We began in the summer, at the strawberry fields... do you remember?

Our laughter is that of rosy winter cheeks, crinkled and slightly stiff from the cold.

Your love is the bright and vibrant red of life blood.

We met in the strawberry fields out in the country. I poured my bitter heart out to you over sweet berries; feelings that you, a stranger seemed to understand. We kissed. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. We held hands and felt a cynical joy by letting him see our lips brush; Justice served. You… you tasted like berries that time…I liked it a lot, so I made sure that before you did it again that day, you would eat one. We hung out a lot afterwards, and now it’s autumn. No more berries, no more fields. That’s fine since we still hang out almost every day in the city. School started, and you ended up going to the same school as me. How weird was it to find that out in art class? You were late and I knocked my easel over with how hard I slammed my Bristol Board onto it…talk about embarrassing. Of course you’d take the one next to me, you were bold like that. I want to apologize for butchering your face when I was told to draw you, I was nearly brought to tears with how badly I did and it was sweet of you to say it looked like you (but we both know the truth don’t we?) However I think I’m getting a little off topic right now. This note… it has a point. I… Minho I like you. I like you more than a friend. More than the two kisses we shared that one time. I’m too much of a coward to tell you this in person, so I wrote this note…or well now it’s an essay I suppose right? Regardless…hopefully you’ll read through it and answer this question for me…in person or in a note…hopefully in person? Since you’re much braver than I could ever hope to be… but right, the question is this…

Will you go out with me?...

Yes [  ] No [  ] (Just in case you’re scared too. Place a check in either one)

I stared at the note for a moment, questioning its very existence before sighing and laying my head on my desk, hiding my face in my arms.  Was I truly this pathetic? I placed a check mark in the spot that corresponded with Yes after adjusting myself to face the note; both for my wishful thinking and for the answer to my own question. I groaned and crumpled up the note. My fifth one today. I placed it in my bag with other failed attempts at trying to confess to the boy I had grown to like over time. However there was still a problem.  I still had feelings for my ex. And I knew without a doubt, that those feelings were the reason why I couldn’t bring myself to give him the note. I just couldn’t do it. It felt like cheating and I wasn’t even in a relationship, go figure.  I beat myself up about it, but everyone did tell me that because the relationship was that long, it would take some time to fully be able to let go. I almost believed them, because really, if what they said was true, Jinki wouldn’t have left me and hitched up almost immediately after with that girl. I needed to get over him though, and fast. I nodded to myself with a sigh, it was going to be tough, but I knew that since  I had actually developed a liking to someone…it probably wasn’t that impossible. I just needed to think positive right?

*~*~*

Wrong. I was Dead. Wrong. But I didn’t figure that out until about two weeks after I told myself I’d get over him. Now Kibum is banging on the bathroom door and I think Jonghyun is trying to break it down. Why? I ran from them when they came into my room and caught me. I was cutting. Not deep though… until they spotted me. That was an accident.  It was a habit I picked up after the break up. Dramatic much? Yes I know. But I needed to channel all my feelings and felt the need to punish myself for being so stupid. I was humiliated and hurt. I guess people do stupid things when their heart is broken. I think I’m getting ahead of myself though. No one knows what happened to make me do this.  this cut stings.  I don’t do well with pain and I feel like I’m going to pass out to be honest. I cut my thighs. Never anywhere someone could see under normal circumstances, and surprisingly I don’t scar. I put sanitizer on the cuts a few times every day until they heal. It burns like hell but it works…either that or my pale skin just doesn’t scar easily. This one might. It’s making me nauseous just looking at it. Crying doesn’t help. Neither do the voices of my friends screaming at me to open the door. I’m such an idiot…

Jinki came over last night. He wanted to reconcile or something, I don’t know. Felt like it was bad the way things ended. He cried. He was sensitive like that and it always made my heart melt. We spoke and caught up, his smile, the way his eyes crinkled; I just fell so hard for him again like he didn’t dump me and turn straight. Well…maybe he wasn’t as straight as I thought he was.

“Taemin I…”

Love you?

“Miss you…” He told me with a puzzled expression, as if he couldn’t understand why…something was bothering him, his feelings were conflicting, I could see it in his eyes.

Close enough.

