The next day he was alone in his bed when he woke up. Kangjun was gone. Rome looked at his phone  ‘’ 6:03am … I have to meet the boys … ! ‘’ He thought scratching his head. What happened yesterday was so random. Himself couldn’t believe it. Yes for the first time he saw Kangjun he likes him, but never ever he would have thought of them sleeping together.

‘’ What have we done ?’’.

 

Kangjun was already back to the dorm. He was taking a shower and couldn’t stop thinking of what he did yesterday. He always felt a certain attraction toward Rome but sleeping together was beyond everything. If anybody find out, it could be the end of their band. ‘’ !’’ he said punching the wall. ‘’ Why can’t I get you out of my head ! ‘’.

…………………………………………………………………..

 

The radio show went well, everybody had fun. Both of them acted like nothing happened, they didn’t ignore each other but avoid as much as possible any eyes contacts. They had a meeting with the managing staff right after.

M. Young: Good job guys! Check yours emails tonight for the rest of the activities and don’t forget to tweet about today. That it !

They all stand up and bow at them before taking their leave.

M.Young: Kangjun ?

Kangjun: Yes ?

M. Young: Can you stay one more minute?  M. Han and me want to have a one on one talk with you.

Kangjun: … sure … , He sat back. At this moment, he exchanged a last glance with Rome before they all left the room.

………………………………………………………..

Back at their dorm, all of them were discussing about Kangjun in the bedroom he share with Ray. Rome and Ray were sitting on Ray bed and the others on the floor eating Doritos:

Maru: I hope he’ll be ok …

Siwoo: He haven’t done any mistakes this morning so … I don’t think we should be worry.

Maru: I would be scare to death if I was him. M Young is chill , you know? He is like 35 but M. Han creeps me out for real. He reminds me of a clown from an horror film.

TK couldn’t stop laughing hearing that.

TK: You are soooo dramatic!

Maru: It’s true ! He is creepy!

Siwoo: How old is he ?

TK: Like 200 years old … all those wrinkles …

Siwoo: You guys are way too y …

At the same time, the door opened on Kangjun.

‘’I’m back !’’

Maru: You’re ok ?

Kangjun: Yeah … why ?

TK: Well … 1 on 1 with the creepo ! Ring a bell?

Siwoo: Why did they want to see you?

Kangjun: Oh … nothing important just … to give me some feedbacks.

Ray: About what?

Kangjun: Nothing serious!

TK: Then share!

Kangjun: They just wanted to know how I like it so far and if I was ok being the main vocalist … they wanted me to have a look of the materiel for the next cd, what I should improve … stuff like that ! And they said that they’ll eventually meet you, just like they did with me.

TK: Oh … that’s cool !

Maru: We thought they were mad at you or something.

Kangjun: It’s true that there is always room for improvement but so far, we are doing well, he said smiling. That’s smile, just looking at him, Rome knew it was fake. He knew that’s he was lying.

Siwoo: I have to call my brother. He left the bedroom.

TK: We have some time to spare before the show tonight, let’s go play video games.

Maru: Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooo ! The maknae screamed following TK outside.

‘’ Didn’t I say no food inside!’’ Kangjun said looking at the bag  of chips left on the floor by them. Ray stood up and grabbed it.

Ray: I’ll go play a bit. Join us later.

Kangjun: Maybe …

Ray: By the way … I was worry too …

Kangjun: No need … but thanks.

Ray smiles, happy to hear it and then left, closing the door behind him, leaving the 2 boys alone. Kangjun his cardigan and removed his tie.

Rome: What did they say to you?

Kangjun: You heard me before.

Rome: I want the truth.

He stood up from the bed to face him.

Kangjun: Well … it’s nothing bad …

Rome:Then you can tell me!

Kangjun: They just wanted me to remember my responsibilities as the main vocalist; they said that because of my look, they already received few scripts for me. I have to start intensive acting lessons this week to be ready to film soon.

Rome: Do you want to do it?

Kangjun: I will do it!

Rome: What else?

Kangjun: They said that … they are really happy with you as a leader but … if by example, you are busy with another activity In another city one day, I will automatically replace you … same with the rap, if you or TK are sick, I have to cover for you and … since I’m doing most of all the chorus …

He paused for few seconds. Acting a bit worry.

