somewhere in between baekhyun’s lessening contact with luhan, his father brought him to a basketball match where his friend’s son was playing. huang zitao was a year younger and half a head taller than him (how, baekhyun had gaped). he was also baekhyun’s junior at university who currently majored in information technology. he…was also in their university’s basketball team and everyone knew baekhyun was a er for basketball players.

before, baekhyun always only saw him from afar – at practices after university hours or in the lounge at lunchtime. but seeing him up close made baekhyun’s heart stutter as he hadn’t noticed how good-looking zitao was (well, he was mainly focusing on his height…and maybe his play on the court, though mainly his height). they never talked before, which forced yixing to side-eye him before elbowing his ribs.

huang zitao was a fresh breeze in baekhyun’s life. contrary to his intimidating looks, zitao was actually a nice and polite kid. after talking for a while, baekhyun immediately noticed that zitao had so many different sides to him. aside of being shy and soft-spoken, it was noted in baekhyun’s mind that zitao had initially dreamed of being a professional basketball player.

why not? baekhyun had asked when zitao told him about it.

zitao had paused, looking to their right and left before leaning close, whispering

english is hard.

baekhyun fought the urge to laugh, but he did anyway.





it was the younger’s purity and ambition that made baekhyun stick to his side. yixing was baffled when he saw how suddenly close the two were, except he didn’t mind at all since baekhyun introduced him to zitao, which had the eldest squealing all over the place because another chinese friend! it also didn’t help that they all went to the same university – more time to see each other. zitao was much like luhan, in the sense that he easily read baekhyun’s moods. more often than not, zitao would crack unfunny jokes but baekhyun laughed still, seeing the pout on the younger’s face did things to him.

what surprised him was that zitao actually knew his noona. oh, and kris.

now that was a jaw-dropping fact about zitao.





over the year they knew each other and a few months after losing contact with luhan, zitao told him that he’d just started seeing someone.

as in, he’d just started dating someone.

baekhyun had learned the secrets of how not to show his emotions so blatantly so he concealed his slight disappointment and smiled brightly, patting him on his back as he congratulated him over and over. zitao looked relieved at the older’s reaction and smiled back, telling him about this girl he was dating.

baekhyun just couldn’t find it in himself to care.





it was good that he didn’t.





on a raining, early university day, baekhyun found zitao sitting alone in the empty library, save for the librarians. feeling curious and excited, he sneaked his way over to where the younger was sitting, blowing in his ear when he was close enough. zitao yelped and jumped from his seat, chair screeching loudly against the floor as he stumbled on air. baekhyun had tears in his eyes from trying to hold back his laughter while the librarians told them to keep quiet, zitao apologizing to them with deep bows, face flushed red. he smacked the back of baekhyun’s head when the older was far from done laughing, sprawled on the table.

she cheated on me, zitao said after they both sat down. the sudden information was like a slap to baekhyun’s cheek. it reminded him of his past relationship that he could never forget, a part of his past that had became a bitter memory.

slowly, baekhyun slid his arms around zitao, pulling him close in a hug. i'm sorry to hear that, he whispered in zitao’s ear, patting his back gently in attempt to comfort him.

when he felt zitao’s arms around his, he also felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes, knowing how hurt zitao must have been.

it's okay to cry, zitao.

they spent first and second period of class in the library, clinging onto one another with zitao drenching baekhyun’s shirt, courtesy of his tears.

(i'm sorry, i'm so sorry—

sssh, zitao, it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about my shirt, baekhyun laughed, combing the younger’s hair with his fingers.

but—

baekhyun put a finger on zitao’s lips to silence him, grinning. you'll have to kiss me if you say another word.

i—oh.

their eyes widened, neither expecting it to happen. baekhyun blushed, pulling his hands back to his sides. i—sorry, that wasn’t serious, oh god, you don’t—just forget i've ever said anything. he was all but ready to run from the library, his bag be damned, but then there were fingers curling around his wrist. his heart was ready to jump out of his ribs when zitao stood up, effortlessly towering over his smaller figure.

