The life of a Fan girl;
Follow me to my endless dreams.
The life of a Fan girl;
Carol’s P.O.V~
We were the best of friends, since birth, since forever. If only he, my first love, my true love, my neighbor didn’t leave me behind; like I was nothing to him. He left me in vein, with my heart in a million pieces; though no matter how much we grew apart, I will forever love him – love him in secret, a secret that shall forever be hidden. Choi Minhwan, Saranghae…
-
Like every other day I wake up, the daily routine was done. Chucking on a pair of faded skinny jeans and a plain simple tee, with a baggy bright blue jumper, to top off my look was a pair of bright red converse chucks. After that I was then off to the café I worked at; the café across from F&C music entertainment, though the café was small and the pay was little; the place where his career lies ahead, his future. Every time I looked ahead the pain deepens, the loss grows, while my heart slowly dies more each day. At times I don’t know why I bother, but then again I want to cheer him on, even if I’m forgotten, as long that his future is secured I’m happy.
-
Just as work finished, and it was time for my leave, for I am the last one in the store a mysterious fellow, guy to be correct entered the store. I didn’t know why but, late at this time nobody ever enters, mostly because he was well dressed in a disguise. I ignored that fact and decided to serve him, after that I can make my leave; for home, for my rest, to wait for my pain to forever leave me – alone. But today was different, today is my birthday, the day he left, the day I spend my celebration alone.
“Hello, how may I help you?” I asked with a fake smile, I couldn’t smile, a real smile; not ever since he left and that was over two years ago…
“Do you still have any cakes?” the fellow spoke shyly as he was looking down, I thought it was cute but it jut reminded me of him… his ways, his acts and his silliness, how I miss him. But I know I’m in his past, his forgotten memories. To him I am nothing, but it hurts to move on, it really does.
“We sure do, but there’s only strawberry and mud cake left…” I spoke, it was awkward. Not because of me serving a person, but at this time I would be at home, and today I’m meant to book my tickets to F.T. Island’s concert, the day I shall prepare myself to see him again and to cheer him on… “Oh really, I’ll take what’s left over!” He beamed, but when he did I was too late, I saw his face; his shades fell off. The actions were fast and there wasn’t anything that I could do, I had to act strong and forget everything, if not forever just for now; it would really do. For I can see him so close up today, it’s a gift from God I guess, a gift I shall forever cherish – deeply.
“Well, we have two of each left so I’ll get you those, why don’t you take a seat and wait for a minute.” I spoke calmly as possible, as soon that was said I wanted to die, I saw him, I spoke to him after all these years. But there wasn’t anything I could do, but be strong and live one – sadly.
As he paid for the four slices of cake and left, I packed and left. Leaving for home with a heavy heart, thought it is my birthday there wasn’t anything special about it to celebrate, if it’s done alone; it wasn’t that bad though but it does get lonely, sometimes to lonely.
-
I got home, and greeted by a dark house, it wasn’t my fault I lived alone, it wasn’t my parents fault for letting me; I begged them to move out, for them to not worry about me – too much. The night’s routine was done, but I also had to book my concert tickets. But before that was even possible my doorbell rang, I was lazy to open it, but I had too; for all I know it could be my parents visiting me – this late at night…
-
Minhwan’s P.O.V~
I went to the café today, I know it’s been long since we last seen each other, I wonder if she still remembers me. It wasn’t easy to track her down, her family was and thanks to that I was able to find her location. Straight after practice I had to rush out and get her something, but stores were closed and the café was still open – slightly.
Though I don’t know what she looks like anymore, I know that she lives alone, so if she’s home she would open the door; her face shall appear and her reaction shall be shown…
-
As I stood there, in front of her apartment, I was debating to ring the bell, to knock on the door; to even see her or not. After what seemed forever I decided to place my gift to her at the doorstep and run to a cover to watch. It was as if I was playing those nick knocking games, but with a person I’m just afraid to see, to know if she still remembers me.