Rome: What ?

Kangjun: I can’t be sick or take all my vacations. I have to be available anytime and since you are Australian, they hope you’re not gonna bust a Jay Park move on the company.

Rome: Of course not! But if I understand clearly … you’ll be more busy than us ?

 Kangjun: Yes! And they really want me to protect my image even more from now on … let’s say that, anything wrong you will do will be a mistake. In my case, it’ll be the end.

Rome: That’s too much …

Kangjun: There is nothing I can do about it, we signed a contract … we agree on all the terms on it … if that’s how they want to use me, I have to do it.

Rome: Kangjun … I wish I could help you.

Kangjun: I’ll be fine and it’s a privilege they chose me. I will do my best.

Rome: More than anyone in the band, you deserve it.

Kangjun: Thank you …

They avoid looking at each other for too long. Both of them remember what happened the last time they did.

Kangjun: By the way …

Rome: Yes ?

Kangjun: Well … about yesterday … did you drink anything before meeting me ?

Rome: No … you ?

Kangjun: Of course not ! The alcohol isn’t allowed at the studio.

Rome: True !

They kept the silence for a while, both feeling very embarrassed. Rome cleared his throat before saying:

Rome: We were not drunk but I guess … we felt lonely …

Kangjun: More like than anything.

Rome: Speak for yourself.

Kangjun: I’m sorry … I clearly remember you begging me for more when I … sorry !

He immediately stopped when he saw how red Rome turned,  hearing his comment. Rome walked a bit far from him and leaned against the wall, still facing him.

Rome: Ok, I’ll be frank: I enjoyed it and what happened … happened. We can’t change that.

Kangjun: So … what do we do now?

Rome: I don’t know!

Kangjun: That’s a good start!

They both laughed at his comment.

Rome: I think it’s just the kind of thing everybody experiment once in a lifetime. I mean, It was my first time …

Kangjun: What do you mean by ‘’your first time’’?

Rome: With a guy.

Kangjun: Really?

Rome: Yeah … why so surprise?

Kangjun: Well, the way you matched my … I thought you were used to it.

Rome: I’m not a … and you’re the one who kissed me first !

Kangjun: Really? I don’t remember that part!

Rome: So you remember the part but not the kiss? …

Kangjun: say that again !

Rome: I finally find someone worse than Tao. Unbelievable. He added laughing.

Kangjun: What do you mean … Tao?

Rome: The guy from Exo …

Kangjun: What about him ?

Rome: He’s a good kisser.

Kangjun: You guys … kissed?

Kangjun didn’t like it. He felt weird. He never knew they were that close. What was so special about Tao? Nothing in his opinion. He felt jealous.

Kangjun: Such a disappointment … I guess I have a better taste.

Rome: ‘’ A better taste? ’’ , which is ?

Kangjun: You !

Kangjun’s answer … Rome will never forget it. Feeling embarrassed, he laughed and said:

‘’ Your taste is awful! At least Tao was drunk when he kissed me.’’

Kangjun sat on his bed; he looks suddenly a bit sad. Rome thought it was because of what he said:

Rome: I’m sorry … it was just a joke you know …

Kangjun: We’re so stupid! So stupid …, he said calmly.

Rome: What do you mean?

Kangjun: We are attracted to each other, what we shared yesterday was special and we’re not even capable of facing the truth.

They kept the silence for another 5mn, Rome left the wall and sat next to him on the bed.

Rome: I’m pitiful … I’m supposed to be the leader and I can’t even give the example.

Kangjun: You’re a good leader.

Rome: No … I’m not ! They made me one because I can speak English and that I already had a fans base with my previous videos.

Kangjun: Don’t say that …

Rome: It’s the truth. I have nothing else to offer, it should have been you.

Kangjun: My taste is obviously better … You are better. You are handsome, nice, cultivated, very funny, good at everything you do, you have a big heart, a perfect family and … everybody loves you … yes, my taste is better.

He looks so sad , Rome couldn’t bear to see him like this:

Rome: Please don’t say that … I like you for who you are, nobody is perfect. I couldn’t imagine the band without you, the others too. Earlier we were all worry for you and … I wish I had enough guts to tell you … how much I like you.

