He didn’t send me roses.  Seung Hyun had no idea what I was talking about.  He said I was tired and that’s why I was asking all the questions last week.  That wasn’t true.  Well, I was tired, but I knew what I was talking about.  I knew he didn’t know anything about me.  I knew he didn’t care to learn any of it.  But I didn’t care.  I liked him.  I was ready to fall in love with him.  Why?  Because he called me.  Because he took me out.  Because he wanted me.  Because he texted me when he had excess energy to burn off.  Because he would always leave in the morning before I woke up, even if I was at his place.  That wasn’t a reason.

            I sighed and stretched my arm out and smoothed down the sheet on the cool side of the bed.  He’d left early.  I was here.  In his bed, but he wasn’t.  No, I was wrong.  He must care about me at least a tiny bit because he wouldn’t want to sleep with someone he couldn’t stand.  Maybe this was his lack of an ability to show emotions coming through.

            It was Sunday morning.  I had no plans and no one expected me anywhere.  I lay flat on his bed, thinking of what could be so wrong with me that I needed to keep doing this over and over with a guy who was only interested in hooking up.  I couldn’t make it stop.  Deep down, I almost didn’t even want to.

            A few minutes later, I heard footsteps coming towards the room.  I couldn’t get my limbs to move fast enough to get out the window and I ended up stuffing myself under his bed.

            From the crack under the bed, I watched the door swing open and sock covered feet came shuffling in.  The feet slowed and the door swung shut.  The feet strolled over to the side of the bed.  I rested my cheek onto the cool hardwood floor, not making a move from my hiding place.  The feet moved around a little more.  They went to the window and then back to the bed.  And then stopped.

            Knees dropped to the floor.  A hand put a glass of something on the floor closer to where the bed touched the wall.  I watched, wide eyed with horror, as palms hit the floor and the owner of the feet lowered himself onto his stomach, stretching out flat on the floor.

            “Hey.”

            “Hi,” I replied, feeling my face grow hot.

            “Seung Hyun hyung had a photo shoot with Ji Yong this morning.”

            “Ok.”

            “Thirsty?” he asked, sliding the glass slowly under the bed, closer to my head.  I didn’t touch it, but I stared at the purple liquid in the glass.

            “Grape juice?  That’s my favorite.”

            He locked my eyes in his.  “I know.  You used to drink it at school all the time.  Hyung told me to bring it to you before he left.”

            I scoffed.  “No, he didn’t.  He doesn’t know my favorite drink.”  He didn’t say anything.  “What are you doing here, Young Bae?  Why are you being nice to me like this?”

            “I just…thought you would be thirsty.  Are you hungry?” he asked, placing his cheek on the floor copying my position.

            “No, thank you.”

            “Are you ok?  Why are you hiding under there?” he asked, softly.

            “I heard someone coming down the hall.  I didn’t have time to escape, so I hid.  I didn’t want anyone to find me.  How did you know I was under here?”

            He smiled a half smile.  “Just a guess.  I saw it in a movie once.”

            “You know, me and Seung Hyun…it isn’t what you think.”  I wasn’t sure why I was saying this.  I just felt like I needed him to know whatever it was going on in my head at that moment.

            “I don’t think it’s anything,” he replied, looking away from me.

            “It isn’t.  No, it is, but it’s…”

            “Do you love him?” he interrupted.  His voice had a desperate undertone to it.

            “No,” I blurted out.  “Wait.  Maybe, I don’t know.”  No, I really didn’t love him or care about him.  It was the that was blinding me.  I only thought I cared about him because of the intimacy we had together.  Yes, that was it.  Definitely.  Or I was crazy.  Either way.

            “What do you feel for him then?” he prodded.  He was getting impatient and angry.

            I sighed.  “No.  I don’t love him.  I don’t feel anything for him.”

            "I don't understand, if you don't feel anything for him, why do you keep hooking up with him?"

            I hesitated.  "It doesn't mean anything.  It's just fun."

            "Yeah?  How does it feel now?" he asked in a low voice.

            Like crap, I thought.  "I'm fine.  Why do you care so much?"

            His hands balled into fists.  I'd never seen him so angry before.

            "You're not fine.  This has gotten completely out of control." 

