4.15PM, Chunju City

“We have now arrived at Chunju Bus Station, please take care of your belongings, and watch your step. We hope to see you again, have a pleasant journey. Thank you”

Upon hearing the announcer’s voice, DongHae jerked up from his seat and hurriedly walked towards the door. He bumped several people in the process but he didn’t bother to slow down his strides.

For the one whom I learnt to love,

I’m not sure you will ever listen to this, heck, I doubt you’ll ever press the play button.

Love. I wish I can say that freely to you and have you say it back to me.

He ran with all his might out of the station, looking for an available cab. He saw one and jumped into it. “Ajushssi, please, to this address, hurry.”

Like most of my actions, I just don’t know why I’m recording this. Like you’ll ever care anyway, but... I need to get it out of my system. I want to flush you out of my head but most of all; I want to erase you from my heart.

Because I’m so tired, I can’t –I refuse- to take this anymore.

DongHae leaned restlessly into his seat. His hand unconsciously rubbed his bruised jaw. It hurt but he knew better than anybody did, he deserved it.

This. Whatever this means to you, or means less to you. For me, this –the things between us- means the world. The world that engulfs all my being, my senses, and me as a whole.

Do you remember how this even happened? I doubt it.

DongHae rested his head on his car door, letting the cold breeze caress his face and hair. His heart beat madly against his ribcage, threatening to break into pieces.

DongHae, do you want to listen to a story? It is a story about how a small event led to another, just like a chain reaction. You don’t get it? Let me explain it to you, it is like when A crashed into a stop sign at a crossroad one day. The next day, B had an accident due to the lack of the sign and died. B’s family lost their father and the only breadwinner due to that. They suffer then.

Like that, simple, small things to others, lead to a bigger and severe events to another party.

Just like now, when I’m on the verge of breaking down when you did what you did to me. A simple, funny thing for you but it means life to me. Ironically, despite everything DongHae, I still can’t make myself hate you. I’m so angry, and I’m hurting, but I don’t hate you, weird isn’t it?

DongHae’s back straightened and he turned his gaze outside. Mount Worak stands mighty against the blazing sun. The magnificent view is unable to ease his weary heart now. All he knows is that he needs to be there as soon as possible.

I love you DongHae, more than anything in the world.

 I still do.

DongHae closed his eyes, thinking. “Pabo Hae, pabo.” His jaw clenched.

I still can remember exactly the first day that we met, about a year ago. I was a new transfer student and you were one of the members of the student body. You smiled sweetly at me and introduced yourself as Prince charming. Funny for you, but for me, at that time, I had already fallen for your charm.

You showed me around and lastly you brought me to my room, which coincidently was located just beside yours. I was beyond happy to know that.

We were good, you were good to me and, at least, I felt great. Things went so smoothly between us. Later on, I found out, you belonged to the ‘famous’ group at school, not to my surprise. Just look at you, you shine like the brightest star, anywhere you go.

Every single of DongHae’s neck muscles burnt as he over turned his head to catch a glimpse of WorakSan again.

“Magnificent, isn’t she?” The driver’s voice snapped DongHae’s head back to front. He nods a little at the man.

You and your friends. The ever so beautiful Jessica; some said she was your best friend, some said she was your girlfriend. The white skinned HeeChul, the boastful raccoon KangIn and that smiling boy KiBum.

Me, I made my bunch too. I love my friends; Kyu, Minnie, Wookie, and YeSung hyung, they’re the true friends that I always dreamt of.

And they love me back DongHae, not like you.

DongHae fidgeted in seat. His eyes stung from holding the tears that threatened to fall down. His windpipe constricted, making it hard him for to swallow, let alone breathe.

You always talked to me, acted all nice to me. Sometimes, you acted too nice and too sweet, it made my heart swoon more. Which is why I’m hurting more now.

You always acted too clingy to me. Wanted to go to school together, eat together and if I didn’t push you out of my bathroom, you even wanted us to bathe together. I might have acted annoyed back then, but the truth is; I was so happy with your treatment.

You opened up to me. You told me about your hometown, Mokpo, about your mother and DongHwa, your brother. Hell, you even let me talk to them several times on the phone. I started to love them as well. You even told me about your late father one night when we were preparing for our final exam.

