It has been three years since I started dancing. In the first two years, I struggled. Badly. When I was at the beginner stage, my dancing skills and techniques were considered weak and inadequate. I was unable to catch up with the instructor’s instructions and the complicated dance routines. I spent most of the time feeling inferior to the ones around me and couldn’t help but question the reason I was selected to join the club.

I recall the lowest period I was in. I think it will be a time which I will always remember. I was unconsciously in an irritable mood, and felt like everyone was against me. I even doubted the person closest to me, Nuneo.

It was a cold rainy night in November. Everyone had rushed home earlier to prevent getting stuck in the rain, in the cold. As usual, I stayed back in the dance studio. It was the time for auditions. This time round, they were selecting one person to join the crew representing the school. The competition was tough, especially so for me since my skills were less than on par. Seeing the juniors doing better than me was no help at all. Furthermore, having failed such auditions thrice have caused a great hit to my self-esteem. Speaking of which, I seemed to have none left. Things seemed hopeless.

Nonetheless, since I was already in the club, I had to try. There was no other way to go.

I saw Nuneo’s reflection in the mirror when I finally ended my second round of practice that night. One hand supporting his chin and the other arm supporting that arm, he stood leaning right against the shelf where the music player was placed, with his head tilted. I hadn’t notice when he had entered the dimly lit room. Looking closely, he seemed to have been in deep thought.

When he saw me turning around, he got up from that position.

“Practicing for the first round of auditions?”

I nodded, panting lightly. “When did you get here?”

“Since you started working on your second dance routine.”

“What did you think of it?” I asked in a timid voice as I headed to beside where Nuneo was standing and slid down the wall mirror and sat against it with my legs straighten out.

“I think you need to tidy up your moves with cleaner and smoother steps, accented moves and dance according to the rhythm.” He seemed to have already given some thought to it.

It wasn’t as if I hadn’t heard these words before. But hearing these words coming out from his mouth made my heart sank even further.

“I’m trying though…” I couldn’t look at him. I took a deep breath and continued. “Why is it that nothing I do makes me progress? Why doesn’t anyone recognise the amount of time and effort I put into it..”

“I think,” I was trying so hard not to let my tears fall. “I can’t do this anymore... Maybe I’m not cut out for dance.

“If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.”

His voice. It was filled with certainty. It seemed like it was filled with mockery. It was making me feel worse than I already was. I was being sensitive.

Silence fell between us. A tear fell onto my arm.

“Come on, I’ll help you.” He offered his hand to pull me up.

That helped. A little.

“One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight, Two …”

I lost it count. I lost the rhythm again. This had been going on for at least three times in a row. He was counting and clapping, perfectly, right on the beat. His voice was eventually void in my mind. I couldn’t concentrate. My body was right here, yet my mind was wandering in all sorts of places. I didn’t mean it. I honestly couldn’t help it.

“Chae Eun ah, push yourself harder!”

His voice was stern, a tone he had never used on me. I was afraid to even look at him.

“I mean it, you’re not going to get anywhere if you continue being like this. If you can’t even get these 16 counts right, how are you going to keep up with the entire dance routine! How will you be able to convince the judges, your instructors and seniors, if you can’t even get pass my stage!”

“And how do you know if I’m not trying!” I burst out finally, turning around. All the disappointment, anger, all the despair pent up in me. “Do you think I wish for myself to be like this! You’re not the one going under the strenuous trainings, trying to keep up with the entire class, only to realize you are barely even half of their level.”

 “Exactly what is your reason for doing this, why are you even so uptight about my dance, about me getting into the crew? I have never really been interested in dance, you know that. Why did you persuade me to get into something you know I wouldn’t be able to do well or even have the slightest interest in? If this is some erse motive about you not being able dance or pursue a career as a dancer, you might as well just stop. Stop whatever you are doing for me.”

That was unexpected.

I saw him looking at me, confused. And speechless. I had wanted to take back all my words. Maybe not all, just the second half of my dramatic explosion. I had finally revealed the thoughts which had bottled up in me for awhile now.

Knock. Knock, knock.

The knock on the door turned our attention doorway. I was afraid someone could see Nuneo and was pretty sure a flustered look had appeared on my face when the guy came in.

“Hi, sorry for intruding at this time in the night. I’m pretty sure you are busy training for your dance. I’m just gonna pick up some things I left behind if that’s alright with you?”

“Sure.. Please go ahead.”  As he walked towards a corner of the room, I tried to clean the tears from my damp eyes with the back of my hand, hoping the unknown student hadn’t noticed anything and eventually remembered that he couldn’t see Nuneo.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you okay? I heard some shouting while I was waiting outside the door and you are the only one in here so…”

“Oh yes I am,” I tried to put on the most cherry voice I could. Thankfully, I caught myself stopping before explaining anything that came into my head to him. “Thanks for your concern.”

“If you’re done with your practice, do you want to leave together?” He asked casually when he had finished packing his things into his back. I took a glance where Nuneo was. 

He was gone.

#

“I will never understand why you did it.”

I let out a sigh, unintentionally, and turned towards Chansung who was sitting beside me.  Then, the focus of my eyes changed to the trees and the vast sky behind him. There was a fusion of thoughts in my head. I used to be so sure it was the right decision, so certain of my actions.

Not anymore.

The more I spent time with this young Chae Eun, the more I was in doubt. But this is the consequence of my deed. There was no way back. All I hope is for her not to hate me.

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A/N : Comments and critiques are welcome (: