Stepping outside for the first time in hours, and in his home country, sent a crashing wave of relief through his body; had it really been two years? It felt more like four. This same airport he’d departed from, it felt different even though he was sure in the time he’d been away nothing had changed.

Jinyoung couldn’t stop the light smile from gracing his fair features. He wouldn’t deny how much he had missed Seoul, even if he was about an hour’s time from where he lived. There was this sense of belonging he felt, a sense of welcoming. In the many foreign countries he had visited in those strenuous two years, every time he’d stepped outside; he felt anxious. Unknowing as to what this new place would bring him, what kind of memories would weave themselves into his head.

None of them had been foul, or unwanted. Everywhere he found himself, the people were kind. The memories wouldn’t be leaving him anytime soon, he would make sure to treasure them for as long as he could. This experience was one he could say he enjoyed. Not many people got to travel the world within the span of two years.

But he hadn’t had much time to himself, mostly being led around by managers like a dog on a leash. The sights, the vivid images of each country, the languages, and the culture made it all worthwhile.

There had been only ten other individuals on the journey with him, having never met any prior. They all had been fairly level headed people, all with incredible talent. He almost found himself jealous. Having the chance to share rooms with most of them, excluding the females, they were friendly and welcoming. Not having grown extremely close, he doubted he’d contact any of them again; but that was alright.

While the opportunity had budded mostly over breaks in their schedules or on their way back to hotels, he’d been able hear their life stories as they did his. All astonished of how he was engaged, able to be away two whole years without driving himself crazy.

It had been difficult.

Not even that, it had been agonizing.

Being away from Sandeul for so long was the hardest thing he’s ever done in his entire life, without question. All of his thoughts had been about him, no matter where he was or what he was doing.

When he had been eating out with the managers and other participates.

Sandeul would have loved this place, the food is amazing.

Playing his guitar and singing on breaks.

I wish Sandeul was here, I miss singing to him.

When getting ready to leave the hotel room in the mornings.

I wonder what Sandeul is doing right now, does he ever think about me?

Whenever he was able to will himself to fall asleep.

It’s probably morning at home right now, I wonder if Sandeul is up.

While browsing shops and markets whenever management allowed them.

Sandeul would love something like this; I wish I could buy it for him.

To say the least, his mind had tortured him the entire time. It was almost to the point of being unbearable. Everything he did somehow reminded him of the clumsy duck he’d fallen in love with those five years ago.

Now that he was finally back home, the only thing he could think about was seeing him. Being able to wrap his arms around him and promise to never leave, he knew there was no way he’d be able to handle this a second time.

Besides being drained from the plane ride from Japan and the overall trip, he kept himself together with the idea of seeing Sandeul for the first time in two years.

To see that adorable face splayed out with a smile, it never failed to help pull him through the long days. To remind him that as hard as things felt, and as staggering as the days got, Sandeul was at home cheering him on.

To run a hand through his soft brunette, unless he’d dyed it, hair. He loved whenever Sandeul was zoning out watching T.V or when they were sharing the bathroom in the morning trying to get ready. Giving him the perfect opportunity to pull his fringe back, stealing a kiss to his forehead. Always watching as he heated up with embarrassment, trying but failing to push him away.

To hold his hand, intertwining their fingers as the warmth from the other traveled all the way up his arm. Then swinging their locked hands over dramatically down the street which he’d learned Sandeul enjoyed doing, and never denied him of it.

To be able to hug him, feeling like his heart would explode from wrapping his arms around him and holding him like nothing else mattered. Knowing Sandeul was most likely blushing since he did so much, and Jinyoung being unable to wipe the smile from his face at the idea. Even after all this time, he could never forget what it felt like to embrace him; how warm and comfortable each hug always was, he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

To kiss him, tipping his chin up lightly with his thumb to press his lips gently to the others. The contentment and pure happiness he always felt overshadowing anything else unpleasant his mind dare try to bring up. His heart beating faster every second longer the kiss lasted. Even if it was a simple kiss or a feverish battle of tongues and hands pulling violently at clothes, the bliss he felt was unmatched.

Even the simple things he missed, waking up next to him, cooking their meals together, Sandeul announcing how bored he was, leading them to wander around Seoul. Anything to do with the clumsy duck, even if it were small like walking home, brought him enormous joy.

No one made him happier than Sandeul. His always cheery, joking attitude never failed to brighten his day. If he could, he’d keep him all to himself and never let anyone else see him.

Sighing with contentment and a light grin, he adjusted the guitar strap on his back than glanced back to make sure his suitcase was still next to him. After saying goodbye to the managers and others at the gate, he was told after a month of getting back into his normal life, they would contact him for an interview. Apparently other agents wanted to see his talent before signing him, but they had guaranteed with looks of gratefulness, he would for sure be signed.

Jinyoung barely knew how to respond to the news, feeling unbearably happy; it was hard to keep it all inside. He couldn’t wait to get back to his apartment and tell Sandeul about all that happened.

His dreams were finally coming true. If he hadn’t gone on this trip, they might not have considered him as highly as they do now. He was also relieved to hear he got a whole month off of being pestered to spend with Sandeul.

Grabbing his suitcase, he rolled it towards the edge of the curb. Managing to flag down a taxi within a few seconds, he placed his guitar into the backseat first before sliding in, pulling his suitcase with him. After telling the driver his address and shutting the door, the drive started.

Jinyoung watched as they drove through the many other taxis and cars, dropping off and picking up others. He was glad to be leaving, by this point being sick of seeing airports. As much as he had enjoyed traveling, he didn’t plan to anytime soon.

