when talking about first loves, baekhyun, with no doubt, would say that he had his first love ten years ago – when he was in his fourth year of primary school. it was with his classmate slash childhood friend, park chanyeol, who lived in the house across his. they'd been together since they were babies, plus their parents were really good friends and neighbors. baekhyun and chanyeol played with each other every single day; it was as if they couldn’t separate even if the world wanted them to. occasionally, chanyeol’s noona and baekhyun’s noona would join them, playing hide and seek on the streets or chasing one another while playing tag.

the moment he realized that he liked chanyeol more than he should, the only thing baekhyun could do was acting as normal as usual. there was nothing he could do, really, and he didn’t want their relationship to change.

on their fifth year, their classmates deemed them the class’ official couple, since it was always ‘baekhyun and chanyeol’ and ‘chanyeol and baekhyun.’ was baekhyun being too obvious? or was it because they were always together in everything they did? either way, baekhyun was uncomfortable with the situation. every time they playfully chased each other, their friends would start catcalling and when the other wasn’t with the other, their friends would tease and ask where the boyfriend was.

and then baekhyun made the mistake of telling some of his ‘trusted friends’ that he might have a crush on the classmate who sat behind him.

the ‘confession’ spread like a wildfire, and the whole class learned about it in less than half an hour—heck, even less than fifteen minutes. one by one his classmates came to him, asking him

what are you going to do with chanyeol now?

you're cheating on him?

is that true? that you have a crush on kyungsoo?

all baekhyun wanted to do was tell all of them to shut up, because he was confused, because he saw chanyeol storming out of the classroom, because he saw kyungsoo’s tears of confusion. the poor boy just had to be dragged into all of this because of him. he wanted to apologize to both chanyeol and kyungsoo, but he couldn’t. it was all his fault – he ed up his relationship with chanyeol, and even if kyungsoo continued to be his friend, baekhyun didn’t think he could continue being kyungsoo’s friend.

byun baekhyun was a bright and cheerful kid, but at that point in his life, he didn’t think he’d be able to light up his own life anymore.





on valentine’s day of their sixth year, baekhyun shoved two chocolate candies and a letter of apology into chanyeol’s hand before running home. he remained not knowing if chanyeol read his letter or not.





that wasn’t the end of baekhyun’s first love story.

they went to the same middle school – it was closer to their house than any other school. for over three years, baekhyun had remained silent about his feelings for chanyeol. it wasn’t a secret among his friends from primary school though, since they were there when a girl told her friends that she had a crush on chanyeol and they started pairing them together while baekhyun’s face turned gloomy as the same headache he felt on his fifth year came back. it had to be noted that this girl who had a crush on chanyeol on the sixth year was the same girl who used to have a crush on kyungsoo on the fifth year. there was really no reason for baekhyun not to have a headache.

the thing was, his friends supported his feelings and encouraged him to actually confess to chanyeol. baekhyun himself wanted to, especially after jongdae bravely confessed to minseok who was two years their senior. he really wanted to – felt the need to, even, but somehow he always backed away at the last minutes. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, he kept telling himself.

that ‘tomorrow’ never came.





in the midst of all of this, another guy came to his love life. his name was wu yifan, also known as kris. baekhyun knew him before, the older guy had been good friends with his noona since primary school. honestly, baekhyun never considered him as someone to get close with, but because he was too distraught and hopeless with his first love, he said yes when kris asked him to be his boyfriend. kris was…good at changing subjects, and perhaps baekhyun agreed because he was too carried away by kris’ smooth talk. he didn’t know where kris found out about his feelings for chanyeol, but when kris mentioned that, it was as if his mind had gone blank.

kris played a big role in his life then – he was always there whenever baekhyun had his dark moment. he was there when baekhyun doubted his father’s love for his family, he was there when baekhyun felt so lonely even though he was surrounded by people, he was there when baekhyun had to be supported by crutches because he had a torn knee cartilage. kris was a good person; he made baekhyun laugh freely again. he made him blush like a girl whenever he whispered sweet words to his ear. he patiently waited for a few weeks to hold baekhyun’s hand and do skinship in general. suddenly the only person that mattered in his world was kris.

kris became the light in baekhyun’s life, and he liked—no, he loved him. kris was the one who pieced him back together and brought him back to his track.

he was undeniably happy – happier than before, even though that didn’t mean his feelings for chanyeol had disappeared. baekhyun knew from the start that it’d be extremely and excruciatingly difficult for him to forget his first love. but the topic of chanyeol was never heard during his relationship with kris.

the thing that made baekhyun love kris even more was that kris was willing to do anything to make him happy.





