I really envy Xiumin. The reason is simple. The beautiful Byun Jae Hwa liked him. Either he was just an airhead or he was really dumb, he never saw it. How she stole little glances at him every now and then when our gang was together, and when she gave him homemade chocolate for Valentine’s Day made my body tingle with jealousy. He would never understand how painful it was to see such things. He wouldn’t know that I’ve held back so long. Boy, would he be surprised when he found out I always wished I was him.

They’re all gone now; Xiumin, Kris, Namjoo, Nana, Hebe, and Jae Hwa…

My beautiful Jae Hwa died so sadly. And everyone else just left.

My heart hurts when I think about how she had been killed. It hurts even more when I know I never told her about my feelings. It hurts the most when I remember that she never liked me, but Xiumin.

Our friendship, the seven of us, had been the most beautiful and most painful. Without even a farewell, without even waving to us, without even smiling toward us she left without a note, without a word.

It’s silly to brood over a girl for 12 long years, but I can’t help it. I really liked her, I still like her even after all this time. Jae Hwa was the center of my life. I don’t know how the others are, but I’m sure they’ve all moved on.

Hebe, who was always saddened by something, left with just a simple ‘Goodbye’. We never heard from her again.

Nana had been next in line to leave. Her job seemed to have held much more importance to her than us, her friends. During the rest of the school year none of us saw her, she didn’t come to a single class.

Back then every once in a while I would see Namjoo staring off into the distance. Her eyes were expressionless, cold, forlorn, and lost. She looked so lonely, our humble Namjoo. I would catch her looking at Nana’s empty desk and Hebe’s abandoned seat. I could only imagine how sad she must have felt, but she never showed it.

Namjoo once talked to me about how cold and empty she felt. I didn’t take her seriously. Now that I’m recalling her words I regret not listening to her well enough. She must have been struggling by herself. Humble Namjoo must have had such a depressing hard time all alone. Honestly, I have to be surprised she didn’t resort to suicide.

Did she find her way out of her miseries? Is she ok now?

Namjoo…was a pretty, smart, and respectful girl. When Jae Hwa whispered to me that Namjoo had a crush on me I had no idea what I felt then. I was confident I was a little disappointed that Jae Hwa was pushing me off to another girl so cluelessly. It felt like she had ignored my feelings even when it felt like she knew what my feelings were.

Had that been her way of pushing me off her back?

Maybe…maybe I should have done it. Then I wouldn’t be so lonely. My life wouldn’t be in the dark. If I had taken the chance to ask Namjoo out maybe I might be happier right now. There are so many possibilities that I have even the slightest headache from thinking all of this.

But I know that I am not the most unhappy. Xiumin had been dead and soulless after the news. When Jae Hwa died, when her casket had been lowered, his face stilled. I didn’t see him cry. I wondered if he ever did cry at all.    

How is he now, the Xiumin that my beautiful Jae Hwa liked so much?