notice me, senpai!
there should be a punchline in here somewhere.
There was a time in our group's lives that some would call the anime period. Others called it the shoujo period. But me? I like to call it the Japanese schoolgirl Jessica period.
Nobody had really noticed her at first. Like a little barnacle clinging to the hull of your ship- she was tiny. Especially compared to Luhan's ego and Jongdae's voice because hot damn, those things could crush all of Russia because they are that big. Pretty small in comparison to Yifan as well (who people named the Canadian giant). It proved to be a problem to poor Jessica. She wanted to be seen. Especially by her 'big fuzzy wuzzy old moose baby'.
AKA, Wu Yifan.
"Thanks for inviting me!" Krystal smiled at Zitao as she walked inside the lavish apartment, tossing her jacket onto Chanyeol's face and setting her hat onto the blundering giant's head of curly blonde hair.
"Oh dude who turned out the lights-"
"OMGGGG!" a sharp squeal left Chanyeol's words unheard. "IS THAT FROM THE NEW GUCCI LINE?!" And Krystal was promptly dragged away by Zitao, who was gushing rainbow jelly all over the foreign girl's Gucci shirt. What nobody had previously noticed was the small orange-haired woman who stood behind the now-absent Krystal. Her eyes were blank as lined paper, posture sluggish and jaw slacked from lack of knowing what to do. So she approached Chanyeol.
"Umm. Are you the coat hanger?" she cautiously removed her coat, ready to drape it over Chanyeol's shoulder when his freakishly long limbs suddenly flailed about so violently that a large hand bowled her over, jacket flying into the air and artificial ginger going down like a kamikaze.
"."
And her coat fluttered down on her small figure that was splayed over the lush carpet. Smells of a department store's perfume counter she managed to point out before she was crushed into an impromptu door mat by a heavy body.
"OH MY FAPPING SPIDERS IT'S A HORSE OMG GIDDY UP PONY GIDDY UP." the deep voice was the same of the person who had previously shouted . She floundered hopelessly under the suffocating weight, arms and legs flopping around like a fish out of water while the person continued to sit on her and tug on her hair like they were reins.
"Oh lord, CHANYEOL. GET YO FAT OFF THE DOOR MAT. IT'S NOT A HORSE." another deep voice broke in and the heavy weight was thrown off of the woman. Sadly, she found it hard to move again. The voice continued, "How much pot have you had today I mean good lord." For some reason, the woman found herself craning her neck enough to see the owner of the new voice.
And that's when her life was complete. Like literally before it was half a pie and then bam the other half popped up.
But she couldn't admire the brooding blonde for long. The doorbell's annoying chime interrupted the ranting man, and he immediately shut up as he walked towards the door. Her eyes lit up as he walked closer to her figure and she was about to speak when his large foot smashed her face back onto the floor.
"Huh. Maybe Zitao got it." he shrugged as he kneaded the 'door mat'. Simply waltzing off of it, he opened the door to welcome more people in and she found herself being stepped on more and more and MORE.
By the end of the night, she hadn't moved. Maybe because she was flattened down into a pancake that everyone claimed was a welcome mat. But suddenly, a staggering man fell right next to her, his face also smashed onto the floor as he planked.
"Omg door mat my life ." he grunted. The door mat painstakingly reached out her hand, patting his head.
"Tell me about it. I mean people just walk all over-"
"Ok so I ran out of pot and I was like 'hey Choa can I have some of yours' and she pulled a total Golem on me and was like 'MY PRECIOUS' right in front of Jongin so stupid Jongin was all like 'YOU TRAITOR OMFG HARRY POTTER FO LIIIIFE' and then yeah Sehun threw books at their faces and then Luhan got me drunk and ugh my manicure got chipped." the man cut her off before ranting off about what happened to him, not realizing that she didn't literally mean tell me about it. The door mat simply nodded. "I'm Minseok by the way door mat."
"Jessica." the door mat nodded again. What she didn't expect was Minseok to suddenly burst into ugly sobbing, snot dribbling down his face as he cried the Mississippi River.
"omG JESSICA YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND."
Soon learning from the drunk baozi that the y blonde from earlier was known as Yifan, door mat AKA Jessica began to devise a plan. She wasn't planning on being a welcome mat for her whole life. No.
Senpai was going to notice her.
"Is he gay?"
Jongdae choked on his soda, spluttering and spitting out the fizzy drink all over Joohee's homework. Before the blonde could maul the troll, a wild Yongguk appeared in her lap and being a feral Joohee, she immediately pounced on the poor man and tackled him to the ground. Sehun simply threw a world almanac at them before tossing a novel at Jongdae's face.
"No." the tall Korean answered Jessica with a shake of his head, throttling a book at Jongdae once the sheep tried to get back onto the table. The orangehead blinked in disbelief.
"Butbutbutbut he's like married to that panda." she pointed to the panda and buffalo that were in the distance, looking like a forlorn puppy as she looked at the two. "He should be married to me-"
"Are they married? Well actually that's a good question-"
"THAT CAN BE ANSWERED BY MAGIC."