but every good thing had to come to an end, eventually.





he said there was nothing between them, that the girl was only a friend. but would friends call each other every night, text each other every so often, talk to each other with a sickeningly sweet, intimate tone? kris might be baekhyun’s first lover, but he wasn’t stupid. it was clear that kris was two-timing him, and there was nothing kris could do to make baekhyun forgive him.

he was so angry that he broke up with kris in their fourth month.





for several weeks after the break up, the older guy would attempt to corner baekhyun at school when he was alone to apologize directly but never succeeded, since baekhyun would always have his friends with him. he made calls, too, but they were always ignored. texts were immediately deleted after they showed up in baekhyun’s inbox without being read. whenever they accidentally bumped into one another on the streets or at the mall, he’d stay silent and give kris a cold shoulder. his noona, who knew about the reason behind the break up, helped keeping a distance between the former lovers.

as time went by, kris finally gave up and baekhyun finally cried, feeling lost and betrayed and – most of all – disappointed.

kris loved him dearly. baekhyun loved him back.

so, what went wrong in their relationship?





it was a few months into the new school year. at last, everything calmed down and baekhyun was able to concentrate on his studies. he was smiling; not forced anymore but not as bright as it used to be.

still, he felt like his world crumbled to pieces when his friend told him that chanyeol got a girlfriend.





baekhyun, honest to all gods out there, didn’t know what persuaded him to approach kris on the night of their school’s cultural festival. there were flowers of fireworks in the sky and a box of chocolate in his hands and kris, standing alone in the middle of loud chattering and happy laughs.

so he automatically walked over, offering the box of chocolate to kris, which was kindly refused by the guy. baekhyun stood there awkwardly with him, not saying anything, only watching the fireworks explode into the night sky until he had to go home.





in the safe confines of his room, he remembered that kris disliked chocolates. heaving a deep sigh, he sent him a text.





hey, sorry about earlier, i forgot you didn’t like chocolates.

don’t worry about it. can i call you?



sure.





somehow, baekhyun expected this. he expected the apology, he expected the give me a second chance, i'll be a better person, i will never do that again, so please. he expected all of that, but he didn’t expect himself to give in, to give another chance to someone who had betrayed his trust—his love. but byun baekhyun was a very compassionate person, so he couldn’t say no, not when he loved kris still, and he wanted to believe in this second chance.

so baekhyun forgave kris, in hopes that this time, everything would be just fine.





nothing changed between them; it was like they never broke up in the first place. kris still treated baekhyun as precious as a crystal and baekhyun still treasured kris as much as his own family. baekhyun’s noona actually disapproved of their making up but said nothing, only taking her brother’s side whenever the couple had an argument. perhaps the only thing that changed was the way they acted around each other. it was more mature and more careful than before, as if they were afraid of being attached for the second time.

then kris asked if they’d be able to last until high school, which baekhyun answered with a shy of course, face the deepest shade of red possible.

how nice if it were so.





because baekhyun ended their relationship in their fourth month for the second time.

kris was a stupid, idiotic, foolish—and every other bad things baekhyun could think of—jerk. betraying baekhyun’s trust for the second time was a fatally wrong step. he might have been okay with it if it was with some other girl (kind of… okay maybe a little bit… okay maybe not at all), but it was with the same girl that destroyed their relationship months ago. wow. it made him wonder if kris loved him or her, since kris and his girl maintained their relationship quite well, if he must say. he bet the girl knew nothing about his and kris’ relationship.

the second break up wasn’t harder than the first one; maybe baekhyun had anticipated it since the start. he just didn’t know it’d be this fast.

baekhyun obviously lived better than before. a big burden had been lifted off his shoulders, and he began to enjoy life again. his best friend jongdae knew everything that happened, and he was the only one whom baekhyun trusted the most. jongdae had been baekhyun’s pillar of support since everything with kris started, so often times jongdae would offer him comfort. this time was no different, after learning of kris’ two-timing him again, he didn’t hesitate to tell baekhyun to break up with him, for good now.

why couldn’t baekhyun just fall in love with jongdae?





in the third year of middle school, baekhyun swore to himself that if chanyeol so much as called his name, he’d let go of his feelings for that childhood friend of his and move on. turned out they were in the same class. inevitably, chanyeol called him in class.

letting go was difficult, but he decided to move on.

that still wasn’t the end of his first love story. but then again, the fire of first loves would never die.