and baekhyun suddenly felt that they were standing too close. the table was right behind him, so there was no way for him to inch away. clocks stopped ticking, time was stilling. he screwed his eyes shut.

then a pair of soft lips pressed against his cheek.)





by the time the next season of basketball matches started, baekhyun and zitao were closer than ever. baekhyun would watch zitao practice – from the benches now – and would also buy drinks and snacks for the team. it was not a rare sight anymore, the team basically acknowledged baekhyun as the manager they never had.

after the kiss (yes, it was a kiss) in the library, zitao didn’t stay away from baekhyun. if anything, he stuck even closer to baekhyun, almost bordering on clingy but not. baekhyun was just glad that he was acting normal and not awkward like in most cases of a guy kissing another guy. holding hands became natural for them, more so with playful flirtings. once, they watched a movie together in the cinema which only served to make baekhyun cringe and lean his head on zitao’s shoulder.

this is boring. baekhyun never liked watching modern romantic movies. in his opinion, they were all clichéd and had a happy ending anyway, so why bother?

zitao only leaned his head against baekhyun’s after chuckling. did you prefer watching with your boyfriend then?

it made baekhyun pout. you’re the only one i've got was his retort.

you wish i was your boyfriend.

yeah… he mumbled indignantly, and if zitao heard it, he didn’t say anything back, only reaching up to ruffle baekhyun’s hair a bit.





sometimes, if not always, baekhyun wondered what zitao might be thinking. they held hands, yes, they flirted, yes, but they never explored deeper about each other. baekhyun was afraid – he felt like he’d opened up to zitao too much to be insecure. zitao knew many things about him while he couldn’t say he knew as much about the younger. zitao had a complete understanding of baekhyun’s mind while baekhyun himself couldn’t read him as easily. the whole situation worried baekhyun; he was afraid he’d be the one to get hurt again in the end and he was tired of getting hurt.

he only wanted to be happy but happiness seemed to hate him.





their university was known for its strong basketball team. they’d won the championship for the last two years, so they were expecting to win again this year, especially after they’d recruited many talented students as players, one of them being zitao. baekhyun had been watching the year’s championship since preliminaries, missing one of the quarter finals since he caught a cold.

their team faced a strong opponent on the semifinals. on the first and second quarters, they fell behind with a quite large gap between their score and their opponent’s; the supporters’ mentality was put to test when the supporters for the opposing team were larger in number. baekhyun felt tears in his eyes and he clenched his hands together in a silent prayer.

quarter three started and it was as if the team had been possessed – one by one their three-point shoots went in and the crowd cheered, gaining back their spirit.

by the time quarter four ended, their team was five three points ahead.





zitao had been the one who scored the most three points. the seniors hugged him and ruffled his hair, patting his back with wide smiles on their face. the team laughed, and enveloped one another in a group hug. baekhyun was pulled into the middle of it.

the arms around him were warm, he had thought. if only his knee hadn’t torn a cartilage, he was sure he’d be a part of the team long ago. but the members didn’t think anything about it; they’d witnessed baekhyun’s precise shoots so many times that they thought of him as a part of the team. it really didn’t matter to them if he wasn’t an official member, they all loved him anyway.

did he mention that their coach was also an old friend of his father’s?





that night, baekhyun and zitao held hands as they walked home. the older couldn’t stop talking about the match, and how zitao played so well while the younger only smiled and pulled him closer to his side. they stood in front of baekhyun’s house, leaning against the wall, eyes staring at the starry night sky.

two weeks until the final match… baekhyun breathed, hand still warm in zitao’s hold. zitao nodded even if baekhyun couldn’t see it, although he didn’t have to for zitao knew he didn’t need an answer. minutes passed as they stayed in comfortable silence, baekhyun’s head resting on zitao’s shoulder like it belonged there.

good luck on the final. i'll definitely watch you.

he felt zitao turn his head, pressing his lips against his temple.





a week before the final match, baekhyun was admitted to the hospital for an unbearable pain in his lower right abdomen.

his appendix had to be removed.





the surgery went well, he was recovering well, too. but his fever wouldn’t go down at all. zitao had visited on the day he underwent the surgery and baekhyun had promised—again—to go watch him play on saturday. yixing and sehun were good friends so they came to visit everyday, tempting him to kick them out of his bed because they never failed to make him laugh and it hurt.

but later his doctor told him he had the early symptoms of salmonella, after taking his blood twice and getting it checked in the laboratory. he had to stay in the hospital for a few more days. that also meant he wouldn’t be able to watch the final basketball match. baekhyun had laughed when his parents jokingly told him to sneak out of the hospital, but he couldn’t help himself and cried to sleep on the night before the match.