Five minutes passed and they were finally out of the parking garage and on the street. The singer reached into his pocket to pull out his cellphone, waiting a minute before it , he debated on calling his fiancé or scaring him with his unannounced arrival.

As much fun as it would be to see Sandeul’s face when he randomly showed up, he thought it better to call. After all, he didn’t want to send him into shock.

Finding the contact in his phone, he pressed it and waited for the phone to begin dialing. He’d waited two years to be able to call him, even the thought of hearing his voice sent his heart beating faster. A twitch of a smile still over his lips, knowing his lover he’d probably start crying into the phone. He was always such a kid.

Bringing the phone to his ear, he waited a second before hearing something he didn’t think he would.

“This number has been disconnected. Please che—”

Hanging up before even hearing the full automated message, the smile that had once been on his face turning into a façade of urgency, why was the number disconnected?

Had he accidently put in the wrong number on the contact?

Checking it quickly, he saw that the number was indeed correct, then why?

Trying again, he dialed the number. Manually this time, holding it up to his ear he only needed to wait a second—

“This number has been discon—”

He attempted again.

“This number has—”

Brining his phone back in front of him, he stared at the number. He knew without a doubt that was Sandeul’s number. Then why was it not putting the call through? Was the number seriously disconnected? Had he broken his phone and gotten a new one? Had he changed the number without thinking about it?

This is what Jinyoung decided to believe before fretting about it anymore. He’d wanted to warn the duck of his arrival, but apparently he was too lazy to text him his new number. Though he had been out of the country, as soon as he reentered, he would have gotten the text.

Even if he’d tried to resolve it with his fiancé being a klutz, he still felt unsure. It had been two years after all, something could have happened. As much as it worried the singer to think about, it was a possibility.

Placing his phone back into his pocket; not wanting to look at it any longer, he faced his attention back out the window. Watching as the scenery passed him by, he tried to keep it off his mind. Figuring he would just ask Sandeul about it when he got home.

It was late in the afternoon, but he was sure he’d be there, unless he’d decided to go out and do something. He was never good at sitting still anyways, and the weather was clear of any rain.

Something didn’t feel right about this, but he tried not to press the matter inside his already frenzied mind.

Unlocking the apartment and walking inside, something still didn’t feel right.

In fact, the feeling got twenty times worse. His stomach began stirring with nerves. Having to flip the lights on meant that no one was home. Which wasn’t completely out of the ordinary, but he was sure that Sandeul would have been home.

“Hello?” Jinyoung called into the apartment, his voice seeming to echo. Not making his anxiousness cease.

Shutting the door behind him, he placed his guitar and suitcase off to the side. After removing his shoes, he walked through the apartment, the floor boards creaking unnecessarily. Was he asleep? Could that have been why he didn’t hear him?

Passing the couch, he noticed the DVD case he’d sent him almost a year ago sitting on the coffee table. He tried to smile thinking that he’d seen it, but until he actually saw the brunette; his uneasy worries wouldn’t decrease.

Walking into the bedroom, the door had been wide open. He took a quick glance to the bed, the sheets tossed around and messy. They looked unreasonably flat, like they hadn’t been touched in days.

His stomach knotted up tighter.

His eyes fell upon their closet, it was then he saw Sandeul’s entire side completely empty.

Jinyoung stood motionless for what felt like five minutes. His mind trying to process what this could mean, but not believing anything that tried to come into his head.

Moving out of the bedroom, his motions felt robotic. There were hundreds of questions burning through his brain but he had no idea what to think. Why was his closet empty? Where was Sandeul? Had he gone somewhere? He didn’t know  how to react.

His feet took him into the kitchen. Glancing to the fridge in hopes of some kind of note, there was nothing. The only reminisce was a blank paper, a hurriedly torn out one before that. He could tell by how the rip marks over the holder were messy.

Turning, he faced the counter. That was when he saw it, a note and a silver ring.

That was also when his heart dropped into his stomach.

Racing towards the piece of paper, he read through it rapidly. His entire body heating up, he felt almost physically sick.

                                Jinyoung,

                                I don’t know when you’re ever going to read this, or if you ever do. But I’ve had enough. I can’t take this waiting; I can’t take not knowing when you’ll come home or if you even decide to. This was a stupid idea; to think we could actually last this long was a joke.

                                We’re both idiots.

                                So I’ve decide to move on, you should too. There’s no point in trying to dig up pointless memories, they’re all painful now.

                                Don’t even try to contact me; I made sure you wouldn’t be able to.

                                I’m not going to apologize, even if I keep thinking about it. This is it, Jinyoung.

                                It’s over, we’re over.

                -Junghwan.

By the time he finished the last words on the paper; his heart had shriveled up and died inside him. There was no possible explanation for the amount of betrayal, pain, and sorrow that coursed through his body in a matter of seconds.

He was breaking, his entire being falling apart from the inside out. His mind shut off any logical thoughts, tears rolled down his face messily, unable for him to stop or control them. His hand reached out for the ring, holding it between his fingers for a split second before his knees wobbled.

In a yell of crushing anguish did he fall to the floor, clutching at his chest with the ring where his heart felt like it was supposed to be.

Sandeul had left him. He’d seriously left him.

By the date on the note, he’d written it almost six months ago.

Sandeul had left him for six months and he hadn’t even realized it.

He could already feel himself going through denial as he leaned back against the counter, head looking up to try and stop the tears while he squeezed his eyes shut.

This wasn’t real, he was having a nightmare. As soon as he opened his eyes, he’d see Sandeul standing over him, teasing him about crying.

Please wake up. Please.

He wasn’t in reality. The love of his life hadn’t left him; it was all a dream. A very horrible dream and he would wake up from it. That was the only explanation. Jinyoung wouldn’t believe this was happening; maybe he’d fallen asleep on the ride back home.

Keeping his eyes shut for a moment longer, he waited until his breathing had calmed.

As soon as he opened his eyes, nothing had changed. Looking down to his hand, the ring was still there. His surroundings were the same, Sandeul was gone.

He was gone.

But the singer refused to believe it. He refused to accept this reality forced upon him. Sandeul had to be messing with him, just joking around. He wanted to make him feel bad for leaving, so he did this. None of this was real; he would walk through the door, laughing since he’d actually fallen for it.

That wasn’t the case. And he knew it.

His whole body was throbbing with pain, his mind refused to let what was happening dawn over him. He didn’t understand what was happening, why this was happening. Why would Sandeul leave him? After all of the years they’d dated. After all of the time they’d spent letting their relationship grow like a beautiful rose, showering it with love and support.

Had it wilted away? Slowly faded into the background, crushed into the pavement? Was this their love now? Was it dead?

Did Sandeul not love him anymore?

This one thought caused him to release the ring, clattering to the floor next to him as a violent tremor forced its way up from his stomach. Pressing the pads of his fingers to the side of his forehead, the tears flowed so endlessly. He couldn’t make out his feet in front of him. Everything was blurry, his vision dying. It was like someone had taken his light away, leaving him alone in a dark, cold room. Everywhere he looked was darkness, nothing, no hope, and no reason to find a way out. His head was spiraling, reeling from his thoughts spinning tirelessly in his head.

“W—Why…” he found himself muttering, his voice shaken. Almost completely unrecognizable to himself, his air of confidence had vanished. Everything about him had been torn away. All that was left was a quivering shell of a person, barely hanging onto reality.

His brows were creased, chest rising and falling dramatically. He couldn’t count how many times he’d almost choked on the air he was trying to remember to breathe. It was like he’d forgotten how to do such a natural thing.

That was why his number was disconnected. Why his side of the closet was empty. Why he’d left his ring behind. Because he didn’t love him anymore, he was tired of waiting for him.

He didn’t love him.

The thought repeated itself in his mind, like it was the only thing he knew.

Jinyoung brought his knees up to his chest, crossing his arms over them. “He doesn’t love me…” the words tumbled past his trembling lips. His eyes immediately closing shut as he felt another sob grip him. Forcing his head down onto his arms, he cried. Cried so hard that his lungs strained for more oxygen, that his whole body shook aggressively, that he could no longer feel like any of this was real.   

What made this wound him even deeper was that he knew it was his fault. If he hadn’t left for that trip, if he would have stayed home, none of this would be happening.

All of it was his fault. At this point, apologizing wouldn’t even do anything.

He wanted him back, he wanted to hold him and never let go.

The ring had been a symbol, of how much they loved each other. Even though Sandeul had given his back, all of Jinyoung’s love was with him. Everything that made him who he was, his soul, and his heart, it all had been snatched away.

There was no way Jinyoung would let him get away with that.

Finding the strength to stand, he searched the floor for the ring he’d dropped. Spotting it near one of the kitchen chairs, he picked it up to place in his pocket. With his mind now set with determination, he left the apartment. Not caring if he looked like hell, it barely mattered.

No matter what Sandeul had said in his letter, he would find him. He wasn’t going to give everything they’d had up like it meant nothing.

To him, it meant everything.

If he didn’t have him in his life, then his world would be a dull, desolate place; void of emotion or motivation to continue on. Jinyoung loved him more than anything; he loved him so much he’d give up his dreams, his possible future if it meant being able have Sandeul.

He’d do whatever it takes to find him. He wasn’t going to lie down and let him walk away with his heart. If it came to it, he’d search all of Seoul.

Jinyoung wiped at his nose while entering the elevator, once inside, pressed the number six button harshly and waited for the doors to close. Stepping away from the buttons, he glanced at the metallic material of the wall. All he could think about was how many times Sandeul and he had been in this elevator. Whether they had been talking casually, teasing one another, bickering over who made dinner or who got the T.V remote that night; all of the memories were flooding into his mind.

Jinyoung bit his lip to prevent from letting anymore tears fall, even as the most intimate occurrences showed their face. All of the times they’d returned from late night outings or dates, when the singer couldn’t keep to himself. Flashes of feverish kisses, groping hands, and hazy thoughts rolled through him; causing him to nearly hit his head against the wall to make them stop.

Thankfully the elevator chimed, the doors slowly opening but Jinyoung made his way past them as soon as he could fit. Rushing down the hall, he glanced at each number on the doors until reaching the correct one. He hoped they were home or he’d have no idea where to start.

Knocking loudly three times, he waited rather impatiently. Finding himself crossing his arms as the seconds passed.

He heard voices that were loud enough to manage to his ears, but they were muffled. At least he knew they were home. When it all but went silent after that and for almost a minute, he banged on the door once again; this time with a bit more aggression.

“Chanshik, open this door. I know you two are home!” he snapped in a parental tone, feeling irritated that the younger was trying to evade him.

Mere seconds later the door was unlocked and flung open, suddenly finding arms wrapped around him; Jinyoung stiffened from surprise.

“You’re home!” The black haired boy shouted excitedly, nearly squeezing the life out of Jinyoung. “I missed you.”

As glad as he was to see Chanshik, that hadn’t been the reason he’d come here. Returning the hug briefly, once they separated he got a look at his appearance. The way his shirt was partially ed, his messy hair, and the irritated red marks on his neck made him eye the boy with disapproval.

Gongchan had enough nerve to flash a cheeky expression before grabbing the singer’s wrist, leading him inside. “Baro, its Jinyoung!” he called into the apartment. Not entirely sure from where, but there was an audible acknowledgement from the other.