            "No. It. Hasn't.  This is no strings attached.  I don't care about him..." I stopped.  All of those words tasted funny.  I blinked slowly.  "And he doesn't care about me.  We're just having fun.  Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

            He scoffed.  "Because you could have the same fun with me, but the difference is, I actually do care about you."

            “Young Bae…”

            “No, just wait a second.  I get it, ok?  I really do.  Hyung is attractive.  He’s smooth.  He knows just what to say to girls.  He could get anyone he wanted, but he doesn’t know how to treat them because he’s just in it to have a good time.  He’s my best friend.  I would do anything for any one of those guys, but he’s not looking for a relationship.  He’s only looking for fun.  You deserve better than that.”

            “I know, that’s-”

            “Just wait,” he cut me off.  He lifted his head and put his arm underneath to prop it up a little.  “I know what you’re thinking.  I’ve never had a girlfriend.  Before Big Bang, I would never talk to girls.  My first kiss was acting in a music video.  I know all that, but I understand some things.  If you care about her, you should show her.  Make her feel good…” he paused, blushing fiercely.  “Um, compliment her, I mean.  Remember things about her.  Show her you think about her.”  He reached out and touched the hand I’d left flat on the floor in front of me.  “Hyung doesn’t know a good thing when it’s right in front of his face.”

            I remembered my conversation with Mrs. Kim.  That was like what she had said.

            And then something else occurred to me.

            “Young Bae,” I whispered looking from his hand on mine back to his eyes.  “You’re the one sending me the roses, aren’t you?”

            “Yes, it’s me,” he admitted.

            “Why didn’t you tell me?”

             “I don’t know.  I was either trying to help or get you to look at me.  I’m not sure.”  He sighed and rolled onto his back.  Staring up at the ceiling, he continued, “You would either think they were from hyung and he would go with it.  Then you two could fix things in your relationship.  Make it a better one for both of you.  If not that, then you’d figure out it wasn’t him sending them.  That it was me.”

            “Which were you hoping for?” I asked curiously.

            He placed his hands flat on his stomach.  I could see his toned muscles through his fitted tee shirt.  He drummed his fingers on his body.  He turned his head to look me in the eye again.  “Whichever one made you happy,” he confessed.  My fingers itched to touch him, but I was paralyzed.  I wanted to grab his hand.  I was trapped inside my own body under Seung Hyun’s stupid bed.

            It was like an explosion when the message my brain was sending to the rest of my body finally reached my joints.  I pushed myself out from under the bed.  By the time I’d climbed over it to the other side where Young Bae had been lying, he was already standing.

            “I-I have to go,” I stuttered.  I sidestepped him and tried to bolt for the window when I felt my wrist get caught on something nearly knocking me to the floor when my momentum was stopped.  I was whirled back around to face Young Bae.  He was still holding my wrist.  We were nearly the same height.  He had only about an inch on me.  I lowered my head, dropping my eyes to the floor.  He leaned his weight forward a fraction of an inch until his lips met my forehead.  My shoulders sagged when he pulled away.  He let go of my wrist and I bolted.

            I ran the entire way home.  I was drenched in sweat by the time I reached the front gates.  Rather than wait for the security guard to open the gate, I scaled it.  I was sure he’d tell my parents later that I’d been possessed by something that made me leap like Spiderman over the front gate.

            Taking the stairs two at a time, I ran straight for the bathroom to take a shower.  I stripped down and turned the water only on hot.  I barely felt it when it scalded my skin.  I stood in there until the water ran cold.  I sang the National Anthem quietly to myself to keep my brain occupied.  I needed time when my brain wasn’t thinking of boys or finals or people or my stupid self.  How stupid could I be to let what I was doing with Seung Hyun get so out of hand.  How stupid could he be to think he could do this with a girl and have her not get emotionally attached to him.  To his voice.  To his eyes.  To everything about him.

            After my lips turned blue and my teeth were chattering, I turned off the water.  I’d gotten dressed and went back downstairs.  Making my escape, Mrs. Kim caught me.

            “Going out, Amara?” she asked casually as she dusted the bookcase in the living room.

            “Yes.  I’ll be back later.  Did my parents call or something?” I asked.

            She paused her dusting.  “No, but they are working today.  Another conference call, I believe.  Will you be home for dinner?”