(zitao, i'm sorry, i'm not discharged yet, and i'm not allowed to go after all, he called zitao the next morning, thankful for his unpuffy eyes.

that's okay, just rest, you’re still recovering. pray for our victory, alright?

baekhyun swallowed back a sob that was threatening to slip out of his lips. i really want to go, though… you better win or i won’t cheer for our team again next year!

zitao’s laugh made him chuckle—okay, it still hurt—and zitao ended the call after a few more minutes of talking.)





his father and his noona went to watch the match, leaving baekhyun behind to claw at his bed sheets and start negotiating with his mother to get out of the hospital.

you know i can walk just fine! well, despite of how hard it is to breathe when sitting or standing, not to mention the dizziness—but we can still make it if we go now!

yeah, but your doctor didn’t allow you to go.

baekhyun faked a sob.





he almost tore his hair from his head in anxiety, waiting for his father’s text. his father promised to text him the scores of every quarter so baekhyun wouldn’t be too worried about the match. he chewed on his lower lip at the first report of scores; they were fourteen points behind. the team managed to lessen the gap to only six points by the third quarter, which made baekhyun chew harder on his abused lower lip.

the fourth quarter ended and their scores were tied. they went to overtime. baekhyun clawed at his face.

the overtime ended and their scores were still tied. they went to the second overtime. it was a miracle baekhyun hadn’t flung his phone across the room yet.

when the last text from his father showed up in his inbox, baekhyun could only sigh. they lost. strangely, it didn’t bother him as much as he’d thought. he was just thinking about zitao. maybe he’s crying right now, he said to himself, knowing how easily the younger shed tears. it pained him that he was unable to be there for him, to comfort him when he needed it.

zitao didn’t come to visit that day, and baekhyun didn’t call him, giving zitao his space for a day.





baekhyun was on his second round of morning sleep the next day when zitao came earlier than his own father, not startling baekhyun at all even if he woke up to the younger sitting beside his bed, watching muted television. you're early, he had said, shifting to a sitting position.

zitao reclined in his seat. yeah… he offered, eyes not leaving the screen on the wall.

maybe he wasn’t ready to talk yet, baekhyun assumed, reaching out his hand that wasn’t attached to the i.v drip, placing it on zitao’s shoulder. the younger didn’t say anything, only taking baekhyun’s hand off his shoulder before holding it in his.

nothing was said between them but baekhyun understood that zitao was only trying to forgive himself for losing. that was because baekhyun was also trying to forgive himself for breaking his promise.





the person who was more excited than himself when he finally returned to university was of course zhang yixing. he squealed when he saw baekhyun in the lounge, tackling him into a bone-crushing hug—ow! he protested—having only half a mind to care about his wound.

how dare you left me alone!

uhh, didn’t you come visit me everyday?

does it matter?

it didn’t. because baekhyun had missed yixing as well, despite of seeing his best friend everyday when he was hospitalized.





there was a third year of middle school reunion later that month. baekhyun was willing to attend only because jongdae was going, too. he wasn’t the most sociable person back in middle school, so jongdae had been the closest to him, and if jongdae was going then he would go with him.

the reunion was held at one of his friends’ villa, big enough to host all thirty five of them. baekhyun had been there a few times before, since his friend used to invite the class there to have fun.

a hand tapped his shoulder, and when he turned around, he stumbled back with widened eyes.

hey.

his voice was unfamiliar from what puberty had done to it, but the grin on his face was still the same.

hey, chanyeol.