“Young man, are you all right?” DongHae’s wet eyes met the other’s concerned ones in the rear mirror. The tears that he had been trying to hold finally rolled freely down his cheeks.    

You told me that you never revealed about your father to anyone except me. It made me feel special to you. You looked so sad sobbing like that while telling me that you missed him so bad. I hugged you tightly that night saying that I understand your feeling. Because I do. I really do understand. I told you, I also lost my appa, umma, and noona in a car accident, that’s why I transferred to your school because, except of my old grandfather, nobody can take care of me at home.

You stopped sobbing and looked at me in silence. You wiped the tears that I didn’t realize I had shed and pulled me into your strong arms instead. You put my head upon your shoulder and started to hum a lovely lullaby to me after a while. I felt comfortable, secured in your arms like that and I loved it.

We slept together in each other’s arms for the first time that night, and since then, you always end up sleeping in my bed.

I still wonder how you managed to act so good like that. I never suspected a thing until last night. You are such a talented actor, DongHae. Because at last I know, they were only lies, a show that you performed for your entertainment; a game for you.

“I’m not” DongHae’s voice came out as a soft whisper, mostly drown by the sound of the wind gushing in from the window. “I’m not all right at all”

Rumours about us started to peak up at school. They said you had being trying to court me from day one. Is that true? It’s not, is it? You, I, the whole school know the truth now.

I still remember, it was raining cats and dogs when you ‘confessed’ to me. We both were sharing one umbrella, heading back to the hostel. All the sudden, you held my hand tightly and halted your step. You looked nervous back then. My cold hand felt so comfortable in your warmed one.

You looked at me deep in the eyes and cleared your dry throat. Then you said those words. The three words plus the ‘will you be mine’ part. My heart stopped beating all together at that moment. My throat was stuffed by big lumps that made breathing difficult.

His tears become an unstoppable flood that blurred his vision. DongHae couldn’t hold them anymore. He let out all the frustration and his anger. His sobs eventually turned to be soundless cries. He leaned forward and buried his face in his hands.

I asked you, by God DongHae, I asked you, ‘Are you trying to pull my leg here?’ what did you answer back then DongHae? Do you still remember?

You got down on your knees, in that pouring rain. You looked at me in the eyes and guess what you did?

 You lied to me.

“Hyukkie” DongHae choked out between his sob. Concerned, the taxi driver pulled his car to the side of the road and opened DongHae’s passenger side door.

Not able to find my voice, in a daze, I just nodded at you. You looked so ecstatic at that time. You’re so convincing, you looked honest and I was blinded by you. You yelled and hugged me tightly in front of the school gate, witnessed by Jessica and others.

Why I didn’t see that setting back then? Yeah, I know, don’t answer that. I was blind. Blinded by my admiration and... love to you.

It was a mission success to you, but to me, a whole new world had begun. My heart beat and my lungs breathed just for you since then.

That’s why I feel like dying now.

“Anything I can help you with, son? Tell me, what can I do to make you feel better?” The old man gently patted DongHae’s bent back. With his face in his hands, DongHae shook his head. DongHae withdrew his hands and faced the man.

We were later on known as the lovey-dovey, sweet couple. In just 2 months, we were the most envied couple. We were perfect. I love the feeling of being with you.

Approaching our final days at school, my friends warned me about an alarming rumour that they heard. An informant from your ‘famous’ group accidently spilled out when he was drunk that you all placed a bet on how early you can bed me. I shrugged their warning off and ignored them. I even said that they’re just jealous of our relationship. I was convinced of your love to me. DongHae would not do that, I said.

Would you DongHae?

Now I know, you would. How much did my ity and first love cost them? I hope it cost more than just several cans of beers.

“Please Sir, just take me there, I need to be there immediately.” The kind-hearted taxi driver squeezed DongHae’s arm reassured him and nodded. He headed back to his driver’s seat and started the engine.

You chose the best day to reveal the truth. You choose to completely smash me out at our seniors’ prom night. You picked me up. As usual, you looked great in that tuxedo. Hell, you always look great. You smiled sweetly at me as usual, we held hands  and we just walked to the party, because you said it was more romantic that way.

