My angel
I love …
I love only you
But I have to say goodbye

I’m sorry

Your Minseok. Forever.

Lu Han crumbled the letter together in his hand like he always did.  The letter was old and handwritten. It even smelled old. He always had it with him – in his pocket or wallet. It would never be anywhere else but two meters away from him. That letter meant everything to him. It was his life, his life which Minseok took with him when he left this world to enter another.

Even though Lu Han treated the letter as ty as possible, he still loved it. It was the only memory he had left of Minseok. Not even a picture of him did he have. Minseok always refrained from getting his picture taken. He would avoid every kind of contact with a camera. Lu Han thought it was a waste of handsomeness, but Minseok couldn’t see himself as handsome. Minseok always only saw the bad points about himself. About everything. He never really tried to see the good points. The only good thing Minseok’s eyes saw was Lu Han. He was different compared to everything else in Minseok’s eyes. Lu Han was perfect; the way his cheeks got more visible when he smiled; his singing when he was in the shower; the cute sleeping noises he made when he was resting; the way a room lit up every time he entered one. Everything about Lu Han was perfect, if you asked Minseok. He was his savior, his angel. Minseok had told Lu Han all this.

That was reason enough for Lu Han to think that Minseok wouldn’t do something so recklessly as taking his own life. Lu Han did know Minseok was different than others. Minseok needed more caring. More love. And Lu Han thought he provided enough love for Minseok, because he felt like he couldn’t love him more than he already did. And he loved him a lot. He missed him whenever he was gone, even if it was just to get some milk from the convenience store. He loved him more than his own mother, the woman who gave him life. He really did love Minseok and was afraid that if he loved Minseok more than he already did, he would die. He didn’t want to die, because then he wouldn’t be able to spend his life with Minseok.

One day though, someone had knocked on the door to Lu Han and Minseok’s shared apartment. Lu Han was alone. Two police officers in their full attire were standing before him when he’d opened it. They looked professional. They even took their hats off their heads and asked if they could enter. Lu Han politely said ‘of course’ and a few seconds later he was a crying mess. The message sunk directly into his head. He didn’t try to deny it at first; he believed every word they said. Minseok, the only one he’d ever truly loved with his whole heart, had left him. He had left him behind and let him deal with the sorrow alone. When the message had sunk even deeper into his brain, he began to doubt it. He still cried and began yelling at the two police officers. They looked taken aback at first by Lu Han’s outburst of anger, but they quickly gained their cool façade again. They’d tried situations like these a lot of times before and it was never easy to deliver such a message. One of them came to comfort Lu Han by laying a hand softly on his shoulder, but Lu Han shoved the hand away and began to hit the police officer in his chest instead.

Time went by and Lu Han had almost got his everyday to work almost right. No one saw the pain he constantly was in and that just made him feel even worse. Every day was like hell. He would always constantly think of Minseok; from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep. Sometimes he even dreamt about him.

In the end Lu Han couldn’t take it any longer; the sorrow, the loneliness. Lu Han hadn’t thought of this as an opportunity at first, but one day – after a dream about his one and only – he decided what he was going to do with himself. He found the place, the place where Minseok had done it. The place made his heart feel weak. He felt weak. It was here. It was right here his loved one had been a few minutes before he took his own life. The last place he was alive. This place felt almost magical. Lu Han could feel Minseok’s presence in the air. He could feel the wind blow around him. He could hear the wind whisper his name.

Lu Han, my angel.

The whisper made Lu Han walk closer to the edge. He didn’t think; he only felt the warmth of Minseok’s embrace. He only thought about being reunited with Minseok. When he got all the way to the edge, he could feel the wind blowing even harder against him and the cold creeping over him. His heart though, was warm by the thought of Minseok.

He took the letter up from his pocket one last time and quickly read it for the at least 1000th time. His eyes became watery and he saw how a tear drenched some of the crumbled piece of paper. He crumbled it together again, put it in his pocket and let himself fall forward.

He could feel the wind go through his clothes and hit his skin as he flew through the air and quickly nearing the ground. His hair got out of his face and his face and his mouth felt dry. This was probably the best decision he’d made since Minseok left him.

My angel
I gave you wings,
But that doesn’t mean you’re able to fly.