in the early hours of the morning to see Hoon pressed up firmly against his side.

Soohyun’s arm had gone dead, pinned beneath the younger. His first instinct was to pull it out from under the sleeping man, but he paused, looking down at his friend.

Hoon wasn’t one of those people that looked particularly cute when asleep. No, there were bags under his eyes, and the lamplight made his skin look sallow. But he looked so peaceful and contented. Granted, Hoon frequently looked that way when he was awake. But this… well, maybe Soohyun was just being weirdly sentimental, but he just wanted to keep gazing at him, taking him in. He liked the way Hoon’s chest rose and fell, the way his fingers curled up where they were pressed against Soohyun’s side. He even liked the way Hoon’s hair stuck out oddly as he slept, not all perfect the way it was when they were on camera.

Soohyun was brought back to earth by an uncomfortable twinge in his arm. He didn’t want to disturb his friend, but he needed to move. Slowly, he shifted his shoulder, pulling his arm out from under Hoon with care. Ugh, Hoon is heavy when he’s asleep.

He had managed to remove his arm most of the way out from under the other man when Hoon suddenly stirred. Soohyun froze, holding his breath as Hoon’s eyes opened a crack. The younger didn’t look up, though; he just blinked slowly, shifting a little. Then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he stretched his arm out over Soohyun’s stomach, twisting his fingers into the elder’s shirt. He breathed a deep sigh of contentment, Soohyun’s name falling from his lips. His eyes fluttered shut, and after a minute his breathing deepened as he fell back to sleep.

Soohyun was still stuck with his arm at an odd angle, wrist under Hoon’s head. But he wasn’t paying attention to the way it felt anymore. Instead, he was distracted by the way his heart was suddenly thumping in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Hoon and pull him closer.

Should he blame the alcohol he had consumed earlier for the overly affectionate desire?

No, Soohyun thought, I didn’t have all that much to drink. That’s not it.

He closed his eyes, too tired to deal with the way he felt -- as if there was no better feeling than having Hoon’s body against his like this. It wasn’t as if they’d never been this close before, on multiple occasions. Probably hundreds of times, by now. Living so closely with so many other people, getting to know everyone so well, they were constantly invading each other’s personal space. But even so, he appreciated Hoon’s closeness right now more than he should. Touching a friend like this shouldn’t make his body so warm and tingly.

Stop being gay, Soohyun.

I’m not being gay, he answered himself. It’s just that it’s late, and people are always weird when they’re half asleep. Anyway, of course I’m okay with touching Hoon. He’s my best friend. I love him.

Love? Or love love?

Of course not that kind of love, he thought at himself grouchily. I’m straight.

So far you’ve seemed straight. Maybe the right person--

Shut up, brain. I am so not thinking about this right now.

