Listen to I Need You by Kim Sung Gyu : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aByzxzm9rhI

Winter always meant a lot more to me than I could understand. 

Where I live, it doesn't snow. Christianity is not the religion of the majority so there's not enough mistletoe or eggnog to chant in the authentic joys of Christmas. All we have are annual fairs and special packages for the local pizzeria, which is actually a blessing in disguise. Maybe because there's the end of the year around the corner and a force that makes us get out of our bed and start making a list of new chances and new choices that creates this happy atmosphere. 

It's always around December that I climb on a high. It's always around February that the loneliness creeps back in. 

I was on my way to my friend Hoya's girlfriend's birthday. To be quite honest, there was a part of me that still hung onto the crush I had on him. I didn't like these remnants, the small moments of jealousy that would remind me that I still think of him as more than a friend. For two years I struggled to balance between the friend he could lean on and everytime things went right in his life, the unrequited love that would reverb inside me while he laughed. Sometimes I wondered if he ever had an inkling about how I felt. Sungjong surely did. 

"You make it too obvious Ninja," he said. I pulled up my gloves while still hanging onto my iPhone. Sungjong and I had promised to meet at the park outside the party venue so he could prepare me for the night long extravaganza of Hoya's public display of affection towards his girl. 

I was glad that Eunji was such a wonderful girl. The fact that it was easy to like her made me feel better about my confused emotions. 

"Everything is too obvious to you Sungjong-ah," I smiled. 

"You hardly speak to anyone," he replied and I felt my smile faltering. "It's not that hard to dissect your thoughts about people when you have a character like yours."

"Yeah well," I murmured with a frown. "Try having a name like mine."

It was always my name and the lame jokes on how it hardly paralleled my personality. Ninja doesn't talk, maybe there's an invisible mask on her face. Ninja doesn't smile, she likes to run a katana through everyone. Ninja would never find a man, her samurai ancestors will haunt her husband forever. 

No one ever bothered finding out how I felt. A lot of bullying shrivelled me into an extremely reserved person and by the time people grew up enough to try and initiate a decent conversation, I forgot how to speak to them. Some said I was rude, some said I was tactless. It all boiled down to the 'ruthless samurai genes' running in my veins. 

From time-to-time I would find understanding souls like Sungjong and Hoya. Trust me to be close to two men out of whom one could only love guys and the other committed. Sungjong tried giving me a personality makeover once, but within a week it ended with a massive public toilet breakdown. 

"It's a blind date," he had reassured me while my fake eyelashes fell apart. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." 

"It's just a birthday party Ninja," he said and I saw him standing right infront of me. He grinned and said, "You'll be fine. Trust me."

                                                                                    ************************************

"Yah Jung Eunji. Marry me."

From the corner of the room, I could feel Sungjong's warm eyes bore a hole into me while I focused on the contours of Eunji's face. Her expression transformed from utter shock to embarrassment to glee to joy to... She was crying now and when she nodded and kissed him, I couldn't describe the feelings that their eyes had shared with each other. That feeling was alien to me. That moment wasn't mine. 

Hoya beamed at the entire room until finally, his eyes rested on mine. He walked towards me, his arms wide open, his eyes glinting with happiness and disbelief. He embraced me and I murmured "congratulations" while he tightened his grasp on me and in a soft whisper told me he didn't want to cry infront of Eunji. While he let his tears roll down my cardigan, I closed my eyes to hold in mine and upon opening them, I found Eunji staring at me. 

We stared at each other for a while until I mouthed, "He loves you." She blinked and smiled, nodding as I let him go. Eunji walked towards me and when we hugged, I rubbed her back and whispered, "I wish you both all the happiness in the world." She didn't say anything and when I added, "I mean it," she stepped back and said, "I know."

The night ended with a surprise burst of winter rain, which many guests chanted as being good luck for the newly engaged couple. I found my muffler underneath a half-drunk Woohyun trying to get a sober Myungsoo to sign up for next morning's hangover session. I bid Sungjong a goodbye wave and when he tore himself away from his boyfriend, I shook my hand and made an 'okay' gesture, a grin on my face. Before I could leave the place, I felt someone's hand rest on my shoulder. 

"Leaving?"

I swallowed the pangs and turned around. "I have some errands to do in the morning."

Hoya nodded and with one hand in pocket, gave me a one-arm hug. "I'm glad you came. I wanted you to be here with me tonight."

A sincere smile lit up my face and in a moment of lucid epiphany, I realized that Hoya had never been meant for me. The moment I stepped out of the door and heaved a sigh, I knew another reason to wake up every morning had died. I couldn't be sitting on the fence any longer. I couldn't share Hoya with Eunji, whether as a friend or an object of affection. I felt content as well as empty at the concise end to this one-sided love. 

Winter always meant a lot more to me than I could understand. But that night, when the cold rain followed my silent tears, I knew that they would sear into my memory as a season of diamond rings and heartbreak.