Kangjun: You like me?

Rome: Well … yes …, He blushes and looks away.

Kangjun: Please … don’t fall in love with me. I can’t make you happy …

Rome: I don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Kangjun: Leave! Please … I want to be alone …

Rome: You’re ok?

Kangjun: Yes …

Rome cell phone suddenly starts to ring.

‘’ Excuse me … ‘’ He picked up.

‘’ Shiwon … hi, yes ! Long time no see. I’m good and you ? Yes, the radio show went well. What? Now? … well … I guess I can go out for few minutes, I will text you to confirm. Thank you.’’ He hangs up.

Kangjun: Choi Shiwon ?

Rome: Yes ! He follows me on twitter and last week, we hanged out backstages.

Kangjun: You kissed him too?

Rome: What? I’m not like that …

Kangjun: You should go … he might be waiting for you in a motel or something.

Rome: I can’t believe I was worry for you. Bye !

Rome left the room slamming the door.

Kangjun was alone in the room. With his hand, he wiped a tear rolling on his cheek. Then he looked at both of his wrists. The scars were still there.

He felt so depressed at this moment, he wish Rome was still there with him, the sweet words Rome told him made him like him even more. But deep inside he knew that it was pointless … everything was pointless. Him and Rome was impossible. He couldn’t fall in love with him … liking Rome was already so painful, loving him would probably kill him he thought while, rolling down his cardigan’s sleeves.

He grabs his bag and opened it. Inside, he took a small bottle full of blue pills. He remembers his talk with the managers. They knew about his condition. They knew about his suicide attempt … they knew everything. And they knew how much being in C-Clown mean to him. So they gave him those pills, to fight his anxiety, his demons, his depression … and even his attraction to Rome.

Kangjun stares at them for few seconds before swallowing 2 of them.

They had so much hopes in him, he couldn’t let them down.

………………………………………………………….

After that, he didn’t see Rome for 3 days. They had activities a little bit everywhere I n the country, so they split the band in 2 groups, he was paired with Ray and Maru.

Those 3 days felt like 3 years to him, he needed Rome … he wanted to see him so bad, he felt so unbalanced and lost. Thanks God he had the blue pills, he didn’t really know what it was. All he knew was that, it helps a lot: to focus on the reporter’s questions, to smile at the fans, to not feel tired or hungry, to not think too much of his feelings growing inside him…

Rome missed him. He missed Kangjun so much that every time he heard the others mentioning his name, he felt sick … because he wanted to be with him, many times he texted him, then erased it or never sent it. Focusing on the meeting, shows, interviews … was so hard. The only thing he had in mind was him ‘’Kangjun’’ ! He couldn’t stop it.

 

 

A week after, they were all reunite for a interview for a magazine, they were casually sitting on a sofa with a reporter facing them and a photographer taking pictures. Everybody was there except Maru who got a cold, he stayed home.

Reporter: What do you like the most about the debut MV for Solo?

TK: The fact that the MV is very original; it’s not your typical ‘’boys band dancing in a box’’ video. There is actually a concept and a lot of symbols in it.

Kangjun: I think the director did a great job !  Coming with a very clever idea by introducing each of us through the pictures showing in the mv.

Reporter : True ! And what about your style in the video kangjun and all the live performances you guys did, we always see you dressing pretty classic, like jacket, clean shirt … do you have the same style in everyday life ?

Kangjun: Yes and no, it depends of the occasion but I have a preppy style which is very close to what I wear on stage . I love clothes and dressing up is a must for a gentleman.

Reporter: really ? Should we call it SWAG ?

With a smirk on his lips and all the confidence in the world, Kangjun answered:

‘’No, CLASS ! Swag is for boys and class only for real men!’’

Except Rome who thought that it was the coolest thing he heard in his life, everybody else rolled their eyes.

TK: This lil …

Reporter: Ah … ok ! And you Rome, we spotted you recently hanging out with Choi Shiwon from SUJU. What is your relationship with him ?

Kangjun, turned his head to stare at Rome who noticed it. They were separated by the 3 others members in the middle, on the sofa. Him far on the right and Kangjun on the left.

