Luhan is the manliest.
there should be a punchline in here somewhere.
There are many things Xi Luhan does to assert his dominance to creatures inferior to him. And starting off his day with a sleeping Minseok besides him and the sun shining in like a giant yellow balloon filled with a working lightbulb (hey. that could happen ok.) was exactly how his regular schedule kicked off.
No I mean literally kicked off.
"Yah! Get your buns off my bed, ruffian!" and with that, ninja Luhan mode switched on and his knees drew to his chest, followed by his feet smashing into Minseok's back. A high-powered frog kick sent the unsuspecting sleeping baozi to the floor, resulting in a maniacally cackling deer who bounded out of the room in nothing but Superman undies on whilst screaming;
"I AM THE MANLIEST!"
A pained grunt turned to a heavy sigh as Minseok decided that the floor needed to be waxed so it would taste lemony fresh again.
Looking as done-up as a runway model, Luhan strutted down the sidewalk with his fashionable Coach backpack slung over his shoulder, shades on and poker face activated. He made a deliberate point to pass by Yifan's apartment complex just as the towering blonde stepped outside. But did he even cast the other Chinese man a side glance? Hell no. He simply placed a perfectly manicured hand on his hip before sashaying right by Yifan, lips pulled into a condescending pucker (that too is possible.) before he suddenly paused.
He didn't speak. He didn't move. He was poised to strike when-
"I AM THE MANLIEST!"
And with that "manly" outburst, Luhan sprinted away with the speed of a drag car and he disappeared around the corner without another word. Yifan could do nothing but facepalm.
He stands.
Perched like a tiger ready to attack when-
The bagel from the display disappeared. The shocked Joohee simply stared at the empty tissue paper in disbelief, her outstretched hand twitching. Her bagel. Her breakfast. It was gone. Stolen.
It didn't take long for her to digest the facts. Such as the -eating grin plastered on Luhan's face as he checked out with the groggy cashier. Then she saw it being dropped into the printed paper bag. Her bagel. And then Luhan smiled as he took the bag, but he didn't move out of the line.
Nope.
The cashier's stomach growled loudly in perfect unison with Joohee's.
With a devious smirk, the deer withdrew the bagel from the bag oh so slowly, inspecting the piece of food before raising it to his mouth and taking a bite. Joohee felt the color drain from her face. Luhan simply chewed slowly,
slowly,
s l o w l y ,
before stopping abruptly. Joohee considered her choices. Snatching it now would work. The ninja deer's defenses were down. She could just reach over and gently pluck it from-
"I AM THE MANLIEST!"
And he sped out of the cafe, leaving an echoing trail of evil giggles. Joohee and the cashier shared a desperate look before they both pulled an awe-striking feat. Their lower lip curled under as their mouth slanted to the side, their eyes closed, their brow creased, and a visible bead of sweat rolled down their forehead.
"Damn deer."
Now some people prepare themselves for the attacks. They are slightly more intelligent. Slightly.
It was foolproof. Joonmyun could only smirk as he tugged Jongdae along behind him, metal clinking whenever their wrists hit each other. Anyone who happened to see them would probably mutter under their breath 'damn. es are .', being that they were handcuffed together and all. But in truth, they were simply protecting themselves from the oncoming attack that would no doubt, be happening anytime soon-
"Oh, JONGDAAAAAAAAE!" and that's when Joonmyun leapt into a defensive position, poor Jongdae shoved onto the ground and the older spreading his arms out in attempts to shield the younger from any assault. His sharp eyes scanned the hall for any dangers. Soon, a streak of blonde aiming straight for them warned them of Luhan's entrance. With careful movements, Joonmyun believed he could just evade the deer's attack if he just timed it perfectly-
"JONGDAE SWEETIE!"
Too late.
The wild-eyed, feral deer leapt through Joonmyun's defense with ease, body crashing into the cowering Jongdae in a way that resulted in the two of them hitting the floor. Joonmyun gasped, realizing he had been defeated by his worst enemy. The Chinese ninja deer. He chuckled darkly as he raked his eyes over the wildly flailing Jongdae, tongue sticking out as his eye twitched, grabby hands itching to feel up the poor Korean.
Just like that, his fingers each gripped the small nubs under Jongdae's shirt, tweaking them in a way that made the victim release a very unmanly squeal. But Luhan had already climbed off him just as Joonmyun looked ready to attack, speeding away whilst screaming;
"I AM THE MANLIEST!"
Jongdae's whines were drowned out by a forlorn yell that echoed through the wide hall, the sheer sound nearly blowing out his eardrums as he gave Joonmyun a pointed glare. Said elder was in hysterics, on his hands and knees as he sobbed in an ugly fashion, tears and snot dribbling down his face.
"GODDAMN DEER!"
He raised his hand to correct Heechul, quipping a lengthy explanation of why Romeo and Juliet actually doesn't have anything to do with the teacher's idea. He drank milk right in front of the lactose intolerant Joonmyun. He corrected the dance teacher's steps. He kissed Yongguk right in front of Joohee. He wrote and performed a rap that nearly made Junhong cry from his utter defeat. He sang the LotR theme song less than ten feet away from Jongin. He stole Chanyeol and Choa's pot before smoking it right in front of them. He wrote a gay o as he sat next to Jinri but denied her the privilege of reading it.
