Tao

                The cup of coffee grew cold in front of me. The steam, remnant of warmth now scattered, floated loosely about the air.

                My heartbeat had returned to normal, thumping quietly in my chest. My mind was blank: absolutely blank. My hand wanted to fidget, grabbing onto the nearest napkin and working it into the shape of a deformed bird.

                “That’s not how you do it.” A voice behind me chuckled. Turning around, I came face to face with a smiling Xiumin, whose eyes danced in amusement. “I would know.” Those eyes began to roll, “Seeing that I’m stuck in an origami class for losers with nothing to do on Fridays, I declare myself an expert of sorts.” He slipped into the chair across from me and took another napkin, expertly twisting it into a shape that put mine to shame. All the while, he muttered, “Oh, the woes of having friends who are ing; I’m left entirely alone.” He threw the bird my way and thereafter buried his head in his hands. “It just that everyone’s in a relationship. Literally, my entire friend group suddenly couples up and I’m left with nobody: Nobody! And, I can’t even go out and hang out with them, like we used to, without someone shoving his tongue down another’s throat.”

                “I would agree with you, but I have no right. I’m headed down that road, so soon you’ll not want to hang out with me, either. Baekhyun and I are sort of a thing now, if you know what I mean.” I smiled, expecting some sort of congratulations or at least a smile.

                Instead, he only groaned more, releasing his head from his hands and letting gravity take effect, his skull crashing into the wood surface of the table, “You too? Are you kidding me? How is it that I can’t get anyone? I’m cute enough, right?” Pulling away from the table, he pouted, poking his cheeks as if trying to prove his absolute adorableness. “I’m not y- that’s what it is. I have no appeal whatsoever.”

                “Well, that’s obviously where you’re inferior to me. My appeal is through the roof, you know.” I was being completely serious, a factor for hurt feelings when he broke into loud laughter. “What are you laughing at?” I grumpily sank into my chair, puffing an unhappy breath of air, “What do you know, anyway, about having appeal? For your information, certain people find me very y.” I nodded, as if having won the argument.

                “Baekhyun, right? How’s that going? Is he your boyfriend, now?” Xiumin laughed, obviously aware of my situation. Taking my silence as an answer, he huffed out, “Okay, what’s wrong?”Apparently, I looked pitiful because he looked legitimately concerned.

                To be honest, I hadn’t the slightest idea where to begin: one day or three years ago? Besides stalking, nothing had really occurred between the two of us until yesterday, thus the reason for my hesitation. I meant to start speaking but not a single word left my lips; I felt utterly pathetic and tried to form a proper sentence, yet I couldn’t. I gave up trying to explain, “I don’t even know. He just disappeared.”

                “Oh.” An uncomfortable silence between the two of us before Xiumin dared to break the tension, “Anyways, what are you going to do about it? It doesn’t seem like you know where he went.”

                “Chanyeol won’t tell me; I’m afraid he wants his ing completely undisturbed. I’m kind of worried that I’ll go mad, though, waiting for him. To disappear after such a confession, he’s such a coward. To think this is the same man who’s so confident on stage under the light, the center of attention.” I began to feel my cheeks warm just in the thought of my beautiful Baekhyun lit so perfectly, “Oh, where are you, Baekhyun?” I cried out dramatically

                Xiumin pretended to gag, “Please, shut up. For the sake of us within hearing distance, stop talking. You’re such a girl.” He cast a handful of origami birds my way, standing to walk towards to counter. “Figure it out, Tao. Maybe he is a coward, but you’re not, are you? Find him if he won’t find you.”

                I looked down at my twiddling thumbs, pausing once the entirety of his speech soaked in. At once, I felt as if I was in the presence of a philosopher, rather than a friend. His words were not words: rather, they were stinging slaps to the face, meant to wake me up from this dream in which I’d been living. “You’re right” I responded dejectedly, “I have to do this.”

                “There we go. Honestly, you’re lucky, Tao. You set your rod in and hooked onto something special- not just something, but a love. You don’t know how much I wish I was standing in your shoes. You have someone to pine for- to ache for; I have origami lessons every Friday night. I think life’s completely unfair.” He brought his hand up and threaded his fingers through his hair, “When will I be so lucky to find love? When?”

                Had my own emotions not been jumping about in each corridor of my heart and mind, I might’ve leapt at the chance to comfort him in his time of need as he had done for me. Yet, the two of us stood still, breathing in and out, hoping for the passing minutes to act as a type of medicine for confusion.

                “So,” He didn’t look at me, “I ask again; what are you going to do?”

                He turned to a customer who had recently walked in, letting me contemplate my options. What frustrated me, though, was the scarcity of any solutions. “Where would a little lost Baekhyun run off to think?” My eyes widened as I thought of a possibility; somewhere to which I, too, would run in a time of need: the theatre. Barely able to control myself in the utter glee of the moment, I leaped from my chair and basically squealed. The fact that there was a possibility was enough for me- enough to change my entire disposition from hopeless to hopeful; it was enough.

                I hardly even noticed all the people staring at me as I made such a commotion. Of course, the woman warning her daughter to never date guys like caused me to send a glare in that direction. I wouldn’t want to date a girl like your daughter; I don’t even like girls-- especially those with despicably judgmental mothers.

                I would’ve said it out loud, had she been worth my time.

                I knew three things at that moment: the people surrounding had completely forgotten about my fit of happiness, Xiumin was looking at me curiously, and I had to get out of here. “Well, I should get going. I’ve got an idea,”

                “And it’s obviously got you on your toes in excitement. What are you still doing here, anyways? Go!”  Immediately, I zipped past the line of people, -- when did they get here? --and bolted into the cold--when did that happen? -- outside. Earlier, I had hated running and yet, now, I found myself sprinting at an impossible-for-me speed, pushing through crowds of people without a word, just an urgent expression on my face.

               I thought the theatre was far away, yet, here I was- seemingly one blink away from my situation in the coffee shop. Had time flown away? No, I was the one who flew.

                All hopes of mine were smashed when I found the door to the theatre locked. Not a soul could get in there without the key- I should’ve factored that into my planning. Baekhyun was definitely not here. One couldn’t be so sure until fully investigating, thus, after fishing the key out of my back pocket- yes, I have the key- and letting myself in, I took in my surroundings.

                I was right, and I was wrong.

                I was right about the fact that this would be an excellent place to go over thoughts, mulling over things said and things unsaid. It would be a safe haven from all predators of the heart. Here, one could collect oneself. Of this, I had been right.

                However, of this I was wrong: Baekhyun had not come here. Not even a speck of dust was out of place in this theatre, my theatre; I would be the person to notice those things. Had a person broken into this theatre, my theatre, something would be out of its place.

                I sighed and the sound of my heavy breathing surprised me. Only now did I realize how tired my body was from racing here. I was worn out and my legs, ready to buckle. I walked to the stage clumsily and collapsed into a cross-legged position in the center. Sitting in the darkness, I had to chuckle- this was theatre without the artistry of technology: my masterwork. An actor could not remain an actor without a sort of unspoken deal with the technical theatre kids- a deal that would illuminate the actor and give the techie something to illuminate. It was a win-win situation in some screwed up sort of logic.

                Without my light, the actors fail to exist. Without me, what are they but boring people toddling about blindly in the dark?

                Without me, what is Baekhyun? Is he but a helpless wanderer? What is he without my light?

                Perhaps, between the two of us, this unspoken deal between actors and techies has transcended the boundaries of the theatre. Perhaps, between the two of us, something more was meant to exist. For me, I thought that this something was meant to be love, but how could I be so sure Baekhyun felt the same? Perhaps, between the two of us, all he felt was friendship and some sort of need to tease me.

                In that were the case, I think I would cry for an eternity- maybe longer. And, then, I would think my animosity towards the majority of actors would extend to include even the most amazing, the paragon of perfection. I would probably hate him too.

                But I couldn’t think about that, yet. That boy had said that Baekhyun had left in tears, so maybe his heart had ached for me. Perhaps, between the two of us, there was meant to be love.

                 It would be the type of love in which there should be no distance, hardly enough room to breathe. I was sick with flightiness at the mere thought of being close with him. It was too much to bear.

                I’d caught my breath and eventually decided to run up into the booth and turn on a spotlight: just one spotlight. For once, I wanted to feel the way the actors felt underneath the light. Was the feeling empowering? Did my lights give them so much strength that they were able to run through lines like they’d been speaking the same words all their lives?               

                Standing in the light, though, I did not feel empowered. Here, I felt strangely weak. Here, I understood the actors who had once frustrated me with their bouts of stage fright. There had been once girl who had actually passed out on stage

                Standing there, I felt like the entire universe and its future rested on my shoulder. It wasn’t empowering, but destructive. It killed me. I felt like I had to do something- run, jump, fly, even- and, yet, what was there to do when my love was in hiding, specifically hiding from me? This feeling, it was suffocating.

                Once again, my legs felt wobbly. Once again, I collapsed onto the ground. There, despite the intense lighting, I closed my eyes. At that moment, I was but a boring person toddling about blindly in the dark. Without Baekhyun, what was I? I was confused. I was clumsy. I was lost.

                Experiencing darkness is a terrible thing. Where are my lights?