“Could you sing a little for us?” The emcee asked.

Youngjae watched as Daehyun smiled shyly, readying his vocals. He delivered two lines from the new album, but those two were enough to have the emcee-noona gasping in awe and showering him in praise. “Daehyun-ssi’s voice is soft and expressive but has a lot of power behind it! It’s a very nice voice, no wonder you were recruited and became a band-member! Your looks aren’t just for show! Haha.” Daehyun ducked his head, shielding his face so that Youngjae couldn’t see his expression. He clapped with the others, smiling from his end of the couch.

“Youngjae-ssi, you’re also listed as B.A.P’s lead vocal.” The emcee turned to him, smiling widely in anticipation. “Is there any difference in the roles that you and Daehyun-ssi play in the band?”

He glanced up the couch for a free microphone, and found it in Himchan’s hands. Normally he’d be a microphone hogger, battling it out with Himchan, but today he’d woken up late. By a bizarre chain of events that involved his band-mates ignoring him, he’d been settled at the very end of the couch without a microphone.

“I’m not very clear about our roles,” he replied once he had the microphone in hand, looking at Daehyun for some help. “Usually it’s listed as a main vocal and a lead vocal, but we’re both lead vocals. It’s a little confusing for us too.”

“Could you also show us your singing?”

Youngjae smiled. “Of course.” He pressed the back of his fingers to his throat, picked a random song from his mental playlist and sang.

“Youngjae-ssi also has a nice voice.” The emcee clapped politely. “Could someone introduce the concept of the new album?”

As Yongguk started to explain, Youngjae pressed the microphone into a surprised Jongup’s hand. He smiled at the younger in what he hoped was an encouraging manner. He didn’t miss the lack of enthusiasm or the lack of praise. Just a neat ‘nice’.

*

It was rare to have the studio to himself. Actually it was their day off, promised to them by their managers if they could complete the interview successfully. Perhaps his body was used to waking up at the crack of dawn despite being the lazy one of the group, but he left the dorm only ten minutes later than if he had a schedule, leaving a note to reassure Himchan when the ‘mother’ woke up. His feet traced the most familiar path, waiting at the bus stop, leading him to the studio.

It was big but a little dry in terms of the quality of resonance. It wasn’t soundproofed, but everyone who worked in the building was used to the noise filtering into the corridor. He sat by the stereo, leaning against the cool wall and facing the mirrors. For someone who was supposedly photogenic, he wasn’t a beautiful sight. His puffy cheeks messed around with his bone structure to create a face that wasn’t at all pretty, a little of an eyesore in his opinion. He was soft and pudgy unlike Jongup or Yongguk, the food he ate showing around his waist, unlike Daehyun whose food disappeared to God only knows where.

Looks wasn’t something he could change, unless he went under the knife, but he had promised his family that he wouldn’t for the sake of their peace of mind, that he wouldn’t be negatively affected by the industry, that he would still be the Yoo Youngjae they raised.

Singing, however, could be developed.

Someone had once said to him, “Everyone can sing, it’s only a matter of whether or not you sound good.” He had thought he fell in the latter category, especially when he won the JYP contest, but against Daehyun? Against Daehyun he may as well can’t sing.

Daehyun’s range was amazing, from the low notes to the high, even mastering falsetto. His vibrato was controlled, yet expressive, not tight or restrained in anyway, but just right. Despite being high, it had power and depth, yet Daehyun could modulate it to a soft delicateness that left fan girls and noonas breathless. In contrast, Youngjae’s voice was raspy, limited in its range, leaving anyone listening just politely nodding their head and saying, “It’s nice.”

Youngjae unplugged his iPod from the headphones and hooked it up with the stereo. He set it on repeat and shuffle, closing his eyes as the first notes washed over him.

And he sang. He sang every song without break. He ignored the rumbling of his stomach that escalated into violent protest, ignored the stiffness of his limbs for staying in one position for so long. Without fail his voice would weaken and sometimes crack when the high notes sailed along, without fail his voice would slide off, unable to contain the vibrato, without fail his voice would remain flat, as expressive as a dead doornail. Even when he wanted to scream out his frustrations, it would remain without emotion, only cracking, breaking, falling to the ground in a cascade of tiny pieces.

And he sang. As the hour hand slowly made its way around the clock face, he continued to sing. When his voice started to gain a hoarse texture, he continued to sing. Even as it was reduced to a mere whisper, he continued to mouth the words to the songs blasting from the stereo.

Without a purpose in life, he continued to sing.

*

“Youngjae-ssi!”

Startled, Youngjae opened his eyes.

“I thought it was your day off?”

Youngjae nodded at the woman standing in the doorway to the studio. He remembered her, she was the stylist who showed him around the first day he stepped foot into TS. She had giggled at his bowing, calling him “cute and very polite”. He also remembered that she had shown Daehyun around, and she came back laughing at his Busan accent, but also swooning over how handsome the new member was.

“You should head back to your dorm. It’ll be dinner time when you get back.”

Surprised, he glanced at the clock noting the hour hand pointing past five. Amazingly, he wasn’t hungry, or he was so hungry he couldn’t feel it. He quickly shut the stereo off, unhooking his iPod.

“You should’ve rested today, Youngjae-ssi. It’s a once in a blue moon chance that idols like you get to rest, you shouldn’t have wasted it.”

He grinned sheepishly at the stylist, ducking his head at the chastisement, before making his way out of the building, forgoing the bus and opting to walk the long distance back to the dorm.

When he reached it, he could already smell the delicious cooking of Himchan, prompting his stomach to whine pathetically. When the door was ripped open, he thought that it was loud enough to travel through the wall. Junhong stood there, his eyes travelling up and down Youngjae’s body searchingly, though for what Youngjae couldn’t begin to fathom.

“Hyung! Where have you been? Everyone was worried sick, especially Himchan-hyung!”

Thudding of footsteps followed the maknae’s outburst, everyone gathering at the door. Daehyun pushed past Junhong, wrapping a stunned Youngjae into a brief, but bone crushing hug, before stepping back, his hands still on Youngjae’s shoulders. The younger was perturbed when Daehyun also ran his eyes down his body.

“Is he hurt?” came Himchan’s worried voice as the visual pushed Yongguk roughly to the side.

“No.” Daehyun slipped one hand under Youngjae’s arm and pulled him into the dorm, kicking the door shut.

Himchan’s sigh of relief only lasted a mere millisecond before it was replaced with anger. “Youngjae-ah, you idiot! Do you know how worried we were when you left with only a flimsy piece of paper as a ‘by the by’? We tried to call you, but you didn’t even bring your phone with you! You could’ve been harmed! Kidnapped or worse.” Youngjae wanted to tell the elder that he was overreacting, watching as the visual flung his arms around at the supposed gravity of the situation. “You’re an idol now, a celebrity, and with such a title comes great responsibility! Where have you been?”

Youngjae opened his mouth to answer. His eyes widened. Only a soft sound like sandpaper scratching wood passed between his lips. Everyone stared back at him, just as shocked. He swallowed and his lips, wetting them for a second attempt. He wanted to tell them that he hadn’t been doing anything, no skateboarding like Junhong, no dangerous, potentially-bone-fracturing break dancing like Jongup—just sitting all day. All that came out was a desperate “Ah.”

As a vocalist, Daehyun was staring at him in horror.

Youngjae had lost his voice.