Awkward, uncomfortable, and just downright strange was how Yoochun was feeling at the moment.  He and his hyungs, JaeJoong and Junsu, were headed as a group from the international airport, through the sprawling city and out the other side to where they would be living with Yunho and Changmin once again.  It was a weird homecoming on foreign soil with so many unexplored feelings circling his thoughts, that at one point he forgot to breathe and thought he was having another asthma attack.

JaeJoong nudged his arm, offering an inhaler, but Yoochun shook his head negatively and inhaled long and steadily before exhaling easily.  A slight frown pursed Jae’s lips.  If Chun wasn’t having difficulties breathing, why was he agitated and rubbing his chest?  He looked over to Junsu, who seemed to have noticed the same odd behaviors from his friend.

Yoochun’s hand kept gravitating over his left pectoral in some sort of subconscious gesture while he stared out the window, not really seeing anything.  Jae watched him out of the corner of his eye for the duration of the drive.  The continuing good health of the five would be elemental to their success.  If one got sick or injured, the whole group would suffer.  They couldn’t afford to have any setbacks.

The van stopped after turning off the freeway into a residential area that was mostly populated with single homes – a far cry from the overpopulation of multi-family dwellings in the notoriously big city.   The guys lined up outside the back of the van while the driver opened the back door and handed out their luggage.  For all the time that Junsu spent quiet and still on the trip, the nervous energy of seeing the leader and excitement of reuniting with the maknae had him dancing as if there were ants in his pants.  JaeJoong’s grin could not be contained as he hurriedly dragged his suitcase towards the front door.  Chun was last to grab his bag.  The long look on his face made it seem as if he were dreading what would come next. 

Junsu got in line behind him, all smiles.  He wanted to enter the domicile in JYJ order, as he was the youngest member.  There was a certain pecking order in all groups, and he was ready to fulfill his old role.  Yoochun’s apathy was making him nervous.  The last thing they needed was an argument at the start.  Although whatever was eating at Chun was a mystery.

“Hurry up,” he prodded his hyung.

“Relax, we have the rest of our lives ahead of us.”

“If you don’t get a move on, I’ll be an old man before we get through the front door.”  Su bumped his bag into the backs of Chun’s knees.

“Gotta dance on these legs,” Yoochun scolded the younger man.

Junsu hung his head apologetically.  “Mianhe, hyung.”

Inside the house Changmin squirmed behind the door waiting to welcome his family back.  Yunho leered at him from over the financial section of the newspaper. “Watched pots never boil.”

Changmin sneered back at him before opening the door…

Scaring the life out of JaeJoong.  The girly scream that escaped his lips sounded more like an aria; however, it had Yunho leaping from the couch to the threshold in two bounds. 

The maknae’s head bobbed in response to the slap upside the head delivered by the group’s leader as he greeted their guests.

“Welcome home,” his suave voice enveloped the long absent members of TVXQ.  Yunho didn’t want to appear over enthusiastic with their presence.  He hoped to convey a warm and inviting environment while exuding leadership.  All the while his heart pounded wildly against his ribs.

Jae made his grand entrance by planting a kiss on his maknae’s cheek before embracing Yunho like a long-lost lover.

It seemed like a long time before Yoochun entered.  He dragged his suitcase behind him, walking through the living room and down the hall in search of his new sleeping quarters.

“What’s with him?”  Changmin was disappointed until Junsu appeared before him.

Yunho’s arched eyebrows said all JaeJoong needed to hear.  “We’ll talk later,” he mumbled.

Junsu’s presence completely changed the mood of the room.   Uncertainty turned to laughter relaxed enough for the contagious ‘eu kyang kyang’ to resound through the home.  The boys talked for a long time before Yunho decided it was time to check on Yoochun.  He couldn’t help but wonder what was up with the middle member that gave him the desire to be solitary.

For a few moments he stood in the doorway of the bedroom, watching Yoochun sleep face down in his pillow.  Yunho wanted to wake him and have him turn over, at the very least.  Before he could take the steps to do so, Jae joined him in the doorway.

“Everything okay with him?”

“Not sure,” JaeJoong shrugged while frowning. 

“What does that mean?”  Yunho folded his arm across his chest.

“Don’t take it personally.” He put his arm around the leader to soothe his potentially wounded ego.   “I don’t think he feels well at the moment.”

This put Yunho on high alert.  “Should he see a doctor?  We can’t all get sick…not now.”

“I don’t know if what’s ailing him is contagious.”  Jae tried to ease the leader back to the living room.  “Let’s have some tea and figure this out together.”

Yoochun waited for his hyungs to leave before rolling over onto his back.  He had been napping until JaeJoong said something to Yunho.  Although he couldn’t make out the words, it was enough to disturb his sleep.   Doggedly he made his way toward the kitchen for a glass of water.  He should have suspected he’d find at least JaeJoong in there making dinner.