We danced, we were- I was happy that night, everything was so perfect. We were perfect. Until they made the announcement of the best couple.

As expected, we were called to the stage. You held my hand and pulled me to the stage happily. The crowds cheered for us as if we were celebrities. However, what I didn’t expect was, the next couple was called. It was Jessica and you!

Jessica as beautiful as ever went onto the stage and smiled brightly. You happily laughed and went by her side and hugged her tight. The crowd became more chaotic at that. It was a great entertainment for them wasn’t it? Two people fighting for one man.

DongHae tried to calm himself down. He bit his fingers in order to silence his cries. His body started to rock back and fro in his seat.

I felt very uneasy at that time, but you… you looked perfectly fine, as if it was all normal for you. I knew something was going on, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. ‘What is it?’ my heart said. ‘Why?’ my heart asked.

 When Jessica and you were announced as the winners, you were so happy. You hugged Jessica and kissed her so sweetly on the stage as if I wasn’t even there. As if everything between us had never taken place. As if I...

I stood there, looking at both of you, forgetting to breathe like the idiot I am.

“Hyukkie... I’m so sorry”

The crowds went crazy at that, they even started to laugh at me because I must have looked like a clown on the stage, left dumbfounded like that. But I couldn’t care less about them, because the only thing that filled my view, my mind, all the fibers in my body, was the scene you both kissing. If it wasn’t for Kyu who dragged me down the stage, I’d probably still be standing there right now.

The driver glanced at DongHae several time, checking him from his rear mirror. His eyes brows knotted in sympathy, he shook his head at DongHae’s sorry state.

Now, that was fun wasn’t it?

So much fun for you but a death verdict for me.

Congratulations Lee DongHae, you killed me last night.

DongHae violently shook his head and clasped his mouth tight.

My friends urged me to get back to the hostel. They all went out of the hall and keep on pushing me to leave, but I stubbornly waited for you DongHae.

Why?

DongHae’s sobs escaped and with them, his tears flooded down again.

Because I needed your explanation.  I needed to know that you were only fooling around with that girl. I desperately needed to you to tell me that everything between us wasn’t a lie. It was real, not just a bad joke.

Later on, when you come out with your bunch of friends and with Jessica in your arms, I went there and confronted you. I asked you “Why?”

‘Because I’m a fool’

You just laughed at my face and for once, you told me the truth, “It was just for fun. We were bored” you didn’t even look straight at me while saying that, as if I was not worthy of your time anymore.

Bored. So I was just a toy for a group of bored people.

And to think that I love you DongHae.

“Hyukkie” DongHae’s voice cracked.

I didn’t remember what I said but the next thing I knew there was a burning pain that I felt on my cheek from where your hot palm connected to it.

Hurt.

I was so damn hurt back then and still am. It was not because of your slap, but mostly because - even after everything you done to me DongHae - I still love you.

I still love you even after you shoved me and walked away just like that. I still love you even after I know our lovemaking was just a lie. I even love you... just because.

My stupid heart is just stupid.

“Young man, we are here. That’s the temple you’d been looking for.” The taxi driver pulled his car to the side of the road while pointing to the temple’s entrance.

I don’t know how long I stayed there, on the ground like an idiot, until Kyu came and pulled me up. O thank God that He sent me the greatest person to be by my side.

DongHae lurched out of the cab and ran towards the entrance before coming back to the taxi and handing him the fees. He bowed deeply to the man and continued running towards the gate.

“Go and get your love back, son. Good luck”

You see DongHae, Kyu is such an opposite of you. While you love to ramble about anything and everything, he just silently stays there. In silence, he was, when he accompanied me to drink later on last night.

DongHae stood at the temple’s gate. Looking up to the hill, he can see hundreds of small staircases that separate him from his target.

“Hyukkie”

‘There’s no turning back, now’, with that, DongHae balled his hands into tight fists and started to climb the stairs.  

I drank like never before and I lost count at the 4^th bottle. I hoped the alcohol that I consumed would erase you from my mind, but to my misery, it only enhanced all our fake memories. You seemed to dominate my existence DongHae, and I have no energy to fight you back.

I’m such a fool.

He mounted the endless staircases towards the temple. His path is blurred by his tears, but he keeps on moving forward.