jongdae was worried that maybe baekhyun would have trouble controlling his feelings that could burst at any time. he'd watched baekhyun crumble to the ground and pick himself up one too many times because of chanyeol, and he wouldn’t like it if baekhyun had to go over that process again. so he stayed with baekhyun throughout the reunion, ready to support him should his friend trip over.

what he didn’t know was, even if baekhyun felt like falling in love with chanyeol all over again, byun baekhyun had already glued his pieces back together and wouldn’t let it go, in case someone would grab it away and smash it to the ground again. he wasn’t going to place his hopes on chanyeol anymore. seeing chanyeol like this was enough – he was relieved that chanyeol had greeted him first. he was happy seeing chanyeol didn’t change the way he acted around him, still friendly and carefree like how it was back then. he was content with the way chanyeol’s hand rested on his shoulder so comfortably as they posed for a photo.

baekhyun knew it was time for his first love to end. he said goodbye to it as he waved chanyeol goodbye at the end of the day.





jongdae ended up staying over at his house for the night. baekhyun ended up telling him everything that had happened – about yixing, about joonmyun, about luhan, about university, about his surgery and especially about zitao. he also told jongdae about his worries of getting hurt again and if he should ever confess to him. the possibility of being rejected and losing the relationship they had terrified him. to this, jongdae only smiled.

do you remember minseok?

baekhyun nodded, of course he remembered kim minseok, their senior in middle school and the subject of his best friend’s affection during the time. of course i do.

well… we go to the same university, right? and we’re together now. kind of.

what— he shot up from his position in bed, groaning when his wound twitched. how did—congratulations!

seeing his middle school best friend flail his arms around, jongdae laughed, pushing baekhyun back down to the bed. i confessed to him every year—we went to the same high school, too—so i think he got tired of them and gave up.

holy—every year?!

yeah. so, my point is, you’d have to have enough courage if you want to confess to him, baekhyun-ah. the only reason minseok didn’t push me away is because i was determined to show him what i felt for him. just, try to find your ground first. and then when it’s solid enough, you can confess.

his words echoed in baekhyun’s head. jongdae was right; he needed to prepare for every kind of possibilities first. if he wasn’t ready for a rejection, he wouldn’t go anywhere. he had wasted so much time in his life waiting for the ‘perfect time’ to confess to the person he loved. with chanyeol, it was never the perfect timing. with kris, he had’t needed to find one. with joonmyun, he’d already given up from the start. with luhan, it slipped from his hold.

with zitao, he wanted to make the perfect timing.





there were a few weeks left before the new semester started.

zitao had agreed to meet baekhyun at baekhyun’s all-time favorite café. from there, they’d go watch a movie then go to baekhyun’s house to cook and eat dinner. his parents were out of town and his noona was out with her friends, so baekhyun had told zitao to bring spare clothes and bathing necessities.

he took a deep breath before leaving his house. he could do this.

even though he nearly fell to the ground because of the nervousness, he made it safely to the café, easily spotting zitao sitting on a table by the large window. the younger looked up when the doorbell chimed, waving at him with a grin. baekhyun had to bite his lower lip to prevent himself from forming a stupid grin.

here’s your lychee green tea, zitao said as baekhyun took a seat across of him, pushing a tall glass of cold green tea filled with four lychees. the thoughtfulness of the gesture made baekhyun blush. he had no idea zitao knew about his favorite drink from the café, considering he had only been there with zitao once or twice.

i hope you’ll have a good time today. you've been kind of out of it lately.

baekhyun looked up from his drink, not expecting him to say it. zitao’s face had a pretty shade of pink and he found it adorable. so he smiled, pinching zitao’s cheek softly.

thanks.





the so-called date went smoothly—baekhyun was the one who chose what they were going to watch—and uneventful, relieving baekhyun of some of his stress. he had been worried he might make himself look clumsy in front of zitao, the one thing he really didn’t want to do before his big mission tonight.

yes, he was going to confess tonight and it was now or never. this was the ‘perfect timing’ he had made, he didn’t want to lose it, simply because zitao was precious to him. he just wanted the younger to know that.

