Chapter 4 ;;

There are lots of people in my wake. Everyone is there. My parents who had disowned me since I was little are also there. My friends whom I lost contact since years ago are also there. How did they even know I’m dead?

I saw my ex-girlfriend beside Jaejoong, staring at my lifeless body inside the coffin. To be honest, I didn’t love her. She just became my girlfriend because she won’ stop pestering me. I gave it a try and we lasted for five months. And in those five months, I felt Jaejoong distancing himself to me. I don’t want that. I want Jaejoong in everything I do and everywhere I go. And because of that, we broke up. I told her, it’s not going to work longer because I have someone else in mind. I told her I’m gay. She had suspected that ‘someone’ to be Jaejoong and I had to deny it. There’s no way I will tell that to her when Jaejoong himself doesn’t even know about my feelings.

She had loved me truly. Giving me everything she thought I needed and caring for me even though I don’t like her skin touching mine because I felt like cheating to Jaejoong. I felt sorry when we broke up but she didn’t hesitate to let go. She told me she felt it―that I have someone else. She said I’m too reserved and that she understood.

Jaejoong looked at her and hugged her tight. I moved my feet towards them and tried my best to hear their whispers.

“I know Yunho was a part of your life.” Jaejoong said through his sobs.

“No, he’s always been a part of my life. I was extremely happy that he’s become yours. Though, I feel sorry as much as I felt happy for you with him being gone too early. You were truly in love with each other and it’s a shock that you two just got together the day before yesterday. I hope he’ll be fine wherever he is now.” My ex said.

I am fine except my heart. It’s aching. The pain is unbearable. If I’m dead already, why am I feeling this pain? I am dying… again. Damn it, Yunho. You’re already dead! Why? Why is it so hard to accept this? Is this really the reality?

-

Only some minutes more before my body will finally undergo cremation. The question is still in my mind. Will I―my spirit self―vanish if my body is cremated already?

I waited for some more before my body was inserted into a chamber where it will turn to ashes. Everyone is crying, some are saying they’ll miss me and some are asking for forgiveness. I can’t even remember some of the faces or whatever bad they did to me. I am not the type of person to keep hatred for long, Jaejoong’s parents are exempted.

And as expected, I can feel my spirit self slowly vanishing. To be honest, I am scared. What if I don’t go to heaven? What if I’ll burn in hell? What if I won’t be able to see Jaejoong from a far? What if… no one’s going to take care of Jaejoong?

All sorts of fear, I felt. I fear a lot and praying for another chance. I can be in a different body, but still Jaejoong’s. I just don’t want to leave yet.

-

When the jar of my ashes is already on Jaejoong’s hand and everyone else is gone, three-forth of me has vanished already. I reached out for Jaejoong’s shoulder, attempting a last pat as a sign of ‘good bye, I’ll be here for you’, and my hand didn’t pass through. I had successfully touched him and I saw him turn around. I heard him let my name roll out of his tongue and at the same time, the tear roll out of his eyes.

I felt him not letting me go. I don’t know why but my whole (invisible) body suddenly ached and a voice sounded in my brain that he’s still not letting me go.

It was a painful experience from the funeral to somewhere I don’t know. I think I just teleported into paradise. It’s so bright everywhere and it seemed peaceful. On a corner, near the small fountain, I saw the same kid I saw in the fountain at the park.

“Kid…” I called him just to myself but, perhaps, due to the silence of the place, he heard me.

“Ahjussi, you’re here! I’ve been waiting for you.” He told me. Why was he waiting for me?

“I’m waiting for you because it gets lonely here. I don’t have anyone to talk to and soon, I’ll show you around.” Is he reading my mind?

“Why are you asking? Can’t you read my mind?” Do I look like some mind reader?

“No you’re not a mind reader. I guess you are yet to improve your reading skills.” Is that a requirement hear? I suddenly heard the same voice that told me Jaejoong’s not letting go, but this time, the voice said something… I don’t like.

“Did you just call me ugly?” I asked the kid.

“Oh! There! I knew it! When I’m new to the ability, the first word I recognized is a hateful word too!” He clapped his hands in delight and I found myself smiling. At least I smiled.

“Don’t be so lonely, ahjussi. Come, I’ll show him to you.” The kid said. Show him? Does he mean my Jaejoong? To me? How?

“Yes, ahjussi, your Jaejoong… I’ll show Jaejoong ahjussi to you.” And with that, he led me to another side of this paradise.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Comment and subscribe!