            “Yes.”

            “See you later, then.”  She resumed her dusting.

            “Mrs. Kim?” I began.  She paused on the shelf she’d started and looked at me.  “He didn’t even know my favorite color.”

            She pressed her lips together.  “I told you not to settle, Amara.”

            “I know, so I’m going to fix it.  I’m going to fix him, too.”

            “Good,” she nodded.  “You deserve a nice boy.  One who knows the little things about you.”

            “I know that.  Thanks, Mrs. Kim.”

            She smiled and went back to her dusting.

            I ran out the door.

            I didn’t know where Seung Hyun and Ji Yong were doing there photo shoot, but I knew they’d have to come back to the dorm eventually.  I didn’t want anyone to see me, so I’d take the fire escape up to his room and wait there.  I wasn’t sure if it was an hour or three before I heard footsteps the first time, but another door opened and closed.  The second set of footsteps I heard led to the room I was in.  I was waiting for him in the dark, like usual. 

            Seung Hyun opened his door and flicked on the light.  After ing his shirt, he noticed me, sitting cross legged on his bed.  A wide smirk played on his lips.  “Hey.”

            “Hi.”

            He let his shirt slip off his shoulders as he made his way over to the bed.  “Nice surprise.”

            “That’s what you think,” I smirked.  He knelt down on the bed in front of me and kissed me.  I didn’t move.  It took him a second to realize I hadn’t opened my mouth and I wasn’t kissing back.  He pulled back and looked at me oddly.

            “What’s up?” he asked, sitting back on his legs.

            “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”  The sigh he let out made him look deflated.

            “I don’t want one,” he answered simply.

            “What am I to you then?”  I crossed my arms over my chest.

            He looked away from me and cracked his neck.  “Ah,” he sounded.  “I don’t know, my friend?”

            “Do you sleep with all your friends?”

            He tried to laugh, but couldn’t.  “No, just you.  You know that.”

            “What do you think about when you sleep with me?”

            “Amara…”

            “Do you think about other girls?  Do you think about me?”

            “What is this?” he asked, clearly getting frustrated.  “I don’t think about anything.  It’s just .  It feels good.  You feel good.  I feel good.  That’s it.  Why does it have to be anything more?”

            I scoffed.  “Do you know how it feels to know that I’m not good enough to be anything more to you than just something that gets you off?” I asked in low, monotone voice.  He opened his mouth, but I shook my head.  “You might be able to separate and love, but I think with my brain.  I can’t separate them.  If you had just once shown me you cared at all about me rather than just doing me, I would have fallen completely in love with you, but you never wanted that.”

            “I thought we agreed this would be a ‘no strings attached’ situation,” he said in almost a whisper.

            “We did, but it’s impossible.  I can’t do it.  I can’t handle letting you mess with me like this anymore.”  He eyed me with an expression I’d never seen on his face before.

            “You’re really hurt by this, aren’t you?”  Slowly, I nodded.  “I’m sorry.  I just thought…well, I didn’t actually, but I never thought it would affect you badly.”

            I sighed, content.  “Thank you.  If you had said anything arrogant, I was going to slap you in the mouth.”  He chuckled, but I saw him edge back farther from me.

            I got up off his bed and he followed.  “Seung Hyun, I hope you meet a girl that gets you to think with your brain.”

            “I never meant to hurt you, you know.”  I nodded.

            “You know, it was Young Bae who sent me the roses,” I informed him.

            He raised his eyebrows.  “Little Tae Yang’s got skills,” he murmured to himself.

            “Goodbye, Seung Hyun,” I said sticking my hand out for him to shake.  He arched an eyebrow at me and pushed my arm aside before pulling me in for a hug.  He looked sheepish and embarrassed when he pulled away.

            “Young Bae’s a good guy,” he told me.

            “He said the same thing about you.”

            I climbed out his open window onto the fire escape and reached back in to close the curtains.  I leaned against the side of the building for a moment.  I expected to feel sad for ending it, but I didn’t.  In fact, I felt better.  I thought of how I would feel if I heard Seung Hyun got himself a girlfriend later on.  There was no jealousy.  No twinges of sadness or regret.  I looked to the left.  That window was open.  I crept over and peeked through.