Yongguk’s fingers lay stagnant against the keys of his laptop, throat tightens as he struggles to swallow, uncomfortably seated before his friend’s inescapable gaze.

“What do you mean?”

Junhong yawns, arms stretched to the side. “I mean what made you want to run away again? I know you said he didn’t show, but what happened?”

Yongguk traces the 7 key with the tip of his index finger. “I ed up.” He inhales slow. "I was scared I guess you can say. That I was missing out on whatever else was out there. It came to a point where it was the same thing everyday and I kind of freaked out. I started distancing myself and I didn’t realize how much I’d pushed him away until I couldn’t find my way back.”

Junhong blinks, lifts himself from the bed to keep from falling asleep. He takes a few steps over to the desk, plops on the floor next to Yongguk and looks up. He can tell from the look on the other’s face that this isn’t easy. Yongguk glances down, gives the younger a half smile and looks back to the keyboard.

“I went to this bar down the street one night and there was this guy who kept talking to me and no matter how much I said no, he wouldn’t go away. And all I remember is tanking another shot before…” he trails off, grimacing at the aluminum heating up under his palms.

Junhong leans his cheek against Yongguk’s knee. “Before what?”

“Before I woke up next to him.”

Junhong’s eyes fall to the crosshatched pattern on Yongguk’s jeans.

“That’s not even the worst part, Junhongie. Daehyun didn’t know about it and I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him. I was so stupid. So scared of losing him."

Junhong doesn’t want to hear more. He knows how this story’s going to end, but the impact is all the same. Yongguk leans back into the chair, exhaling slowly as his eyes shut.

“I felt so disgusting. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t be with Dae anymore because it’d remind me of that night and I kept pushing him further. There was nothing I could hide behind and nothing I could do. Either way I was losing a battle I had no right being in and I couldn’t see the damage I had done.”

Junhong’s eyes don’t leave the denim. There is nothing he can say. He lifts a hand and gently traces circles on the faded fabric. Yongguk opens his eyes to glance down, watching his friend scribble along his jeans. He knows the younger understands, that he wants to help and it’s enough to ease the pain.

The tiniest smile stretches Yongguk’s lips up as he gazes adoringly at his friend. In many ways Junhong always seemed more like the hyung. Whenever it came to things that involved some sort of responsible discernment, it was Junhong who made the call. But at times like this his true age showed, a kid: innocent and vulnerable, unable to agree or retort. The circles turn into random lines as his finger drags down to the side of Yongguk’s leg.

“Yah.” Yongguk’s voice is soft. Junhong quickly withdraws his hand. “You should go to sleep.”

Junhong lowers his gaze and puffs out his cheeks. After a few blinks, he looks back up, letting the air out with a faint pop. “Are you gonna sleep, hyung?”

Yongguk answers with a smile, which Junhong understands is an order and he crawls back to the bed with a yawn.

“Hyung?” Junhong mutters, eyes already closed. “Are you okay?”

Yongguk smiles. “Yeah.”

“Good.” There’s a pause. “Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“Goodnight.”

---

Four days.

That was the longest they’d spent apart. Daehyun stares at his phone, anxiousness itching away. He growls in frustration and tosses the phone onto the bed. He wants to call, yet doesn’t want to seem clingy.

Without being asked, Jiho always seemed to show up whenever Daehyun needed – or rather wanted him. But ever since that day, Jiho was nowhere to be found. Daehyun would text only to be silenced with an “I’m busy".

---

“Jae!” Junhong calls from across the café.

Youngjae cranes his neck in search of the voice and makes his way over, smiling at the extra body he wasn’t expecting. “I didn’t know you knew Yongguk hyung,” he says, taking a seat. Yongguk lifts his chin to greet the other, just as surprised as Youngjae that it isn't just a twosome kind of hang out.

“Yeah, I know him from school. We all hung out in the same group. He’s always been like an older brother to me.”

Yongguk reaches for his phone, pretends to be preoccupied as the other two chat away. He sneaks a glance at Youngjae, tries to decipher whether or not it’s safe to be here because Youngjae is Jongup’s friend after all and what if Youngjae invited him? He grows antsy with the passing minutes. What if Jongup is on his way right now? What is he supposed to say? Yongguk doesn’t want to face him. He needs to leave now.

“Hey guys…I uh, just remembered I have some friends to meet up with. I’ll see you at home, Junnie. Bye, Jae,” Yongguk almost stumbles over his words as he gets up and before either can even respond, he’s out the door.

