If only, she can hear my heart shattering

If only, he can hear my heart breaking.

I am 24 this year.

Everything looks right but nothing goes right. Things only look pleasant in the eyes of others.

Everything looks perfect. Except everything isn’t perfect.

“He’s perfect.” They would say.

The inheritor of a multi-label fashion company. The ideal of many. The one who countless of girls have their eyes on. The one who has his eyes on me.

Yet I don’t have my eyes on.

“They look perfect together.” They’d say.

If only perfection is what it seems. Who is to define what’s perfect. Who is to decide what’s good for me. Who is to decide what I want.

I wanted everything else but perfection.

I am 24 this year.

And I still haven’t got a grasp on my love life.

I don’t think I ever have.

The guilt eats me alive and tears me apart whenever I look at him.

5 years should have been enough for me to settle all affairs of the heart. Should have been enough for feelings to grow. Should have been enough for me to break it off. The longer I took, the less courage I have.

I have more courage to kiss the man standing in front of me now.

#

The moment I opened the door, I felt Chaerin’s full lips on mine. Something I craved so badly for and I caved in to it naturally. Her lips trembling on mine, nibbling warily. It was easy to notice how carefully and fearfully she was treading on this dangerous territory. I took into mine almost too desperately. Things were spiralling out of control and I had no will to stop anything. Her arms were around my neck, hugging ever so preciously as she pushed me towards the wall. Each time I try to pull away, she did things to me; to my body and to my mind. She was doing the things I wanted to do to her, wanted her to feel so much. I could taste alcohol. I wasn’t sure if she was drunk but she must have been drinking. I wished I was drunk, at least then, I could have justified my actions when I am finally ‘sober’. She was giving her entire self to me, I could feel it. Just for awhile, I told myself, just for awhile. Her lips were as soft and sweet as I have tasted before. So full of memories. That thought itself was enough to make me on them so eagerly. And I did.

Things never felt more right.

But when realization hit me that we were both on the couch with me on top of her and her cold fingers were dancing across the skin on my hip area nervously, I knew I had to snap out of this. I had to remind myself that this is not the same Chaerin. I am not the same Lee Junho. There was nowhere this was going to go and I had to stop myself.

Lost and disappointment. That was all that was written over her face when I pulled myself away. For a moment, we stared at each other and I was looking for something to say, anything.  The right words wouldn’t come, I couldn’t come up with any explanation. There was no way to speak of the truth.

I tore my gaze away from her. Perhaps I was afraid, afraid of letting her down again. I chose this route myself. I should have gone all the way with it.

I pushed myself up with the intention to leave and never return.

“We have never known each other. But you are the only one who knows me the best. Why do I feel like I have known you before too?” Her words left silence in the room and the silence was clawing at my back.  She sounded so raw and helpless, I was afraid any movement towards her would ruin everything that has already been ruined.

I took another step away from her. It was the best not to reciprocate.

“I’m getting engaged to Minjun.” There was even more desperation in her voice. My heart fell.

“I love you.”

Her voice was soft, broken and helpless.

I was fighting to urge to return to her lips, to hold her in my arms

#

“Just one time. It wouldn’t hurt anymore. It shouldn’t.”

I remember telling myself this before the kiss I initiated with him. Yet, I feel the whole world crashing down on me right now. Like a tsunami forcing its way through my heart, my stomach, and my entire entity, splitting, rupturing, shattering.

Perhaps this is the punishment I deserve to have deceived the one who loves me wholeheartedly.

#

The last time I saw her, she was scrunching up against the couch with her knees tucked to her chest, and make-up stains over her face. I have never seen her this vulnerable.

I promised I would be her guardian angel.

What have I done.

-

“What do you think you are doing?”

“What did you see?” I asked wearily. My mind was filled with too many thoughts to retort Chansung with anything smart.

“Saw you with your tongue down . Saw how much you wanted it.”

That was upfront.

I could his stare, it was burning my cheek. I was aware that he was more concerned than infuriated with me. “Is it that obvious?”

“It has been since you met her once again. I can tell, you know.” He sighed, giving in. “Even if you are trying to cover it up. Even if the whole world believes you and your excuses.”

I have questioned myself this so many times in my mind. “Chansung ah, what should I do?” I finally turned, looking at him with pleading eyes.

-

A/N : Enjoy, comments are appreciated (: