Knock. Knock, knock.

The pattern of the knocks coming from the door stopped me in my dance. I was immediately able to recognize who is the one behind the door. From his signature knocks. It was exactly the same as the first time we met and hasn’t changed since then.

“Who is it?” I asked intentionally, standing right where I was. Instead of responding, he opened the door without permission and peeked his head in.

“Hi, sorry for intruding at this time in the night. I’m pretty sure you are busy training for your dance. I’m just gonna pick up some things I left behind if that’s alright with you?”

“Sure, please go ahead.” I played along, stepping a step backwards, inviting him in by swaying my hand yet failing to hide my smile.

He headed towards the mirror to pick up my bottle before walking to the corner of the room where my bag was placed.

“Oppa, what are you doing taking my bag? Aren’t you here to accompany me in my dance practice?”

“I’m here to pick you up. We had a date, remember?” He took my hand and led me out of the dance studio, turning off the lights and aircon before closing the door.

“No, I don’t?” I answered, confused. “Why? Is today a special day?”

 “It’s our second anniversary.”

“What are you going on about? What anniversary are you talking about? Oppa are you having a fever?” I took the liberty to feel his forehead to check if he was running a fever.

“Pabo, you are the one running a fever.” He gave a light push on my forehead with his finger. “How can you forget so easily.”

I adjusted my bangs. “Anyway, that was fun, the way you greeted me just like the way we first met each other.” Then I realized, it was the second year of our friendship that he was referring to. How four-dimensional can this guy be, to remember something as minor as that.

“Anyway, I’ll be the one paying. You have nothing to lose.”

“Fine, it better be fun.” I warned him playfully, appreciating his efforts nonetheless.

#

I glanced at my watch. Ten minutes to eleven. Tonight, the wind blew even more strongly than the previous nights. Winter is approaching. As much as I enjoyed the cool wind grazing my skin, I can’t wait for summer to come around again. I leaned over the railing in the balcony. I can’t wait for Chae Eun to get back home. Tonight, I missed her. That word make me shudder. I ought to kick it out of my thoughts.

The view from her bedroom’s balcony is spectacular, particularly in the night. That is something I have only noticed tonight. I spent the last thirty minutes creating melodies in my head, churning out a draft in my head as I whistle the tune. It’s hopeless without a piano though. Without a stage, without even a single audience. I miss that.

I surprised myself when my fingers begin to tread on air, hitting on imaginary keys, composing an unfamiliar melody, yet one close to my heart and appropriate for the night. A warm and positive feeling rose out of me. My composing skills have yet to turn rusty. I smiled wistfully. If only I had a studio right now. If only.

I was halfway into the chorus when I saw Haerin walking backwards turning into the front gate. Of course, I was happy to see her. Following at the back was Minjun, or should I say front. That was strange, she hadn’t mention anything about going out with Minjun when she left the house earlier this morning.

They looked like they were greeting each other goodbye. As she was about the close the gate, he stopped her by putting a hand against it and looked like he had something important to say. I have seen that look mixed with determination, nervousness and uncertainty somewhere before. In fact, I have personally experienced it. I am almost hundred percent sure of what he was planning to say and what he was going to do next.

And I was right.

I saw her fingers touching her lips as she headed for the house with what seemed like a puzzled look and a head filled with thoughts.

I was supposed to be happy for her. And I couldn’t.

#

As I reached my room, I slid down with my back against the bedroom door and hugged my knees against my chest. And sat there in silence. My head was in a whirl.

“Today, Minjun oppa brought me out for a movie. During the whole session, he kept looking over at me. I pretended I didn’t see it. My heart was beating so fast. So fast. I’m not sure if it was fluttering or I’m just uncomfortable and anxious because I could tell what was on his mind. And so, I’ve been thinking about whether I like him as a man or as a friend.”

I was waiting, waiting for a response. Any response.

“Nuneo-ie, I know you’re here. Come out will you? I have something to say to you.”

“Just now.. at the front door.. Minjun oppa.. kissed me on my lips. And asked m- he asked me if I wanted to date him.” I could hear my voice shaking. Am I acting this way because I’m afraid of dating him? Is this how liking someone is like?

“Do you?”

The word “No” immediately came to my mind when he responded. “Do you think I should?”

“It’s not something I should decide for you, Chae Eun ah.”

That wasn’t the answer I was hoping to hear.

“Do you think I should?” I asked again.

“He seems like a nice guy.”

“You are a nice guy too. So should we date?” A part of me said that out of spite. A bigger part of me really meant that, more than I think I would.

 “Okay, I will date him.” I didn’t want to hear what he has to say. I wanted, but chose not to. I knew I needed something. I was just unsure what it was. For all I know, Minjun might just be what I needed. What I needed to ignite the soul in me, to fill the missing part of me.

To fill the space I know Nuneo will never initiate to fill.

#

I watch her sit in the dark with her back against the bedroom door from the corner of the closet. I didn't understand why I felt the need to hide when I can simply get out of this place without her noticing. She didn’t speak until approximately fifteen minutes later, as if acknowledging my presence.

“Today, Minjun oppa brought me out for a movie. During the whole session, he kept looking over at me. I pretended I didn’t see it. My heart was beating so fast. So fast. I’m not sure if it was fluttering or I’m just uncomfortable and anxious because I could tell what was on his mind. And so, I’ve been thinking about whether I like him as a man or as a friend.”

Oppa. That word reminded me of our conversation a year ago.

-

 “Why have you never let me call you oppa? You are a guy too.”

I knew that question would surface and have always been afraid of its appearance. At that point of time, I recalled what she wrote in her diary. It wasn’t right, looking at the contents in her diary, I knew that. As much as I sound like I am making excuses for myself, her diary was left open the other night when she fell asleep on her desk. I saw the one paragraph her head failed to cover.

Although you’re someone who appear and disappear as and when you like.
Although you never grow old. Or become young, if that is even possible.
I’m not a naive little girl anymore.

“Nuneo isn’t your real name. Is it?” Her voice brought me out of my thoughts. I simply stared at her.

“Can I trust you?”

“Yes, you can. Trust me.” I said firmly. That was the only thing I could say.

-

“Nuneo-ie, I know you’re here. Come out will you? I have something to say to you.”

I came out of my hiding place. How she knew I was in the room was a mystery to me. 

“Just now.. at the front door.. Minjun oppa.. kissed me on my lips. And asked me, asked me if I wanted to date him.” Her voice was shaking, I noticed. 

“Do you?”

“Do you think I should?”

“It’s not something I should decide for you, Chae Eun ah.”

 “Do you think I should?” She asked again. I thought I heard desperation in her voice.

“He seems like a nice guy.” I managed to say.

“You are a nice guy too. So should we date?” Her eyes were fixed on mine. I never thought I would waiver. I wanted to reach out to her, to hold her and touch her, and keep her in my arms. But I couldn’t. I’d ruin everything. All over again.

“Okay, I will date him.”

It is time for me to disappear, I thought.