*

After countless missed calls, unanswered texts and seven days, Jiho finally agrees to meet with Daehyun.

The sky is overcast. Jiho sits, staring out the window with an arm stretched to rest on the edge of the table, mug between parted fingers. Daehyun catches sight of his friend, unable to help the smile that creeps across his face. He unties his apron and steps from behind the counter. A sudden rush of butterflies fill his stomach as he makes his way over.

Jiho’s attention redirects to the now occupied seat across him. Though it thrills him to have Daehyun within an arm’s length, he keeps stoic, does nothing to greet the other. Daehyun’s smile slowly drops as he scoots closer. He clears his throat, feeling the tension fall upon them.

It is Jiho who breaks the silence. “How are you?”

Daehyun perks at the voice, but Jiho’s face remains expressionless, something very unfamiliar to the younger. He meets his eyes, hoping for some part of Jiho – his Jiho – to appear. “Good. Tired. You?”

“Good,” is all Jiho responds as he turns back to the view outside.

Daehyun feels so small. For the first time in along time, he has no idea what to do or say. He folds his fingers together, eyes fixed dejectedly on the crease in his knuckle. Jiho glances from the corner of his eye at the other. It’s painful to see Daehyun look so pitiful. It’s even more painful knowing he’s the one responsible. He picks his cup up, taking a slow sip. Daehyun stays frozen.

“What do you want?” Jiho asks a bit harsher than intended.

Daehyun lifts his eyes, unsure what he means. It’s as though Jiho can see the confusion because he continues. “What am I to you?”

“You’re my friend,” Daehyun answers quickly.

Jiho nods, jaw tightening. “Just a friend.”

Daehyun leans forward unintentionally. “You’re one of my best friends.”

Jiho chuckles almost mockingly and meets the other’s gaze. “I’m your only friend.” And it’s then that it hits Daehyun. Jiho is right.

The words cut in deep, sinking into the layers he’s hid behind all these years.

Save for Jongup, Jiho is his only friend. That’s why he clung onto him, craved his company, missed him so much.

Daehyun looks into the other’s eyes, expression morphing into one Jiho never wanted to see. His nose flushes red, eyes b over with tears. He covers his mouth and flees the café as fast as his legs allow.

Jiho quickly jumps up and watches as Daehyun runs, his own heart dropping.

He feels so trapped. No matter what he does, he can’t win. It seems like there’s only two paths he can take: either keep Daehyun happy and silently pine away as his heart slowly breaks or forget Daehyun and let them both fall into a somber abyss.

*

“What was that about?” Junhong asks, shoveling a spoon of patbingsoo into his mouth.

“I don’t know, but his roommate, Jongup, has been acting weird too. Like his mind is somewhere else. The other day I asked if he was okay and he explained to me what was happening. He ended up telling me about the entire situation from beginning to end and it was…a lot to take in.”

Junhong lifts a brow. “You know Jongup? Wait, is that how you know Yongguk?”

“Yeah, why?”

“They’re cousins. What do you mean Jongup’s been acting weird?”

Youngjae swallows. “He said he’s trapped in the middle. He told me about Yongguk and his ex and how they’ve been struggling to stay under the same roof and all this stuff.”

“What? Under the same roof?” At this point, Junhong shoves his bowl aside.

Youngjae nods, “Yeah, Jongup’s other roommate is Yongguk’s ex.”

Junhong’s eyes round in surprise. He thinks back to the day Yongguk came to the States and everything that happened prior. He remembers the day he convinced Yongguk to go back to Seoul to get Daehyun back and how he asked Jongup to pick him up and let him stay with him - only now realizing that he’s the one who unintentionally forced Yongguk and Daehyun into this very situation.

*

Daehyun can hear his name being called from behind, voices muffled by his own wails. He stumbles down the street as bystanders shoot questioning looks. He must be a sight, he thinks, cheeks a shade of crimson, mucus dripping down his cupid’s bow. He swipes a sleeve roughly under his nose, sniffling into the damp cotton. What more can happen?

As he approaches a span of green, his blubbering subsides and he watches as the field rolls in waves with a breeze. A single drop of rain disperses across his shoulder and he looks up at the clouded sky.

~

Jiho stands outside, staring off into the distance pondering whether or not to chase after Daehyun. He wants to go, but his legs won’t budge because he knows that if he goes, he’ll only end up in the same position as before: trailing behind Daehyun step for step, never being able to cross the line Daehyun had drawn long ago.

Any time they’d walk side by side, Jiho would graze Daehyun’s hand only to have the younger shift away. It was torture having him so close, yet not close enough and in the end he figured that it just wasn’t worth it anymore.

A speck of rain splashes his cheek. He looks up at the darkened sky with a sigh.

*

Junhong leans back into the chair, twists his tongue as he thinks thoroughly about it all. “That’s why he wanted to go back to the States.”

Youngjae tilts his head. Junhong glances at him and leans forward, either elbow propped against the table. “Yongguk hyung…was having a hard time a couple of years ago. He was still together with Daehyun. He used to tell me how perfect everything was until he started drifting from Daehyun and then it all came crashing down because of what he did.”

Youngjae stays quiet, listening intently as the younger speaks.

“I don’t know what to do, Jae.”

Youngjae taps his chin with the tip of his finger. “I never thought I’d see the day that I’d want to help Daehyun out, but from what Jongup told me, it sounds like he really needs it.”

Junhong pinches his brows together in confusion and asks, “You know Daehyun?”

Youngjae nods, “Yeah, that guy is a nightmare. Well, at least the few times that I went over to Jongup’s house he wasn’t exactly the welcoming committee, you know what I mean? Then again, Jongup told me why he was like that so I guess I can’t really say anything.”

Junhong’s brows squish even more. “Huh?”

Youngjae lets out a chuckle, “Jongup said that after they broke up, Daehyun turned into…a jerk, for lack of a better word. He kept everyone at a distance and yeah. It’s just sad. The whole thing is sad.”

Junhong nods in understanding. “I guess I only got one side of the story so I never knew. The poor guy. But for the record, Yongguk is a good guy. He'd never mean to hurt anyone. He made a mistake and it really was just that, a mistake.”

Youngjae doesn’t say anything at first, just smiles at the younger. “I can tell what kind of a person he is and I know he made a mistake. We all do. We’re human.”

Junhong pokes his spoon around the practically empty bowl as the other takes a moment to think. When Junhong lifts his gaze, Youngjae is grinning at him with a hint of mischief and he leans in to listen intently.

*

Yongguk walks briskly down the street, inhales deeply as the faint smell of rain fills his nose. He had just missed the light drizzle that passed over this part of town and looks up, hoping another shower won't come soon. The rain makes Daehyun sad, he thinks then pauses and tells himself to stop, when his phone vibrates.

JH: Hyung, where are you?

YG: Almost home. What’s up?

JH: You wanna go out tonight?

YG: Where?

JH: The bar down the street

*

Daehyun opens his eyes when the rain stops, his soaked self is propped against a trunk. Something black shifts in the corner of his eye and he turns to the right, jerking back in shock. Jiho is sitting but two feet away, struggling to fight the drowsiness pulling him down. Daehyun gives his shoulder a poke and he shoots up, looking frantically about. His gaze falls upon a baffled Daehyun and he straightens up, brushing off the embarrassment as he pulls a bag from behind him. He slides the zipper open, takes out a folded cloth and holds it out to Daehyun all the while keeping his eyes relatively low. Daehyun reaches for it, slowly takes it from his grasp and unfolds the thin blanket, covered in off-toned patches.

Without being asked, Jiho answers, "It started raining as soon as you left. You didn't have a jacket so...wrap yourself up. Don't get sick."

Daehyun does as he's told. "How did you know I was here?"

"Lucky guess," Jiho replies with a shrug.

Daehyun wipes his forehead dry with a corner. The rainfall had left him shivering and alone, but it's Jiho's demeanor that's leaving him unsettled and no matter how tight he grips the blanket, it just seems to get colder.

Finally, Jiho twists to face him. "I'm sorry for saying those things." 

Daehyun peeks from the safety of the blanket. "No, I'm sorry for everything." 

"It's okay. I just...wish that I knew before I fell for you. Then we wouldn't be in this mess." 

Daehyun lifts his head further above the blanket. "What do you mean?"

"I know about everything, your breakup, your ex. But I wish I knew all of that beforehand. Because then I wouldn't be hurting like this. Honestly, I thought that you liked me too. But then I realized you were just using me." Jiho scoffs, "I was so dumb."

Daehyun interjects, "I never used you."