A foolish me staggered back to our hostel and ended at Kyu’s room. He knew that to separate us physically and mentally would help me at that moment. A genius isn’t he?

I was drunk, but not enough to forget everything that happened next. I clung to Kyu and started to kiss him mindlessly. I cried so hard, that I don’t even know why. Being a good person that he is, he stopped me and looked at me.

Feeling heavy, his lungs struggles to inhale oxygen. His overworked heart feels like bursting, but never once does he stop. He need to find HyukJae as soon as possible.

‘This is wrong’ he said, ‘we can’t do this’

I sobbed more like an idiot and held his face. ‘Let me forget,’ I pleaded, ‘Please, help me to forget’. I desperately need to forget you DongHae.

At last, he succumbed to my pleading, DongHae. He laid me down gently on his bed, and started to peel away my clothes, layer by layer. Both of us didn’t say anything. He focused on what he was doing and I focused- drowned in my own feelings.

“Hyukkie, please, wait for me”

It felt so different, DongHae. He was as gentle as you; he  didn’t force or hurt me while doing it, but why I felt so different? Was it this that you feel when you took me? Did you compare me to your real life lover, Jessica, as well?

‘No, Hyukkie. Never.’

When he started to kiss me, my heart raced, but not as wildly as when you kissed me. He moved languidly, and biting my skin, leaving moist, cold trails, not the hot ones you did. When he touched me at all the right spots, I felt pleasure, but why did I keep on wishing they were your hands instead?

‘A little bit more’ sweats mixed with tears wet DongHae’s face.

I closed my eyes tightly all the time Kyu and I did it. I can’t accept the bitter reality of someone else besides you on me. I was devastated DongHae, even when I was the one who asked for it. Why did it feel like it was to me? Tell me, tell me why, DongHae.

I was so confused.

By the time he reached the top of the hill, his knees gave in. He fell on the ground weeping audibly. He tried to get on his feet, but his wobbled joints were unable to support his weight.

When all of sudden, I didn’t feel his hands or lips or tongue on me for a several moment, I started to open my eyes, meeting his sorrowful ones. I touched his wet cheek asked, ‘Why? Am I not desire full enough?’

He just stared back at me and kissed my forehead before he held me in a tight embrace. Neither of us said or did anything else after that. There’s a lot of things I don’t understand DongHae, but one thing for sure, at that time, I feel loved.

A true love that you’ll never give me.

Breathless out of frustration and exhaustion, he hung his head low. DongHae punched the ground several times, causing his hand to bleed. He was so frustrated at his weakness.

When I opened my eyes again, early this morning, I was still in his loving arms. He was looking at me in silence. When I started to pick up my clothes and put them back, he didn’t even stop me or hold me back. When I started to walk towards the door, ‘When will I see you again’ he asked.

I didn’t answer his question, but I said ‘I love you’ to him instead. As I closed the door, I faintly heard him say,’ not as much as you love DongHae’.

There won’t be any other then you. I don’t think I will able to love anybody else as much as I love you DongHae.

“Amithaba..”

A warm hand touched his shoulder and DongHae wearily looked at the stranger. An old monk with a concerned look plastered on his face is looking back at him.

I was never a man good with words. I didn’t even say ‘I love you’ enough when we were together. But, I tell you DongHae, every breath, every beat that my heart made; it chanted your name with it. I’m just a body without soul if I can’t be with you. That’s how much you made me love you, DongHae.

Crying out loud, DongHae looked at the man’s face. “Help me.’”

So, now, after everything is said and done, I rest my case here.

DongHae reached out for the old man and squeezed his hand hard.

“HyukJae! I need to find him”  

It’s time for me to vanish forever from your perfect life, DongHae. Be happy with your loved ones. Don’t worry about me, heh, funny, why would you worry over a boy toy like me? Delusional me.

I’ll treasure our time together, DongHae, even though they were just a game for you. I’ll treasure them forever.

I’ll be hurt. I’ll be in pain and I’ll feel like . But I’ll endure it. I’ll survive. I survived the car crash; I survived when my family left me. I’ll survive you. I’ll get over you. It will take time, but I’ll survive this.

“Please, take me to him, I’m begging you sir.”

Bye DongHae,

Thank you for breaking my heart.

 -White noise-