Closing the door behind him and not even letting him take off his shoes, Chanshik brought him to one of two couches in the living room. Both a dark blue, but one was covered with pillows and blankets while the other was mostly barren spare for two pillows on either end.

Jinyoung chose to sit on the less littered one while the younger plopped down happily on the other, crossing his legs and smiling like the epitome of innocence. Jinyoung was beginning to think otherwise. It had been two years since he’d seen Gongchan; obviously he was still with Sunwoo. Their relationship clearly wasn’t as pure as he remembered. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this, but that wasn’t his upmost concern at the moment.

Staring at him closely, Chanshik’s face turned fretful. “Are you alright? Your eyes are red.”

Remembering exactly why he’d come here brought a rush of emotions over him once more. He tried his best to keep them in, not wanting to cry in front of the youth. “No, far from actually.” he didn’t feel the need to lie when the pain was written clearly over his face.

As disrespectful as it was to come over after such a long time and not talk about his travels, there was time for that later. He saw Gongchan’s face crease in worry, knowing full well he was about to get bombarded with questions, he spoke before he could. “When was the last time you saw Sandeul? Or spoke with him?”

Immediately raising an eyebrow, he relaxed back on the couch; momentarily taking his eyes off of the singer to stare absent mindedly towards the ceiling. “I think it was about six months ago…” he stated, still seeming in thought.

When there were footsteps heard down the hallway, Jinyoung faced his attention towards Sunwoo than back to Chanshik who had leaned his head back to see the other from an upside down perspective. Sunwoo being much more appropriately dressed than the younger, still the singer was slightly bothered by what he’d done to Chanshik’s neck

“Baro, have you talked with Sandeul recently?” the boy asked; his voice too sweet for such a simple question.

Sunwoo glanced to Gongchan than to Jinyoung. The two sharing a burning gaze before he continued on his way towards the kitchen. “You mean the annoying duck? No.” was his careless response, causing Jinyoung to glare at his retreating figure.

Chanshik brought his head forward, focusing his attention back to the singer who was returning the gaze before he noticed the way he’d been glaring.

“Why do you ask? I was sure as soon as you got home, I would have had to go downstairs to pry you guys apart with a crowbar.” He finished with a childish pout. “You always give Sandeul more attention than me!” Chanshik whined cutely, his pout turning more into a scowl.

As adorable as Chanshik could be, and as much as his cuteness normally warmed his heart, there was no effect. His face remained solemn. The only thing he could think about was Sandeul. Where was he? Was he alright? Had something happened to him? Sighing heavily to keep the tears back, he shifted his feet. “He isn’t home.” No matter what that note said, their apartment would always be his home and he was going to bring him back.

Chanshik was clearly surprised by this. “Really, I would of thought—”

“He left a note.” Jinyoung began before the younger could say anymore. “He broke up with me, six months ago.” The words didn’t sound right. They left a foreign feeling crawling over his tongue. Trying his best to still keep himself together, he took a deep shaky breath before speaking. “And I wanted to know if you had any idea where he could have gone.” His gaze went straight to his lap as soon as he felt tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. The way his voice sounded was an obvious sign of how hurt he truly was; his whole body was physically and emotionally exhausted. Crying again wouldn’t do anything. It wouldn’t bring Sandeul back; it would only make him feel even more miserable.

“Why didn’t you ask in the first place?! I was ready to talk about your trip and… I didn’t know….”he trailed off unsurely. Jinyoung could tell that the younger wasn’t sure what to do.

“Sorry.” he choked out, his barriers breaking down before he could stop them. Silent tears streaked down his cheeks, not even bothering to wipe them away. They dripped from his jaw to his lap, staining the fabric of his pants in small splotches.

Quietness surrounded them, making the situation feel even heavier. It was like all of the air in his lungs had been out, forcing him to intake a trembling breath that sounded as if he was suffocating.

He practically was. His world was crumbling, falling apart all around him and there was nothing he could do to hold it up. His foundations were rotting away too quickly for him to do anything. It was a pathetic feeling, and he hated having Chanshik sitting near him all while this was happening.

Eventually words were finally spoken to break the tension that had been building.

“It might be my fault…” with those words, Jinyoung forced his head up to gaze at Gongchan who was now avoiding his eyes. “When we last spoke, we talked about how I was surprised that you two were still together. I didn’t think he’d take everything I said seriously… but,” faltering, his Adam’s apple bobbed nervously. “I could tell he was acting different. I didn’t say anything because I figured why, but I told him how if I were in his situation, that I would have left Baro by now… and I feel like…”

Jinyoung could see where Chanshik was going with this, abruptly stopping him so he couldn’t go anywhere with it. “None of this is your fault. Don’t think that.” While Chanshik had been speaking, he’d taken the opportunity to rub at his eyes and nose with his sleeve. Biting his lip, he’d willed himself to stop crying after successfully making himself bleed.

When their eyes connected, he could see the other’s welling up. He felt a sinking feeling of guilt. “Channie…” standing up, he moved over to sit next to his friend. Wrapping his arms around him in a one sided hug. “Really, it’s not your fault. Sandeul decided to do this on his own, not from what you said.”

“But I feel like he left you because I reassured him…” his tone had grown somber. There was flickering emotions in Jinyoung’s mind, a mixture of guilt, deep sadness, and anger. With all of them attacking him at once, it made him feel nauseous. He didn’t understand why Chanshik would blame himself for this. No matter what he may have said, it wasn’t like he told Sandeul to do what he did. It had been the other’s choice, as much as it stabbed at his heart to think about, it was fact.

