I haven’t written since me and Ruki came to our agreement. The tour ends next week and I’m feeling a bit nervous. Now I have unlimited access to him and we’re able to keep things private. We sneak kisses before each show and we are able to get away between cities and spend time together. He even rode all the way from one city to the next on my bus! Hidden in my bunk of course! Its exciting. But also a bit depressing. Take for example the other day, after the show Ruki was feeling a bit sad. He told me he usually gets like this toward the end of the tour. Although he’s exhausted, he kind of gets a bit depressed knowing he’s “leaving” the fans for a time period. He gets so much energy from seeing them at lives. I’ve seen the way his face lights up on stage looking at everyone. It makes me smile. I love to see him happy.
    But after the show the other night. I felt so helpless. I felt like, as his…I don’t know what I am as of yet but as his friend to say the least, I had let him down. He sat in the dressing room. His band mates by his side. He had his head bent downward. He was staring at the floor with a lonely look on his face. I heard his band mates try and cheer him up. They know that he was getting that feeling of missing the tour. I watched quietly from the doorway as Reita hugged him around the shoulders. They all huddled together and it looked as though they were all starting to feel a bit sad. Then Kai stood up. He spoke loudly and sternly. But as the band’s leader there was also strong sense of affection in his voice. Like a father speaking to his sons. I don’t know what he said, but im sure it was something profound. As all the guys stood. They each had a very proud look on their faces. Ruki in amongst them even smiled a little. But as he walked from the group I saw that he had tears in his eyes. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to be the one to listen to his frustrations, his feelings of sadness and comfort him. Yet I could do nothing. And for what? This job? It bothered me. It felt like I was choosing this job over him.
    Later that night we met as we had started doing since the first time, in his hotel room. He looked at me with a sort of disappointment. But not disappointment toward me disappointment in our relationship.
    “What sadness is in your heart?” I asked him while I lay next to him, running my fingers through his hair. Until then he hadn’t been saying much. Just making small talk about trivial things. He rolled over onto his back and looked at the ceiling. I heard him clear his throat. He said nothing. I put my palm onto his chest. His heart beat was steady. As steady as the blank look on his face. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed my palm gently.
    “Why are we here?” He said. I paused and waited for him to say something more. He looked at me as if he was awaiting my answer. I didn’t expect that he was really wanting one. I cleared my throat.
    “What do you mean?” I asked trying to buy myself more time to find the right thing to say.
    “You know” He looked back at the ceiling. My chest heaved. I had an ill feeling. “is this working?” He said.
    “I thought we were trying to make it work” I said. I hated my voice at that moment. I sounded weak and desperate almost.
    “For how long?” He said sitting up “How long can anyone go on like this. Is this real?” He said. He turned his body and rested his feet on the floor as he sat on the edge of the bed. I could see from his profile that he had a frustrated almost angry look on his face.
    “We both knew this would be difficult” I said. Trying to sound more calm and less clingy.
    “I needed you today”. He said. I froze listening quietly to his deep and calming voice. “I was down and I needed your touch more than anything”. He paused for a moment. “I know you couldn’t have done anything.” He said. “and that’s what I mean I need you, but no one can know. So what’s the point? Its torture all over again”
    “I’m sorry” I said weakly. I sat up and scooted to the edge of the opposite side of the bed. I thought for a moment about our body positions. His back was to me and mine to him. He was right. What was this? What was the point anymore? Or was their ever a point to begin with? I felt the tears coming as I rushed off to the bathroom. I didn’t want him to see me crying. I looked myself in the mirror and sobbed silently for a few moments. I didn’t want to loose Ruki. But lets face it. I’ve only had this job for about 6 months. I’ve only known Ruki for about 4 and what would I look like living in foreign country, quitting my job for the first rock star who showed interest in me? It sounded like something out of a bad romance novel. But I was considering doing exactly that. I sat on the edge of the Ofuro for what seemed like hours then Ruki knocked on the door softly. I opened the door and his eyes were red. He’d been crying too. He leaned on the door frame and reached in to touch my face. I smiled weakly then held on to his half open shirt with both hands.
    “I think I’m too weak for this” He said. I nodded. I was too. If we were going to end this it had to be now, before things got to close and too complicated.