Enough for me to end up sleeping with him that night. I just…I was just so damn hurt  and lonely as all hell without him, I just needed him close.  I swear nothing changed, He still wanted me. I could feel it in everything we did that night, But in the  morning…He left in a hurry, saying that this was a mistake and he was sorry. How ing pathetic was I?  How stupid did I have to be to not see this coming, to let him back in without a second thought. I should have known better. Stupid Jinki didn’t lock the door. I knew I got a text saying that Kibum and Jonghyun were coming over, I just didn’t respond. Then they came into my room and saw me with a razor to my thigh. I never cut deep. Enough to break skin? Yes. But I was a coward by nature. I didn’t want to really hurt myself you know? But today I did, I dug it in and shrieked before bolting into the bathroom, razor stuck in my thigh. I slammed the door and locked it shut, shoving myself back against the wall. I chucked the razor as I slipped down to the floor. Sobbing, screaming for them to leave. To go away. I was bleeding a lot. How pathetic was I?

“Very. ing. Pathetic.”

*~*~*

“Taemin. Taemin wake up… is he okay?”

That voice. I know that voice. Minho?

“He’s fine and bandaged up. Blood’s all cleaned. I think the sight of it made him pass out, luckily it wasn’t too bad.”

“Kiki…shouldn’t we tell his parents? That he was cutting himself?”

“And make him even more upset? I don’t think so. Last thing we need to do is provoke him any further.”

“You sound like such a bad friend right now Kiki.” Now I recognized that voice…Jonghyun and Kibum too.

“I know, but it’s a hard situation to be in. We can’t tell his parents. This isn’t like Taemin at all anyway. Besides, there was only one legit slice on his thigh; you know he wouldn’t ever actually do that to himself. I think we startled him into doing it to tell you the truth.”

“We need to tell someone.”

“Not until we hear why. Maybe we can help. I don’t want to exacerbate his stress any more than he might already have himself. Plus, think of all the trouble he would get in…what do you think Minho?”

“I think I want to know why Taemin would do this to himself. That’s where I stand right now. I want to know if he is okay first and foremost. C’mon Tae, wake up. Wake up and reject my dates like always.” Was it weird that I could practically feel his pout. I started crying behind my lids. I was a terrible person. Such a terrible person. Minho’s words cut through me deeper than the razor had. Here I was rejecting this persistant and interested guy time and time again, and still the first thought in my mind was I wish Jinki was still here. He took such good care of me…he always knew what to do to make me feel better. I am such a terrible person. Minho needed to stop liking me. I flinched into awareness when I felt a thumb brush away my silent tears. I stared into the big worried eyes of Minho and my heart broke. I started sobbing. He held me as I cried and all I could say was “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Maybe if I apologized enough, things would get better right?

Wrong again.

*~*~*

But this time it was only a week after. Minho and I were walking about, my cut was sealed, and it wasn’t as deep as the panic stricken mind of mine made it out to be. I hadn’t seen Jinki in a while, and even though he’d made it clear how he felt, I still missed him. I just wanted to be happy again you know? For five years, He was my happy. It was awkward now since he was my childhood sweetheart and best friend throughout the most crucial phase of growing up. I didn’t know how not to be with him. Almond spiced Chai lattes with cinnamon and extra foam were our winter choice of ‘walk about’ drinks. Somehow we got into the topic of us going out. I said I couldn’t and I apologized. Then he asked me why. So I told him I still had feelings for Jinki. Which was the stupid truth of life…well at least mine.

“Oh… I see, I completely understand though, no pressure. How long were you two together again?”

“Five years.” I winced inwardly and sighed.

“Ouch… but speaking of pain,” I chuckled at how he changed the topic so easily.

“Your leg…or thigh. Is it still hurt?” Or not… both topics were related. Not that he would know it.

“No. It sealed up nicely…puckered and tender, but I think I’ll live” I grinned. Too widely. I think he noticed.

“Tae…” He stopped walking. .

“Yes Minho?” I asked a bit shakily.

“Why.” It wasn’t a question; not really, he seemed to have a feeling about something and wanted an answer. It was one of those, I’m not letting it slide, type of responses.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I muttered and averted his gaze. Mistake number one.

