Story Review #1
The Fire-Safe
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And if you're too lazy to surf to the original review post, below is what the reviewer ryokimayuu had to say:
Title - 4/5 Points
You’ve got an intriguing title, and it piques my interest in wanting to know more about it. It’s kind of a… beautiful contradiction, isn’t it? The fact that you’re trying to hide something in the midst of danger, is hauntingly engaging. You’re not giving out too much of the story, yet I’ll still be able to give a vague guess of how it is. I would’ve given full marks for this had you been able to make a stronger impact with the title -- you know what they say, the first impressions are the most important, yet I’m just not feeling the punch thrown to my heart.
Out of topic, but I noticed the other titles of your stories… This pretty much falls below par compared to the rest.
Overall Formatting, Spelling, and Grammar - 6/10 Points
The grammar and spelling are fine, but I shan’t say that you’re safe for the minor details. What is the main problem would be the lack of punctuation in your stories. Sure, you’ve got the major full stops and commas in their right places, but what about the minor breaks? Do understand that little details like this make or break a reader’s attention, and they also puncture breaks while people are reading the long sentences, creating a different atmosphere that is targeted for.
Since you don’t have text selection on, I will not be typing out the whole thing.
‘I nodded my head but I’m not too sure […]’
‘I nodded my head, but I’m not too sure […]’
‘She jerked her foot again and placed […]’
‘She jerked her foot again, and placed […]’
Placing a comma in between those two words will manage to cast a breath-taking effect on the readers, creating a ‘she’s talking slowly with hesitation, she must be sad or disappointed’ feeling, even if they don’t know what has blown their minds. This is the power of punctuation. Also, there’s a sentence within the story that doesn’t quite make sense.
‘Without warning, I knocked it off the night table, startling Chiao and suddenly making me regret my selfish and therefore careless action.’
I’m understanding your viewpoint on using this phrase, but ‘therefore’ is used wrongly. I’m sure you know how it’s used, of course, but unfortunately, it’s used on the wrong context. You’re telling the readers that knocking the item off the night table was a careless action because it startled Chiao, only that you think it’s a selfish action as well. I’m sorry, however, the words don’t piece together, yet if you insist on using the exact same meaning, this is how it should’ve been done.
‘Without warning, I knocked it off the night table, startling Chiao -- making me regret how selfish I was being [inconsiderately] careless.’
[Inconsiderately] can be omitted, just thought it might sound nicer.
Description/Foreword - 17/30 Points
You have made a terrible, terrible mistake, I’m afraid. The foreword is a place for you to write about what you think of the story, and how it comes about (like a dedicated place for the author or their friends to talk about it), whereas the description box is where you write in the description (like a summary). With that on the table, why did you even have to separate the two parts? They go together like how two peas in a pod would. They should’ve been placed together in the description box, and you’re saved of point deduction.
Friendship.
Keepsakes.
Sadness.
Bittersweet endings.
And letting go.
(Leave five or so breaks here, to build up a certain tension.)
“You’ll find the key to the fire-safe between the box-spring and the mattress,” she said.
[Sentence broken to enhance atmosphere]
For a moment, she laughed and closed her eyes over some memory she was revisiting.
I knew what she wanted to do.
She wanted it so much; it wasn’t my place to stop her.
What’s upsetting is that the description is rather well written, so you probably would’ve gotten a twenty-something instead.
Content (Plot, setting, description, characterization...) - 36/60 Points
The plot is pretty straightforward -- about a girl’s death and how someone else who loves her dearly tries to deal with that. I’m disappointed with the lack of characterization; maybe you’d thought it was for the better because it leaves a sense of mystery around both Chiao and Yi Xuan, but it it wouldn’t hurt to sneak in a few phrases of how Chiao was when she was younger. Was she a ball of energy? What made her want to commit suicide? This could’ve been added in as vague points, giving the readers a clue as to what’s going on without making the story fall out of point.
