Chapter 4 - How Do I Fit?

The slate sky, untouched by the blush of dawn, bore no secrets in the morning. Yi Jeong opened the door to his studio. The place was silent. He wanted it that way when he returned. Not a single pot dared to move from its footprint of dust.

Yi Jeong pushed up his sleeves and sat down at a his old wheel. He tapped his foot on the pedal and the wheel spun with an oiled smoothness. He found the fresh clay already dropped off for delivery. Yi Jeong squeezed the tightness of the new clay-it would take hours of pounding, plying, rolling, to expel the air from its moist depth. Clay with air was insidious. It would go through all the motions, but then be proven a fraud when the real test came.

But the piece he was working now, could be something beautiful days later, was just a clod of greyish earth. He barely looked up as he worked a small lump in his hands. Yi Jeong was best when his hands did all the talking for him. When his hands ran through the silky strands of Ga Eul's hair, when he punched his father's face for the never-ending pain he inflicted on his mother, when he had felt the small of Ga Eul's back through her thin silk dress. He liked the curve of a woman there. It was public, yet intimate; only a few inches lower and he would be indecent. But Ga Eul let him touch her there, he didn't know why. His mind was ruminating when he noticed a flash of red outside his window. Yi Jeong immediately went to the doorway and saw Ga Eul turning away from a package she had just dropped.

"I hope I still get a good morning?" He called out to her departing back.

Ga Eul winced and slowly turned around. She adjusted her face so it was winsome smile. "Sunbae, I thought you'd be at home."

"Ga Eul, come in. I'll make you some tea before you go to work." He leaned against the doorway. The sun broke out across the horizon and shone through the strands of her hair, lightening the dark strands to a golden brown. Her hair whipped around her like a halo and Yi Jeong steadied himself. He had no idea how unprepared he was for her-this woman that looked like she stepped out of a dream. He shook his head and cleared his eyes. No, it was Ga Eul.

Ga Eul felt her stomach drop but nodded. She stepped into the studio and felt herself go backwards in time. Four years ago, she had told him that he was a coward for not going after what he wanted.

Ga Eul looked at the puzzle piece that Yi Jeong's first love, Eun Jae, had made for him. Eun Jae was also her pottery teacher at the art center. The woman felt so familiar and Ga Eul didn't understand at first. Eun Jae's knowledge was breathtaking, as was her dedication to her craft. Ga Eul didn't comprehend until she saw them, Yi Jeong and Eun Jane, together. Eun Jae alone understood what it was like to be pursued by her passion-they shared something sublime. Ga Eul remember how she felt the finality of each fragment of the Yi Jeong and Eun Jae relationship fall into place. She thought she had made her peace back then.

She traced the outline of the puzzle. Each missing piece completed the phrase, "Once chance in one lifetime." Ga Eul's mouth twisted. She remember those weeks of Yi Jeong's misery. He confessed that he had missed a meeting with Eun Jae three years ago that forever changed them. He didn't show and she disappeared.

After months of searching, Ga Eul finally found Eun Jae's meeting place, on a rooftop in Seoul. Ga Eul sat out on the roof during that chilly dawn, waiting for the right moment. And when the sunrise broke between the billboards and spelled out, "I love you, Yi Jeong," the invisible message from Eun Jae to Yi Jeong, she had felt all of her hope leak away like water through a broken vase. Ga Eul swallowed back the memory. Her eyes weren't clear yet, there was still the image of Yi Jeong screaming for a second chance, for Eun Jae, the next morning on the same roof.

Yi Jeong set down the steaming pot of tea and Ga Eul followed him to the table where she spent so much time contemplating the man in front of her. He had changed in four years. And so had she. They were pieces of a puzzle that never fit together. It was too much to hope for that their jagged edges would align just because of the passage of time. Life didn't work that way.

"Europeans drink tea differently than we do. They cover everything with sugar and milk."

"I like this tea." Ga Eul took a sip and savored it. "It's the way Anders drinks it."

Yi Jeong watched the pink tip of her tongue dart against the lip of china. He wondered what it tasted like. If she liked the gentle tug of his teeth, or if she would reciprocate.

"Thank you." She set the tea cup down and looked at him curiously.

They sat in companionable silence for a beat and both began.

"Your mother-"

"I came back-"

She sat back and waited for Yi Jeong to begin again. He looked at the piece of the puzzle, currently on vacation from its home, on the table.

"I don't think i ever thanked you for that day." His searched her face. "And after the way I treated you."

Ga Eul finally met his eyes.

"I just wanted you to know that she loves you."

"Loved, Ga Eul. The same wind doesn't blow twice." He took the tea cup from her and held her hands cupped in his own. "These hands are always so cool. But you what they say about warm hearts." Yi Jeong pressed the tips of her fingers to his lips. Ga Eul took a sharp breath and he continued, "I know what I said last night. But I lied. I did come back to Seoul for you. You were the first place I wanted to be when I got off the plane."

Ga Eul felt fill with cotton. Her stomach flipped. Yi Jeong couldn't possibly be serious. She had done a solid job of convincing her heart. She had argued with it like a litigator, poking holes into memories and eroding hope. Ga Eul had herself convinced thoroughly, Yi Jeong wasn't hers.

"You were always my savior and I didn't see it."

From the precipice, she felt herself step back. Her heart still felt hollow, like a drum.

Her voice was crisp when she responded. "Yi Jeong, I didn't save you. I helped you. You saved yourself. You don't need me for that." She withdrew her hands.

Yi Jeong heard the cold edge of her voice. He was puzzled by her. It wasn't the first time. He remembered waking up to a furious Ga Eul, demanding that he give more of himself, not to her, but to Eun Jae. He had pushed her away like an annoying child. He didn't understand then that Ga Eul saw him clearer than Eun Jae had ever. Through his mask, through his self defenses, through all his posturing, Ga Eul sliced him to the core. He rejected her then because someone who could filet him to the bone was frightening enough without romantic entanglement. He sighed. It was actually Ga Eul's words that made him discover Eun Jae had moved on, to his hyung, the brother the family had disinherited.

"Have I missed my chance then?" His voice flattening the emotion in his question.

A/N: Thank you for reading! If you would like to continue with this chapter, please finish reading here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8663756/1/Love-and-Luck