“You didn’t tell him to. It was probably something…” his words stalled as he let go of the black haired male.

It pained him to think about how much suffering the other had most likely gone through, and for two years. He couldn’t believe how blinded he’d been not to think about how it would affect him, how it would affect both of them. “On his mind a lot… and after you spoke with him, there must have been some kind of breaking point.” The words twisted in his ears, such unpleasant things making him cringe with the realization of reality.

This was his fault. He’d driven Sandeul away from neglecting him. There was no way he could blame him, or be angry. He was an idiot. He felt so ashamed that he’d thought they would be alright, that they would make it.

How wrong he was. His once lover had seen this much before himself and got out before any more pain could flow through him.

If only he knew where he was, if he could somehow redeem himself, he would do anything to have him back.

There was more silence. Most of it spent with Jinyoung mentally yelling at himself for how foolish he was, for how he didn’t even deserve another chance. If only he could have gone back in time, he never would have gone on the trip if he had known this was the outcome. He’d trade all of the possible fame, his dreams, his future as an artist; he’d trade it all to have the brunette.

Nothing could ever compare or replace him; he literally had taken his heart. If he didn’t have it, then what was the point of singing or anything he enjoyed? If his whole being wasn’t in it, what was the purpose?

“Have you spoken with Dongwoo yet? Maybe he’s heard from him.” Chanshik spoke up, his voice slightly horse.

“No, I haven’t.” he’d completely forgotten about him. Shin Dongwoo had been a close friend of both Sandeul and himself ever since grade school. There was a possibility that the brunette had contacted him, or what if he knew where he was? Standing brusquely, he glimpsed down at Chanshik before taking another step. “Do you mind if I—?”

He shook his head in response to the obvious question. “No, go ahead.” A small smile of reassurance crept over his lips. “Go find him, I can wait. But promise me as soon as you guys make up, you’ll tell me all about your trip!”

For the first time since he returned to his apartment, he smiled. “Thank you.” he said quickly, heading towards the door.

Just before he left, he noticed Sunwoo entering the living room from the corner of his eye. When he had the door open, he turned his head enough to see that the blonde had his arms wrapped around Chanshik from where he stood behind the couch. A flash of memories played through his head, but he pulled them from his mind. There was no sense in reminiscing over something he had a chance still to get back.

He left their apartment without another glance. As he started towards the elevator, he removed his cellphone from his pocket. Hastily he found the number and had it dialed.

Lifting the device to his ear, he only had to wait a few seconds before the other line picked up. Hearing his voice was strangely reliving.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Dongwoo.” he replied a little breathlessly from his brisk pace down the corridor.

“Jinyoung, it’s been awhile. How was the trip?” he asked casually as if nothing were wrong. Maybe he didn’t know where Sandeul was. That thought almost crushed him. He’d been so hopeful that Dongwoo would know something.

Entering the elevator, he pressed the button that would take him to his apartment level. “I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but I didn’t call to talk about that.” he felt rude, but he needed to know if he knew anything about where the brunette was.

He was clearly taken back by his abrupt response, most likely not expecting it. “Oh. Well, then what is it?”

“It’s about Sandeul.” Wanting to get right to the point, even if it physically hurt him to continue thinking about what had happened; he refused to sit at home and do nothing. “He’s gone, and I don’t know where he is.” Before he even realized it, his voice was turning frantic. His hand twitching and heartbeat accelerating, it was as If it all depended on what Dongwoo knew.

“Please tell me he’s contacted you recently. I can’t get a hold of him, his number was disconnected.” His hand began clutching the phone tightly as he waited for his reply.

“I—um, I don’t…”

“Please, Dongwoo. Please tell me you know something, anything. I can’t let him go.” Jinyoung didn’t care how desperate his voice sounded, he didn’t care what Dongwoo thought. All that mattered was his Sandeul, and where he was, if he was at least ok.

“I’ve… I’ve spoken to him.” Why did he sound so wary? He felt as though he was hiding something.

“Be more specific. I’m about to completely break down if you don’t tell me what’s happened to him.” The elevator doors slid open with ease; he found his way out of the contraption and back to his front door in a matter of seconds. Realizing he hadn’t locked it, but not caring, he walked inside.

There was a long stillness that Jinyoung about broke before the other finally replied.

“I’m sorry Jinyoung. I promised him.” His voice was resentful, but had lost the unwavering factor.

His words caused panic all throughout his body. “What do you mean?!” he nearly shouted. Whatever calm the singer used to have about himself had been completely destroyed by the recent events.

Clearly Dongwoo sensed his irritated, unstable state. With a sigh, his tone became much sterner. “I promised him I wouldn’t tell you where he is. I can’t just betray him.”

So he did know; he knew where he could find him. But Sandeul had made him promise not to tell, because he’d known that this might happen? Did he know how he would react to seeing the note and the ring left behind like they never meant anything to him? Was he that desperate to keep him away? Did he really not want anything to do with him anymore?

Was their love nothing? Had it ever been anything?

His heart clenched, it throbbed agonizingly in his chest like a thorn pierced through his skin. He refused to believe any of these things. There was no way they could be true.

“Please, I need to see him. I need to at least apologize to him.” Even if Sandeul really didn’t want to be with him, they couldn’t end it like this. Not with a note. He needed some sort of closure, even if he wouldn’t accept it. There was no way he could ever move on. The brunette was his everything. He’d become the reason for inspiring to become a singer, the reason he felt so positive, the meaning behind every song he sung. No one could replace that.