Jiho looks into the distance. "Even if it was unintentional, it happened, Dae. I came here because I like you. Because I want to protect you. Because I want to be with you. But I can't. And I know that now. And it's gonna be a while before I'm able to look at you without wanting more than you're willing to offer."

Daehyun sinks back, unable to stop the single tear that trickles down his cheek. "Please don't."

Jiho just closes his eyes. "I'll see you around." And with that, he stands, dusts the damp dirt from the surface of his jeans and slings his backpack over his shoulder.

Daehyun reaches out, calls after him.

Jiho doesn't look back.

*

"Yah, Uppie. Let's drink tonight," Youngjae says casually.

Jongup sets his keys on the island and sits on the couch next to his friend. "Had a bad day?"

Youngjae nods convincingly enough. "Yeah. So you down?"

Jongup pops a chip into his mouth and shrugs. Youngjae grins, reaching for his phone.

~

"I think that's enough for now, hyung." Junhong reaches to his left, latches onto Yongguk's wrist as his hyung leans dangerously over the counter of the bar. He looks around when a familiar face cuts through the crowd. Youngjae is pushing his way across the room with Jongup behind him, the latter stopping the second his eyes land on Yongguk. "Hyung," he whispers to himself.

Yongguk his lips as the bartender brings over another glass. Junhong tries a grab at it, but Yongguk jerks back and before the younger can stop it all from happening, the person behind Yongguk is doused in whiskey. Junhong apologizes in his hyung's stead because the latter is too preoccupied with his now empty shot glass, away at the little liquid left lining his cup. To Junhong's surprise the stranger isn't mad at all, in fact he seems a bit too happy with eyes intent on Yongguk. "Remember me?"

Yongguk clanks the glass onto the counter and leans forward sluggishly, eyes squinting at this stranger. "H-Him...chan?" The stranger smirks, wipes the remaining alcohol from his arm. "Long time no see, friend."

Youngjae, Junhong and Jongup exchange looks, none liking the vibe this guy is giving.

"Are you back here to start where we left off?" Himchan asks with a grin.

Junhong squeezes between the two. "I'm sorry, have we met before?"

Himchan shifts his gaze to the younger, grin never leaving his face. "No, but I'm well acquainted with your friend."

"Look, now's not a good time. Don't mean to be rude, but he's not in any condition to talk you," the younger retorts.

Himchan chuckles, "There's no need to talk when we're together. Isn't that right?" He bends closer to Yongguk's face.

Junhong tucks Yongguk behind him. "He's not interested."

"Why don't you let him decide?"

Jongup takes a step forward, this 's persistence testing his patience. Himchan lifts his hands. "Hey now, I'm not looking for trouble. Just a good time," he says, shooting a wink at the slouching figure behind Junhong and with that he disappears among blurred bodies.

Jongup pivots. "That was the guy, wasn't it?"

"Ehhh," a deep groan calls their attention and they turn to find Yongguk smiling like an idiot, eyes unable to stay open any longer and Jongup can't help but laugh. 

"Well let's not let that jackass ruin everything. We came here to have fun right?" Junhong greets the two with beers.

Jongup isn't much of a drinker because he knows how much the smell alone gets to Daehyun. So he holds the bottle uneasily by the neck and looks to Yongguk. It's been a good three months since he's last seen or heard from him. 

*

Daehyun sniffles into the warmth of his blanket and tightens his grip along its edges. He can't sleep for the life of him and it's absolutely frustrating because Jiho's face is ingrained in his mind. He thinks back to the first day they met, how annoying the elder was. A giggle tickles his throat.

"er," he mutters.

He misses him. More than he wants to admit, but he does. What is he supposed to do? Either way he's hurting someone. The next half hour is spent fussing over the situation.

The oaf likes him for reasons unbeknownst and he struggles to wrap his head around that fact. If someone can learn to like him as he is - difficult, cold, cruel - then how is he unable to like them back? Perhaps there's something about Jiho that Daehyun is too stupid to see.

Jiho's smile flashes for a moment and it makes his heart skip a beat. Is there a small part of Daehyun that likes Jiho back? Maybe he's spent far too long ridding himself of feeling, training himself to keep everyone out. Maybe it's time to stop analyzing everything.

*

Jiho sighs into the night sky, a gentle breeze ruffling his hair. Why can't I ever like someone who likes me back, he asks himself.

He kicks a pebble to the