If it wasn’t for my family lecture, I wouldn’t had ever remember how important we were to each other, how close we were, how much she gave up because of me and me alone. It really did hurt to know so, to hear so and maybe soon to see so. I was frightened, I was terrified to see her now, to think of it I don’t even know if I still have the guts to look at her; even if it’s just to see a glance, I am afraid; but it must be done, I did after all leave her behind…
-
I waited near the curve of the hall way, near her apartment door – waiting; waiting for her to open the door. It surprised me to see that the girl, my Carol was the one from the café. She didn’t look happy to open the door, not even when she saw a gift at her doorstep. I watched as she bent down to that a better look at the gift, I knew she could tell it was something from the café she worked at, it was basically noticeable, the box that wrapped the cake showed so. As she opened it her eyes were teary, she was crying, though from joy or sadness I didn’t know. But to hear her mumble I then knew I can make out her words, she remembers me, she made me feel guilty. Her words were like a thousand pieces of knifes stabbing my very heart, till it stopped beating, till it no longer looked like a heart, till it looked like dust; bloody, red and soggy dust…
-
Carol’s P.O.V~
As I open my door lazily I was pretty much pissed, seriously who would open their door this late at night? Once looking outside the door, there was nobody there, but a box, a box from my café. I then knew it was food, but from whom I didn’t even know. Bending down to take a better look at the box, it was the box he bought; it was the 4 slices of cake…
“You remember my birthday, but don’t you think it’s a little to late to send a gift? A gift to the person, your best friend that you left behind, no matter how much I watch you, how much I miss you or even support you; though you’re not that far, it feels like I don’t know you anymore. You look so happy with your band mates, with your cheering fans, every time I see you at your concerts I don’t know if you can spot me out, but I’m the one that always stands far back; in the shadows of people, in a corner – where no one can possibly see me. Why you may ask, simple, I don’t think you remember me and I shall help you not remember me.
I saw you today, you seem happy, that made me happy. I live a life of a fan girl, one that doesn’t want to harm you, one that you shall never remember, and one that shall secretly love you even if you’re no longer the Choi Minhwan I know. For I am just a fan girl to you, maybe even those scary ones, I don’t know and I don’t really mind as long, that I can see you happy, I’m happy. I hope you the best, I hope you find your special one, I hope you live well.” I spoke to myself, I knew no one could possibly hear me, which was simple; everyone here either comes home late or early, not at this time. I could feel my eyes getting watery but I didn’t care, I couldn’t even be bothered anymore, I let them fall. I stayed put of where I was crying, crying with sadness, the pain was too deep now, to deep for me to handle.
-
“You are everything to me, I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry I forgot you, I am so sorry for everything I’ve done to you; I beg you for your forgiveness. Stay by my side; stop the tears that are flowing. I hope that you keep your words, the words you spoke, the words for my happiness, for my life, for me to find my loved one. For her to stay by my side I hope you don’t leave me. I hope you forgive me and stay be my side; Carol, saranghae, I really do love you.”
I heard a voice spoke to me, as a figure moved towards me, though I didn’t look up I could tell who it was. I could bear it anymore, I had to leave, and I knew he was just cheering my up, his lying isn’t he?
I stood up and made my way in, I didn’t care if he was there, I didn’t want him to see me; but was I too slow, before I could even close the door on him, he pushed it open and hugged me. He hugged me tight, not wanting to let me go. “Carol-ah, please, I hope you don’t leave me, like I left you. Forgive me for what I’ve done to you, I hope we can be together, closer this time and more stronger, I don’t want to lose you again, like I did; I hope you understand what I’m saying. I really do love you, Carol, saranghae…” he mumbled into my ears, as he hugged me, I could feel his tears. I knew now that he meant well and so I returned his hug and buried myself into his warmth, as I cried my heart out, as I knew he shall not forget me once again.
“I hope you keep your words, saranghae…” I muttered back to him, as we stood there, hugging each other.
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