It was 4:03 and Jongin walked quickly down the hallway, his fast footsteps bringing him closer and closer to the practice room and, as he hoped, closer to Kyungsoo.

He stopped when he reached the open door, pausing just before it so that he could take a moment to collect himself, wipe the sweat off of his forehead, and smooth the wrinkles in his black shirt.

He let out a breath, thankful that the filming for yet another one of his teasers had ended early enough that he was able to make it without being too late.

He ran a quick hand through his hair before stepping into the room, his confidence from the days before disappearing when he saw Kyungsoo fiddling with the stereo, his brows knit together in concentration.

Jongin’s feet paused, keeping him in place a good thirty feet from where Kyungsoo knelt, his presence oblivious to the latter.

He tried to open his mouth to say something but found that it was glued shut with fear.  Everything was moving too fast and no matter how ready he thought he was, he was not prepared to be standing here, a breath away from finally defining his relationship with Kyungsoo, from finding out whether or not they could even have a relationship.

He found himself in the classic situation of fight or flight.

He could fight for Kyungsoo, right here and right now, despite all of his doubts and all of his concerns, he could stay and he could fight.

Or he could run. Run away from the pain that was sure to follow if Kyungsoo rejected him, if for a second time he had to face life without Kyungsoo’s touch, Kyungsoo’s smile, Kyungsoo’s everything. It was true that even if Kyungsoo rejected him there was still the possibility of friendship, of keeping things how they were right now, which was comfortable and safe and nothing more. But that was just it. Jongin wanted more. And it was realizing just how much he wanted more that caused him to make the decision to fight.

Because if he ran now, when would he ever choose to stay? If he ran now, then all of the work and all of his stress from the past months would mean nothing.

And that was something, no matter how afraid he was of rejection, Jongin was not willing to risk.

With trembling hands and a nervous smile, Jongin spoke.

“Hey.” It was quiet and shy and not at all how Jongin had intended it to come out. But then again, at least he had finally said something.

Kyungsoo’s head perked up at the greeting, his fingers ceasing their fiddling and his wide, surprised eyes turning to face Jongin.

“Jongin?” He asked, straightening himself into a standing position. “What are you doing here? I’m about to meet Yixing hyung for-”

“Uh, yeah.” Jongin interrupted, “About that…” He ran a hand through his hair again, trying to collect his thoughts. He didn’t know where to start but he figured the truth was the best bet.

“I asked if I could help you with dancing instead.”

Kyungsoo faltered for a moment.

“But…why?” Jongin felt himself deflate in relief because it was confusion, not anger, that was splashed across Kyungsoo’s face.

“Because I wanted to.” Jongin stated, a new confidence arising within him because underneath the confusion, Jongin was pretty sure he saw a sparkle of something like happiness in Kyungsoo’s features.

“Oh.” Was all he got as a reply and Kyungsoo turned away before he could decipher what that simple word meant in the current situation.

“Should we start?” Jongin asked, attempting to appear relaxed. He strode over to the stereo and knelt down to press play before small fingers stopped him.

“Jongin.” He turned to see Kyungsoo kneeling next to him, a look of apprehension on his face. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Jongin gulped and felt something in his stomach drop. “What isn’t?” He asked after a few moments.

“You helping me. I just-I think it would be better if Yixing helped me. You-You’re too…” Kyungsoo trailed off, a blush spreading across his cheeks before he finally said “I just think I’ll learn better with Yixing.”

Jongin resented the hurt that washed through him at Kyungsoo’s words.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jongin questioned. He stood up abruptly and Kyungsoo followed, facing him with a sheepish look on his face.

“Jongin, I-”

“You don’t think I’d be a good teacher?” He cringed at how petty he sounded. His voice was high, like a child’s, and he knew he sounded like he was whining. He tried again, this time making sure his voice was low and stern. “And what were you going to say when you said ‘You’re too…’? I’m too what?”

“I…I wasn’t-I didn’t mean…” Kyungsoo looked panicked and he bit his lip, his eyes squeezing shut before he let out a frustrated groan.

“This!” He exclaimed loudly and Jongin took a small step back because he wasn’t expecting the volume with which Kyungsoo answered him. “This is what I was talking about! You’re too distracting! You come in here and you say things and you do things and I can’t focus! You muddle my brain and you’re just so damn stubborn and you never listen to me! I can’t learn from you when I’m like this! I can’t learn from you when you’re like this. I can’t...I…” His words, which had seemed to pour out of his mouth at the beginning trailed off, his face creasing together and his eyes looking determinedly at the ground.

Jongin let out a small breath that he had been holding in. He was having trouble interpreting Kyungsoo’s words. He was confused by how fast the situation had escalated and he was left with more questions than before.

There was silence between them for a while as Jongin tried to figure out what Kyungsoo had meant by ‘distraction’. He inwardly groaned because it had been a total of 5 minutes and his ‘grand plan’ to get Kyungsoo back was already a pile of dust at his feet. He was left with no idea of how to handle the situation, how to even understand it.

“Sorry.” Kyungsoo muttered suddenly and Jongin snapped his head up to meet Kyungsoo’s apologetic eyes. “I didn’t mean for it all to come out like that.”

Jongin laughed because he didn’t even know what ‘it all’ was. He was about to just come out and ask when Kyungsoo moved past him, and leaned down to press play on the stereo. After a few seconds music filled the room and Kyungsoo looked at him expectantly.

“We should start, right?”

Jongin simply raised his eyebrows at him in confusion.