“I really can’t—”

“Dongwoo.” Placing a hand on the kitchen counter to steady himself and his voice, he spoke clearly into the phone. “I love him more than anything. I can’t move on, I need to see him. I need to see for myself that he’s ok. I need to find a way to fix what happened because I know I’m at fault. I caused this, and I regret it every second.” Closing his eyes, he bundled his hand nervously. “I’m not going to give up on everything we had. So please, tell me where he is.”

The silence that followed after his words were taunting him, causing him to bite his lip and squeeze his eyes shut even tighter.

He felt like his heart was beating in overdrive, nearly hearing it in his ears. The thumping so wild he could be having a heart attack and he wouldn’t even know it.

“Fine.”

His response caused him to sigh in relief, his whole body relaxing from the pent up tension it had been holding waiting for his answer.

“Do you have something to write down the address?” Jinyoung could easily tell that he was angry with himself for giving in.

“Yeah.” he responded before he actually did. Grabbing the nearest pencil he could find and ripping a piece of paper off the notepad on the fridge, he began scribbling down the address as Dongwoo said it. Repeating it back to him with assurance that it was correct, a new found confidence built up inside of him.

“Thank you. I owe you for this.” Dongwoo wasn’t one to break promises so easily; he was honestly surprised he’d given in.

“Don’t mess up again, alright? He’s my friend, you know. I don’t like seeing him hurt.”

“I won’t.”

After their goodbyes, he placed his phone back into his pocket. With his keys in hand, he left the apartment with perseverance.

He would get him back. No matter what he had to do, even if he had to beg; there was no way he could continue living on in an empty apartment. In a place that belonged to more than one person.

Jinyoung pulled to the curb in front of a fairly large apartment complex. It was structured much differently than the one’s he lived in. There were multiple buildings surrounding an office in the middle, each complex had a bottom apartment and a separate one on top. They looked brand new, like they had been built a year or so ago.

He wouldn’t know since he’d never been to this part of Seoul, in fact it was a near thirty minutes from his own. Give or take a few extra minutes where he’d had to pull over since he’d missed a few turns.

Putting his car in park, and cutting the engine; he found himself being unable to get out. His mind racing with thoughts on what he was going to say along with all the scenarios playing like a record in his head. There was a small part of him that was nervous, almost terrified that Sandeul would slam the door in his face and refuse to speak to him. He had to constantly remind himself that he wasn’t like that, even if their relationship was broken and there was difficulty between them, he would never do such a thing.

He removed his phone from his pocket momentarily to check the time, it was close to seven. Outside was already beginning to darken, but he knew that the other wouldn’t be asleep yet.

There was so much going through his mind, he wasn’t sure of a way to sort it all.

Instead, he tried to shove his thoughts away as he got out of his car. Remembering the number of the apartment Dongwoo had given him, he began striding down the pathway between buildings. Jinyoung glanced at each, admiring the pleasant decoration of flowers on some and others with tacky signs and statues. All of the buildings were white with grey outlying along the sides. Each door was pure black besides the doorknob, each having a tiny mail slot at knee height. The number of the apartment was written in gold metal letters across the front.

Passing a door to his right, he acknowledged the number being fifty two. He was looking for sixty five, and as he walked he’d noted the numbers were escalating. Continuing on this path would hopefully lead him to the right apartment.

From the outside, they looked nicer than the ones he lived in. How could Sandeul afford to live in one of these by himself? He knew he had some side jobs, but he never kept them for long and they never paid great.

A thought crossed his mind that made him stop mid step.

Was he living with someone else? Had he found someone?

He might as well have been punched in the stomach, the wind being knocked out of his lungs without giving him a chance to catch his breath. His mind racing with the idea, thinking about the possibility and likelihood, it terrified him to the core. Sandeul had said he was moving on, did that mean he had found someone else to live with?

Did he have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Did they live together?

Was he going to their apartment?

None of these things he’d even bothered to consider, and now he was even more on edge. Had Sandeul replaced him? If he knocked on his door, would he see someone else’s face?

The thoughts of someone else hugging him, touching him, kissing him, they did not register in his mind whatsoever. There was a bubbling jealousy and anger growing throughout his body, but he kept it hidden away. He couldn’t assume that this was true. The only way he’d find out was by seeing for himself, even if it scared him.

Counting past the doors and their numbers, eventually he reached the correct one.

Apartment sixty five was on the floor level, sixty six having stairs on the side of the building leading up to it. The front looked like every other except there were no flowers or any kind of decorations, it was completely ordinary; it didn’t feel right to him. Sandeul was anything but average.

Noticing how there was a dim light shining from the slim space between the curtains in the window next to the door, told him that the apartment was occupied.

Feeling suddenly anxious, he tried to take a slow deep breath to calm his nerves. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say or what he was going to do when he saw Sandeul. His first urge would be to hug him, but he knew that it would be inappropriate. He hoped that the other would at least give him a chance to speak, there were obvious signs that stated Sandeul had not wanted him here. But they couldn’t leave it this way, it couldn’t end like this.

Jinyoung wouldn’t allow it.

With a spark of confidence, he approached the door and raised his hand in front of the wood to knock three times. Once he lowered his hand to his side, he bit the inside of his lip unconsciously. He waited impatiently for the door to open with an unidentifiable expression. The thought of merely seeing Sandeul sent jolts of happiness through him, but he was afraid that the other wouldn’t be as happy to see him.

How would he react to seeing Jinyoung at his door? Would he be angry? He was always so cute when he threw the occasional tantrum, how he’d puff out his cheeks and furrow his brows together in anger.

But he had a feeling if he was angry; it wouldn’t be as playful and adorable as that.