“Did you sleep well?” 

“I guess I needed it,” was all Chun offered as a reply.

“Yah, Park Yoochun, you’d better not be getting sick on us,” Yunho eyed him warily.  After so many years together, he still knew the young man’s tell-tale signs.  The years apart hadn’t changed them too much.

Yoochun unconsciously rubbed at his chest.  “It’s probably indigestion.”

“Yah, you haven’t eaten anything to get indigestion,” JaeJoong pointed out with the spatula in his hand.

“Then its acid reflux or something,” Chun shrugged.

Yunho led him to a chair.  “Did you take some medicine?”

Yoochun nodded, feeling a little better knowing his leader genuinely cared about him.  He thought that perhaps his symptoms were a result of the anxiety that stressed him.  He wanted to confess his uneasiness, yet it didn’t seem to be the proper time to open old wounds or inflict any new ones.  It would be best to take it day by day to see how the situation would progress.  After all, he could be worried over nothing!

In the silence of his own thoughts, Chun had not noticed that the five were now sitting around the table eating.  Before him was a bowl of white rice and a cup of tea.  He barely had an appetite, of which the other four were painfully aware. He was brought out of his reverie by JaeJoong rubbing his back.

“Try eating a little bit.  You need to put something in your stomach today.”

He looked up at his brothers, apologetically.  His heart fluttered at the sight of Changmin’s uneven eyes and sad frown.  Next to Min sat Junsu with a similar aura of concern.  Yoochun forced himself to handle the chopsticks and down a few bites of rice for their sakes.  He tried to smile at them, but felt his cheeks barely move.

Yoochun had to look away to avoid their vigil, only to see Yunho’s worried expression.  “I’m alright, hyung, I swear.”

“You don’t look alright,” Changmin interrupted before the leader could respond.

Yunho shot the maknae a look of warning.  He schooled his face to a calm demeanor before asking his next question.  “Is something bothering you, Yoochun-ah?”

Chun hung his head, a little embarrassed.  “Ne”.

Both Junsu’s and JaeJoong’s face registered surprise. “Hyung, why didn’t you say something sooner,” the angelic Junsu’s eyes pleaded with his best friend.

It did not escape Yoochun’s attention that Yunho was leaning into the conversation with an urgent expectancy.  “It’s not something I wish to talk about at this time,” he offered meekly.  Their bewildered looks urged him to say more.  “I need to organize my thoughts clearly so that when I speak, you will understand and not misinterpret what I say.”

Four sets of eyes stared at him with uncertainty.

“You should finish eating.  I’ll leave first.”  Chun excused himself.

Who could eat after that? 

It was about an hour later when JaeJoong checked in on Yoochun.  Surprisingly, the younger was listening to something on headphones while writing.  It was good to see the look of concentration and determination on Yoochun’s face.  This was a good sign that things were headed back to normal.  Perhaps he would even eat something more when he was finished.

Upon returning to the living room, Junsu jumped to his feet for an immediate report.  “What’s he doing in there?”

“Working,” Jae assured him.  He took the seat next to where Junsu was sitting and pulled his friend down next to him.  “Relax,” he’s fine.

“But what do you think is bothering him.”

“I can only guess,” JaeJoong sighed resignedly.

“I wish he’d hurry up and put it before us so we could deal with the issue,” Yunho sounded a little more harsh than he wanted to.

“Yoochun’s always been the mediator,” Changmin said absently.  “If we need someone to referee between him and us, who would do that?”  He looked towards JaeJoong for an answer. 

Yunho couldn’t help but be irked at Min’s second dissing of the day.  He was the leader, and if some leadership was needed, it was up to him to set the example – whether they wanted him to or not.

JaeJoong, always perceptive of Yunho’s moods, rested a placating hand on the younger man’s thigh.  They shared a knowing smile like old times.

Yoochun left the respite of the bedroom heading for the bathroom.  His thoughts were in a good place at the moment.  So much for drudging up the issues that needed to be handled, he thought as he splashed cold water on his face.  He took a long, hard look at his reflection.  He hadn’t changed that much, had he?  Sure, he was older – a little wiser – but still the same Yoochun down under all the oppression and uncertainty that came with life.  Were the others more confident in themselves, let alone their place in the universe, especially with all that had been going on?

It was comical to walk into the living room to see four sets of eager eyes focused on his arrival.  At least Changmin’s eyes were evenly scrutinizing him.  And surprise of all surprises, Yunho’s eyes weren’t little slits of accusation.  For a moment Yoochun had to ask himself why he’d even think that about Yunho.  Perhaps his concerns were unsubstantiated. 