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea but we’re here and I-I really need help, so…teach me. Please.” He smiled reassuringly at Jongin and Jongin smiled widely back at him, his body deflating from all the worry and he took a step forward, helping Kyungsoo get into place before he restarted the music.

He figured that taking some time to help Kyungsoo might actually help him. It would give him time to sort out his thoughts, erase the questions from his mind, and figure out just how to go about getting back on track with his ‘plan’.

So they began.

“Like this?” Kyungsoo kept asking and Jongin would laugh each time because no, not like that.

“Don’t laugh! I’m trying!”

It went on like this for a good half hour before Jongin sighed, pausing the music and striding forward to grab onto Kyungsoo, who was in the middle of asking, “Why’d you turn it off?”

“What are you doing?” He asked, his voice rising at the end when Jongin’s arms reached around his waist.

“You’re not moving your hips enough. It looks stiff.” He pinched the side of his waist and Kyungsoo yelped, swatting indignantly at his hand.

“Okay, okay, I get it. Let go.”

Jongin swallowed loudly because he thought maybe this was the time. To say something, do something. Kyungsoo was close, so close to him and it seemed as good a time as any.

He swallowed down the flippant remark on the tip of his tongue and what came out of his mouth was honest and truer than anything he felt he could ever say.

“I don’t want to.”

He felt Kyungsoo stiffen at the serious tone of his voice and he turned to see Kyungsoo looking at him, his cheeks red for what had to be the seventh time that day, and his eyes wide with what looked like understanding.

“What?” He asked even though Jongin was positive he had heard, that he knew exactly what he had said and what he meant by it.

“I don’t want to.” He repeated in a whisper, leaning forward ever so slightly.

“Jongin-”

“I never wanted to.” He asserted, his hands tightening around Kyungsoo.

“Jongin, don’t do this right now.” Kyungsoo pleaded. He looked like he was fighting a war within himself and Jongin backed up a little, not wanting to push him too far, but he didn’t release his hold on his waist.

“If we don’t talk about it now, when will we?” Jongin implored. “I can only be patient for so long, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo squirmed out of his grip and Jongin let him because he could see surrender written on the older boy’s face. It was masked by indecision but Jongin could see it. The spark, the glint of emotion that told him that Kyungsoo was just as impatient and longed for the past just as much as he did.

“I don’t really know how to do this.” Jongin stated, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I just need to say it. I need to know.”

He didn’t elaborate but Kyungsoo nodded in understanding, his eyes glued to the floor.

“I know you want an answer but I’m just as confused as you are about everything, about how I feel.” Kyungsoo replied.

“I’m not, though.” Jongin corrected. “I’m not confused. I know how I feel. There was never any question about that. I’m frustrated, not confused.” Kyungsoo’s head straightened and his eyes met Jongin’s with a look of hurt and longing. “Not with you. But with myself.” Jongin clarified. “Because I messed everything up two years ago and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been trying and I can’t tell if I’m making it better or worse.”

Kyungsoo didn’t reply and Jongin took that as a sign to continue.

“Sometimes I think I’m making it better because you’re here, you’re talking to me, we laugh and we joke like we used to, like nothing changed, but then I realize that everything’s changed. Because in reality we’re not at all how we used to be. I can’t…” hold you, touch you, kiss you, love you, Jongin wants to say. But instead he says, “I can’t be with you. I’m with you…but not really. And that’s when I think I’ve made everything worse. Because I don’t know if I can handle that. If I can take seeing you but knowing that’s all I’ll ever be able to do. See you.”

Kyungsoo swallowed loudly, filling the silence of the room that’s left when Jongin had finished. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it, looking as though he had no idea what to say.

“I guess I just need to know if there’s a possibility.” Jongin supplies, trying to get Kyungsoo to say something. “If you could see yourself forgiving me. Trying again. Being anything more than what we are.”

Kyungsoo suddenly laughs, a strangled, garbled, pained laugh that comes out sounding more like a sob.

“You’re really terrible at this.” He finally says and Jongin flinches because he knows he’s bad at it but he had been hoping the whole time that Kyungsoo wouldn’t notice.

“Really, really terrible.” He repeats.

“I know.” Jongin states, his fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt, his eyes watering because this sounds like the beginning of a rejection.

“But…You’re also really good at it.” Kyungsoo mutters and Jongin’s brows furrow because how can he be terrible and good at it at the same time?”

Kyungsoo must have seen the confusion in Jongin’s eyes because he laughs again, his teary eyes crinkling and Jongin wonders when Kyungsoo started crying.

“You’re terrible at it because you picked the absolute worst time to do this. I have vocal practice in 10 minutes and have to go get ready.”

Jongin felt something within himself cringe because he didn’t know if he could stand not knowing for any longer. He needed an answer now. But then again, he had been pretty sure Kyungsoo was going to reject him so maybe not knowing was better. It would allow him to hold onto false hope for a little bit longer.

“Okay.” He answered, hating the way his whole body drooped when he said it,  his limbs feeling heavy with the weight of pain and insecurity.

“But,” Kyungsoo stated as he picked up his bag and pulled the cd out of the stereo. “Like I said, you’re also really good at this. And it’s…” He trailed off and Jongin looked up, waiting for him to continue only to see Kyungsoo’s face an inch from his own.

Their eyes met and Jongin saw it all: The fear, the pain, the hurt. But he also saw the relief, the longing, and the love.

“It’s not fair.” Kyungsoo whimpered before leaning forward to seal their lips together in what Jongin hoped was a promise.

 A promise of more to come.

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