...of failure and sadness

Chapter 1

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                Read. Write. Edit. Submit. Revise. Submit again. Revise again. Submit. Publish

                These words were running on my mind like a broken record. Glancing on the wall clock above my head, I muttered a curse under my breath. The clock read 11:15 pm, leaving me with forty-five minutes before deadline. A death line. I’ve been working online, for a company that requires me to write at least three articles everyday that tackles interiors design.

                “I’m supposed to be an interior designer” I sighed to myself.

                 I’ve done well on the first month but now lately it seems like my interest in writing has waned. I barely make the cut and last week, my employer hinted that they’re not happy with my progress.

                “Not their fault honey,” I told myself “you’re totally being sloppy.”

                Racing against time, I quickly typed away all the points that I noted down in my notebook. Almost done, just a few touch-ups, editing, paraphrasing and I’ll be done. I copied the picture that I needed and placed them on the article while putting captions. A few more minutes and I’ll be able to submit this and then I can rest.

Ah rest~ 

                That totally sounds good, except I never really get enough of it. Everytime i try to take a break my mind reels and whirrs leaving restless and completely devoid of peace.Maybe tonight, ill be able to rest. I’m almost done putting the citations from the websites and books that I used as sources when everything went black.

                It was as if the life of the world was into a black hole, and now all I’m left with is utter darkness. Darkness all around, like being thrown in a pool of black silk, nothing palpable but your own breathing. I enjoyed it for a while, for it felt like a sanctuary. For once all that I’m feeling inside is not darker than what I see outside. Then the thought came to me. It’s so staggering; it literally knocked me off my feet. No light. No electricity. No power. No internet. No submission.

NO SUBMISSION.

                   I won’t be able to submit my articles. I won’t be able to send it to my employer for him to publish it on his site. I just blew my last chance and now I’m not gonna get paid or worse I’m not hired anymore. JOBLESS. Again. Jobless again after 2 months of working underpaid in an online company as a writer. Jobless again, after my old design company shut down due to the poor economy. Jobless in a foreign country with a handful of acquaintances and a sprinkling of friends, who are probably having money troubles themselves.

                That time, he felt scared and alone but he knew that he needs to be strong for their leader. The older one took the blow from the separation and scarred him deeply. It made him take on the habit of drinking himself to sleep and waking up rocked by tears from the different issues that arise. That time he knew that he needs to keep it together and so he didn’t focus on his own loneliness and fears.  He was forced to grow up for the hyung and have developed a deep hatred for the other hyungdeul for leaving them like that.

                For leaving him alone, forced to man up and mature in a short span of time. When they made their comeback with only two members, he felt pride for what he and Yunho hyung have accomplished but he knows that they still need to prove a lot to the entertainment world. Yunho hyung had to take intense vocal training again to the point where he can’t talk anymore so as not to hurt his throat anymore. He couldn’t even take in solids and had to take meds due to constant sore throat. And what about me? The intense physical dance training I had to undergo to keep up with Yunho hyungs’ dancing skills. 

                When they comeback as a duo everyone had doubts but they were able to conquer the doubts and came out stronger and more mature, but they didn’t feel complete. If it wasn’t for Raya and her friends we wouldn’t be able to make it back. Of course it wasn’t as easy for him as it was for Yunho to forgive the other three hyungs. He even throw a few punches to Jae hyung before. But that was all in the past now. Now, there is no broken Yunho hyung to distract his thoughts and so he was forced to dwell with his loneliness and fears.

                Ever since he left their dorm to live alone he couldn’t contain the loneliness. He continued his intense physical trainings and even took on acting lessons to keep himself busy. Busy and tired. Because that’s the only way he won’t have to deal with his homesickness. It’s been months already but he still hasn’t overcome his sadness.

                “Where are the convenience stores when you need one? Aissht~"  I asked the wall in front of me, I’ve been circling this block for about an hour now and not even a single signage for a convenience store in sight. “Wish I was back in the Philippines..argh where are the ministops and 7elevens?” I asked panting and hanging on to the wall to stop myself from blocking out.

                After fitfully sleeping for a few hours, the dread took over me, waking me up from the brightness of the room. The power went back on sometime when I was asleep and I woke up on a fully illuminated surrounding. There isn’t a company that’s open at this hour, but I know that even if I stayed inside my room I won’t be able to sleep anymore. So I decided to just go and jog without any direction, just planning my next actions when I noticed a hidden pathway a little way off from the jogging lane. I decided to check it out and follow where it would lead but after a few minutes I lost the foot path and now I’m in another part of town, lost and thirsty. This day was already the worst and it just started a few hours ago.

                I decided to take out my phone and call some friends who live around the area, not really sure if it’s too early or too late to bother them. “Who should I call?, I asked looking at the meager contacts when the phone vibrated causing me to jump a little. I read the name but I wasn’t sure if I was reading it right.

                “Yeoboseyo?’ I murmured to the phone, looking around while stand up to walk.

                “Jereh? Its me Jung Gun Yeong remember me?” the voice on the other line said.

                “Yeah, wazzup?” I was really curious about this call coz for one we weren’t really close and two he’s one of those professional dancers that I met during dance classes that I take every once in a while.

                “Listen, are you free right now? I kinda need to talk to you about business” he inquired in one breathe.

                “Sure why not, I’m already awake anyway.” I replied. I have a lot of free time since I don’t have anything to work on now anyway, I wanted to add, but he doesn’t need to know. When I look up I noticed that I’m on a little commercial district and to my utter amazement across the street was a coffee shop.

                “That’s great, I’ll just meet you in a while okay. Where are you anyway?” he said.

                “Uhm, I don’t know. I'm kinda lost,” I told him after contemplating a bit.

                “What? Aisht find a place to wait and I’ll track you through phone tracker okay” he said before hanging up.

                The sky is still dark but over on the horizon the first traces of light are peeking. Crossing the street I opened the door of the café and decided to buy a cup of warm milk and bottled water. This day may still be promising, I told myself while staring at the newspapers on the rack. I decided to buy one and check the job listings, while walking towards a table on the far end of the café. The place is nearly deserted except for an old couple sharing the morning paper and some workers and travelers.

                 I sat on an empty spot near the large picture window on the side of the shop across a guy whose face was covered by a baseball cap. He looked familiar but I can’t place where I’ve seen him before, and my heart started beating because of the familiarity. I willed myself to lookaway. I dont want myself to feel familiar with him anymore. But i couldn't deny who he was. I knew him from before from when we were still together.

                  He looked over at me and noticed that I was staring. I quickly looked down and pretend to check the listing, while he turned his full back on me. I didn’t even notice that I was staring at him, because I was zoning out.

A/N: hello readers I know its kinda long but I hope you enjoy it. Raya was a fictional character from another fanfic written by logistilla. :0 curious? --> 친구! (Chingu!)

Jung GunYoung is a dancer and choreographer friend of JYJ heheeh.. :)