I have lived a routinely life, followed self-set rules that I never broke, my life has been organized at the same time it has become disorganized. Everything has been silly. My life has been a musical carefully written out with details and dialogue. Everything has been set up.

Hebe told me before some time 12 years ago that she loved how orderly and perfect my life was. My parents were successful with their careers and raked in endless amounts of money. Every week I would be handed an allowance and told to go out to play, to do anything I wanted with it. I was always urged to do what I wanted.

Hebe was wrong.

Perfection doesn’t mean everything is well. It doesn’t mean I have whatever I want and that everything I dream of is in my hands. I don’t know what would have been her definition of perfection, but mine would be something like an illusion particularly made up.

It isn’t surprising that my family even looked great among my relatives. I don’t know my parents’ histories so I have no understanding of how we have this image; how I was brought up with this image. In my perfect sanctuary I feel cold and empty. My parents dote on me, but everything feels robotic as if there had been a system set in them which told them to hug me at this certain time of day, every day of the year.

My parents don’t fight often like the other kids' parents I know. They are lovey-dovey, but it looks like a show. Their faces become expressionless by night time, yet if I cry from my room they would come running. Being in their embrace feels cold. It feels like they have no sincerity. Or maybe this is just my own illusion, but no one would ever know.

My parents don’t feel like parents and I have never felt like I’ve been sincerely loved by them. Maybe because I feel like this I have never asked them about anything personal. If I worried about my period, I would ask my girlfriends. My friends had been the source for everything and that was how I became acquainted with the other six.

Hebe was sweet, cunning, and talented. Xiumin was the cute, shy boy. Luhan was outgoing and never feared acting on impulse. He was very pretty. Nana was the tall girl who had a figure many of us envy. She never understood the heights of her own beauty until she was picked up on the streets and told to model for a famous agency. Byun Jae Hwa imminently touched my heart the moment I saw her. Her smile was the prettiest I’ve seen, even prettier than Nana’s. I envied her to no end. She had a kindness I felt stiff about showing and radiated a contagious happiness. I really envied her.

And then…there was the cool kid, Kris. Tall, sharp, smart, and he looked like a snotty bully. I had a different relationship with him. My first impression of him was he was handsome and opposite of his appearance. Kris was very kind, sensitive, and approached me first with a smile saying, “Hi. I’m Kris. What’s your name?”

I liked his voice. Something about it was just so comforting. We became immediate friends and it was he who brought me to the others. After Byun Jae Hwa’s death there was less laughter, no happiness. And I felt different. There was no idol to look up to, no girlfriend to go to. Hebe left school and Nana rarely came because of her modeling job. So I was left, it was empty and sad.

Jae Hwa’s death left a different impact on me. Unlike the others who cried sincerely, I felt like I cried because I lost a hope I could no longer touch. And maybe…I felt like I betrayed Jae Hwa somewhat.

At 16 years old I lacked any form of comfort. I turned my friends into my comfort. We laughed, we cried, and we always…we were always together. Being with them gave me a life I never had. This kind of happiness was so new and refreshing. It was naïve of me to think I’d never lose it.

It is as they say, happiness comes and leaves quickly…just like love.

What do I mean by saying that I felt like I betrayed Jae Hwa? Kris and I weren’t just friends. We met secretly, we dated secretly. He was my most complete form of a fluffy teddy bear that I hugged freely and asked for comfort from. We never told anyone about ‘us’. So in fact, I do feel a little guilty for having lied to our beloved Jae Hwa. But there had been a rift we never spoke about.  

Nana liked Kris even if he didn’t seem to waver around her, but he just appeared so handsome when he was with her. I felt loose and afraid about losing my most complete form of comfort. Maybe…that was why I started wavering toward Luhan and Byun Jae Hwa just managed to misinterpret everything. In her eyes, Nana and Kris were a couple, and I had a crush on Luhan.

There was one day when she’d tried to get us together and it just ended so awkwardly I felt a little guilty. Her death left a lot of loose ends that had never been repaired – no one cared to repair. To this day I wouldn’t be surprised if the others are still confused about it all.

Jae Hwa left without knowing anything. And maybe this is the real truth about why I feel bad. Now that I’m drinking alone, I’m wondering if I had ever been sincere about any of the friends I had at all. Perhaps I used them all just to make me feel better.