The concert is a Chinese one, and I don’t recognize any artists backstage. Backstage itself is a labyrinth of linoleum floors and waxy yellow light that makes everyone’s faces seem sunken and shiny (I wince at the effect on the makeup and hope the stage lights are kinder). By the time we reach EXO-M’s dressing room the opening act is being broadcast on a flatscreen in the corner, but luckily EXO-M isn’t due to perform until a good deal into the show.

“Change, change!” Ahri shrieks when we near-sprint into the room. “The managers are going to kill us!”

I rub at my cheekbones with my fingers, trying to relax my tired eyes without upsetting the delicate balance of mascara and eyeshadow on them. Jisoo tells me something about blue lighting and going easy on the foundation, so I nod twice and heave my bag onto the makeup counter, spilling its contents along the mirrors.

I’m picking through a bundle of brushes when Tao, who’s the first finished, takes a seat at Minji’s station next to me.

“Do you want anything to drink, Hyosoon?” Minhee asks as she passes by. “They have drinks in the hallway.”

“Get me some iced tea,” I say, ing several won notes into her hand. “Keep the change.”

…

Lay whispers something into Luhan’s ear as he sits down at Jisoo’s station and then Luhan’s laughing so hard that I can’t finish his left eye without fear of making him half-blind. Exasperated, I put one hand on each shoulder and look into his eyes with the most serious expression I can muster.

“Luhan-ah,” I say, “stop laughing.”

This only makes him laugh harder and I crack a grin at first, but when Kris gets up from Minji’s station, completely finished, I begin to get anxious.

“Okay, let’s go,” I say. “I need to finish your other eye.”

There’s no response and now I’m a little annoyed. “Luhan-ah.”

Finally he gasps out, “I’m sorry, but this is the reason I signed up for this whole idol thing. Getting done with one thing and then going straight off to another one, not having to worry about how I’m gonna get there. Cracking jokes in dressing rooms. It’s just hilarious that it’s taken this long to get here.”

…

Luhan eventually stops laughing and EXO-M is ushered on stage for their ten minute slot of airtime. I don’t bother watching the actual performance because it’s disconcerting how different the boys are on and off the stage, and besides I have all the words (in Chinese) memorized already.

I spend a long time thinking over that not having to worry about how I’m gonna get there, trying to reconcile it with my own needing so much to get away, but I don’t get far because soon EXO-M is back and waiting for the final stage two hours away.

“Did you enjoy our performance, Hyosoon noona?” Xiumin asks when they plop down onto some couches in the center of the room.

“Very much,” I reply, sliding into a dent created by Kris and Lay’s combined weight on the other side of the couch.

As I adjust my seat Luhan settles himself into the area between me and Lay and all of a sudden he’s so close that I can feel the heat from his sweaty skin and the slippery fabric of his pants against my thigh. Part of me is oblivious, but a bigger part of me wants to run away, fan myself furiously, and relate every detail of how his shoulder feels pressed against mine to Seulmi from hair, because Seulmi from hair seems as good a person as any to fangirl with.

Then I turn to glance over at him and he’s smiling at me and I’m gone.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I announce, standing up.

I splash water on my face and take deep breaths. It’s strange that I’m so happy when I’m trying to be so sad. Smiles, compliments, brushes of fingertips--it’s so easy to bring a smile to my face even though in the back of my mind I feel like I’m wasting borrowed time, like soon I’ll be left with water stains on the ceiling and soft pings coming from the heater. Watching those around me accelerate forward and upward, their success out of control, only makes me more anxious to become one of them and start my own success. The happiness I feel in everyday life, but everyday life’s constant reminders of my own inadequacy are always at odds, what I want to do and what I want. I think that maybe if only I would accept things at their face value, maybe I would get through life so much more easily, just do what comes my way and enjoy it.

While I’m drying my hands I realize they’re trembling, perhaps in anticipation. My life is dangling in front of me, presenting itself in casual invitations for coffee and shy smiles on youthful faces, waiting for me to take a hold of it.

I just don’t know what will happen when I actually do that.

…

When I get back my spot is still open, so I sit down and smile back at Luhan.

“Sorry I took so long,” I say. “Female trouble, you know.”

“Oh God!” Xiumin exclaims, rolling his face into a pillow.

“You’re messing up my makeup!” I yell at him. “Get your face out of there!”

He reluctantly separates his face from the pillow, but he’s smiling.

“You’re tough, noona,” Lay notes, leaning forward on the couch to look at me. “Now I know why Sehun is so afraid of you.”

“I’m scary?” I ask, indignant. “When have I ever given off such an impression?” “

You’re scary in a good way,” Chen assures me. “Just the right amount of scary and nice.”

I laugh. “Thank you?”

“You’re welcome!” Luhan chimes in.

There’s a small silence and Tao asks Lay something in Chinese. After a moment, he says, “Being scary is good because it means you’re real.”

Kris nods sagely at this and I am quite astounded at how that gets to me.

Suddenly one of the managers comes up with a camera and instructions to take some selcas for the group Weibo. There’s a lot of chatter as it’s passed around and everyone criticizes each other’s posing techniques and attempts at aegyo. It’s all very serious, I can see.

I take a group shot--everyone with a smile crowded around Kris wearing his most emotionless expression. They all laugh after the camera clicks and Luhan makes me take a selca with him. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t let a camera and an amateur hand anywhere near me, but today I don’t care so much about how my mascara is a little bit smudged or my foundation is a little uneven because I was in a rush this morning.

“The managers aren’t going to post that,” Kris warns.

Luhan smiles and, falling back onto the couch, says, “You never know. Right, noona?”

I shrug and lean back onto Luhan’s outstretched arm.

…

I watch the goodbye song and am surprised when I understand a whole line from the song. While the crowds begin to filter out of the stadium after the final verse, I look around for EXO’s supervisor, who’s come out to see the concert.

“Leesam-ssi!” I call when I spot his distinctive figure through the crowd. He turns and I fight my way through the press of reporters and artists.

“Hyosoon-ssi,” he greets, “it’s good to see you.”

“You as well,” I say, smiling. “I just have a question to ask you.”

“What is it?”

“Do you remember asking me a while ago if I was interested in taking on some extra hours?”

“Of course I remember. You’re one of the only ones I trust to take on some extra responsibility around here, and that’s something we need.”

“Well, I’ve decided where I want to get those extra hours.” I pause. “Myungdae-ssi was talking about needing a small team for EXO-M’s small media appearances.”

“You’d like to be the makeup artist for that team?”

“I would.”

“Then you will be. You’ll be traveling with EXO-M throughout Asia during their non-promotional periods, you understand, in addition to your regular promotion period duties.”

“I understand.”

"Then someone will contact you with the contract information. Thank you so much for your help."