Strolling into the library, it seemed the devious Luhan had no plans. His movements were lax, doe eyes calm and face full of innocence. But even the librarian could tell something was up. Xi Luhan was never a tame deer. Her eyes glued themselves to the blonde's back as he walked through the aisles, her figure eventually just tracking him like a jaguar stalking its prey.
Leaping through the air like a frog, she skid to a halt when Luhan seemed to be with another person. She identified the newcomer as Oh Sehun, who was simply reading some astrology books at his table.
"Hey Sehun."
No response.
"Hey.
Silence.
"Hey Sehun."
Nothing.
"Hey hey hey Sehun you aren't ignoring me are you hey Sehun SEHUN MISTER I AM SPEAKING TO YOU BOY YOU IS NOT GIVING ME ATTITUDE ARE YOU HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUUH-"
"Shut the up, Luhan." Sehun snapped, throwing one of his books at the deer's face. But his attack was evaded without breaking a sweat, Luhan swooping in to snatch the notes from Sehun's grasp before promptly scampering away.
"I AM THE MANLIEST!"
The librarian gasped. Luhan had just stolen that poor Sehun kid's homework! She frowned, pushing up her glasses before approaching the shell-shocked boy with balled fists.
"Mister Oh?" her voice caught his attention.
"Oh. Hey, Taeyeon-sshi." he feigned a smile, eye visibly twitching from his overwhelming rage directed at the rogue deer. "What's wrong?"
"THAT ING DEER."
"Yeah, he's a douche, isn't he? is gonna get it while he's sleeping." Sehun growled in response, cracking his knuckles threateningly with his eyes stuck on the visible trail of destruction that Luhan left in his wake. Then the timer inside his head dinged, and a bright light blinked on. Taeyeon gave him a weird look, eyebrow retreating into her hairline as she looked him up and down.
"The was that ringing sound?" Sehun gave her a wide grin that just creeped her out, his eyes wild with joy.
"My idea timer. Got it at a convenience store a few years back. Awesome, right?" Taeyeon nodded in awe. "So. We gonna get that stupid deer."
"But how?"
"It's open season, noona. Deer shouldn't be flaunting their when the hunters are after them."
Even his deer senses couldn't sense the oncoming attack. Sehun snickered in joy upon realizing this fact, his impish giggles echoing through the vent as he peeked through the slats at the unknowing ninja below.
"So how are we gonna beat the deer?" Taeyeon peered over Sehun's shoulder to look down at Luhan.
"Yeah how we gonn' beat dat assho'?" Junhong's loose Korean garbled with engrish was near-incoherent, but both of his companions managed to catch onto the majority of his words. Sehun cackled evilly before drawing a handful of pink items out of his coat.
" won't be so manly after this."
Luhan didn't notice at first. He didn't even catch onto the presence of the hot pink projectiles until flakes of pink fluttered down onto his nose. Blinking furiously, he shook his head to shrug off the sparkles only for more to fall into his eyes, scattering around him. He gasped in disbelief.
Pink.
Pink was raining from the ceiling. And it was aiming for him.
But before he could sprint off, more and more pink objects sailed down from the silver patch of vent on the ceiling, crashing down on him like an avalanche. They smothered him as if he was a bug getting squished by a shoe. Bows, ribbons, streamers, sparkles, and a weird sticky substance that reeked of medicine. He could only conclude it was Pepto-Bismol.
"AGHHH! WHAT IS THIS OMG OMGGGGG SOMEBODY HEEEEEEELP!" he squealed in a high-pitched tone, speeding away from the landing spot with his face in his hands. A trail of pink exploded in his tracks. His very unmanly screeches echoed throughout the school, and the trio behind the assault could only giggle and congratulate each other, causing any passerby to look up at the vent in fear.
" YEAH! GOT WHAT WAS COMING!" Taeyeon pumped her fist whilst flailing her short limbs around.
"I am a ing genius." Sehun could only smile with a condescending tone, crossing his arms and flipping his hair FABULOUSLY.
"Y'ALL DON'T HATE THE PLAYA. HATE THE GAME. UNLESS YO IN THE GAME WID BIG POPPA. THEREFO' YO IS ALREADY LOST. IT'S MY GAME, . I RUN THIS . SO IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE, GET THE OUT OR GET THE ON. ES BETTA STEP."
And Junhong's speech was followed up by a quadruple facepalm from both Taeyeon and Sehun.
Yet, as Luhan was walking home, he still ate breadcrumbs in front of the pigeons in order to remind the lesser creatures that he, Xi Luhan, is the manliest.
"I AM THE MANLIEST!"
And he scampered off, leaving the hungry pigeons looking distraught and depressed.
"..."
Loosely translates to GODDAMN DEER in pigeonese.
{{ an. }}
lol i made lulu such a little S H I T
BUT HE IS THE MANLIEST SO UGH
JUST TAKE IT
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