And Sehun sniped the approaching Jongin with a textbook.
"Why don't you ask Yifan yourself?" he took a leisurely sip of his tea as he slammed an atlas onto Joohee and Yongguk. His poker face was beginning to creep poor Jessica out and his suggestion left her a mushy pile of feelings that rendered her incapable of answering. "He's pretty straightforward. He'll tell you up front if he's gay, Sica."
"BUT NO OMG HE'D LIKE-"
"MAGIC."
A picture book hit Jongin point blank.
"Grow a pair." Sehun finally cracked a rare smile, partially enjoying the sight of his boyfriend hopelessly flailing all over the floor. Jessica whined loudly, head coming into contact with the table with a loud thud.
"But I'm a girl how would that even work-"
"BY MAGIC."
Jessica's dictionary flew like an eagle before hitting Jongin right in the crotch.
Jessica actually lost count of the minutes that she sat there. Cross-legged, staring at Yifan as he perched on top of all of his books with a furious blush on her face. Yet, the blonde hasn't even looked at her. He was completely oblivious to her presence. The poor girl began to wonder if she seriously was like a little speck of dust to Yifan. Because everyone saw her, giving her weird looks throughout the whole class despite the fact that the Canadian looked totally unaware of the fact that she existed.
"Senpai."
No response.
"Hey senpai."
Nothing.
"Notice me."
Silence.
"Pls."
Null.
"Senpai-"
"YAH! JESSICA YOU PAY ATTENTION THIS IS CLASS YOU FACE." And an apple sniped her straight from her perch, tiny body flying through the air before crashing to the ground. Yifan simply straightened his stack of papers with a face as Heechul bombarded poor Jessica with erasers.
"THIS IS GOD'S CLASS OK PAY ATTENTION OR I WILL SMITE YOU I SWEAR I WILL SMITE YOUR PERKY ."
Jessica found herself aimlessly hitting her forehead on the floor because senpai didn't notice her.
"Ok. Foolproof. This is cool ok I can do this DEEP BREATHS ok breathe in breathe out."
It honestly Joonmyun's idea. So if anyone ever arrested her, she could simply say that. There ya go. It was his idea to dress her up as a neko. His idea to strategically place her in front of Zitao's seat in the jazz class. His idea to have her meow rather than talk. All Joonmyun.
On the bedazzled leash Zitao bought, Jessica was happily curled up in the Chinese boy's arms, forever thankful that Luhan helped her learn to purr before the plan was executed. He was absolutely thrilled by the 'cat' he found, and even more thrilled to show her to Yifan. Ever since the disappearance of their fashionable welcome mat, poor Zitao needed something to cope with the loss. And Sehun said that pets are a human's best friend so why not pick up a free cat?
"You are so kawaii like omg you're even cuter than Luhan! So squishy! O M G I'LL NAME YOU SQUISHY! AND YOU SHALL BE MY SQUISHY THAT I CAN SQUISH WHENEVER IT TICKLES MY FANCY BECAUSE YOU SO SQUISHY." the panda squealed, promptly kicking open the door to his apartment before waltzing in. "DARLING I'M HOME."
And Yifan was immediately at Zitao's feet, bowing like a subject would to their queen.
"How was your day sir? Fine, I assume?" Jessica winced when her jaw hit the floor. Zitao whipped off his coat before tossing it into Yifan's head, kicking his shoes onto the bench that displayed all of his shoes, cradling Jessica like she was the national treasure.
"Of course I mean puh-leez. I wouldn't be calm if I were angry, peasant." the queen (err- king?) scoffed before accentuating in sharp engrish, "Stoopid." That's when Jessica realized that Zitao was just like Krystal. Was Yifan in her place then?
"Of course, your majesty. Excuse my stupidity."
"Whatevs." then Zitao released a squeal that made dogs in Sweden cry and windows in New Zealand shatter. "BUT O M G MEET SQUISHY SHE'S OUR NEW CAT ISN'T SHE JUST KAWAII DESU AS ."
And Jessica found herself being throttled at the tamed Yifan, yowling in the most feline way possible before she simply hit the buffalo's face, landing in his arms with a whiny meow.
"Yes, your highness. Squishy is kawaii desu-er than ." he nodded emotionlessly, petting the furiously blushing Jessica with his large hand. She fangirled so hard that she might've lost an ovary or two in the process, tears streaming down her face and eyes wider than Kyungsoo's. Yifan pet her for a while longer before setting her down, smiling fondly at the purring 'cat'.
But there was a flaw in the plan.
When the ears came off, she turned invisible to Yifan. Again.
She sat on her haunches, staring at the sandwich-making buffalo with an intense glare, her cat ears in her hand. Yifan didn't speak. In fact, it was like she didn't exist. Then she cautiously put them back on.
"OMFG SQUISHY WHY YOU SO KAWAII." and Jessica was mauled.
The ears came off.
Yifan continued to make his sandwich as if nothing happened.
On.
"SQUISHYYYYYYYY!"
Off.
Ham was placed on the bread.
On.