“Spill it,” Yunho pointed to a seat.  The other members’ astonished looks were enough to make him mentally retreat a few levels.  “I’m still the leader of Tohoshinki, and if there’s a problem, we need to deal with it.  The sooner the better.”  His voice reflected a softer tone.

Yoochun was actually grinning.  Good old Yunho, always the leader, always coming on strong before dialing it down to put the group at ease when needed.

Yunho was grinning too.  “I’ve missed your goofy face.”  He was up and across the floor throwing himself next to Chun and embracing him in a rib-crushing hug.

The three across the room began laughing as “Chun-face” abounded with Yoochun forcing a wheezing “I can’t breathe” at their leader.

Yunho eased up, worried that he was actually causing real discomfort.  Then he remembered that Yoochun wasn’t feeling well earlier.  He pulled away from him to look at his face closely.  His hand went up to the younger man’s forehead to check for fever as he had felt a little warm during their embrace.

Chun rolled his eyes.  “Stop worrying.”

“It’s what I do best.” Yunho scolded.  He physically pushed himself back a little, giving Yoochun some personal space.  He then placed his hand over Chun’s heart.  “Speak from here.”  He let his hand rest over Chun’s left a few moments longer than needed as a strange feeling permeated his hand, unsettling him.  Yunho pulled it away quickly as Yoochun frowned.  He was left rubbing his fingers with his thumb as if checking to see it he really felt what he thought he felt.

Yoochun got more comfortable by adding space between himself and the others.  Before he could even begin to speak, tears threatened to fall.

If appa couldn’t get Yoochun to say what was bothering him, umma had to try.  JaeJoong, for as much as he wanted to cross the distance and sit on the other side of Yoochun, opted for giving him room and leaned forward to breach some of the physical gap.  “What has you worried?”

“I have reservations about this reunion.”  There.  He said it.

The atmosphere in the room turned cold as if a switch had been flipped.  Junsu’s jaw dropped so quickly, you’d have thought it came unhinged.  JaeJoong’s eyes were wide as saucers.  Changmin’s eyes went uneven, as did his lips. Yunho tilted his head back, closed his eyes and began breathing deeply and evenly.

“See, right there!  Each one of you has decided what I’ve said is a bad thing.”  Yoochun didn’t know whether he should be pissed or pleased.

“It sounds that way,” JaeJoong tried to be the voice of reason.

“Is everything we say going to have an underhanded meaning?  Do I have to carry around a thesaurus and carefully chose my words so there’s no chance of misinterpretation?  If so, I can’t do this.  I can’t walk on eggshells around you guys.  I can’t wonder and worry if every facial expression, every breath, every blink seems to mean anything more than what it actually is.”  Unconsciously Yoochun had grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and began hugging it, creating a barrier between himself and the others.

Yunho nodded curtly.  He understood all too well what Yoochun was feeling.  He wondered the same thing.  He chose his words carefully.  “Chun’s right.  We can’t go back to the past as if nothing ever happened.”

“We can’t pretend the last few years didn’t happen, either,” Yoochun said sadly.

“Many things were said and done…” Changmin wanted to finish, but looked to his leader for confirmation that it was okay to continue.

“Hurtful things,” Junsu added.

“Whatever transpired, no matter how regrettable, did so to enable each and every one of us to get where we are at this moment,” Yunho thought he had gotten in the last words on the subject.

“It’s like we were the pawn children of an ugly divorce,” JaeJoong added.

“Definitely not something you can forget…” Yoochun was staring off into space.

“The only way to move on from the pain is to heal the wounds and not create any new ones.”  Yunho thought he had cleared everything up until he saw that s were not content with that philosophy.

“While I agree that we shouldn’t let the events during the separation interfere with our further endeavors, we should definitely feel free to discuss any bad feelings, concerns or disagreements outright so that they don’t fester,” JaeJoong pointed out.

Junsu and Changmin nodded in agreement.  Yoochun glanced at his hyung perceptively.  Yunho thought about it for a few moments before also agreeing.

JaeJoong leaped across the floor, landing next to Yoochun and flinging his arms around him. “Do you feel better now?” 

If it had been anyone else, Yoochun would have pushed them away asking if they were patronizing him.  But he could never do that to his JaeJoongie.  And yet he was smiling and crying.

“Pabo!” Jae poked him in the forehead.

“Yah!  I’m not your personal dart board.”  Chun wiped away a stray tear. 

“Speaking of personal stuff…” Yunho said lightly.  “I don’t want to make you cry harder, but that bed you spent half the day on … well, it’s mine.”

“I thought it smelled kind of funny.” Yoochun used humor to hide his humiliation.

“Scent of a man.  Get used to it!” Changmin and Yunho said in unison before laughing.