His heart elicited heavy beats in his chest as the seconds passed. His whole body was warm and flushed from blood flowing much faster than normal. With his right hand he moved his fingers around nervously, sweat beginning to perspire in his palms. Taking a deep breath he attempted to keep himself composed, but it was proving difficult.

There were so many things that could go wrong, it frightened him.

When the door finally opened, his whole body froze. Even his heart felt like it had stopped beating in his chest, like time had all but halted.

Seeing him, after so long, the feeling was indescribable. He felt an overwhelming happiness throughout his entire body. All he wanted to do was take him in his arms, kiss him, and tell him how much he had missed him.

But he couldn’t do that.

This brought an immediate guilt and sorrow through his heart; he’d brought this upon them. But he was going to change that.

Their eyes connected for only five seconds before the realization of who was standing in front of him dawned upon the other’s face. And his expression formed a horribly hurt, almost disgusted appearance. It made his stomach sink to see it. That a face like that on such a beautiful person was directed towards him, that he had caused Sandeul to see him this way.

There was no excuse for how misguided he had been the past two years, how stupid he was. Now he was paying for it, and he knew that he deserved Sandeul to look at him that way. He deserved all of it.

When he spoke his first words, Jinyoung felt his heart flutter then sink. The sound of his voice was something he had missed so deeply, but the words he’d said were demanding and not in his usual happy tone.

“What are you doing here?”

Jinyoung didn’t break their eye contact, enjoying it but also wanting to ensure that he knew how serious his words were going to be. He wanted the brunette to see that he had realized his mistakes, to see how much he loved him despite all that had occurred in these few short hours.

“I can’t move on.” His words were filled with a strong confidence, even if inside he felt uneasy and weak. “Sandeul—”

“Don’t call me that.” The words stabbed Jinyoung like a knife. He was being so cold, unlike the Sandeul he knew. There was an air of irritation around him; his face was creased with obvious anger at the singer’s presence. Was this really him? Had Jinyoung made him this way? Had he made him a cold uncaring person?

Gripping the doorframe like about to shut it, Sandeul pressed his question again. “What are you doing here?” this time with more assertion, it would probably be the last time he’d ask.

“I told you, I can’t move on.” Jinyoung felt his confidence crack under the new personality of the one before him. He didn’t know what to say, if there was even anything correct to say at all. “Junghwan, I’m sorry…”Jinyoung’s words dripped with sincerity, his expression having turned into one of remorse.

“No you aren’t.” he accused, the air changing from irritation to agony. Jinyoung could see the hurt written on his face, it killed him to know he was the cause of it. “If you were sorry, you would have come back sooner. You would have come home…” his eyes dropped to the ground beneath them for a moment like he was thinking deeply about something. But when he looked up, all of the anger was gone. It was replaced by pain; it was all he saw when looking at him. Jinyoung felt his heart clench in his chest.

“And I waited for two years.” The singer could tell he was slipping; the irritation peeling off his skin to show the raw wounds that had never healed. The other was losing stability, the tone of his voice making it even more obvious. “For two years I’ve had to deal with this horrible pain you couldn’t even begin to understand.”

When he looked Jinyoung straight in the eyes with a look of pure indignant hurt, he felt like the worst person on the entire planet. “And you somehow find me after all the effort I put in to make sure you didn’t, you come to my apartment, and tell me you’re sorry.”

Jinyoung could only watch as the other broke before him, eyes turning watery and lower lips trembling. It was a sight that he’d never forget, and never forgive himself for.

“What did you expect to fix?” Sandeul’s voice was cracking as he tried but failed not to show how upset he was. “Us?” he gestured to both of them before laughing, but it was hallow and meaningless, only emphasizing their situation. “There’s nothing left, Jinyoung… just, go home.” Immediately he turned away, beginning to close the door.

“Sandeul, don’t.” he pleaded, placing a hand on the door to keep it from shutting anymore. “I won’t go back there without you. It’s not home unless you’re there.”

“I said don’t call me that!” he snapped in a heart wrenching manner, shoulder’s quivering shortly after. “I don’t live there anymore, I’ve moved on.” he had to wait a short moment before continuing. “You should do the same.”

“I’m not going to move on. Did you think I would forget about you, did you think I wouldn’t think about you every second I was away? You were all I could think about, you are all I can think about.” he started, wanting so badly to turn Sandeul to face him but instead continued on, even if he felt like breaking into sobs.

“I don’t know how many times I can say that I’m sorry until it’s enough…” his eyes trailed towards the ground for a split second. Feeling anguish over the situation he had created, he wouldn’t blame Sandeul for never forgiving him. His brown orbs fixated on the back of the other’s head once again. “But I will say it every day if I have to.”

Bundling one hand into a fist, he felt a wave of guilt crashing over him. “I know this is my fault, I did this to both of us.” he lowered his voice to a near whisper, the regret of his actions taking ahold of him once again. “I didn’t think about how you would feel or what could happen.” His eyes lit with a determined fire as he spoke his next words. “But there wasn’t a day that went by, I didn’t think about you. Even after a year I couldn’t get used to you not being with me. I wasn’t the same person; I knew it and everyone else I worked with could tell.”

“Stop…” the word was spoken so light Jinyoung almost didn’t hear it. But he couldn’t stop; he couldn’t let Sandeul walk away from him.

“I want you to know how important you are to me.” he stated with honesty. Finally giving into the urge, he reached out slowly; lightly touching the fabric of his thin coat that covered his torso. “You mean more to me than my singing, than my own dreams. I would throw everything away to be with you. I would do anything for you.” The words couldn’t be any truer. If it meant choosing between his future as a singer and Sandeul, the choice was obvious.

