Youngjae immediately pushed past his bandmates, running to his room. Just as his hand touched the handle, he threw himself sideways, locking himself in the bathroom. The dorm only had one bedroom, and he’d be damned if he had to stare at Daehyun’s bed while he moped. The members could water a pot plant for all he cared at this moment. He flung the toilet lid down and sat on it, drawing his knees to his chest as he gently rocked back and forth.

It couldn’t be happening to him. He was still a rookie, there hadn’t been time for something like this to develop. He’d been pressing the back of his fingers to his throat more lately. Initially he’d used the method as a way to stimulate his vocal cords, but now it was a method to get rid of that feeling that something was stuck between his cords. It will go away tomorrow, he silently told himself, the hoarseness will go away tomorrow and they can all go back to practice.

He opened his mouth to tell himself it out loud because he need to the reassurance. All that formed as a scratchy “Ah.” He blinked his eyes rapidly.

In the end, Himchan coaxed Youngjae out of the bathroom and ordered him to eat. He found he could digest little, settling his chopsticks beside his bowl still full of rice, head bowed.

“Yongguk has already phoned the company. Daehyun-ah’s taking you to the doctors tomorrow.”

Youngjae snapped his head up and reached out, clinging to Himchan’s shirt. He violently shook his head, pleading with Himchan through his eyes.

“You don’t want Daehyun-ah to go?”

Youngjae shook his head. Bringing his hand up, he poked Himchan’s chest.

“You want me to go?”

Nodding at Himchan’s confused face, he silently mouthed, “Please.”

“Of course, I’m happy to, but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want Daehyun-ah to go with you.”

Youngjae didn’t know either, opting to bury his head in Himchan’s chest instead. He stayed like that, in the visual’s embrace, just soaking up the comfort the older seemed to emit.

*

“I’m sorry, Youngjae-ssi, but the best is for you to rest your vocals,” the doctor said gently, holding Youngjae’s gaze. “It happens to professional singers such as yourself. Vocal nodules aren’t at all rare in the industry.”

“For how long do you recommend?” Himchan asks from beside Youngjae, and when the doctor fixes her gaze onto Himchan, Youngjae let’s his slip to his fingers lying limply in his lap.

“I recommend at the very least one week and at the bare minimum usage of his voice. In favourable circumstances, I would’ve recommended two to three weeks, but as I understand your work prevents you from resting your vocals entirely. Even if Youngjae-ssi’s voice comes back in the next few days, the nodules would not have disappeared.

“Do you understand, Youngjae-ssi?” The doctor’s voice was soft. “I have a child, just like you. He loves his violin. When he tripped and broke his fingers, he was devastated. But things pass, we move on. He learnt to better appreciate his hands and not just the instrument. The nodules will be gone, I assure you. It’s not a severe case at all.”

Youngjae nodded obediently, feeling Himchan tug on his hands telling him to stand up. After thanking the doctor, they made their way to the studio, taking up their positions in the new dance they were practicing. They worked hard for a long while, the concept of time blurring with their exhaustion to the point where they couldn’t even remember how many minutes were in an hour.

“Youngjae, do you want a drink?” Daehyun sidled up to him, sweat dripping down the side of his face.

He hadn’t even realised that he had been eyeing the water dispenser in the corner of the practice room. He nodded, bewildered that Daehyun had even noticed.

“Yongguk-hyung! Can we stop for a moment? I think Youngjae is thirsty.”

Yongguk nodded his okay and the whole band collapsed to the ground.

The week was spent like that, Daehyun paying attention to every little movement Youngjae made, even unconscious actions that Youngjae never knew he made. Are you cold? Are you hungry? You’re tired, aren’t you? Subtle changing of the topic when Youngjae was uncomfortable. It was as if without his voice, Youngjae was louder than ever, deafening in a room full of conversation, which was a contradiction that confused Youngjae. He should be disappearing, shoved into a corner, the only feature that could barely recommend him gone.

He was just baggage. A pity case.

Daehyun had stopped singing, Youngjae realised. Usually when the TV was on and music blasted through the dorm, Daehyun would be singing while Junhong and Jongup would improvise a dance in front of the screen and the two oldest hyungs would be jumping up and down, cheering like children behind the couch. Usually at moments like these, Youngjae would sing along for a line, then fall into a heap of laughter at Jongup’s ridiculous dancing, everyone falling into the pit of happiness right after him.

Now Daehyun sat, silent at his end of the couch, and the playfulness slowly draining from the two maknaes, leaving only Himchan trying to brighten the atmosphere. Eventually Yongguk placed a gentle hand on Himchan and the visual dropped his arms, his face grim too.

Abruptly Youngjae stood up. He couldn’t take it. Maybe there was a reason that JYP never debuted him. He left the living room, seeking refuge in the bedroom, lying flat on his back, staring at the wooden planks that ran across the bottom of the top bunk. There were gentle swirls and waves in the wood, a soothing pattern that imitated the waves of the sea as they lapped the shore. A foreign sense of calm.

The door creaked open, revealing Himchan standing at the door way. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Youngjae whispered, the edge of hoarseness slipping away after a week. “I’m fine.”

“If you need anything, just ask.”

Youngjae nodded, his gaze transfixed and lost amongst the woody waves. Himchan stood by the door for a little longer, Youngjae could feel the elder’s gaze upon him, but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge it. After a few moments, the door clicked.

Eventually Youngjae fell asleep to the sounds of the ocean that his mind had conjured up, waking to Daehyun shaking him, telling him it’s his turn to shower.