If there was one thing Soohyun was good at, it was focusing on what he needed to focus on, and rejecting things that didn’t help him. Strange random feelings about Hoon was one of those unhelpful things. For the most part he didn’t have to worry about it. But once in a while Hoon would say something, or look at him in a certain way, or come up behind him and put his arms gently around his waist… and Soohyun’s heart would lurch, and he would need to immediately distract himself before getting into another internal argument about whether he was being gay. He tried to quash any suspicions that he was, shying away from the topic even within the privacy of his own mind. If there was one thing he really didn’t need, it was a complication like that.

~~~

Where did Hoon go?

Soohyun glanced around the crowded kitchen one more time. He knew his friend had been there just a few minutes ago. Was he in the bathroom, maybe? But several minutes later when Hoon still hadn’t returned, Soohyun decided to go and find him.

He turned out to be in his bedroom. Pushing the door open, Soohyun caught sight of him staring listlessly out the window, the light off. This couldn’t be good. He went to his friend, but Hoon didn’t want to share his secrets.

“Come on, you can talk to me…”

His heart lurched when Hoon finally admitted what was wrong. “I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be.”

“Is it me?” The words had come out before Soohyun had a chance to filter them. Somehow, despite the fact that he hadn’t been allowing himself to think on the topic, he knew.

“Yes. You’re so beautiful…”

Soohyun couldn’t do anything but stare. Forget the fact that they were both guys -- deal with that later. This was Hoon. Ridiculously talented, sweet, beautiful Hoon. Soohyun felt numb, his brain completely unable to keep up with this development.

Why would he love me? I’m nothing special.

He moved in slow motion, like he was part of some pre-ordained event; no conscious thought needed. He did the only thing he could do. He leaned down, put his finders under Hoon’s chin, and kissed him. Time stopped, and the only thing in the universe was the feel of Hoon’s lips against his.

Then he pulled back, just a tiny bit. He still couldn’t think. He didn’t need to. A little whimper escaped Hoon’s mouth as he latched onto Soohyun’s, and there was no more holding back. There wasn’t any room in his head for what are we doing or oh my god, I AM gay or someone could walk in on us. The only things that existed were Hoon’s hands unclasping and moving slowly up his back, pulling him closer; Hoon’s lips pressing against his own, breath warm and skin soft. They were the only two people in the universe.

After a few minutes, the pace between them slowed, and Soohyun gently detached himself and pulled back. Their hands came down to rest on each other’s hips as they looked at each other in pleasant astonishment. Soohyun felt… oh, it was too confusing! Jubilant and mortified; happy and scared. He studied Hoon’s face, brows drawn together. His heart clenched in his chest at the way Hoon gazed at him, nothing but hope and joy on his face.

“We, uh,” Soohyun stuttered. His hoarse voice felt like an intrusion into the quiet space around them. “We should, uh, go back…”

Go back?! he shrieked in the back of his mind. Go back to the party? Go back to our normal lives? How can we go back after this?!

Hoon nodded, eyes still boring into Soohyun’s.

Finally, he glanced away. “I think I’ll just go to bed,” he murmured.

“Right.”

For a moment Soohyun hesitated, and then he removed his hands from Hoon’s waist, shoving them in his pockets. Suddenly the atmosphere was awkward.

“I’ll, uh. I think I’ll go to bed, too.”

He jerked away from Hoon, heading toward the door, his mind still clamoring. How do you walk, again? Oh, right.

“Good night,” he said gruffly as he yanked open the door.

He glanced back at Hoon briefly; too shy, all of a sudden, to hold his gaze. But he didn’t miss the look of complete contentment on Hoon’s face as the younger bade him good night.

Somehow Soohyun made it to his room, but he couldn’t go to sleep. He paced back and forth distractedly, mind whirring.

Oh my god. I kissed Hoon. Something like excitement rose up in his chest, only to be quashed by mortification. I just kissed my BEST FRIEND.

He groaned. Why had he gotten himself into this situation? What was he supposed to do now? What did he even want to do now? He was stuck somewhere between wanting to dive into bed with Hoon and either kiss or cuddle the hell out of him; or maybe jump out the window and run away to a country where they’d never heard of Shin Soohyun and start a new life raising goats, or something.

Hoon woke with the sun the next morning, prevented from falling back asleep by the memories of last night coursing through his mind. Memories; not daydreams. His toes scrunched against the covers in happiness and he pulled the blanket over his head with a face-cracking grin.

He got up shortly afterwards, but it was hours before Soohyun finally made his appearance in the living area, where Hoon, Kiseop, and Kevin were sitting. Hoon glanced his way, heart fluttering.

“Good morning, hyung.”