“If being a singer gets between us, then I won’t do it professionally.” Gripping onto Sandeul more tightly, as if he would fade away if he didn’t hang onto him, he did his best to push down tears. “I always figured that becoming a singer would be my future. That it was the only thing I’d ever want to do.”

From a young age he’d always knew that it was what he’d peruse no matter the difficulties. “But after I met you, I fell in love.” His heart warmed from the confession, but didn’t falter his words. “And I realized that, my future from that point on changed.” The moment he had realized he was in love, had been one of the most terrifying moments of his life. But he hadn’t faced away from the truth of what it meant. “I knew that singing wasn’t my future anymore. From that point on, I only wanted you to be my future.”

His hand relaxed on the other; cautiously he took a step forward. Sandeul had been oddly silent; he wasn’t sure how he was reacting to it all since his face was turned. Normally he’d have to fight to keep the other from talking; this stillness between them was unnerving.

“That’s why I can’t move on. I won’t accept this.” Letting his hand slip off of the jacket, it fell lifelessly to his side. The warmth he’d felt from the fabric lingering in his skin. “I love you, and there will never be anyone else. I’m sorry I drove us apart, I was stupid… but, please don’t end it like this.” Jinyoung pleaded with all his heart, all of his being.

There was quietness for the longest time, and the singer wasn’t sure what to make of it. He didn’t have the slightest clue as to what could be going through the others head. His mind was panicking that Sandeul would ignore him, that he would disregard all of the things he’d said. Everything was true, and they would never change.

When he swore at least two minutes had passed, he reached out his hand towards the other.

Before his hand connected with his shoulder, he took notice how his body had begun juddering. Jinyoung opened his mouth to speak, but a gasp of air coming from the one in front of him made the words disappear.

He was crying, and because of him.

It made him wonder how many times he’d caused this to happen, how many more times would it happen? He felt so useless; all he could do was stand with his mouth open and hand hovering near his shoulder. There was nothing he could think of to say.

Sandeul turned to face him. He avoided eye contact, but Jinyoung could clearly see how red they were. He could see the dry and fresh trails of water running down his flushed cheeks. The sight made him feel worse than dirt, knowing he was the reason, hurt all the more.

“Go home.” Sandeul muttered, still not looking at Jinyoung.

After all he’d said, after everything, he was telling him to go? “Not without you.” he replied quickly without another thought. He couldn’t go back, not unless they were together. There was no way he could face a night there alone. It killed him to even think about, and that Sandeul had gone through it for nearly two years amplified his feelings of hatred for himself.

He slowly shook his head, and the singer began to internally panic. There was no way this was happening, it couldn’t. His body ran on autopilot when grabbing Sandeul’s shoulders, causing him to jolt with surprise and finally connect their eyes.

Searching them for some kind of sign that he didn’t mean what he said, all he saw were barren dull pupils. No kind of remorse for his words, he was serious. So serious that it physically pained him to look into his eyes and not see joy like how they’d used to be.

His eyes prickled with tears as his heart thumped loudly in his chest. “Please, come home.” he begged. Pleading even with his eyes, he was tempted to get on his knees if it would change anything. Lifting a hand off his shoulder, he used it to caress Sandeul’s drying cheek tenderly. “You love me, right?”

The seconds ticked by and there was no response. All Sandeul had done was brush his hands off of him and take ahold of the door again.

The fact he said nothing, Jinyoung felt like this was a dream once again. A horrible nightmare he would wake up from if he closed his eyes and forced himself up. The amount of anxiety he could feel running throughout his body was to the point of insanity. He could feel every barrier inside his head breaking down, his world was tumbling and he couldn’t pick up the pieces fast enough. His whole body was sweating from nerves; suddenly everything was becoming much duller, much less hopeful.

“You love me, don’t you?” he asked again, his voice even more desperate than it had been. His whole life might as well been put at stake on this one question.

When there was still no reply, Jinyoung nearly broke down right there. He stood motionless, as if he’d forgotten how to move. Everything was turning colder, he felt like his soul had been ripped out of his body.

He soon found his legs able to walk again, taking him outside of the apartment. The door was immediately shut, and he was left staring at the mocking numbers.

For the longest time he stood in front of the door, unable to think clearly about what had transpired. He hadn’t wanted to believe it, but it was true. Sandeul had moved on, he didn’t love him anymore.

Everything was dead; they were the decaying petals of a once luscious rose.

There was nothing left, he felt numb all over. The pain was dull but he knew by the time he got home, it would be unbearable.

He wanted to yell, bang on the door and beg for Sandeul to take him back, but what would it do? There wasn’t anything left of them. Nothing but remains of precious memories he would forever keep close. The aches that were carving their way through his chest would never go away, because no matter what happened, he would always love only one person.

Leaning his head against the door, he let a few stray tears fall. He could feel his life diminishing by the second; everything was losing its luster. Nothing would ever be the same.

“Sandeul…” he whispered hoarsely, lifting his hand to touch the wood gingerly. “I’ll never love anyone else but you.”

Finding it eventually in him to bring himself away from the door, he shoved his hands into his pockets while walking away. There was nothing more he could say or do to change the outcome; this must have been the way it was destined to be.

Stopping momentarily, he pulled out the ring he’d placed in his pocket earlier. Holding it in his hand, he gave it a bitter sweet smile before putting it back into his pocket.

All he had now were memories, no matter how painful they were, he wouldn’t throw any away.

 So this is it. It was supposed to end happy... but yeah... that clearly didn't happen, and i'm still beating myself up over it.

I hope it was enjoyable! I am planning another chapter story for Jindeul and Bachan that will be much longer than this one (and happier maybe?), hopefully I'll have it up soon...

Anyways, thank you for reading! I appreciate it!