Somebody told me you were leavin’ 
I didn’t know 

We just finished recording for our second comeback stage for the new album. I was just so exhausted but the thought of finally being able to rest and hang out with Siwon for the rest of the day until tomorrow made the exhaustion more bearable. We were already filing back towards the waiting room to change our clothes and get the rest of our things when I noticed that Siwon wasn’t with our group that was heading backstage.  We were still a few meters away from our designated waiting room when it’s door flung open and out goes a Siwon who was hurriedly walking away with Manager Kim Junghoon and several other guys I’ve never seen before. All I saw was the dark look on his face like he was ready to murder some one.

I was about to call out to him to ask why he was leaving ahead of us, when Yesung, who was walking beside me, put one arm around my shoulders and another on my mouth.

“Shhh. Let him leave ahead of us first.”

“What? Why? Do you know something that I don’t?” I asked him, somewhat irritated.

          “Umm, he just said he needed to go home to his parents for a bit.”

Somebody told me you’re unhappy 
But it doesn’t show 

          “Huh? Why? Why did he told you that but didn’t even give me a hint?” I was a bit hurt when I heard that.

          “He’s not happy about this particular homecoming but he needed to go home, Kyuhyun.”

          “I never even realized that.” I whispered as I drop my body heavily on the waiting room couch.

Somebody told me that you don’t want me no more 
So you’re walkin’ out the door 

A flash of blond dashed in front of me but a few steps away it stopped right in front of me.

          “What’s wrong kid? Why the sullen face all of a sudden?” I bet he knew the reason but he still asked.

I wasn’t in the mood to answer his queries.

          “It’s about Siwon, isn’t it? You wanted to know why he left in a such a haste without even bothering to tell you anything? I heard what Yesung said was what Siwon told him, you believed that? I think there’s more to it.” He said while trying to catch a comfortable spot on the seat.

I was just side glancing at him, my mind still processing the recent events.

          “You know what, the way he’s been distancing himself from us, or you in particular these past few weeks, I’d say it’s his way of saying goodbye to you.”

I snapped my head towards him with an angry glare. I swore I could’ve strangled him to make him take back what he said but the way he was pouting and bouncing his crossed legs in front of him made me see an innocent child who just blurted out something out of nowhere.

I just stood up and headed out towards the car I came in. My mind is in turmoil right now, I needed to get away even for a short while. I’d just wait for the rest of them there.

Nobody told me you’ve been cryin’ 
Every night 

We’re back at the dorm. I headed straight to my room which Siwon would sometimes share with me. He has things here. Clothes, bags, shoes, books. I actually cleared out part of my dresser for his things. But there’s this one particular property he has that he never goes anywhere without. His journal. I’ve seen him writing on his journal on numerous occasions while he waits for me to change my clothes but those were the only times I’ve seen it open. He always took care of hiding it first after he finishes writing on it before joining me.

Strangely enough, as I lay my weary body on his side of the bed, I felt something thick and hard underneath his pillow. It was his journal.

Why is it here? He’s not that careless when it comes to his things. I know I saw him put it in his bag last night. So why is it here now?

I picked the book and tentatively opened it. I was surprised to find a picture of us from a previous concert inside. It was the one where I was clinging on to him while we were walking around the stage and I spontaneously tried to give him a kiss on the cheek but landed below his ear instead. I sighed at the memory of that night. We were happy. I know I was.

Now that it is in my hands and he’s not around, I succumbed to the temptation of reading what he’s been writing all along. The first parts contained his happy thought during concerts, show performances, the groups’ bonding moments. I was unconsciously smiling while I was reading until I got to the later part of his journal, at the dates where he was away filming for his newest solo drama.at first he still seemed to be happy and optimistic about this side project. Siwon even wrote that he’s having a good time learning how to surf and that he’s looking forward to bringing me there with him sometime later and that it would make him extremely happy if I could also learn how to surf. But after that, the entries seemed to have a dark mood. He wrote about his frustrations and disappointments over something and someone. The sentences always ending with this :’((. Was he crying every night? I felt bad not being able to be beside him and comfort him in his moment of weakness.

Nobody told me you’d been dyin’ 
But didn’t want to fight

Then I remembered his recent tweet about a “moment of choice”. The end of the road we chose to take together is still so far ahead of us. Are you already giving up, Choi Siwon?

 
Nobody told me that you fell out of love from me 
So I’m settin’ you free 

I know how hard you were working than the rest of us just to prove to your parents and to the world that you are your own person. You may be born rich and there’s no disputing your place as the heir to the company that your father single handedly brought to the top of its class, but you want to keep yourself grounded and I'm so proud of you for that.

No matter how hard it’s going to be for me, if I am getting in the way of your decision, I’d gladly give up my place beside you so you could please your parents.

Let me be the one to break it up 
So you won’t have to make excuses 
We don’t need to find a set up where 
Someone wins and someone loses 

I’ll let you go Siwonnie no matter how hard it is. You’ve been going through a lot lately and I don’t want to be a distraction to you and be part of your choices. But deep inside, if you open my heart you’ll find what the reason is for me to give you up like this. I’m afraid, Siwonnie. I’m afraid to find out that I won’t be the one you’ll pick in the end. Better for me to let go at this stage though it doesn’t make it any less painful.

We just have to say our love was true 
But has now become a lie 
 

Time and again we have proven how we love each other so much and I know all the members realize this. But in order for them to believe that everything is over between us, we’ll just have to say that some things change. Even love changes.

So I’m tellin’ you I love you one last time 

And goodbye 

I love you. I love you. I love you. No matter how many times I say it, those words coming from my heart are only meant for you.

-to be continued-