park chanyeol slipped out of most of his life when baekhyun enrolled in high school. they still lived across each other, but they no longer went to the same school. baekhyun himself was surprised at how easier things had gotten after he came to a truce with his own feelings. unfortunately jongdae didn’t go to the same school as him, but he met yixing and he was a nice guy. besides, his noona was in the same school as him, so he had less things to worry about – the only thing he had to worry perhaps was kris, though kris wasn’t an issue anymore since they became friends and baekhyun had learned not to take the older guy seriously.

or maybe his noona should’ve warned him that there was a kim joonmyun at school. well—okay, she did tell him about someone named kim joonmyun and how he was a good guy a year prior to his enrolling in high school, but she skipped the part where she should’ve said that he was good-looking and polite and had a nice smile and—

baekhyun melted.





joonmyun was a year above him. he turned baekhyun into a blushing mess whenever they exchanged ‘hi’s in the corridors and baekhyun’s brain would be reduced to close to nothing whenever kim joonmyun was in the picture. he fell for him, hard and fast, but because of his past experiences, baekhyun never decided to confess to him. he told yixing exactly this, but yixing was too good of a friend that he suggested him to confess. you will regret it if you don’t, he had said in his persuasion.

but byun baekhyun had already regretted a lot of things so he thought an addition of one more regret wouldn’t be too hard to handle.





the fates hated him, of course.

they kept bumping into each other after school and out of school. one time baekhyun was in the library, peacefully listening to the songs in his phone while waiting for his noona to finish her class so they could walk home together, when suddenly someone took a seat in front of him. he looked up, half thinking it was his noona but soon banged his knees against the hard wooden table when he saw joonmyun instead. baekhyun blushed to the very tips of his ears at the older guy’s smile to which he replied with a stiff nod of his head.

another time baekhyun took a bus home. right after he found a seat, joonmyun got on the same bus and made baekhyun blush like a boiled crab when he sat beside him.

going home? joonmyun had asked him. baekhyun stuttered a yes in reply, though wondering why the older was in the same bus as him.

where are you going? he had shyly asked back, peering at his senior, afraid that he’d see his red face. not that his ears weren’t, anyway.

oh, i'm going to course, was the answer joonmyun had given him, and baekhyun briefly remembered an english course a few kilometers from his house. not because he’d hoped it’d be that particular english course, but more because he didn’t know any other course around the area of his house.

then the bus stopped, joonmyun got off at his stop and waved at baekhyun, disappearing into the english course.

baekhyun blushed even more and hid his face in his arms.





this love story was short-lived, however.

two years passed by so quickly and before baekhyun knew it, joonmyun was graduating. he attended the graduation ceremony, partly because he was a part of the choir team, partly because it was his noona’s and kris’ graduation as well. seeing joonmyun step up the stage made him want to cry, though he didn’t, since he knew it’d be weird if he did.

forgetting joonmyun wasn’t that hard, and baekhyun had made sure of it. sure, he’d missed his presence, he’d missed his gentle smiles and he’d missed talking to him. but he had prepared himself for it since the first time he met the senior – he promised himself that he would hold no regrets, since he had no intention of confessing to him at all, even when his noona told him that joonmyun didn’t have a lover and was totally free. it did make him think that maybe, just maybe joonmyun would fall for him. though he instantly diminished that thought and settled with just a senior-junior relationship. he was content with being just that, so not even yixing could change his mind.





(on his third year of high school, there was this junior who suddenly caught his eyes. his name was kim jongin and he was also yixing’s junior at his middle school. yixing held an affection for the younger guy while baekhyun was terrified of his pointed glare – or more like, his whole existence terrified him. baekhyun didn’t know why, but when yixing told him about his affection towards jongin, it was as if he saw jongin in a whole different light. he became interested enough in him that he had even accompanied yixing to stare at walking, oblivious jongin while yixing had that lovestruck face on. jongin must have felt their intense stare because he glanced to his left, making yixing hide and baekhyun smirk at him. gradually, baekhyun felt a lot more at ease around jongin.





he might have had a brief crush on him, too.)





after graduating high school, baekhyun and yixing went to the same university but different majors. baekhyun majored in communication, yixing in international business. even so, their friendship didn’t waver – yixing even introduced him to his friend luhan. luhan, who was a year their senior, majored in international relations at a different university a few train stations away from theirs. yixing had known him through one of his other friends oh sehun and quickly became close, both of them having come from china. he wanted to introduce baekhyun to luhan since he thought luhan would be a good influence in baekhyun’s life so they arranged a dinner at baekhyun’s favorite café.

baekhyun met luhan then. and, true to yixing’s words, both of them clicked as soon as they talked to each other.