The good point would be that I adore the way you described Chiao as that frail-looking girl who probably needs immediate medical attention, but still appears strong within the eyes of Yi Xuan.
Author Notes - 4/5 Points
It’s kind of short, isn’t it? I guess I would’ve preferred if you had elaborated more on the thought process or something, especially since it’s a spur of the moment thing. But it’s great that you gave credits to where you took your stocks from, most people don’t really care.
Conclusion - 16/20 Points
It’s not that bad of an ending, in fact, I like it. The part where it went wrong was the finale, because it didn’t have a strong impact to it. It’s understandable that you’re trying to get across the point of how Yi Xuan has always thought it’s a one-sided love, but it turns out that Chiao reciprocates the feeling. The emotions put in just aren’t tallying up to your words, and it would’ve been better as a conclusion for a chaptered story, where there’s going to be a continuum with a narration of Chiao’s last feelings.
Personal Enjoyment/Graphics or Design (Bonus points) - 12/20 Points
The story started off great, but it slowly got disappointing and boring. As much as you’re supposed to grab attention with the title of a story, the characters are arguably, supposed to shine as well. The protagonist (I can only assume) in the poster is in B/W mode, so the rest of your poster shouldn’t be taking anymore attention of the readers.
Overall Score - 95/150 Points (63%)
Do work on how to add in minor details on improving the story, you’ll then get a much higher mark. 63% is a waste for your story, because it’s rather well done when it comes to describing scenes, and it’s not an easy task. Writers tend to focus on more important points, but forget the minor parts.
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A/N: Really, you thought my other fic titles are much better than this one? Thanks, though I'm surprised. Nobody seems to really like the titles... or sometimes they just don't understand them. So for the compliment on my other titles, I'll take the 1 point hit on THIS fic's story :)
I've taken heed of your comma warnings, and fixed quite a few of the minor breaks you were talking about. I think as I've explained to another reviewer lately (*cough* *cough* Whynter herself lol), I've become comma-paranoid, trying to avoid comma splices which is what I used to do before ;) It's a fine line, I suppose.
As well, I also revised the following segment from:
‘Without warning, I knocked it off the night table, startling Chiao and suddenly making me regret my selfish and therefore careless action.’
To:
'Without warning, I knocked it off the night table, startling Chiao. Suddenly, my careless action made me regretful. Because of my own selfish needs, I could have lost her right then.'
A word about the Description & Forword boxes. It seems there has never been a specific FAQ on how this works on AFF, and i've noticed that no two reviewers or writers use it the same way. Personally, I'm quite confused with reviewers who dock marks because only one of the two has been used. Essentially you're saying I should do just that by combining what I had in the Foreword with the Description stuff. I thought I'd learned that A/N and similar stuff does NOT go in the foreword, yet you've made it seem like it/they are also out of place in the Description section :/ I'm not saying you're wrong, nor that I'm right, but that I'm not sure exactly the best thing to do. Personally, I always put excerpts in the Foreword, which is why I didn't add the exchange between the characters under what I already wrote in the decription. In my head, I thought the part in the Description WAS a description (albeit cryptic), and then what was in the Foreword was more of a preview. In summary, I felt that what's in the Description was from the author's voice, and what was in the Foreword was from the characters' voices. It may not be a reason to split them up and I DO see what you mean about them being two peas in a pod, but I just really don't feel that they go together in the format they've been written. If for example I paraphrased the exchange between Chiao and Yi Xuan, I could have maybe put that in the Description with the rest, but I didn't want to play around with the tone/point of view.
I'm currently pondering how I might flesh out the characters like you mentioned (describing their past, their thoughts, their relationship, the WHY of the whole plot etc.) as well as how to smooth out the ending. Re-reading it, I feel actually that it just stopped abruptly after Chiao's note. I have a feeling that the flow would work better (and hence keep more of the punch you were maybe looking for) if I flipped the order of the note with Yi Xuan's final thoughts when she read said note. If you're reading this review-of-a-review and want to leave your input, that would be great! :)
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