once they were finished with dinner, zitao started rambling about how university would start soon and how they were going to have less time to hangout, with a small pout. baekhyun chuckled at his cuteness, gathering all the used dishes and mugs and bringing them over to the sink, running water over the pile of dirty melamines before washing them.

baekhyun, you’re tense.

it was only then that baekhyun noticed how stiff his shoulders were, not to mention his silence throughout dinner, only laughing now and then at something zitao said but never really started a topic, which he would have done had he not been distracted. he bit his lip, feeling apologetic for ending their date by acting so not himself. hurriedly, he stopped washing the dishes, wanting to apologize to zitao for exactly that reason.

but then warm hands were wrapped around his torso, a chin on his shoulder.

relax, zitao said beside his ear. you’re stressing yourself, it’s not good.

baekhyun wanted to cry at zitao’s gentleness. his chest felt so full he thought it could burst any time and he just couldn’t keep it in anymore.

zitao, i—i like you.

behind him, zitao stilled. there was no way to turn back now, it was now or never.

i really like you. in the way that makes my chest want to explode at any given time, in the way that makes me want to cry because my chest is so full, in the way that makes my heart beat furiously, in the way that i blush and grin stupidly when i see you, in the way that—

the arms around him tightened.

please let this be real, baekhyun.

he couldn’t stop the tears from slipping out of his eyes.





graduation was nearing, so quickly that baekhyun could barely register that he only had a week before officially becoming an alumni of his university. he and yixing had been hanging out a lot while waiting for graduation ceremony to happen, cherishing every moment they had together before parting ways; baekhyun to continue his studies and yixing to start up his own business. “but we will be oceans apart!” he had wailed when baekhyun told him about his plan.

“shut up, it’s japan, that’s not ‘oceans apart,’ as you’d put it.”

“whatever, i still can’t see you in the flesh without getting on a plane. what about zitao?”

baekhyun heaved a deep sigh, frowning as he remembered the small argument they had when he broke the news to zitao a good two weeks ago. “i think he’s still mad at me. he's not replying my texts or answering my calls.”

being a soon-to-be graduating student, baekhyun and yixing didn’t really have to go to their campus anymore, since they were done with their thesis and thesis defense, passing with satisfying scores on their record. for the past two weeks, though, baekhyun had been going to campus every single day only to see zitao but never succeeded. zitao was on his sixth semester so meeting him shouldn’t be too difficult. it was obvious that the younger was avoiding him. he could only sigh.

yixing circled his arm around baekhyun’s shoulder, squeezing there to comfort him. “don’t worry. he has no choice; he’ll have to see you sooner or later.”

smiling weakly but gratefully at his best friend, baekhyun gently poked his rib. “don’t you have to be somewhere with jongin right about now?”

“good god, i'm late.”

it should be mentioned as well that they met jongin again a few months ago, at sehun’s birthday party. coincidentally, sehun and jongin went to the same university, both majoring in performing arts, instantly becoming best friends. when sehun introduced him to yixing and baekhyun, jongin’s eyes widened in recognition, shaking their hand distractedly. long time no see! baekhyun said, cheerful, while yixing could only hide behind him. after sehun told jongin that yixing—just like the both of them—danced, jongin was suddenly interested in him, making conversations with the older guy. baekhyun and sehun shared a knowing smile as they were sure another couple was going to happen.

the buzz from his pocket startled him out of his thoughts, groaning as he pulled his phone out. a text from sehun.

hyung, when are you going to celebrate
your graduation? luhan-hyung said
hello~ ^^

baekhyun smiled. he had talked to sehun about the younger’s feelings for luhan not too long after he confessed to zitao. surprisingly, sehun was calm about it. i know i'm obvious, he had said. he just doesn’t see it. just like how he didn’t see yours.

lately, sehun had been talking to him more – mostly about luhan. the two had gotten close—closer than before and sehun also told him that luhan responded to his touches now, either with pink across his cheeks or soft, almost inaudible gasps. the whole situation delighted him and baekhyun was amused at how things turned out. nonetheless, he was happy for them, believing that sehun would be able to take care of luhan in ways he couldn’t.