"HNNNG SQUISHY-"
Off.
Jessica frowned. This plan was doomed. Sure, senpai finally noticed her, but only when she was Squishy the cat. When she was herself again, she basically disappeared. The idea made her want to cry the Nile river. But then technically the tears would flow up her face so she could only cry the Mississippi River.
"Senpai, why won't you notice me? For being Jessica Jung, the person I really am and not Squishy the cat? Please... I love you, ok? Notice me." the snot and tears dripping from her chin even hit Yifan's sandwich, but it went unnoticed. He just took a bite from the sammich before walking away.
What went totally unnoticed was the hysterical panda peeking out from the doorframe. The huge puddle of snot and tears forming at his feet was noticed by Yifan though, who slipped on it as he went to eat his sandwich in the peace of his room.
"YIFAN JIAHENG WUFAN KEN KEVIN KRIS WU YOU GET YO Y OUT HERE RIGHT NOW." Zitao scooped Jessica into his arms, petting her protectively as he stormed around the apartment in a hissy fit. "COME SEE YOUR QUEEN."
"Yes, your majesty?" and Yifan was at the fuming panda's feet. He sent a small smile at the 'cat', who visibly huffed in response to the act of affection.
"YOU ARE AN ."
The buffalo blinked. "Um I am bi but umm am I an -"
"YOU STOOPID TARD. YOU'RE A DOUCHE." and Jessica was flung at his face. "DO YOU NOT SEE THAT JESSICA LOVES YOU WITH ALL OF HER KOKORO."
"The is a Jessica?" Yifan removed the fussing 'cat' from his face.
"THAT CAT."
"Umm no, Zitao. This is a cat."
"NO IT'S NOT."
Yifan took a nice long look at the disdainful Jessica, who pouted angrily before hissing at the stupid buffalo.
"Yes it is. Squishy is a cat."
"THAT'S NOT SQUISHY THE CAT. IT'S JESSICA THE HUMAN."
"Idiots."
And a dictionary sniped the cat ears right off of Jessica's head. A certain book ninja grinned at his victory, perched on the arm of the sofa with his glasses at the edge of his nose. He pushed them up.
"Sehun? Wha-"
"NO. NO. YIFAN- YIFAN. I IS SPEAKING TO YOU. BOY. YOU IS NOT SHOWING ME ATTITUDE ARE YOU." Zitao stomped his feet, scaring poor Jessica who was dropped to the floor within seconds of the outburst.
"Of course not, your highness." Yifan bowed, totally ignoring Jessica in the process. "My sincerest apologies."
"GOOD. NOW LOOK AT JESSICA."
"THE IS JESSICA."
"HER!" Both Sehun and Zitao flailed their arms in the fmling woman's direction.
"HER WHO?!" Yifan followed their gaze, but saw nothing. Nothing but a small piece of orange lint that could probably fit in Jinri's pocket. He frowned. No lint could be in his house without his permission.
"SHE'S RIGHT THERE YOU FACE."
And as Yifan plucked the lint from the carpet, a miracle took place. The orange fuzz morphed from an unsightly bother to a beautiful woman with long orange hair, growing until she was cradled in Yifan's arms. His eyes grew wider than Chanyeol's. Wider than Jinri's when she snagged possession of one of xiuhan's tapes. Wide as the ing moon.
His half-pie life became a full pie.
"Look at his stupid expression. He finally sees her." Sehun snorted, twirling an atlas on his index finger.
"You're... beautiful..." Yifan gasped as he stared at Jessica. Her eyes widened in shock, nearly popping from their sockets.
"Senpai you... you noticed me!" she gasped. "I... I MUST CONFESS ALL MY SARANG FOR YOU. You make my kokoro go doki doki whenever I see you, senpai! You're my big fuzzy wuzzy old moose baby, senpai! DAISUKE SENPAI DAI ING SUKI." and by then, Zitao was reduced to a sobbing mess on the floor. The confession had moved him so much that he just wanted to sob the whole Mediterranean Sea. Yifan too was sobbing and bawling as little driblets of snot rolled down his chin.
"Touching."
And an apple smacked the derp right in the head. Nobody realized that the whole crew crawled out from hiding spots within the apartment, Heechul included. Nobody quite knew why. But he held erasers at bay, ready for attack whenever the moment called for it.
Right as the buffalo (moose?) and cat kissed, a certain panda broke out from his puddle of tears on the floor.
"OH LAWD OH LAWD FEELS FEELS FEEEEEELS OTP OTP OT ING P OH LORD PEASANT I MEAN YIFAN FOR THE LONGEST TIME HER KOKORO REACHED OUT FOR YOU AND YOU MADE HER WETTER THAN THE PACIFIC AND BRB DIEING."
Silence ensued.
"Why did face finally notice Sica anyways?" Jinri piped up.
"MAGIC."
A large world atlas set rammed Jongin over.
"Trololololololololololol."
The troll inside the closet had gone unnoticed until then.
{{ an. }}
lol why i mean jessica isn't even my snsd bias but
P A R T
Y?
so yes
our dunces win
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