Rome: He is a great guy. He has been in the industry for quiet long, I definitely look up to him and hope having in the future a similar path.

Reporter: Did he give you a lot of advices?

Rome: Yes … he told me that no matter what we do, every time we get stressed or tired or even mad because things aren’t going the way we want, we should always remember our fans support and dedication. And I agree with him, I mean … I love to make people happy, when I am not ok I just feel of my new and old fans who are smiling just because of what we are doing. This give me the energy to go back in the ring and try harder.

Reporter: Very wise words expected from the leader. This is the end and thanks you again for giving us this interview.

Siwoo: Our pleasure!

They all stood up and bowed at the journalist.

…………………………………………………………

Before they left, Rome went to the washroom. He was washing his hands when he heard the door moving, someone was there:

Kangjun: Such a wise words !

Rome: Kangjun …

Kangjun: I’m surprise they didn’t catch you and this Shiwon making out yet … you know, it could be very bad for the band’s reputation.

Rome: You are such a retard …

He was ready to leave the washroom when Kangjun grabs his arm to stop him:

‘’ Wait ! ‘’ He shout, looking all confused.

Rome: What again ?

Kangjun: I’m sorry …

Rome: Back off !

Rome removed the other boy hand on him.

Kangjun: Look … You didn’t even text me once … you went hang out with him …

Rome: I was worry for you …

Kangjun: Really ? you have a really weird way of showing it!

Rome: And what about you ?

Kangjun: I said I was sorry , ok?

Rome: … did you miss me ?

Kangjun came closer and kissed him on the cheek, then on the lips. When he broke the kiss, he turned red, he was looking at the floor, he couldn’t look at Rome in the eyes. Him Kangjun usually in control was losing it. It was not in his habits to be so impulsive. He felt his heart racing like crazy.

Kangjun: I’m going to my acting class … bye ! He left all confused.

Rome was still shocked by what just happened.

‘’ He kissed me … again … is he in love with me ? ‘’

 

…………………………………………………………………………………

When Kangjun arrived home it was pretty late, he looked at his watch:

‘’ midnight already … and I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow … I guess I’ll skip my meal and go straight to bed.’’. Inside everybody were sleeping, the lights were turned off already.

As he walked in the living room, he noticed someone on the sofa. He came closer, it was Rome sleeping in a sitting position.

‘’ Why is he there ? ‘’ He sat next to him, Everything was dark except for the moon shining outside in the sky, sending some rays of light. It was enough for him to see Rome face.

‘’ You are so beautiful Rome … please don’t fall in love with me. You deserve so much better.” , he whispered caressing the older boy’s face.

Rome must have felt it and heard him, he woke up.

‘’ Hey … you’re back…’’ he whispered with a sleepy voice, making Kangjun jumped off. He immediately removed his hand.

Rome smiles a him:

Rome: When did you arrive ?

Kangjun: Like … 5mn ago.

Rome: How was it?

Kangjun: Nothing special ! Acting class, then M. Han suggested me to go back practice the dance for the next single , at the studio. I took a shower over there, so I ll go straight to bed.

Rome: Tell me …

Kangjun: What?

Rome: Why did you kiss me earlier ?

Kangjun: Because …

Rome: Because ?

Kangjun: I can’t answer …

Rome: Then why are you there instead of going to bed ?

Kangjun: Why are you there instead of sleeping at your place ? He snapped on the defense, he was getting mad. He felt like Rome could read him, which made him nervous.

Rome: I was waiting for you. I missed you. I knew you would come late, I cooked something for you … I didn’t want you to skip your meal.

Kangjun: I’m not worth it … please don’t ever do that … you and me it’s impossible.

Rome: That what you say but you can’t even control yourself …

Kangjun: How do you want me to control myself when I’m in love with you ? !!! He stood up and run away in his bedroom. Ray was already sleeping inside.  As he entered in the room, Kangjun didn’t turn the light off, he couldn’t believe what he just said to Rome. Kangjun felt like ventilating. He grabs his bag, he looked inside for the pills , swallowed 4 of them and fell on the bed.

‘’ I’m going crazy … Rome … I love you’’.