Title: 5/5

Interesting, short, and simplistic. It garners some interest, too.

Poster/Background/Appearance: 9/10

The quotes you have are a little hard to read. At first, I didn't even notice them, but really: the poster is amazing.

Description, Foreword: 8/10 

The excitement could not be fulfilled by voice alone. <--You need "a" before "voice".

They resorted to gifts, throwing what they had brought for them onto the stage. They hoped that their bias, or one of the members would pick it up and take it home, treasuring it forever. <--You should probably clarify the first "they" because of some readers (no, I won't dock you any points for this one).

Creativity/Plot Twisters: 17/20

The ending, I definitely wasn't expecting so I clap my hands in response to that, however, the story did fall into its cliché's with the dancing and having Jaejoong gain his memories back by getting hit again.

Flow/Detail: 8/10 

Fast paced, and I enjoyed the way you described the dance scene (even if you did skim a little bit). I docked you points because some of your misplaced commas ruin the flow of your story. Remember, commas represent a pause, and that pause can change the entire flow of your story. Commas set the mood.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/20

"We'll be back soon!" They called, <--the "t" in "they" needs to be lowercased.

"I don't know, but one thing's for sure. Unless we can get Jaejoong's memory back, we're pretty much doomed." Yoochun's expression was grim. <--Combine the two like: "I don't know, but one thing's for sure: unless we can get Jaejoong's memory back, we're pretty much doomed." Yoochun's expression was grim. You can, instead of using a colon, use a dash as well.

Mom never pities me now because I grew, even if I got hurt. <--You need to reword. Perhaps change "I grew" to "I've grown" to make it make more sense instead of rewording.

They must be evil, mastermind scientists that I always see on cartoons! <--take out the comma and "mastermind". Then, change "that I always see" to "like the ones".

That's why right now, they're discussing what they should do with me. Man, when Mom finds out, she'll throw a fit.' He snapped, proud of his own theory. <--Comma after "that's why". Instead of a period after "fit", change it to a comma. The "h" in "he" needs to be lowercased as well.

He jumped up and down excitedly shaking Yoochun's shoulder. <--comma before "excitedly."

"Lose his memory, or go back in time from where he was still a kid?" Yoochun asked. <--Instead of where, you need to change it to "when".

"Mhm!" They clapped each other's hands, "So that's it!" <--change your comma to a period.

"Yah! Yoochun-sshi, Junsu-sshi, is everything alright? The fans are starting to erupt into a wave of disorder!" He shouted. <--lowercase "h" in "he".

Ah, mianhe, Jaejoong's a bit tired and his head hurts because the clock had struck him right in the forehead. <--comma before "and".

…in your next schedules. <--Rephrase.

"Mhm!" Junsu grinned, "we're ready to go." <--change the comma after grinned into a period and capitalize the "w" in "we're".

Er, Hwang Jong Wook-sunbaenim, is it alright if we take a week of from our schedules? <--You need to use "off" instead of "of".

I know, it's probably an impossible request, and our schedule is packed since we'll need to fly over to Beijing soon, but is it too much to ask for, at least, 5 days? <--No comma before "I know".

During our last concert, a clock had struck Jaejoong in the head and we're pretty worried. <--comma before "and".

 Also, he seems to be a bit odd and he's not acting like himself <--comma before the "and".

How would he ever reject those hopeful faces? <--change would to "could."

"Fine," he started, "but, don't be too surprised if you guys are exhausted… <--take out the comma after "but".

Those boys he had taken custody of for the time being are impossible to reject sometimes. <--change "are" to "were".

Out of the two tasks they had decided to each do, he had been given the easier one. <--take out the "to" and replace it with for. Then, after each, place the word "to".

"Jaejoong! Jaejoong! What is the last thing you remember?" He asked, a clipboard in his arm, a pen tucked in his ear, sunglasses upon his face, and a pencil in his hand. <--the "h" in "he" needs to be lowercase.

"See, see, that was from our song, Empty. And by 'our,' i mean JYJ, which is Jaejoong, you, Yoochunnie, wide forehead evil scientist, and me, Junsu!" <--you forgot to capitalize the "I" when you said, "I mean…"

The almight Junsu will be here to support you. <--you forgot the "y" in almighty.

He had a lot of responsiblity, so he must make sure that Jaejoong understands everything that is being told. <--you misspelled responsibility. Secondly, changed "must" to "had to", "understands" to "understood", and "is" to "was".

The rest of the days will be to master them, and they'll get a lot easier and relaxing as you get better. <--relaxing? Use a different word.

He was surprised to see Junsu lifting Jaejoong up by the color, beet red. <--I think you mean collar, not color.

Characterization: 10/10 

Excellent characterization! Great job! You could easily distinguish all the characters (although there weren't many in the first place).

Writing Style: 9/10 

Great writing style, but do to some of the awkward wording (that I corrected), I docked you points. Otherwise you're set. Brilliant writing.

Extras: 5/5

I definitely enjoyed this. The ending made me go: What! It's over? It's over! No!

Overall: 73/100

General Comments: 

This was definitely interesting. Minus the basic, elementary mistakes, your story was very well written and I congratulate you for it. You know the basics of the English language (for the most part)! I think that calls for a happy dance! Your ending, although it  can be considered cliché to some, was still very clever. It makes your reader scream and pout--whine because it ended. You left your story with an ending that could easily have a sequel. Again: fantastic job. Thank you for taking the challenge and I can't wait to see more of your work when you request for another challenge in the future.