Soohyun’s eyes darted toward him and then away again, his jaw tightening. He didn’t reply for just long enough that it began to feel awkward, and then forced out a “’morning.”

Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Hangover, hyung?”

Soohyun just shrugged, shuffling past them toward the kitchen, leaving Hoon staring worriedly in his wake.

That was just the start. The next few days, whenever he was around Soohyun seemed distracted, withdrawn. Worse, he didn’t seem to want to spend any time with Hoon alone. Sometimes Hoon caught his friend looking at him as if he desperately wanted to be touched; but if Hoon tried to draw close, Soohyun would shy away.

“We need to talk.”

Hoon stared down at Soohyun where he was seated at the table. Soohyun didn’t look up.

“I don’t want to talk,” he mumbled.

“I don’t care. We need to.”

Soohyun shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably, sighing. “Fine, whatever.” He put his hands on the table, pushing himself up so he could follow Hoon to his room.

Once they were inside, Hoon shut the door. He gestured to his bed. “Want to sit?”

Soohyun shrugged, then sat down. Hoon remained standing, too agitated to do otherwise. Soohyun steeled himself for the subject he knew was about to come up. He really didn’t want to talk about it. Hadn’t he been trying to avoid thinking about it for the last few days?

“You kissed me,” Hoon said abruptly. The words hung in the air for a moment before he continued. “Did it mean anything to you?”

Soohyun looked up at his friend in surprise. He opened his mouth to reply, hesitating. “It doesn’t matter if it meant anything to me,” he murmured. “We can’t… We don’t need this.”

“Is it because I’m not a girl? Are you embarrassed?”

Soohyun couldn’t help squirming a little in discomfort. He found it very hard to meet Hoon’s accusing stare.

“It is because of that,” Hoon said tonelessly.

“No!” Soohyun burst out. “No. I mean… yes, it’s kind of... Look, I always thought I was straight. I mean, I had thoughts about guys sometimes--” He cut himself off with an impatient flap of his hand. “It’s just -- what would management think?”

“The dating ban was lifted,” Hoon pointed out gently.

“Maybe, but I don’t think they did that so we could start dating each other,” Soohyun retorted.

Hoon tried to ignore the way his stomach flip-flopped at the words ‘dating each other’ coming out of Soohyun’s mouth.

“I doubt that was their intention,” he conceded, “but still… people are more open-minded about it these days. Management could live with it; we’d just have to keep it a secret from the media and--”

“No!” Soohyun cut him off. “It’s not… it’s not that. I just… ugh.” He leaned forward, pushing his face into his hands. “We don’t need that sort of drama. It would only make things more awkward. What if we… What if it didn’t work out? How could we go back to being friends? How would we keep the peace in the group with a rift like that in the middle of it?”

“It’s already too late to go back.” Hoon’s voice was quiet, insistent. “I…” There was a hitch in his breathing before he continued, “I tasted what it would be like. To have you. I can’t… God, Soohyun.”

He looked away, his calm demeanor cracking around the edges. Soohyun stared at the floor, wearing a slightly pained expression, not saying anything.

“I’ve been wanting you for months,” Hoon admitted. “I don’t think I can stand it anymore -- being around you and not having you.”

His breathing came quick and shallow with emotion. He risked a glance at Soohyun, who sighed heavily, looking away. For a moment, neither said anything.

Soohyun glanced up as Hoon approached the bed, jumping a little in surprise as Hoon took his hand. He resisted the urge to pull away, not liking the fact that the other urge, just as strong, was to grip Hoon’s hand tightly.

“Let go of me,” he said, voice flat.

Ignoring the request, Hoon told him, “I’ll drop the subject if you can honestly tell me that you don’t love me.”

Taken aback, Soohyun stared up at him. “Hoon--”

“Do you love me?”

“Hoon -- you can’t expect me to just make a decision on the spot like this!” Soohyun protested, distressed. “I can’t--”

“I’m not asking you to make a decision,” Hoon interrupted. “I’m just asking you to answer a simple question. You love me, don’t you?” At odds with his so-far confident air, Hoon’s voice wobbled at the end of his question. His face took on a look of yearning, of uncertainty.

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know!” Soohyun let out a sigh of frustration, pulling his hand out of Hoon’s. He bit back the guilt that rose in his gut at the way Hoon was looking at him. He hated seeing the beginnings of apprehension and hurt that he saw there.

“What I do know is that we don’t need this complicating our lives. They’re complicated enough already. Just… don’t. Please. Just stop.”

Avoiding Hoon’s eyes, he pushed himself up and left the room.

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Update: In an effort to make the story flow better, I combined chapters two through four and rebuilt that material as two chapters. So chapter four has been deleted, but the material is still here. And improved.