story  

review by: KindergartenGirl

title : I love him But he...

Title: [4/5]

I really liked your title. It made me want to read your story more since he contrasted

when it said ‘but he…’ The only thing is, a lot of people judge a story by its title. In this

case, people might judge your story right away because it isn’t capitalized. It would be

nice to see it like this: I Love Him, But He… Nobody can stop and follow “don’t judge a

book by its cover” thing. No matter how good your story is or how much effort you put in

it, a lot of people with judge a story by its cover. Or, in your scenario, title. (Was I a bit

too harsh? Sorry)

Description: [7/10]

Grammar. It was probably the main thing that I saw was a mistake. Like, ‘they were

neighbors since 8 years old and their parent are bestfriend’. Already there were 3 mistakes

in that one sentence (I’m sorry… Was that too harsh?). Anyway, it’s better paraphrased 

like this ‘They were neighbors since they were 8 years old and their parents are

bestfriends’ Another thing was that you could’ve described a little bit more. At first, it

made some sense and then a little bit more until we got to the part about marriage. I kind

of lost myself there. But, I liked how you left a little cliffhanger for readers to want to

read your story. Also, it was a short –but not too short- description.

Graphic: [10/10]

I loved your poster. It was so perfect (OMG, I know). Unlike some poster on AFF, yours

matched your story really well (^. ^). It had this romantic, angsty feeling to it but it

wasn’t over-the-top with angst. It was really well done.

Plot: [10/10]

the plot was a very interesting one. Unique and all that. The fact that you threw in ‘I love 

him but he’s with this girl but he loves me too’. It’s like and straight put a unique 

jumble. Also, the ! I was confused at first (since it’s been a long time since I read 

) and thought… two boys=? So… interesting… 

Originality: [9/10]

Even though your plot is very unique itself, the ‘bestfriend forgets one another’ thing is

somewhat familiar. And being bestfriend-love is also popular so… The fact that you added

marriage and some kind of love triangle it was very… intimidating. 

Flow: [3/5]

I’m sorry, but I have to give you a 3 on this one. I just didn’t get why the point of views

changed so often. Then there’s ‘NO ONE POV’. Yes, we know what you mean by that but

it’s… annoying? I don’t know if it’s just me but the term ‘Third-Person POV’ is a little

more knowledgeable. Also, the fact that you rushed through transitions. All of a sudden

Donghae is here, and then he’s there. It’s like, ‘how did he get there?’ and ‘How long did

it take him to get there?’ It was a bit confusing. A good thing is that you didn't rush the

plot. A lot of writers seemingly like to rush in the conflict or the solution without showinf

how main character got there or how long it took him there. 

Grammar/Spelling: [15/30]

I have to be honest with you here, there are mistakes. Not like those teeny tiny mistakes,

it’s those big, ‘out in the obvious mistakes’. Now, I saw you’re request and I understand

English isn’t your first language. I understand this a lot, actually. In fact, though English

is my first language, I get mixed up myself. But, take my word on this, it’s those obvious

things you’re missing. Capitalization of proper nouns and beginning sentences, some

missed spelling errors, quotations (You must add the last quotation after finishing

dialogue, what the character is saying!), and the fact that some little words are missing or

you’re adding some stray words. My advice? Microsoft Word. It helps 

Writing Style: [9/10]

though your mistakes may affect how I see your writing style, it’s obvious that you’re a 

really good writer. Your style is good but it may need some improvement (such as

grammar).

Overall Enjoyment: [10/10]

I loved the story. I loved the ending. And, you actually brought me to like Super Junior a little 

bit more (honestly, I wasn’t really familiar with SUJU until now). was another thing.

You did really well. 

Overall score: 77/100

chibixchibi note : actually, this review alrd done for so long.

but due to my busy-ness, i wasnt able to update asap.

so here, your request. so yeah, sorry for being late. /bows/

do credit us.thank you!