the people he knew congratulated him for graduating, both people he saw frequently and those who had lost contact with him. but when he saw kyungsoo’s and joonmyun’s post on his facebook wall, he couldn’t be happier than that. or so he thought, because chanyeol showed up in front of his door one day, with his trademark grin, congratulating him and ruffling his hair.

everyone was happy for his graduation, except one person.





the day before his graduation, zitao was still refusing to see or talk to him. it had just occurred to him that he didn’t know where exactly zitao’s house was, so he couldn’t go there even if he wanted to. or maybe he could ask his father but his old man closed the conversation by saying “it’s far” instead of giving a real answer.

he was really busy preparing for his graduation ceremony that he didn’t get to spare a glance at his phone.





so imagine his surprise when zitao suddenly appeared at his door a few hours to midnight.

“zitao—”

“you’re okay—”

“what are you—”

“thought you were sick or something—”

“why even—”

they paused, staring at each other with wide eyes before laughter erupted from both of them. oh how foolish they were, baekhyun thought as he pulled zitao into his arms, the younger’s own encircling his waist.

“i know this is a bit too late, but… congratulations on your graduation.”

shaking his head, baekhyun’s lips curled upwards. “thanks, zitao.”

“and i'm sorry for acting so childish.”

“that’s okay.”

“also… here.”

“… what’s this?”

it was a round pendant, with a simple design of a cow’s head, gold in color while the pendant itself was black.

“it’s… that thing for a necklace, what do you call it—”

“thank you, zitao.”

and as a sweet smile bloomed on baekhyun’s face, zitao was tugged down for a kiss.





graduation ceremony went smoothly without any complications; baekhyun and yixing took many pictures together in each classroom, dragging zitao the one-day photographer along, sometimes taking pictures of the three of them. a small celebration was held at baekhyun’s house the day before his departure to japan. chanyeol and zitao met for the first time, but instead of trying to get along, zitao only gave death glares at the taller guy every time he got too close to baekhyun. yixing and sehun laughed at them, luhan and kris instantly got close while speaking in chinese, and jongdae, minseok and jongin played games. baekhyun even had to duck to the kitchen to breathe, which only served to make his parents and noona chuckle and giggle at him. before leaving, chanyeol left a peck on baekhyun’s forehead. not wanting to lose, kris left with a kiss to his cheek. the gestures reddened baekhyun’s whole face and ears, so when luhan also wanted to leave with a kiss to baekhyun’s cheek, zitao covered his cheeks with his hands, making luhan’s lips land on the back of his hand instead. baekhyun only smiled at zitao’s behavior, giving assuring kisses now and then to calm him down as the night went on.





“repeat that again.”

he chuckled, squeezing zitao’s hands that were in his.

“i'll come back after one and a half year, and i'll find time to come home as often as i can—considering my schedule, of course—and i will take care of myself so as not to worry everyone.”

everyone had gathered at the airport to send baekhyun off, one by one wishing him good luck and good health. his parents looked over him, proud, and his noona had to hold herself back from crying since it was the first time her brother went somewhere far without her. she was going to miss her baby brother a lot.

yixing shed a tear or two, embracing his best friend and refusing to let go. eventually though, he buried his face in jongin’s shoulder after reluctantly releasing baekhyun from his hold. sehun and luhan both hugged him, whispering gentle, encouraging words. so far, zitao had proved to be the most difficult to part with him, wrapping a hand around his waist to keep him close, waiting until the last call for the passengers to japan to go to the departure gate—

“that’s my flight, zitao.”

zitao nodded, weakly, detaching himself from baekhyun. “go.”

baekhyun smiled, brightly, standing on the tips of his toes to press his lips on zitao’s.





as he turned to wave to his parents and friends for the last time, he realized how lucky he was to have those people in his life. his family, especially, had been the biggest pillar throughout all twenty years, never ceasing their support even in the darkest moments. all those trials in the past had only one purpose; to wake him up and let him know that he wouldn’t be able to find happiness if he clung on to the past forever.

byun baekhyun only wanted to be happy. so he let go of the things that had happened in the past and tried to be happy now.