luhan wasn’t like any other people he had fallen for. if kris was especially careful with him, luhan was only doing what he himself wanted to do. he held baekhyun’s hand in his on their third meeting without warning, and even though it surprised baekhyun how straightforward the older guy was, he didn’t mind it at all. luhan made him feel at ease, as he treated him like he was his younger brother. affectionate ruffles on his head or comforting hugs were not unusual between them. in front of luhan, baekhyun felt like a kid again. he opened up to luhan, talked to him about anything and everything, even sent him random texts when he was bored. with kris, it was always the older who took the initiative, but with luhan, he could take more initiative than he usually would – although perhaps it was because he’d grown up so he was more mature.

as they met more and more often (mostly with yixing too, and sehun, though sometimes they’d just hangout with each other), they grew even closer. it was inevitable that they fell into arguments which would result in them not talking to each other for days, but whenever baekhyun complained to yixing about how luhan would kill him one day, his best friend only said,

but both of you are so cute.

apparently yixing and sehun thought that the arguments between luhan and baekhyun were signs of affection.

speaking of affections, baekhyun realized that sehun harbored some feelings towards luhan, despite their four years . just, luhan saw him no more than a younger brother. he doted on sehun a lot, which what might have had led sehun to his blooming adoration towards the older. while baekhyun felt guilty because yixing told him luhan had changed ever since he met him, sehun continued treating baekhyun nicely. he didn’t know if it was out of pure kindness or because he was luhan’s friend.





it had been obvious in everyone else’s eyes, that baekhyun and luhan had feelings for each other. the luhan sehun knew wouldn’t make so many excuses to go to a café located on the other side of the city and the baekhyun yixing knew wouldn’t pour so much of himself into someone else’s open hands. but it happened anyway, and neither of them was able to stop it from happening.

the one time when baekhyun unintentionally skipped english course because he accompanied luhan in researching at the library, the older held him close, apologizing over and over again at a guilt-stricken baekhyun (he’d been close with his english course teacher). it was his teacher’s birthday and baekhyun had promised to come to course to celebrate; luhan knew this and tried to finish his research early but just couldn’t. this made baekhyun a bit upset at luhan and more at himself. he should’ve kept his promise with his teacher, not saying yes to luhan’s pleas of since you’re majoring in communication, i figured i could ask you for help, this essay is quite a pain. please?

one day luhan was down with a fever so yixing and sehun decided to drag baekhyun to visit him after dropping by a fruit market to buy some apples and oranges and strawberries (just because strawberries are so luhan). luhan had been lying on his bed, face flushed red from the fever. he’d tried to get up to welcome them but three pairs of hands pushed him back down to the bed. yixing and sehun borrowed luhan’s kitchen to make tea and baekhyun was left alone with luhan.

are you upset?

baekhyun had been dragged to luhan’s house without his consent, even if he was worried about the older guy as well – that still didn’t justify what his friends had done since baekhyun was tired and the only thing he wanted was go home and sleep. luhan had the ability to read him like an open book; it wasn’t the first time he did it.

luhan’s question wasn’t answered. instead, baekhyun moved from his place on the floor to sit on the edge of luhan’s bed, placing a delicate hand over his forehead.

just rest.

the smile on luhan’s face invited a small smile to baekhyun’s.

(he leaned over to place a kiss on luhan’s burning forehead as their fingers interlaced with one another.)





to say that luhan and baekhyun were together wasn’t right, but wasn’t totally wrong either. when they met, their hands would instantly find each other and they’d exchange whispers and special smiles. they just never confessed, never found the perfect timing to disclose their feelings.





midterms happened and they lost their timing.





assignments towards the middle and the end of the term were crazy. yixing fared no better than baekhyun, as well as luhan. the only one who could make time was sehun, so he sometimes went to baekhyun’s and yixing’s university to laugh at their misfortune. high school is the best, he would say.

yixing agreed, and baekhyun would start a speech about how high school was the best place ever and how university was hell, as opposed to what students sehun’s age would say.





university was the exact sole reason why luhan and baekhyun had a hard time to see each other.

on not so hectic fridays, baekhyun was able to spare a few hours to see luhan but the older had a full schedule. when luhan was finally able to take a breath, baekhyun would be close to ripping pages and pages of essays. each time one called and asked to meet up, the other would apologize with i have this project to finish this week.

eventually, communication between them ceased, and as much as sehun wanted to help, he couldn’t do anything if both baekhyun and luhan were busy, not to mention yixing who was equally busy.

they tried to maintain their relationship—whatever it was between them—but since a constant relationship seemed impossible at the moment, baekhyun gave up altogether.