(early August)

 

“Going off into a new city, a new country; that must be really exciting for you.”

 

I’m shook my head as I heard my best friend let out a dreamy sigh.

 

If there was one thing I knew I about her, it would be how optimistic she sounded about the whole thing—well, everything for that matter. Not that I’m pessimistic in anyway, but I hardly found my situation exciting at all. But knowing Stacey for the majority of my life and knowing how typically naïve she was, I wasn’t surprised to hear such a remark from her.

 

“Yeah, sure.” I heard myself reply, detached, which in turn seem to only annoy her.

 

“Oh! Don’t sound so nonchalant!” she squeaked, “You should be excited; you should be happy. You get to start all over again.”

 

Starting over.

 

Well wasn’t that a phrase I’ve been hearing far too much for the past couple of months? Hearing her say those words had only increased the indifference I had about the whole thing, and by ‘whole thing,’ I’m talking about the move I made to Korea with my mother.

 

“You’re so lucky.”

 

And apparently I’m lucky too.

 

“Lucky?”  I echoed into the phone, “In what way am I lucky?”

 

“Oh you know,” she said, coyly, “You get to be whomever you want. You can give yourself a total personality makeover and there won’t be anyone to tell you, ‘Who do you think you are Mari Shin?’”

 

“I never exactly thought of it that way,” I replied, because I hadn’t, not until Stacey brought it up anyway.

 

“What makes things more interesting is that you just graduated college,” she added, before giggling in excitement at her own statement.

 

I could only sigh again as I leaned against the wall near the airport’s restroom. “Sure Stace,” I replied.

 

I could hear her let out a sigh of her own, and knowing her, she was probably pouting too.

 

“You’re doing it again.” She pointed out.

 

I let out another breath, shifting uncomfortably against the wall, “Sorry,” I apologized. I didn’t mean to sound so unenthusiastic about the concept of ‘starting over’ but honestly, I just wasn’t as interested as my best friend. For the most part, I was pretty aloof; I mean, sure, I had recently graduated art school but I still had yet to find an employer who was willing to hire me.

 

“It’s okay,” she said. “I mean… I know things must be hard for you, especially since…Well you know what I mean, right?”

 

I swallowed hard, feeling my lips purse together and knowing fully well that Stacey was just trying to be a good best friend. “Yeah,” I said, “I know.”

 

“Look Mari, enough with the drama. I just want you to have good time in Korea. You worked hard for the past four years and you deserve it. I think this will be good for you.”

 

“You really think so?” For once, I sounded hopeful.

 

“I know so,” she assured me. “Just think of it as an adventure. You’re a twenty-year old woman, for god sakes! You’re an adult; you can do whatever you want now.”

 

Well she did have a point there; I was a woman and an adult. I wasn’t in high school or in college anymore.

 

“I guess…”

 

I heard her let out a breath, an indication that it was probably time for her to hang up. “I’ve gotta go. I promised my parents I would have lunch with them today,” she said. “Again Mari, just have fun, okay?”

 

“Okay,” I heard myself saying, sensing the thousand-mile difference between us.

 

“I’ll talk to you really soon,” she insisted, and I knew without a doubt she would be calling me again later, despite the time difference. “Bye!”

 

“Bye.”

 

After placing my iphone back into my bag, I crossed my arms, pressing my back further against the wall. Really, until now, I hadn’t thought that there was anything interesting about my decision to travel to Korea. Practical, maybe, but interesting? No. I’ve never thought of it that way.

 

Typically, once someone gets out of college, they’d expect to already have a job right in the palm of their hand. But it wasn’t like that for me.

 

Just recently I graduated the Art Institute of California with a Bachelor’s degree in Photography.Back in high school, I hadn’t really thought about the profession I wanted to do when I got older, but when someone asked me to take a picture during a pep rally, photography and I just clicked. Photography was my passion, and still is. However, up until four months ago, I had slowly found myself losing the spark of enthusiasm I had with my hobby, maybe because of the fact that my boyfriend of five years broke up with me.

 

I know, not the perfect excuse, right? But I was in love with him.

 

I always thought that we were mutually happy together, but I guess I was the only one thinking that way. After the break up, I found myself losing interest in everything, including photography. I was at a stump, a stand still, to the point where no matter how many companies or studios I walked into with that fake smile on my face and with my portfolio in hand, no one had any interest in hiring me.

 

And so for the past four months, I’ve been moping around my apartment jobless and at a dead end.

 

That was when my best friend and my parents had finally put their foot down. I mean, moving here, to Korea, was mainly because mom had persuaded me help her take care of my ailing grandmother, to which she was also quick to add, “And you haven’t been to Korea for twelve years.”

 

I tried to explain to her that those times, I couldn’t go was because of school and because I had already made plans that I couldn’t get out of, when my father had to step in and say, “Mari, I think this will be good for you, maybe you’ll find something in Korea that you couldn’t find here.”

 

It was to Korea that I now exiled myself— without much excitement, unlike Stacey.

 

I loved California. But since I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m at a dead end, I guess, maybe, Stacey was right about considering this move as some sort of an adventure.

 

Just maybe. I won’t make any promises.

 

My head turned as I saw my mom step out of the restroom. She looked a lot like me, except with short hair and wrinkles. I stared up at her, seeing the smile plastered on her face as she stepped closer to me, “Sorry dear, did you wait long?” she asked me, placing her handkerchief into her purse.

 

“No,” I said. “Why? Was there a long line?”

 

“Surprisingly. One of the ladies in there was telling me about how she was taking her daughter here to see some band return from a tour. Apparently, there are a lot of girls at the airport awaiting their arrival in order to welcome them.”

 

I made a face, wondering how anyone could spend the majority of their day waiting for some band.

 

Obviously, it seemed like they had nothing better to do with their lives.

 

But who was I to judge, right?

 

I handed my mom her luggage, taking my own and making my way toward the entrance of the airport. We passed by a group of girls who were talking and squealing animatedly amongst themselves about something I wasn’t particularly interested in.

 

“I think I see your cousin,” I heard my mom say before I saw a young girl, who appeared to be about eighteen years of age, waving at us.

 

“Mari! Aunt Lin!”

 

I waved, noting that within those twelve years, I had also failed to see my cousin. But that didn’t mean I didn’t know what she looked like; during the holidays my aunt would send us some Christmas cards and Lena, my cousin, and I would email one another sometimes.

 

However, seeing her now, seeing how grown up she looked, I was very much surprised. She wasn’t that big eyed, chubby, beaver toothed child anymore; she was a lovely young lady.

 

“Lena!” I called, walking over to her and enveloping her into a hug. “Oh my god, you look great.”

 

“Oh stop it, Unni,” she replied, obviously flattered. “You just haven’t visited me enough.”

 

She did have a point there.

 

I laughed, before ruffling her hair playfully as she helped my mother with her luggage and led us toward the airport parking structure. But before I began walking along with them, I couldn’t help but notice the group of girls from earlier make a quick dash to the landing gate that came from Japan; they were joined by more girls who were all blocked by security guards and some stanchions.

 

For a moment, I watched, with piqued interest, as the double doors opened, making the girls squeal and jump up and down in delight as they tried desperately to break their way through security. It must’ve been the band that lady was telling my mother in the bathroom. I wasn’t familiar with them and from where I was standing, I couldn’t see their faces, but I could make out the writing on a poster that one of those fangirls had made: ‘E. X. O’

 

“Mari- unni, are you coming?” Hearing my cousin’s voice I turned around, reaching forward to grab my suitcase.

 

“Yeah, I am.” I called out, shrugging indifferently, and I no longer gave such a silly name a second thought.

 

It was a two-hour drive from the airport to my Aunt’s house. The drive wasn’t as bothersome as I thought it would be; it was quite pleasant. However, I only found out now that my Aunt had moved recently— she now lived an hour away from Gangnam-gu. “Oh really?” I replied surprised, seeing as how my mother had failed even mention it. “That’s nice, do you like it?”

 

“I do, very much. It’s close to my school,” Lena piped up. I let out a low chuckle, shifting my gaze out the window, staring at the unrecognizable buildings that passed by.

 

“Oh yeah, you’re going off into a university soon, right?” I heard my mother ask Lena. “What are you going to be studying again?”

 

Through the rear view mirror I saw my cousin nod her head in agreement, a pleasant smile on her lips. “I’m studying to become a doctor.”

 

I felt my own lips tug upwards. A doctor? Well wasn’t that something? She seemed like she had her entire life planned out. Unlike myself, who hardly had any plans for the rest of this year.

 

“Well keep doing your best!” my mother chimed, before the rest of the car ride had fallen silent again.

 

After we got to my aunt’s house, I helped Lena take our luggage from the trunk as my mother stepped out the car to greet my aunt. I could only shake my head at her because I knew how much my mother had missed my aunt, to which my aunt had shared a mutual feeling.

 

“Come in, come in!” my aunt greeted, waving at us by the doorway. I waved back at her, closing the car door.

 

I walked past the front gates, smiling while my aunt had happily pulled me into one of her famous bear hugs. “Oh Mari, I heard that you just graduated from art school! Congratulations!” she said.

 

I flinched at her words. “Ah, thanks Aunt Min,” I swallowed, debating on whether or not I should tell my aunt that despite how I graduated, I had yet to find a job.

 

“Where is Omma?” My mother had asked, once my aunt was able get everyone inside.

 

Aunt Min turned her attention back to my mother, her once buoyant demeanor, becoming exasperated and slightly pensive, but not because she was sad, mainly because the mention of my grandmother had caused my aunt to shake her head in disappointment.

 

“She’s in this room,” she replied, quietly, leading us to the first room on the right. I followed them inside, curiously poking my head from behind the door and seeing my grandmother sitting up on the bed with a book in hand.

 

The last time I saw my grandmother, to be honest, was roughly about two years ago when she came to visit us in California. I remembered how lively she looked then and the bright smile she gave me as she recited the stories of her time as a young woman, when she used was in a beauty contest in her town and had won. My grandmother was so bubbly and hare-brained that seeing her bed ridden… felt strange, even if the reason she was bed ridden was because she dislocated her hip.

 

“Omma,” I heard my mom say.

 

“Oh Lin!” My grandmother smiled, tearing her gaze away from her book to look up. “You’re here.” Then, I saw her peek over my mom’s shoulder to gaze at me, her eyes sparkling with this brightness and the smile on her face growing further. “Mari! You too?”

 

And all I could do was nod and give her a small wave. “Yes halmeoni, I’m here.”

 

She looked so happy. “I’m glad. You’ve become quite beautiful since the last time I saw you.”

 

I blushed, laughing at her words, when my mother interrupted us. “Omma how, was your operation?”

 

Classic of my mom, very straight to the point.

 

My grandmother let out a sigh, rolling her eyes at my mother’s tone of voice. “Honestly, you sound like something serious happened, and I only dislocated my hip.”

 

And there it was, the humor I’ve missed for the past two years, the same kind of humor that I apparently share with her— well according to my mother anyway.

 

“Omma!” my mother pouted, “this is serious! It’s dangerous for you to be dancing around in the yard, especially at your age.”

 

I covered my mouth to keep myself from laughing any further. Was that the reason why my grandmother was bed ridden? Because she was dancing in the yard? I literally wanted to roll on the floor and laugh my off.

 

“Oh! I’m not that old. I’m only seventy-five. I’m still pretty young. I don’t understand you and your sister sometimes. At your age, I was dancing around the house every day.”

 

My mother let out the same exasperated sigh my aunt made, only this time, she rubbed her temples as she shook her head in disapproval at my grandmother’s stubbornness. At this point there was no use in arguing with her, simply because if my mother were to carry on this discussion, my grandmother would merely shrug it off and continue to doing as she pleased. That was the way she was really; she just enjoyed her freedom more. When my mother left the room, my grandmother motioned for me to sit next to her on the empty chair by her bed.

 

Obediently, I sat down, smoothing out the white peter pan blouse I was wearing under my pink cardigan. “You’re mother has told me that you’ve just graduated college,” she told me.

 

“Yes. Yes I have,” I replied.

 

“But she says you’re losing interest in photography…”

 

I swallowed hard again; there was no use in hiding this fact from my grandmother. She, of course, was the biggest supporter I had (besides my parents) when I was in college. She was so proud of me as I tried my best to reach for my goals, but now, how was I supposed to tell her that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore?

 

“Halmeoni, it’s not that… It’s not that I’m losing interest it’s just—” I paused for a moment, trying to come up with the right words to tell her.

 

But she shook her head, placing a warm hand on top of mine, the smile on her face never faltering, “It’s fine dear, I understand,” she says. “Sometimes, a person loses sight of what they truly want in life and after some searching they do usually end up finding what they’re looking for. I do believe you will find whatever that is, in time.”

 

There was a golf ball size lump in my throat that I tried hard to hold down, but hearing my grandmother say that, I feel like, in a way, I had failed her. “Halmeoni—“

 

“Do not fret Mari,” she shushed me, patting my hands reassuringly. “You’ll find it. You’ll find it in no time.”

 

I wiped away the tears that began to stray from eyes, as I gave her a warm smile of my own. She was so sure that I would overcome this dead end in my life that I was even starting to believe that maybe there was some hope after all.

 

I let out a little laugh before she looked at me again with that same brightness in her eyes. “Mari I also found you an interview for a job,” she replies, with that same noticeable enthusiasm that Stacey had over the phone. “I mean, since you’ll be staying here for a while.”

 

I quirked an eyebrow up at her and pursed my lips together. “Halmeoni, you didn’t have to do that, I could’ve found a job on my own.”

 

She waved her hand, indicating that I didn’t need to worry about it. “Look dear, I just want to help my granddaughter as best I can,” she insists. “I would have done the exact same thing for Lena. Now, just take this offer. If you don’t take it, I’ll be upset.”

 

I opened my mouth to say something, but I decided against it, knowing fully well that she was serious about being upset if things didn’t go her way. So with a heavy sigh, I noded, taking full responsibility of the interview my grandmother had probably worked hard to get me.

 

“When and where is this interview going to be?” I asked.

 

“Well,” she started, “the interview is going to be this Thursday, somewhere in Kangnam-gu. I think you’re familiar with the place. All of the teenagers these days simply adore celebrities from that company.”

 

My eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. Celebrities? Exactly, what kind of job did my grandmother get me?

 

“I’m sorry, what’s the name of this company again, halmeoni?”

 

“It starts with an ‘S’…” She thought for a moment, clicking her tongue against the roof of . He eyes widened when she finally recalled the name. “S.M. Entertainment. That’s it.”