“Tell me.” He said, blocking my path from walking. When did we end up in the park?

“Minho I don’t want to talk about it. Please let it go.”
 

“I can’t. You don’t seem to understand just how…worried I was about you. Kibum called me crying…you never said why you did it and I want to know…why? What would make you want to hurt yourself? Tell me Tae, please stop being so distant.”

I opened my mouth to say something and then I shut it again. Mistake number two.

The way he was looking at me. He knew. He ing knew why, but he wanted me to say it. How did he manage to piece it together? I’d probably never figure that out. 

Please let it go... I'm afraid to tell you because you migth grow distant. If I say it, it only makes it more real... 

He stared me down, and I started feeling bad. A guy who cared about me, wanted to be with me, and I was busy friend zoning him for an ex that didn’t want me. Why?  I wanted him to come back again, maybe I could fix things, and everything would be okay again. Maybe if I told him…he’d stop pursuing me.

“I did it because of him okay?” It came out bitter and angry. I didn’t notice him tense. “I did it because I’m not over him and even though he came over the night before to talk, and we slept together he still chose her over me. Calling us a mistake.” I didn’t see his fists clench.  I was too busy blurting out everything. “I didn’t mean to cut that deep, I swear Kibum scared me and I …It just happened.”

“You…you did this,” He touched my thigh and my heart raced. “Over him?!” He shouted at me and I was startled. He made me cry almost instantly. “You cut yourself for him?! Taemin what the is your problem?!” He shouted, and I could only stand there wide eyed. I tried answering him, but all I could stutter out was a meek

“I-I”

“Oh what are you going to tell me? You love him? Is that why Taemin? You love him and he won’t come  back to you no matter how much you think, wish and curse about it?!”

“But you don’t understand, I-” 

“I don’t understand? Are you…Taemin please tell me you’re joking. Do you not recall when we first met I told you, I could sympathize?  That I could feel your pain and knew exactly why your friends wouldn’t understand?”

“But,”

“But what? You think you hurt more than me? Is that it? Well let me just give you a newsflash Taemin. When I said I was getting over a break up myself, I never told you the extent of what that even meant because it was too painful to say. You think I don’t know how you feel? Well listen to this and listen good.” He growled and gripped my shoulders tight, pulling me towards him and staring into my eyes with a controlled rage on the verge of snapping. 

“You think you’re the only one who suffers every day wondering why me? What the did it have to be me? What did I do to deserve this? Well get your head out your because I have to live that every day of my life. My ex? My ex died in a car crash to a party I didn’t want to go to. He didn’t even drink. And you’re telling me that I don’t understand what it’s like? Although its been about two years since they died, when I told you I had just gotten over a break up, I meant that about the guilt I felt about everything, The heartache and the fact that it still had a hold over me. I had let go of them and was ready to move on. I chose you, I decided that I would want to try again with someone, and that someone would be you, because you would understand. You knew what it felt like to be bitter about it, and you wouldn’t push me to ‘get over it’ like my friends or other people I’d dated. So when you rejected me time and time again, I always smiled because I knew you had to still be hurting, but you let me get close. I figured you’re learning to let go, like me. But to find out that you… you could hurt yourself over a man, no a manipulative child who doesn’t even care that you hurt, doesn’t care that you bleed… it. It pisses me off!” He was yelling again. I was sobbing but he didn’t seem to notice.

“I cried. The way you’re crying too, God knows I’ve cried. And I cried because it was the best thing I ever had, and I lost it. Gone. But you crawl out of bed. You get dressed. You go to school or work or both. You smile and talk. You forget, and eventually, you don't cry anymore because you forget about those feelings. The heartbreak. The pain. The loneliness. And you move the on. I cried because it was the best thing I ever had, and I lost it. But at least I had it. And you need to ing realize that too Taemin.” His eyes got watery and he stormed away from me. I knew he was crying, the way his breath let out so much smoke from the cold. I’d made him cry, I’d made myself look like an and now he probably never wanted to talk to me again. But wasn’t that what I wanted? For him to find something better…right?
 

Mistake number three.  

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Well then... Chapter two of three. A bit intense don't you think? Let me know what you guys think. CHapter three, the last one of this story, will be posted up soon~